1001 Lessons of the School of Hard Knocks

[Lord_Gareth]

1. Levers are evil and not to be trusted.
2. Damsels lacking most of their clothing are usually evil and to be trusted only warily (most of the time, it's a succubus, but sometimes, it's just some...ah, forced entertainment.)
3. Those drow are not going to negotiate.
4. Neither is that beholder.
5. The party bard is neither a tank nor a Protection from Arrows spell.
6. If you are the party bard, remember that you're temporary backup, not permanent.
7. Killing a cult's idol does not mean they will surrender, it means they no longer get that +4 morale bonus to kicking your ass.
8. Soverign Glue has the word 'soverign' in its name for a reason.
9. There's always a way to come back from the dead.
10. Doing so is not always a good idea.

Now...ADD MORE!

[Crow]

11. The King's Daughter; Look but don't touch.

*bonus points for the reference...

[Riffington]

12. There are two gods of magic. One is the "uncaring" and the other is the goddess of death. Trust your wizard accordingly.

[mostlyharmful]

Spaceballs, woot.

13. Archmages are to be treated with respect due to their immense power and trigger-happy reactions. Life as a frog is over rated.
14. Dragons are to be treated with even more respect, Barbeque is best enjoyed when you aren't dealing with a twenty ton fire breathing carnivore.

[AtomicKitKat]

15. Purify Food and Drink may make the monster hamburger less toxic, but now it's tasteless.
15a. Unless you have Scavenging Gullet, don't volunteer to test the flavour before the spell.

[Roderick_BR]

13. Archmages are to be treated with respect due to their immense power and trigger-happy reactions. Life as a frog is over rated.

13a. If you really need to, kill him while he still level 1. From far. With a large group.

16. Don't forget, even if you are 4 levels above a mob, fighting 20 weak monsters is not a good idea. Probabilities say that they are likely to roll a few criticals, and their weapon base damage is usually the same as you.
17. Step away from wells. Always. Even common water wells in the middle of a town, with several citizens picking water everyday.
18. If you are not a paladin, or anything with a magic mount, don't waste your money on tough mounts or gear for it. Just hire someone to transport you through from one city to the next. If you gain a mount as a gift, don't even bother writing it down on your character sheet. You'll have to erase it soon anyway...

[Swooper]

18. If you are not a paladin, or anything with a magic mount, don't waste your money on tough mounts or gear for it. Just hire someone to transport you through from one city to the next. If you gain a mount as a gift, don't even bother writing it down on your character sheet. You'll have to erase it soon anyway...

Ahhh, reminds me of my first serious AD&D group. After several levels, we became the elite troubleshooters of a small nation's king (we helped him get on the throne, heh), and we ALWAYS had to ask for new horses. I remember one incident in particular where we tied them outside the temple we had to explore. When we came back, they were in the process of being eaten by zombies.

Another time, we left our horses and carriage in a fortress. That was on fire. Because we screwed up our diplomatic mission there.

Ahh, good times. Pardon me for not contributing anything relevant to this thread

[Eruenno]

19. Never rely on a Battle-Cleric for healing/raising. They usually have a hard time remembering any prayer that doesn't contain word smite...

[Tengu]

20. Do not associate with evil or Chaotic Stupid characters, unless it is an evil party (and gods help you if it's a Chaotic Stupid party). If they mess with someone, do not take their side because they are your friends, since they are going to betray you anyway - help that someone instead, thus cleaning your name.

[kemmotar]

21)Horses are not to be used to trigger traps...more than once!!You may need them to escape...

This actually happened...we discovered we had to cross a room full of traps(we discovered the traps by setting a few of them off)...So the party barbarian decides to test test whether there were traps everywhere...he knocks out his horse and throws it inside which ofc led to the horse's terrible death...he then used the horse's corpse as protection against the traps...too bad he didn't have anything to escape on later when haste was of the essence...

[StickMan]

22) Make sure the Door is unlocked before using the table as a battering ram on it. Or that it is a push door not a pull.

[martyboy74]

23. If you ever see a corpse just lying on a slab, attack it, preferably from outside of the room. It will invariably animate and attempt to attack.
23a.The same apply for all non-load bearing statues.

[Collin152]

23. If you ever see a corpse just lying on a slab, attack it, preferably from outside of the room. It will invariably animate and attempt to attack.
23a.The same apply for all non-load bearing statues.

Some of the load bearing ones too; magic holds the roof up until you destroy the statue. Then it collapses and kills you. Or maybe the statue just doesn't move its head at all.

[kemmotar]

22) Make sure the Door is unlocked before using the table as a battering ram on it. Or that it is a push door not a pull.

HAHAHA!!we actually had that happen to us!!We spent 3 hours(gametime) trying to open a door we even took 20 and the whole party pushed...someone then had the idea to pull the door which opened soundlessly and really easilly!

23)when encountering a living door whose name you must utter its name in order to open(and it won't tell you) don't waste hours trying to trick it...Just hold hands and dance in a circle singing"we're so happy dancing in a circle, my name is:X" with the names of each party member one by one until the door joins is and tells you its name...

[Armoury99]

24. Not detecting traps doesn't mean there aren't any.
25. Nine words for dungeon survival: "Since you can't find any traps, you're opening it."

[Nonah_Me]

26: The fact that the Trickery Cleric has the spell Detect Traps doesn't mean he's actually going to detect them.
27: You do not, in fact, need to intimidate the barkeep.
28: Or bluff him into beliving the rest of the town is on fire.
29: Or that his mother is an undead zombie in the church of Pelor's basement.
30: Or that HE is an undead zombie in the church of Pelor's basement.
31 Ad nasusem

[Azerian Kelimon]

32) Belts of battle, Thralls of Demogorgon, and Frenzied berserkers are NOT nice and a piece of the party. They ARE a party by themselves, so let them be and stay farther away than from an archmage.

