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    tongue Puns about plagues, to lighten moods (Probably my 1st post in this section.)

    Link to thread with similar purpose, but EXCLUDING the subject of plagues.

    Disclaimer: All of the following is completely untrue and is meant for humor value only. I wouldn’t bother mentioning this except that my aunt initially thought I was being serious when I told her the first of this pair of jokes on the phone, despite a less-explicit disclaimer on my part.

    Core part of main joke:
    So, there’s this new strain mutated off of COVID-19 that is showing up, and could prove even more deadly albeit in completely different ways. Sources disagree on if it is called COVID-20, or COVID-19B.
    However all the experts agree that the symptoms are very much like drunkenness, but without the depressant effect, and with frequent bouts of tachypsychia*. Medical experts are cautiously predicting that this strain will not even require hospitalization in most cases. HOWEVER, they emphasize that this does NOT mean that this strain is not potentially lethal and may make the Shelter-in-Place directives even more crucial. Traffic fatalities due to impaired reflexes and accidental speeding due to distorted perception of speed based on the surroundings of the vehicle are predicted to exceed those from drunk driving this year.
    *Short version: World seems to be in slow-motion.
    Long versions: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_p...n#Tachypsychia
    And/or
    https://psychology.wikia.org/wiki/Tachypsychia
    Anyway, unlike the official designation, the colloquial name for this seems to be firmly established… we are now facing the Careener Virus.


    Expanding on the main joke:
    A snippet from an online news article I found.
    New rules are being considered to allow police to treat this as equivalent to other forms of DUI. Concerns have been raised about this discouraging people from seeking medical analysis to determine if they actually have this new strain. Officer Phillip Friendly of the Bloomburg County Police Department had this to say:
    “We obviously don’t want anyone to avoid necessary medical help. This strain can result in house-hold accidents, such as reaching out for a pot on a stove too quickly and with poor coordination. If you think you have this strain, we encourage you to glance at your speedometer on the way to seek diagnosis approximately every 3 seconds. Just a glance! Do not allow yourself to be distracted from the road! We are considering a limited release from the current restrictions to allow taxi-cabs to be called for those who are uncertain. We are looking into if standard, non-chemical, sobriety tests, such as walking a line, are reliable enough to use as a pre-screening measure for medical purposes. If so we may elect to have officers respond to non-emergency calls when they have time. Failing these options, our current plan is to have people call an ambulance or even a patrol car for a ride to their doctor or other appropriate medical facility. We should emphasize that the NON-emergency numbers should be used to arrange any call for diagnostic purposes, NOT 911. This applies both to transportation and on-site testing.”


    In addition, FEMA is coordinating with local medical providers across the nation to determine if roving sample-takers would be advisable, or would simply be wasting the time of skilled professionals in driving between locations.

    I find it an intellectual curiosity that the extreme nature of this mutation is not without precedent. Ironically enough it was another potentially serious disease that mutated: Swine Flu. You probably haven’t heard of this mutation since it was, at worst, literally just a “bad hair month” for human infectees, and the vast majority if them didn’t even notice! It was, however, devastating to many species of hedgehog and porcupine, leaving their natural defenses limp and useless. Most zoologic epidemiologists are quite familiar with the events of…
    Spoiler: Answer to "riddle" of last paragraph
    Show
    The Spine Flu.



    Stand-alone riddles (I might further edit to improve even more at some point) :
    1.) What two plagues were most feared among ghosts? (One in the Middle Ages, one in the 1990's in America.)
    Spoiler: Answer
    Show
    The BOO-bonic Plague, and Haunter-Virus (Bubonic Plague and Hantavirus)


    2.) What is a magic medication that doesn’t prevent coughing unless it is nearly continuous (Whooping Cough?), but makes the timing of the coughs less predictable, and thus less clustered into chains of coughs called? (Part of magic is that it does not reduce the productivity of the cough (phlegm etc.).)

    Spoiler: Answer
    Show
    An Un-expected-orant (Expectorant: a medication that helps coughing be more effective for clearing the lungs.)



