Vending Machine

[paddyfool]

The machine spits out an irritated nightgaunt that tickles you mercilessly before beginning the long journey home to unknown Kadath.

I insert an HP Lovecraft novel.

[farothel]

Hastur comes out, after having eaten all the vending machine gnomes who accidentally summoned him.

I insert new vending maching gnomes.

[tazbot]

The machine spits out the HP Lovecraft novel, which bonks you on the head.

I insert (nearly) the whole Harry Potter series, with the second half of the last book missing.

[Odentin]

You receive a completely rewritten final book with information that retcons the entire story and adds a ton of false inclusivity and tokenism, while simultaneously invalidating minority voices.

I insert a gift basket full of snacks for the gnomes.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

You get a big chocolate gnome full of gummi baskets to snack on.

I insert a bottle of red wine.

[~Corvus~]

Finally, a gnome falls out. His beard is full of snack crumbs and he's rather drunk from the red wine. He looks askance at the machine, and bangs on it with his fist while shouting in gnomish.

I could have inserted this fabulous houseplant that I'd brought to the gnomish vending machine, but instead I re-insert the drunk, snack-filled gnome.

[paddyfool]

No good deed goes unpunished. The machine spits out the drunk gnome's vomit. Pity you had your mouth open at the time.

I insert an alcoholics anonymous brochure.

[farothel]

You get an ingot of Anodized Aluminium (AA).

I insert a car battery.

[Lacco]

You get a really battered toy car.

I insert a gnome driver.

[The Outsider]

You get a gnome-sized golf club.

I insert 12 cubic feet of grass and sod.

[paddyfool]

You get a shrinking potion and an invitation to a round of "gnome mad crazy golf".

I insert an RSVP to say yes on The Outsider's behalf.

[Odentin]

You receive an identity validation error, along with an error code that takes up a whole ream of paper. It takes forever to print out, too. Are they using a dot matrix printer?

I insert a water bottle filled with vodka.

[bug_sniper]

You get a gnome who is drunk for no apparent reason.

I insert a doomsday device.

[~Corvus~]

Out pops an movie reel labeled THE TERMINATOR - 1984. Also, the book 1984 drops out, only to be snatched back up by a gnome hand.

I insert a huge box of extra tea bags neither I nor my family will ever drink.

[The Outsider]

You receive twelve old, slightly chipped porcelain teacups, as well as a tarnished copper teapot.

I insert my boxed set of Pauly Shore movies.

[Odentin]

You get an autographed copy of The Room.

I insert a crystal chandelier.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

You get ballroom dance lessons.

I insert a tie-dye T-shirt.

[paddyfool]

You get a fat spliff

I insert a prescription for blood pressure tablets

[Odentin]

You receive a super soaker full of blood.

I insert the rest of Dr.Gunsforhands' ammunition.

[Lacco]

You get a magazine called "Well-rested". A travel magazine that describes all inns in Skyrim. The editorial comes from certain doctor and contains only word "*Click*" written across the page.

I insert an old nintendo. The cartridge slot contains a casette with Decathlon (for Atari) game.

[~Corvus~]

You receive a note that reads:

Spoiler

Show

Come back tomorrow and insert this note.
ATR -Decathlon
1198jhvgy65e

I insert several used facemasks found on a hiking trail.

[Cicciograna]

You get COVID.

I insert a bean of coffee.

[farothel]

You get a gnome sized cup of espresso.

I insert a COVID Vaccine.

[paddyfool]

You get a short treatise on the biological distinctiveness of gnomes and humans, and the simultaneous lack of threat posed to them by human diseases and potential toxicity to them of human medicines.

I insert a request for mass production of said vaccine.

[Cicciograna]

You get a church staffed by researchers and equipped with pharmaceutical materials.

I insert a peanut butter and jelly toast.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

You get some tea and oranges.

I insert the ATR - Decathlon note that Corvus made for lacco36 yesterday.

[~Corvus~]

I insert the ATR - Decathlon note that Corvus made for lacco36 yesterday.

Out comes an oversized box of broken videogame controllers, snapped joysticks, and an 8-bit track tape that, if played, gives the sounds of sibilant wails of frustrated gnomes.

I insert a bottle of 1989 Dom Perignon.

[Laughing Dog]

A small purple gem comes out. It fills you with existential dread.

I insert a miniature blue police box that contains a small purple gem inside of it.

[Pex]

You get the fez and bowtie someone inserted awhile ago.

I insert a bag of chips.

[farothel]

You get a bottle of good Belgian beer that goes perfectly with those chips.

I insert the empty beer bottle.