[de-trick]

33) just because the barbarian/frenzied berserker is a nice guy not think there nice when they frenzy

[Dausuul]

34: Dead people left to rot on the battlefield are always safe. Dead people buried in regular cemetaries are usually safe. Dead people buried in any kind of tomb, however, are one hundred percent guaranteed to come back as undead. Necromancers wishing to raise undead hordes need not waste time learning spells like create undead; they just need to buy a modest mausoleum and start tossing corpses in.

35. Unguarded, undefended piles of gold are not to be trusted.

36. If you approach a beggar, he is simply a beggar and you may do with him as you please. If a beggar approaches you, he is a (dragon/archmage/demon lord/god) in disguise and you had better treat him with suitable respect.

[streakster]

37: "I have a sword" is not a plan. It is a statement. Using statements for plans can really hurt.

[Azerian Kelimon]

38 Unless, it's "I have up to level 9 spells/up to three Vengeful Gazes of God maximized and empowered that I can take and still stand". Then, duck and cover.

[Chronos]

36. If you approach a beggar, he is simply a beggar and you may do with him as you please. If a beggar approaches you, he is a (dragon/archmage/demon lord/god) in disguise and you had better treat him with suitable respect.

Oh, the beggar isn't always a dragon/archmage/demonlord/god. Usually, he's just a rogue three levels higher than anyone in the party who just robbed you all blind and by the way, he's already blended back into the crowd and you have no chance of finding him again.

[Galathir]

39. If you approach a random NPC and the DM has a name, characteristics, and detailed description of him, it is NOT a random NPC. You cannot kill it, do what it says.

40. When you just killed the BBEG in one round and annoyed the DM, wish isn't the only spell that can have nasty consequences.

[Guy_Whozevl]

41. There's a universal answer to every problem; it starts with a "fire" and ends with a "ball."
42. It can be safely stated that a random person you attack in Faerun has a 50% chance of being a God/Dragon/Archmage/Elminster/Epic Guy. The other 50%, the dude's a level 1 commoner.
43. Never trust the evil Sorcerer, especially if he's fooled you already.
44. In real life, people rest for about 8 hours once per day; in game, the party rests every 10 minutes.

[SurlySeraph]

45. Adventurers can't call in reinforcements.
46. If the king hired you to clear out the dungeon because sending adventurers is cheaper than calling out the army, don't tell him the reward he gives you is too skimpy.
47. Make sure you know what the artifact does before you stab anyone with it.
48. Don't touch sentient swords, unless you know that they share your alignment. And even then, you might want to wear gloves.
49. If you're in the temple of an evil deity, never, ever put anything on the altar. If you put an animal on the altar and kill it, you are about to be just as dead as the animal is.
50. Just because a trap went off when you walked over that patch of floor doesn't mean a second trap won't go off if you walk there again.
51. Each member of a party should carry a bottle of Universal Solvent. There are certain places in which everything is made out of glue.
52. Don't try to rob mysterious old men in robes. That goes double if they have long beards. If they're also carrying intricately carved staffs, just ask them if they have a quest to send you on and get out of there.
53. The Rogue always has another dagger. Always.
54. You could sleep out in the open air without setting a watch. You could also slather yourself in barbecue sauce and put up a sign reading "Free Food!" in Orcish.
55. The demon prince is going to betray you. The only questions are when, and whether you have to make a deal with him to advance the plot first.
56. Do not sleep with anyone whom you have not yet used Detect Evil on.
57. Under no circumstances should you sleep with a succubus or vampire. Even if you have an item that makes you immune to level drain. Especially if you have an item that makes you immune to level drain.
58. Sleeping with a Drow priestess, any cultist, or any necromancer is a slightly less bad idea. However, it's still a very bad idea.
59. Most necromancers are evil. Don't trust them.
60. If you've learned that the cult has infiltrated the local government, you shouldn't immediately go tell the mayor without resting and replenishing your spells first.
61. If it tried to eat you, you should not eat its corpse.

[BRC]

62. Perfect Plans Are not.
63. Fire may be a useful and stylish method for dispatching your foes, however, there is a time and place for it, and the place is never in a city with lots of wooden buildings.
64. Explosives and enclosed spaces don't mix well.
65. Once your golden-tounged monk-diplomat has convinced the orcs not to kill you and feast on your flesh, don't let him then try to conver them to his religion of pure law (Happened many many times in one of our campaigns. Preety much at least once a session).

[huyneo]

66. Do not make an plan to kill a god. It won't work.
67. Even when it does over 6million damage per round.... It still won't work

[Dervag]

68. If you are playing a knight in shining armor, do not decide to make a heroic lance charge against a monster with breath that turns living creatures to stone. You have powerful magic items and good saves to protect you from being converted into the rider of an equestrian statue. Your horse... does not.

[Sir Bernard ended up headbutting a tree; fortunately the rest of the party managed to kill the gorgon]

68a. The same argument goes for any tactic that involves riding a mount significantly easier to kill than yourself.

[triforcel]

69. Do not ask an NPC Druid if he would be your "horsie"
70. Don't bother fighting the city guards, just give them beer.
70 a. If that doesn't work then you're probably better off running from the city guards.
71. Just because you can steal from the npc, doesn't mean you should.
72. Do not criticize the cleric on how he chooses to heal people.
72 a. Double if the cleric spontaneously casts Inflict spells
73. If the cleric spent all the time healing you in combat, don't complain that he didn't contribute to the fight.
74. Just don't complain about the cleric.

[Stam]

75. Friendly fire isn't.