    For more Roleplay-specific humor, see this monster I made up for this crisis:
    Dungeons and Dragons 3.x/Pathfinder version
    Dungeons and Dragons 5e version
    Last edited by DracoDei; 2020-05-24 at 07:14 PM.
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    ElfPirate

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    Default Re: Puns about plagues, to lighten moods (Probably my 1st post in this section.)

    If it is long as an essay and requires 2 links to source material it is probably not a joke, just saying.


    If you got what is probably the best virus in the world you may have the Carlsberg virus.

    If you keep boring your audience with references to you baseline and installing speakers everywhere you may be suffering from the Bosesonic plague.

    If you have expensive healthcare costs you may suffer from the COPAY-19 strain.
    Last edited by snowblizz; 2020-04-20 at 03:37 AM.

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    PaladinGuy

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    Default Re: Puns about plagues, to lighten moods (Probably my 1st post in this section.)

    And now we have a hybrid with bird-flu - this variant is carried by crows - CORVID-19

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    Default Re: Puns about plagues, to lighten moods (Probably my 1st post in this section.)

    Quote Originally Posted by snowblizz View Post
    If it is long as an essay and requires 2 links to source material it is probably not a joke, just saying.
    Have you ever been in the worldbuilding forum? We're all like that down there.

    That's why we don't come up here into the talk section with the cool kids.
    Resident Vancian Apologist

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    Default Re: Puns about plagues, to lighten moods (Probably my 1st post in this section.)

    Unholy Potato Blight: instead of causing sickness like unholy blight, it causes starvation, like a ring of starvation.

    Poxie: like a pixie, but, instead of shedding pixie dust, it sheds anthrax powder.

    Flu Form: like fluid form, but you're covered in festering mucus.

    Pest Friend 4Ever: your neighbour in the mass grave. (potential to become an Undead cohort for undead PCs.)

    Scarlet Fever Walker: this guy just won't respect quarantine.
    Quote Originally Posted by J.R.R. Tolkien, 1955
    I thought Tom Bombadil dreadful — but worse still was the announcer's preliminary remarks that Goldberry was his daughter (!), and that Willowman was an ally of Mordor (!!).

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    Default Re: Puns about plagues, to lighten moods (Probably my 1st post in this section.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Khedrac View Post
    And now we have a hybrid with bird-flu - this variant is carried by crows - CORVID-19
    I know Covid and Corvid are spell similarly, but they aren't the same. 12 crows aren't coming to your house to kill you, but if they did it would be murder.
    Quote Originally Posted by The Glyphstone View Post
    Vibranium: If it was on the periodic table, its chemical symbol would be "Bs".

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    biggrin Re: Puns about plagues, to lighten moods (Probably my 1st post in this section.)

    Quote Originally Posted by snowblizz View Post
    If it is long as an essay and requires 2 links to source material it is probably not a joke, just saying.
    Allow me to introduce you to the concept of a Shaggy Dog Story* (used more broadly in that link, but note the sentences in the first paragraph regarding the origins of the trope name).

    ...I'll cop to the inclusion of links as being somewhat specific to my communication style. If I know an obscure term that fits a situation more precisely than more common ones, I'll use it, then define it. Hurray for "stealth education"!

    *CAUTION: TVTropes link! Trope responsibly! Side effects may include hours lost to improvement of literary analytical skills, and broad knowledge of fiction.


    EVERYONE (including Snowblizz!) :
    Thanks for the jokes!

    More welcome, but remember to keep it out of "Dude! Not funny..." territory. (And don't look at me to be able to advise on that... I had to check with a relative, and possibly my pastor to be sure that what I had was in good taste.)
    Last edited by DracoDei; 2020-04-20 at 06:42 PM.
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    Default Re: Puns about plagues, to lighten moods (Probably my 1st post in this section.)

    A rich CEO was angry that his business was shut down due to Covid restrictions, so he called up his foreman and said, "You know all those people I laid off? Tell them we'll pay them to protest in front of the Governor's place to stop all these stay-at-home orders."

