Vending Machine

[5a Violista]

You get a snorkel.

I insert vampire blood in a styrofoam cup

[~Corvus~]

The machine buzzes and whirs for nearly a minute; it's long enough for you wonder if it would actually work or if the cursed blood of a pseudo-demon has broken it. At the end of your wait, a jewel CD case for Nocturne plops down out of the vending machine.

I insert a spare copy I have of the graphic novel series SAGA, Volume 1.

[Lacco]

Nothing comes out for some time. After some time, an envelope full of various banknotes and a handwritten note "Volume 2, plz?" come out.

I insert a regular garden gnome. And irregular garden gnome. And a recursive garden gnome, just to be sure.

[Dire Moose]

Boss battle music starts playing, and you are now facing the Ultimate Garden Gnome.

I insert my cat.

[bug_sniper]

You get Ironsmith's cat.

I insert water that is not wet, for some reason.

[tazbot]

You get a bucket of dry ice

I insert the blood and sweat I poured into beating Zelda BotW

[~Corvus~]

Out tumbles a small glass vial. It has Hiragana and Kanji characters, and below it is a small label in English. It reads "Tears and sweat of game developers for this game."

I insert a small monitor for an old DELL computer.

[Odentin]

You receive the next generation of chromebook.

I insert my desk fan.

[Lacco]

You get a confused gnome in white T-shirt that says "#1 Fan of Odentin's Desk!". He holds a miniature model of your desk, on which stands something resembling a miniature gnome holding something rather small...

I insert a half of cucumber, pack of 10 years old ravioli and toothpaste (children's, strawberry-flavoured).

[~Corvus~]

Out pops a McDonald's Hamburger. It is warm, and it has a little tag that declares its age to be 52 years old "but still delicious!"

I insert an authenticator app.

[Dire Moose]

You realize you were actually a robot the entire time.

I insert a severed head.

[farothel]

You get an autopsy report.

I insert a toy car.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

You get a toy for your real car to play with.

I insert a bucket of dead batteries.

[~Corvus~]

The Vending Machine returns a bucket of sand from the Chilean Desert.

I insert several wrinkled office forms and slips of paper.

[Odentin]

You receive a stiff, upright office worker.

I insert a set of studio headphones and microphone.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

You get a live stream where someone unboxes them and pretends to appreciate it.

I insert a binder full of childhood doodles of cats.

[Dire Moose]

You get a binder full of actual cats. They aren’t very happy and they hiss at you as they claw your face off.

I insert a Blue Whale.

[Lacco]

You get a lifetime supply of soap.

I insert two pieces of orichalcum.

[farothel]

You get a daiklave.

I insert a yellow jersey from the tour de france.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

You get a failed blood test.

I insert a kilo of plastic explosives.

[Odentin]

You receive an injection-molded plastic building toy, and some silly putty.

I insert a shark plushie.

[Dire Moose]

You get a live Great White Shark. Nom nom nom.

I insert my car.

[paddyfool]

Two weeks later, you get back the same car with a few thousand miles more on the clock and some photographs of gnomes on a road trip. The gas tank is full and it's been cleaned and serviced; however there's also a contraption attached to help them work the pedals.

I insert my bicycle.

[farothel]

You get back the Yellow jersey from the Tour de France.

I re-insert the yellow jersey.

[Odentin]

You get the same failed blood test again. The exact same one. Don't worry about the paradox of having 2 too much.

I insert a Tesla battery bank.

[Dire Moose]

You get a big box of poor-quality mass-produced versions of it, labeled “Edison Battery Bank.”

I insert a heavy metal album

[paddyfool]

You get a "Best Disney Songs" compilation cd back. When played, however, it turns out to actually be a Black Sabbath album that's been mislabelled. The children's hospital you donated it to were unamused.

I insert a DVD of "snow white".

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

The gnomes give you a detailed essay about the problematic history of stout metahumans in media.

I insert a notarized request for a dog.

[Lacco]

The gnomes give you a detailed essay about the problematic history of stout metahumans in media.

I insert a notarized request for a dog.

You get six packs of "Dehydrated Dog Formula", marked "Clone 1" to "Clone 6". The packages state they come from somewhere called "Alpha Complex, R&D Department".

I insert a my collection of spare parts from Ikea furniture in a large box.

[Odentin]

You receive a LEGO kit for a life-sized IKEA store, complete with functional showroom.

I insert a dreamcatcher.