Support the GITP forums on Patreon
Help support GITP's forums (and ongoing server maintenance) via Patreon
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 30 of 53

Thread: A joke thread

  1. - Top - End - #1
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    RogueGuy

    Join Date
    Dec 2019
    Gender
    Male

    Default A joke thread

    In these pressing times I think we need a joke thread to lighten the mood.
    *scrubbed*
    so I'll start this off:

    3 middle-aged men are chatting about what they want to be said about them at their funeral. The first one says "he was a good man who always treated people well".
    The second one says "he gave thousands of dollars to charity".
    The last one says "at my funeral I want people to say 'Wait he's still moving!'".
    Last edited by flat_footed; 2020-05-24 at 02:46 PM.

  2. - Top - End - #2
    Orc in the Playground
     
    OldWizardGuy

    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Location
    California
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: A joke thread

    I have a joke about UDP, but you might not get it!

    I also have a joke about TCP. If you don't get it, I'll just repeat it!

  3. - Top - End - #3
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Location
    Israel
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: A joke thread

    In a tribe of cannibals, one man asks his friend: "What do you like the most in your wife"?
    "Eyes", he replies. "Really? And I left you a leg".

  4. - Top - End - #4
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    RogueGuy

    Join Date
    Dec 2019
    Gender
    Male

    tongue Re: A joke thread

    Light a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night,
    light a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
    Get your physics out of my D&D!

    Proudly Chaotic

  5. - Top - End - #5
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    The Fury's Avatar

    Join Date
    Feb 2013

    Default Re: A joke thread

    It's a pretty nice idea to have a dedicated joke thread. Although, I'm gonna sit on some of my material. My posts in Random Banter sometimes get a little gloomy, so I feel like I need to drop a few jokes in there.

    Quote Originally Posted by Edreyn View Post
    In a tribe of cannibals, one man asks his friend: "What do you like the most in your wife"?
    "Eyes", he replies. "Really? And I left you a leg".
    Cannibals, you gotta stay positive. Are you a cannibal or a can't-ibal?
    Iop brain.

  6. - Top - End - #6
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    ElfRangerGuy

    Join Date
    Jun 2018
    Location
    Belgium
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: A joke thread

    After I drink coffee I like to show the empty mug to the IT guy to tell him that I've successfully installed Java. He hates me.

    I don't say it's hot in my room, but two hobbits just came around and threw a ring in it.

    *on a printer at work*: this printer is now called Bob Marley because it's Always 'jammin'.
    Clacks-Overhead: GNU Terry Pratchett

    "Magic can turn a frog into a prince. Science can turn a frog into a Ph.D. and you still have the frog you started with." Terry Pratchett
    "I will not yield to evil, unless she's cute."

  7. - Top - End - #7
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Scarlet Knight's Avatar

    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Hudson Valley, NY
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: A joke thread

    Quote Originally Posted by farothel View Post
    *on a printer at work*: this printer is now called Bob Marley because it's Always 'jammin'.
    Oh, BRAV-o, sir.
    A long surcote of pers upon he hade, / And by his syde he baar a rusty blade. - Chaucer

  8. - Top - End - #8
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Location
    Israel
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: A joke thread

    There are two paladins on patrol. So, they walk around and then suddenly notice a red dragon flying towards them. And the dragon is HUGE! So they stand and watch, and the monster is coming closer... and closer... and closer... And they watch, and he is closer... and closer... and closer... And then one of paladins says: "Hey man, let's just go".

  9. - Top - End - #9
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    Kobold_paladin?'s Avatar

    Join Date
    Apr 2020
    Location
    a kobold warren
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: A joke thread

    two scientists walk into bar.
    "i'll have some h2o" says one.
    "i'll have some h2o too" says the other one.
    the second one died.

    see if you can get it.
    Last edited by Kobold_paladin?; 2020-05-22 at 12:51 PM.
    paladin:

    what i think: wretched evil, i smite thee!

    what i really do: how the hell do you already need another L.O.H.

    bard:

    *gets hurt*
    *turns to me*
    sings: lay your hands on me!

  10. - Top - End - #10
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    RogueGuy

    Join Date
    Dec 2019
    Gender
    Male

    tongue Re: A joke thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Kobold_paladin? View Post
    two scientists walk into bar.
    "i'll have some h2o" says one.
    "i'll have some h2o too" says the other one.
    the second one died.

    see if you can get it.
    A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke"?

    H2O2
    Last edited by el minster; 2020-05-22 at 03:14 PM.
    Get your physics out of my D&D!

