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Thread: A joke thread

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    BisectedBrioche's Avatar

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    Default Re: A joke thread

    Time to make some sourdough, as a woman of culture.

    I had enough yeast in the starter to make it rise, but I had no proof.

    I'd have started again, but I had to go back to work because I knead the dough.
    Hi, I'm back, I guess. ^_^
    I cosplay and stream LPs of single player games on Twitch! Mon, Wed & Fri; currently playing: Nier: Replicant (Mon/Wed) and The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons (Thurs or Fri)

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    Lvl 2 Expert's Avatar

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    Default Re: A joke thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Sermil View Post
    A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says "Wait, I think I'm in the wrong joke."
    But did they have carrot cake?
    The Hindsight Awards, results: See the best movies of 1999!

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    ElfRangerGuy

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    Default Re: A joke thread

    A redshirt and a stormtrooper get into a firefight.
    The stormtrooper misses every shot.
    The redshirt dies anyway.
    Clacks-Overhead: GNU Terry Pratchett

    "Magic can turn a frog into a prince. Science can turn a frog into a Ph.D. and you still have the frog you started with." Terry Pratchett
    "I will not yield to evil, unless she's cute."

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    GreataxeFighterGirl

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    Default Re: A joke thread

    I'll drop one off from my friend:

    A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he has a problem. The bartender reaches into a drawer and points a gun at the man. The man thanks him and walks away.

    The man had hiccups.

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    BardGuy

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    Default Re: A joke thread

    Since me and my wife are now watching "Vikings", remembered this one.

    Vikings ship is in the middle of the sea. Suddenly, a huge one-eyed bearded face appears in the sky.

    "Vikings!", the face yells.

    "Yes, Odin", vikings reply.

    "Do you love me, vikings?"

    "We do, Odin!"

    "Do you believe in me, vikings?"

    "We do, Odin!"

    "Jump overboard!"

    So, they all jump overboard and drown. A moment later, another same face appears, right near the first one.

    "Loki, you bastard!"

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    Default Re: A joke thread

    So if K/CO-Bolds are stereotypically only brave in large groups, does that mean that the race created to lead them is called the Main-Bold and is only brave when those nearby will be inspired to bravery themselves by it?


    Guy walks into a bar. Now, he is new in town, and while he's had some of the more memorable people pointed out to him by a local, he hasn't been out much since then.

    In the corner he sees a frog, a person born with brain-damage who derives great schadenfreud at his father's "Rent a Rod" booth on the pier putting new worms on hooks for those too squeamish to do it themselves, and someone who works at the Returns desk at the local Walmart. This trio are having a great time, laughing and sharing their joys and sorrows. Obviously the very best of friends.

    So the guy walks up to the bartender and says "So, tell me, how did such disparate individuals become such great friends?"

    The bartender replies "Why they bonded over their shared love of..."
    Spoiler: Punchline (or, really, punch-WORD)
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    Re-baiting.

    (ribbiting, rebating)
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    ElfRangerGuy

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    A Voldemort knock-knock joke:

    -Knock knock
    -who's there?
    -You know.
    -You know who?
    -Exactly.
    Clacks-Overhead: GNU Terry Pratchett

    "Magic can turn a frog into a prince. Science can turn a frog into a Ph.D. and you still have the frog you started with." Terry Pratchett
    "I will not yield to evil, unless she's cute."

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    Default Re: A joke thread

    A woman comes to a psychiatrist.
    "Doctor", she says, "something is wrong with my husband. Every time after he finishes with coffee, he eats the mug".

    Doctor stares at her with a worried look.

    "What, really the whole mug?", he asks.

    "Actually no. He always leaves the handle".

    "This is really strange. Handle is the most tasty part!"

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    Default Re: A joke thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Edreyn View Post
    Not exactly a joke, rather my own idea. Don't how if others will like it.

    So, there is a saying "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder".
    So I wondered, why there is no saying "Intelligence is in the tentacles of an Illithid".
    dexterity is in the hand of the kobold
    lawful good isn't always lawful nice.

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    Default Re: A joke thread

    A QA engineer walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 99999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a ueicbksjdhd.

    First real customer walks in and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.