    So the foreman contacted his laid off workers, gathered them together to work out all the details such as their pay, when and where to meet, how to get to the protest site, etc. Unfortunately, the meetup caused many of them to get sick before the rally because they spread the virus to each other .

    The day before the rally, the boss called the foreman to check things out. "How are things? Are we set for a massive disruption?"
    "Sorry Boss, the way things stand, all we can manage is a Cough-in."
    "We are the people our parents warned us about!" - J.Buffett

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    Default Re: Puns about plagues, to lighten moods (Probably my 1st post in this section.)

    The original plague pun: "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired"
    A diamond necklace played the pawn
    Hand in hand some drummed along, oh
    To a handsome man and baton (Bygone, bygone)
    A blind class aristocracy
    Back through the opera glass you see
    The pit and the pendulum drawn (Bygone, bygone)
    Columnated ruins domino

    My avatar was made by a very lovely chap by the name of smutmulch. That was very cool of them.

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    Default Re: Puns about plagues, to lighten moods (Probably my 1st post in this section.)

    A rich man with political pull made sure that golf courses ( of which he owned many) would not be shut down during the pandemic. So while many people were stuck working at home he could be found outside putting around. Unfortunately, he was a very bad golfer and took a long time to complete his round. After a while another golfer behind him came up to ask how much longer would he be, hinting he should perhaps just pick up his ball and moved on to the next hole (as is often done when playing slowly). The rich man, frustrated, snapped at the other golfer telling him to get back & mind his social distance.
    The second golfer nodded and left only to return a minute later and ask: "Mind if I plague through?"
    "We are the people our parents warned us about!" - J.Buffett

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    Default Re: Puns about plagues, to lighten moods (Probably my 1st post in this section.)

    Lower respiratory infections especially prone to recurrence, and which are prone to developing drug-resistant strains (partially due to people not finishing the course of their antibiotics) :
    Commonly found in Mister/Missus Potato-Heads?
    Spoiler: Answer
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    Tuber-culous (tuberculous)

    Commonly found in Californian Surfers?
    Spoiler: Answer
    Show
    Tubular-culous (tuberculous)
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    ElfPirate

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    Default Re: Puns about plagues, to lighten moods (Probably my 1st post in this section.)

    I'm going to shamelessly steal one form my local paper daily funny (who it turns out must spend moretime doing them than I originally gave them credit for).


    An adult panda eats for 12 hours every day.
    An adult human during lockdown does the same.
    That's why we call it a pandemic.

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    DwarfClericGuy

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    Default Re: Puns about plagues, to lighten moods (Probably my 1st post in this section.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Tvtyrant View Post
    I know Covid and Corvid are spell similarly, but they aren't the same. 12 crows aren't coming to your house to kill you, but if they did it would be murder.
    That's why folks are keeping groups of crows from forming.

    Attempted murder.
    May you get EXACTLY what you wish for.

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    Default Re: Puns about plagues, to lighten moods (Probably my 1st post in this section.)

    What disinfectant can be created by the following procedure: Cremate colorful tropical birds (after killing them humanely), then hydrogenate the resulting ash?
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    Hydrogen Parrot-Oxide
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    Default Re: Puns about plagues, to lighten moods (Probably my 1st post in this section.)

    fencing is the perfect socially distant sport:
    1.mask
    2.gloves
    3.if someone gets too close to you, you stab them

    peace in the galax's ease, k_pal?

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    Default Re: Puns about plagues, to lighten moods (Probably my 1st post in this section.)

    *quickly estimates arm with sword length, hmm 33 inch sleeve, carry the one...*

    You know, the kobold may have a good...point.
    "We are the people our parents warned us about!" - J.Buffett

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    Default Re: Puns about plagues, to lighten moods (Probably my 1st post in this section.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Scarlet Knight View Post
    *quickly estimates arm with sword length, hmm 33 inch sleeve, carry the one...*

    You know, the kobold may have a good...point.
    never doubt the kobold.
    lawful good isn't always lawful nice.

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