    Proudly Chaotic

  11. - Top - End - #11
    Orc in the Playground
     
    OldWizardGuy

    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Location
    California
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: A joke thread

    Quote Originally Posted by el minster View Post
    A priest, a minister, and a rabb walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke"?
    A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says "Wait, I think I'm in the wrong joke."

  12. - Top - End - #12
    Dragon in the Playground Moderator
     
    Peelee's Avatar

    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    Birmingham, AL
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: A joke thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Kobold_paladin? View Post
    two scientists walk into bar.
    "i'll have some h2o" says one.
    "i'll have some h2o too" says the other one.
    the second one died.
    see if you can get it.
    A set of functions have a party. Almost everyone is having a good time - x2, sin(x), cos(x) even sec(x) are having fun mingling and dancing with each other. f(x) notices ex sitting alone in the corner, walks up, and says, "would you like help integrating with the rest of us?" ex replies "nah, it wouldn't change anything."

    An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third order a quarter of a beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer. The bartender is fed up at this point and yells out, "even I have got my limits!" and pours two beers.

    What do you get when you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber? Nothing, you can't cross a vector and a scalar.

    Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks "Do you all want a beer?" The first one responds "I'm not sure." The second says, "I'm not sure." The third one says, "yes."
    The Mod on the Silver Mountain avatars by the wonderfully talented Cuthalion!

    If anyone has a crayon drawing they would like to put on the Kickstarter Reward Collection Thread, PM me.
    Spoiler: Avatar collection
    Show
    Spoiler: Come down with fire
    Show
    Spoiler: Lift my spirit higher
    Show
    Spoiler: Someone's screaming my name
    Show

    Quote Originally Posted by Fyraltari View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Peelee View Post
    Your bread looks like a rotary phone.
    This right here, is some prime quality culinary critique.

  13. - Top - End - #13
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Location
    Israel
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: A joke thread

    What do you get when you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber? Nothing, you can't cross a vector and a scalar.
    If a black cat crossed you, then moments later turned back and crossed you again, did he un-damned you, or double-damned you?
    Depends if the cat is vector or scalar.

  14. - Top - End - #14
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Flumph

    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Essex, England
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: A joke thread

    Quote Originally Posted by farothel View Post
    *on a printer at work*: this printer is now called Bob Marley because it's Always 'jammin'.
    The favourite from my early days at work: "Some day my prince will come"
    Warning: This posting may contain wit, wisdom, pathos, irony, satire, sarcasm and puns. And traces of nut.

    "The main skill of a good ruler seems to be not preventing the conflagrations but rather keeping them contained enough they rate more as campfires." Rogar Demonblud

    "Hold on just a d*** second. UK has spam callers that try to get you to buy conservatories?!? Even y'alls spammers are higher class than ours!" Peelee

  15. - Top - End - #15
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    ElfRangerGuy

    Join Date
    Jun 2018
    Location
    Belgium
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: A joke thread

    My doctor wrote the names of the pills I needed to take. I couldn't read one of them.
    A pharmacist told me it said 'retinol'.
    A week later I was talking to my doctor.
    -great, but why did t you take retinol?
    -you prescribed it. Here.
    -Oh, I was just trying to get my pen working.
    Clacks-Overhead: GNU Terry Pratchett

    "Magic can turn a frog into a prince. Science can turn a frog into a Ph.D. and you still have the frog you started with." Terry Pratchett
    "I will not yield to evil, unless she's cute."

  16. - Top - End - #16
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    RangerGuy

    Join Date
    May 2020
    Location
    Nebraska
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: A joke thread

    Quote Originally Posted by farothel View Post
    My doctor wrote the names of the pills I needed to take. I couldn't read one of them.
    A pharmacist told me it said 'retinol'.
    A week later I was talking to my doctor.
    -great, but why did t you take retinol?
    -you prescribed it. Here.
    -Oh, I was just trying to get my pen working.
    it's very funny

  17. - Top - End - #17
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Location
    Israel
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: A joke thread

    Not exactly a joke, rather my own idea. Don't how if others will like it.

    So, there is a saying "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder".
    So I wondered, why there is no saying "Intelligence is in the tentacles of an Illithid".