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    Lizardfolk

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    Default Re: A joke thread

    I keep asking people what LGBT stands for
    haven't got a straight answer yet.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Waterdeep Merch View Post
    Use your smite bite to fight the plight right. Fill the site with light and give fright to wights as a knight of the night, teeth white; mission forthright, evil in flight. Despite the blight within, you perform the rite, ignore any contrite slight, fangs alight, soul bright.

    That sight is dynamite.

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    Why did the zombie cross the road?

    To get to the other side to eat human brains.

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    A rich top-manager drives his sports car through a rough neighborhood when he notices a drunkard sitting on a curb.

    The drunk guy holds an old-fashioned oriental lamp and rubs it. A genie appears, they exchange few words and *poof* - a bottle of beer appears. The manager stops and observes.

    When the bottle is empty, the process repeats - drunk guy summons a genie, they exchange few words and he gets another beer.

    The manager decides to make his move.

    - Hey you. I'll buy the lamp.
    - Nope. Not interested.
    - I'll give you a thousand dollars.
    - Nope. Not interested.
    - I'll give you my car.
    - Nope.
    - I'll give you my car, all my money from all my accounts and my house!
    ...
    - Okay.

    The manager quickly transfers all his money, gives the guy his keys and calls his notary to arrange everything. The drunk guy just holds the lamp, waiting.

    After all is transferred and set, the guy hands him the lamp and leaves, rich.

    The top manager, excited, immediately rubs the lamp. A genie appears, bowing to him.
    - Oh, master. Please choose...

    The manager interrupts him.
    - Okay, genie! My first wish is to have 10 trillion dollars in my account!

    The genie bows again, this time lower.
    - Apologies, master. I am actually very narrowly specialized genie - not one of those "three wishes, anything goes" types. You actually have unlimited number of wishes - so please choose what you wish for: a bottle of Heineken, Guiness or Pilsner?
    Call me Laco or Ladislav (if you need to be formal). Avatar comes from the talented linklele.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kol Korran View Post
    Instead of having an adventure, from which a cool unexpected story may rise, you had a story, with an adventure built and designed to enable the story, but also ensure (or close to ensure) it happens.

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    Default Re: A joke thread

    What do you call when a stingray is down on the dumps?

    Blue-Ray.

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    AssassinGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sermil View Post
    A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says "Wait, I think I'm in the wrong joke."

    You have to tell that joke right, i heard a different version:

    A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. "Wait," says the rabbit, "I think I'm a Type-O"



    Quote Originally Posted by Edreyn View Post
    If a black cat crossed you, then moments later turned back and crossed you again, did he un-damned you, or double-damned you?

    Neither, that's just a glitch in the Matrix.
    The difference between Mace Windu and Miko Miyazaki:

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    It's one thing to take on a Sith Lord outside the law; bisecting an unarmed octogenarian is a little different.

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    d20 Re: A joke thread

    What's the difference between a sausepan and a dumpster?

    Spoiler
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    You don't know? Please don't cook me dinner!!!


    How did 60 chicken cross the street?

    Spoiler
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    In the KFC truck.


    Where's the cat?

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    I don't know, did you look inside the box?" -Schrodinger


    How do you call a frog who lives in seclusion?

    Spoiler
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    hermit the frog


    What's the Lion's slag term for Antelopes?

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    Fast Food


    How does the playboy from last night call you?

    Spoiler
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    He Doesn't


    How does a cannibal call his wife?

    Spoiler
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    Sweet Heart


    What's the difference between boy friend and boyfriend?

    Spoiler
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    The space between them


    What do you call a vegan pizza?

    Spoiler
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    Bread


    What do you call a Vegan Dog?

    Spoiler
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    Dead


    What do you call Vegan Cheese?

    Spoiler
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    Dread


    Disclaimer: If you're Vegan please don't get offended, it was meant as a joke.

    I know some more "mature" ones, but I'm not sure if I should post them here or not. If an admin/mod would advise me on weather it's ok or not to post them, I'd be grateful.

    Please visit and review my System.
    Generalist Sorcerer

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    PaladinGuy

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    Default Re: A joke thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Asmotherion View Post
    I know some more "mature" ones, but I'm not sure if I should post them here or not. If an admin/mod would advise me on weather it's ok or not to post them, I'd be grateful.
    I am not an admin, but the general advice here is "if you are not sure it is OK to post, then don't post it" so you started well.
    More specifically, looking at the Rules of Posting (linked at the top of every forum): "Excessive profanity" is listed as "please don't" and "Explicit sexuality" is listed a an "Inappropriate Topic".
    Given that so-called "mature" humor usually involves one of those two, I would recommend not posting them.

