Vending Machine

[Dire Moose]

You get nine creepy cloaked figures demanding to know where you got them.

I insert the vending machine into itself.

[TinyMushroom]

ERROR: stack overflow in Reality.objects[Vending Machine]
Aborting Process 0001: Material Plane, universe ran out of memory
No universes currently running. Deploying emergency maintenance measures.
Scanning logs for source of error... SUCCESS
Rewinding simulation to pre-failure state
Moving Actor #64697265206d6f6f7365: "Dire Moose" to quarantine zone UM3-55-3D-UP
Resuming Process 0001: Material Plane
ERROR: Incomplete transaction between Actor #64697265206d6f6f7365: "Dire Moose" and Vending machine unit. Must provide Actor #64697265206d6f6f7365: "Dire Moose" with arbitrary Concept or Commodity before moving on.
Scanning Actor #64697265206d6f6f7365: "Dire Moose"... detected Negative Emotional Spike
Deploying Saccharine Conciliatory Unit to quarantine zone UM3-55-3D-UP

Spoiler: Report Attachment #1: Saccharine Conciliatory Unit

Show

Transaction complete
Resuming Process 0001: Material Plane
Process resumed successfully!



I insert a full printer cartridge.

[Korith]

You get a ball of multicolored twine which quickly knits itself into a random garment when you speak the command word "Resserd" and returns itself to a ball when you say "Dniwnu"

I insert SCP-914 into the vending machine.

[Bohandas]

I insert SCP-914 into the vending machine.

You get the Amityville Toaster

I insert a giant plastic novelty coin

[Dire Moose]

You get a giant plastic novelty candy bar.

I insert my grandmother.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

You get yourself.

I insert a piece of pink construction paper.

[Samba Mentality]

You get a very pretty, albeit green, construction paper snowflake.

I insert Make Believe Heroes: an actual play, family friendly, 5th edition D&D podcast.

[Korith]

You get a Star Trek style replicator that can only replicate D&D minis. Also they disintegrate after 20 minutes.

I insert a bowtie and a fez.

[Bohandas]

You get a Star Trek style replicator that can only replicate D&D minis. Also they disintegrate after 20 minutes.

I insert a bowtie and a fez.

You get a very large scarf

I insert a sack of potatos

[Snowblaze]

You get a small portion of fries.

I insert a snowball and a staff of power.

[Korith]

You get Frozen III: Olaf's Revenge

I insert a nickel for every time someone invented a sequel title that never gets made.

[AwesomeMan1323]

You get approximately 10,000 dollars in pennies.

[Bohandas]

Reinserting the pennies, you get a copper statue of Abraham Lincoln

I insert some empty bottles and cans

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

You get a $30 fine for deposit fraud.

I insert a distressingly long phone bill.

[Woodzyowl]

You get a distressingly long dial tone.

I insert a vial of toner.

[TinyMushroom]

You receive one (1) empty human skin. Upon closer examination it is very soft, well-maintained and moisturised.

I insert a baby beholder.

[Dire Moose]

You get several medical bills written in Gnomish.

I insert Canada.

[Samba Mentality]

You get 50% of Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex, Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, and Archie Mountbatten-Windsor respectively.

I insert SCP-1981.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

You get a new videotape that just kills you. No ghosts, no jump scares, no one-week waiting period, just instant death for all viewers.

I insert a carton of cigarettes.

[Laughing Dog]

You get somebody's lung cancer.

I insert Dr.Gunsforhands' spare lungs.What do you mean he doesn't have spare lungs?

[Korith]

You get 15,000 dry frozen sea cucumbers in a giant bucket.

I insert 1 pound of genuine saffron.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

You get a hyperallergenic Pomeranian.

I insert migraine medication.

[TinyMushroom]

You get a strip of birth control pills.

I insert mickey mouse.

[Dire Moose]

You get a pair of annoyingly-familiar lawyers slapping you with a lawsuit from Disney.

I insert an equally-familiar pair of Flumphs.

[Korith]

You get an antique balance scale holding two weights, each precisely pi grams in mass.

I insert two tickets to that thing you wanted to go to.

[Samba Mentality]

You get two gnome-sized t shirts with Lucky Chops logos.

I insert I sheet of white, unlined paper, a bottle of black ink, and a calligraphy pen.

[SunderedWorldDM]

You get back the paper, with a design of your mother in a compromising position drawn with the very ink and quill you put in.

I insert a gold piece broken in half.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

You get a few grams of gold dust.

I insert a 400-pound pumpkin.

[Korith]

You get a 400 pound Watermelon.

I insert a briefcase filled with super spy gear, including:

• Exploding cufflinks
• A grappling hook tie
• A camera tie lapel
• Rocket shoes
• Anti-hypnosis sun glasses
• A robot snake belt
• A keychain with a death ray

[Woodzyowl]

You get a bond. It doesn't specify what kind.

I insert a cooked frozen pizza.