  18. - Top - End - #18
    Troll in the Playground
     
    Lvl 2 Expert's Avatar

    Join Date
    Oct 2014
    Location
    Tulips Cheese & Rock&Roll
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: A joke thread

    An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician stop at a hotel on their way to a scientific congress. They get a room each, and go to sleep. In the middle of the night, a fire breaks out. The engineer is woken up by the sound of flickering flames, and sees the fire. He panicks for a few moments, but then he sees the water tap and the bucket in the corner of his room. So he runs over, fills the bucket, throws it on the fire and the flames go out. The engineer goes back to sleep. A few rooms down the physicist wakes up from the sound of the wooden wall panels starting to crumble. The physycist keeps a cool head though. She sees the bucket and the water tap, and springs into action. After carefully calculating the amount of water needed she puts the fire out with incredible precision, causing exactly zero water damage. And it only took her half an hour. So she goes back to sleep. At the end of the hall the mathematician wakes up from the smell of the bed starting to char. He sits up, looks at the fire, and turns to the corner, where he sees the tap and the bucket. "Ah," the mathematician exclaims, "there is a solution!" So he goes back to bed.


    A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench overlooking the front entrance of a building. They see one person enter the building, and a little later they see two people leave. "That was weird," says the physicist, "must have been some sort of measurement error." "I don't think so," says the biologist, "we must have witnessed some form of reproduction." The mathematician shakes their head and says: "You're both wrong, the obvious explanation is that there are now minus one people in the building."
    Last edited by Lvl 2 Expert; 2020-05-23 at 11:10 AM.
    The Hindsight Awards, results: See the best movies of 1999!

  19. - Top - End - #19
    Dragon in the Playground Moderator
     
    Peelee's Avatar

    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    Birmingham, AL
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: A joke thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Lvl 2 Expert View Post
    A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench overlooking the front entrance of a building. They see one person enter the building, and a little later they see two people leave. "That was weird," says the physicist, "must have been some sort of measurement error." "I don't think so," says the biologist, "we must have witnessed some form of reproduction." The mathematician shakes their head and says: "You're both wrong, the obvious explanation is that there are now minus one people in the building."
    Mathematician says, "if one more person enters the building, it will be empty!"
    The Mod on the Silver Mountain avatars by the wonderfully talented Cuthalion!

    If anyone has a crayon drawing they would like to put on the Kickstarter Reward Collection Thread, PM me.
    Spoiler: Avatar collection
    Show
    Spoiler: Come down with fire
    Show
    Spoiler: Lift my spirit higher
    Show
    Spoiler: Someone's screaming my name
    Show

    Quote Originally Posted by Fyraltari View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Peelee View Post
    Your bread looks like a rotary phone.
    This right here, is some prime quality culinary critique.

  20. - Top - End - #20
    Troll in the Playground
     
    Lvl 2 Expert's Avatar

    Join Date
    Oct 2014
    Location
    Tulips Cheese & Rock&Roll
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: A joke thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Peelee View Post
    Mathematician says, "if one more person enters the building, it will be empty!"
    Yeah, that's a better punchline.



    Everybody pretend I was that clever.
    The Hindsight Awards, results: See the best movies of 1999!

  21. - Top - End - #21
    Barbarian in the Playground
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Location
    Earth and/or not-Earth
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: A joke thread

    Werner Heisenberg gets pulled over by a traffic cop.
    "Do you know how fast you were going?" asks the cop.
    "No," says Heisenberg, "But I know where I am."

    Erwin Schrodinger gets pulled over by a traffic cop.
    "Did you know there's a dead cat in the back of your car?" asks the cop.
    "I do now!" exclaims Schrodinger.
    I'm making a webcomic, featuring absurdity, terrible art, and alleged morals.

  22. - Top - End - #22
    Dragon in the Playground Moderator
     
    Peelee's Avatar

    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    Birmingham, AL
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: A joke thread

    Quote Originally Posted by InvisibleBison View Post
    Werner Heisenberg gets pulled over by a traffic cop.
    "Do you know how fast you were going?" asks the cop.
    "No," says Heisenberg, "But I know where I am."
    The cop walks up to the window and says, "did you know you were going 80 miles per hour?"
    "Dammit," yelled Heisenberg, "now I'm lost!"

    ETA: I promise I'm not trying to one-up anyone, these are just alternate versions I've heard.
    Last edited by Peelee; 2020-05-24 at 12:44 AM.
    The Mod on the Silver Mountain avatars by the wonderfully talented Cuthalion!

    If anyone has a crayon drawing they would like to put on the Kickstarter Reward Collection Thread, PM me.
    Spoiler: Avatar collection
    Show
    Spoiler: Come down with fire
    Show
    Spoiler: Lift my spirit higher
    Show
    Spoiler: Someone's screaming my name
    Show

    Quote Originally Posted by Fyraltari View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Peelee View Post
    Your bread looks like a rotary phone.
    This right here, is some prime quality culinary critique.