    That said, I did like some of your jokes, especially the secluded frog!

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    BardGuy

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    Default Re: A joke thread

    This joke is harmless. I think I once posted it.

    A hunter walks in the woods and suddenly falls into a bear den. He screams, then notices there is a only a little bear cub inside. He stares at cub, the cub stares at him and both are terrified.

    "Is mother at home?", the hunter asks.

    "No", the poor cub replies shaking.

    "And father?"

    "No!", shaking even more.

    Hunter finally calms down. He points rifle at cub and says:

    "Then die foul beast!"

    "Granny!"

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    ElfRangerGuy

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    I wish I was a vulcano. You can lie on your back the whole day smoking and people will point at you saying: look, he's working.
    Clacks-Overhead: GNU Terry Pratchett

    "Magic can turn a frog into a prince. Science can turn a frog into a Ph.D. and you still have the frog you started with." Terry Pratchett
    "I will not yield to evil, unless she's cute."

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    Saleslady: "Oh, these pants fit you so well, you look very handsome."
    Customer: "I dunno. They are kinda tight around the armpits."
    Call me Laco or Ladislav (if you need to be formal). Avatar comes from the talented linklele.
    Formerly GMing: Riddle of Steel: Soldiers of Fortune

    Quote Originally Posted by Kol Korran View Post
    Instead of having an adventure, from which a cool unexpected story may rise, you had a story, with an adventure built and designed to enable the story, but also ensure (or close to ensure) it happens.

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    Post Re: A joke thread

    It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub, but it's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
    The difference is staggering.

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    Default Re: A joke thread

    What do you call a raven that plays games?

    A caw gamer!
    Last edited by BisectedBrioche; 2020-06-24 at 07:46 AM.
    Hi, I'm back, I guess. ^_^
    I cosplay and stream LPs of single player games on Twitch! Mon, Wed & Fri; currently playing: Nier: Replicant (Mon/Wed) and The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons (Thurs or Fri)

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    BardGuy

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    Schwarzenegger has a long one. Bush a short one. Madonna doesn't have any at all, and the Pope stopped using it ages ago. What I am talking about?

    Spoiler
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    Last name!

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    ElfRangerGuy

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    Default Re: A joke thread

    What if soy milk is just regular milk, indroducting itself in spanish?

    what's your best childhood memory. Falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed. I miss teleporting, it never happens to me anymore.

    never sing in the shower. Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked.
    Clacks-Overhead: GNU Terry Pratchett

    "Magic can turn a frog into a prince. Science can turn a frog into a Ph.D. and you still have the frog you started with." Terry Pratchett
    "I will not yield to evil, unless she's cute."

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    Default Re: A joke thread

    Quote Originally Posted by farothel View Post
    never sing in the shower. Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked.
    Yeah, normally they have to pay for that privelege, I'm not about to start letting them see me for free.
    Cuthalion's art is the prettiest art of all the art. Like my avatar.

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    What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? "You're too young to smoke." : D

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    ElfRangerGuy

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    Default Re: A joke thread

    Here are the scifi football results. R two - D two, C three - P nill.
    Clacks-Overhead: GNU Terry Pratchett

    "Magic can turn a frog into a prince. Science can turn a frog into a Ph.D. and you still have the frog you started with." Terry Pratchett
    "I will not yield to evil, unless she's cute."

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    GreenSorcererElf

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    Default Re: A joke thread

    In, In, In, In, In, In, In, In, In, In

    Don't mind me, I am practicing my enchanting.

    ... did ten ins pun?

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    BisectedBrioche's Avatar

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    Q. What's the difference between Shadowrun and Disney?
    A. One's what happens when capitalism gone mad gets ahold of magic...and the other's a cyberpunk tabletop RPG.
    Hi, I'm back, I guess. ^_^
    I cosplay and stream LPs of single player games on Twitch! Mon, Wed & Fri; currently playing: Nier: Replicant (Mon/Wed) and The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons (Thurs or Fri)

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