  23. - Top - End - #23
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    ElfRangerGuy

    Join Date
    Jun 2018
    Location
    Belgium
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: A joke thread

    Meetings: an event where the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
    Clacks-Overhead: GNU Terry Pratchett

    "Magic can turn a frog into a prince. Science can turn a frog into a Ph.D. and you still have the frog you started with." Terry Pratchett
    "I will not yield to evil, unless she's cute."

  24. - Top - End - #24
    Barbarian in the Playground
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Location
    Earth and/or not-Earth
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: A joke thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Peelee View Post
    The cop walks up to the window and says, "did you know you were going 80 miles per hour?"
    "Dammit," yelled Heisenberg, "now I'm lost!"

    ETA: I promise I'm not trying to one-up anyone, these are just alternate versions I've heard.
    I don't particularly mind being one-upped by someone with a better joke than me.
    I'm making a webcomic, featuring absurdity, terrible art, and alleged morals.

  25. - Top - End - #25
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    RogueGuy

    Join Date
    Dec 2019
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: A joke thread

    A man jumps off a hundred floor building. Another man sticks his head out the window on the fiftieth floor and just manages to here him say as he passes by "So far, so good".
    Get your physics out of my D&D!

    Proudly Chaotic

  26. - Top - End - #26
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    N7Paladin's Avatar

    Join Date
    Sep 2019
    Location
    Aboard the Normandy SR-2
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: A joke thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Sermil View Post
    A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says "Wait, I think I'm in the wrong joke."
    comedy gold!!!!👏👏👏


    Shamelessly stolen:

    I bought shoes from a drug dealer last week.
    I don't know laced them with but I was tripping all day!



    What do began zombies eat?
    Graaaaaaiiiiinss


    What's the hardest part about skydiving?
    The ground
    For free sketches: click here

  27. - Top - End - #27
    Troll in the Playground
     
    BisectedBrioche's Avatar

    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Some rainly old island
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: A joke thread

    Many trans girl gamers have been limited in their ability to play AAA games by the abundance of...micro trans actions!
    Hi, I'm back, I guess. ^_^
    I stream LPs of single player games on Twitch! Mon, Wed & Fri; currently playing: Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door

  28. - Top - End - #28
    Titan in the Playground
     
    DracoDei's Avatar

    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Near Atlanta,GA USA
    Gender
    Male
    Last edited by DracoDei; 2020-05-24 at 07:12 PM.
    [Public Service Announcement]P.E.A.C.H stands for Please Examine And Critique Honestly[/Public Service Announcement]
    Extended Signature
    My Homebrew is meant to be used, but, if you do, PLEASE tell me how it goes.

  29. - Top - End - #29
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    PirateCaptain

    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    material & internet plane
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: A joke thread

    I'd tell you an original bread joke, but this one's Stollen.

    I'd tell you a nerve damage joke. It's quite insensitive, though.

    I'd tell you a Peter Pan joke, but I worry it'll never land.

    I'd tell you a different Peter Pan joke instead. This one never gets old.

    I'd tell you another "I'd tell you... but" joke about my horse, but I've already beaten it to death.

    There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who expected 10 to be in decimal, those who expected a binary joke that ends here, those who expected a base-3 joke that ends here, those who expected a...

  30. - Top - End - #30
    Troll in the Playground
     
    PirateGuy

    Join Date
    Jan 2008

    Default Re: A joke thread

    The son of a rich man had gone to a college overseas. After the first day at school, he wrote a letter back to his dad.

    "Dear father. College is great. Everyone around me is friendly. Just one thing though, everyone else, teachers and students alike, comes to school by train. I feel embarrassed arriving in a chauffeur driven gold plated Ferrari. Love, your son."

    The next day he received a reply, "Dear son. I have transferred $20 million to your bank account. Please stop embarrassing the family. Go and buy yourself a train as well."
    ESPRE Super Powers Roleplay Engine: An open game RPG about super powers.
    Spoiler
    Show

    Trissociate 3.5 Homebrew Base Class. Mix & match abilites & templates to make virtually any sort of character!
    Emerald Legion A Mind Flayer's guide to breeding Ikea Tarrasques
    The Blob Ikea Tarrasques Redux through Fusion+Astral Seed
    Spellblade Tennis Throw out nigh infinite spells per round
    Sleeping Raven Infinite Blood Frenzy Nigh infinite melee damage exploit

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •