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Thread: Tell A Joke!

  1. - Top - End - #61
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Default Re: Tell A Joke!

    Bad jokes from my side? Well, okay, I'll live with that. Alas, really good jokes I know of, are usually vulgar and can't be posted here. Will enjoy reading jokes from others.

    UPD: Well my last attempt to please the audience

    A doctor in the hospital is walking around, followed by an orderly, a large guy carrying a huge axe.

    They come to the first patient.

    Doctor says: "Hm... To this one we should amputate the ear."
    CHOP, - the orderly swings his axe.

    Another patient.
    "And to this one... a nose."
    CHOP!

    Third one.
    "And to him... left leg."
    CHOP!
    "I said the left one!"
    CHOP!
    "I said the leg!"
    CHOP!
    "Not this patient!"
    Last edited by Edreyn; 2020-10-14 at 11:48 PM.

  2. - Top - End - #62
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    Lizardfolk

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    A long billed bird is tossing a ball up in the air and catching it repeatedly. A short billed bird grabs a ball to imitate it and says "two can play at that game."
    Quote Originally Posted by The Glyphstone View Post
    Vibranium: If it was on the periodic table, its chemical symbol would be "Bs".

  3. - Top - End - #63
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    ElfRangerGuy

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    A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
    The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
    The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
    The pharmacists exclaimed, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!"
    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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  4. - Top - End - #64
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    Two scientists walk into a bar.

    The first says, "I'll have an H20."

    The second says "I'll have an H20, too", and dies from drinking sulphuric acid.

    The second rolls his eyes and turns to his colleague, "Oh for goodness sake, they serve people from the lab all the time here. They're only down the road. She isn't going to be impressed! If you think she's cute just tell her, you useless lesbian!"
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  5. - Top - End - #65
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    PirateCaptain

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    Quote Originally Posted by BisectedBrioche View Post
    Two scientists walk into a bar.

    The first says, "I'll have an H20."

    The second says "I'll have an H20, too", and dies from drinking sulphuric acid.

    The second rolls his eyes and turns to his colleague, "Oh for goodness sake, they serve people from the lab all the time here. They're only down the road. She isn't going to be impressed! If you think she's cute just tell her, you useless lesbian!"
    H2O2 would be hydrogen peroxide. Sulphuric acid is H2SO4.

    Which reminds me:
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    A: They can't afford the potassium night rate.

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    A: A stern letter from the ethics committee.
    NB: While I never mean to offend anybody, sometimes the unfortunate combination of Aspergersism and the inherent difficulty of reading a situation through uninflected text over the internet get in the way of that goal. Please feel free to point out any social faux pas, inappropriate joke timing, etc.

  6. - Top - End - #66
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    Bonecrusher Doc's Avatar

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    Whoa... Just thinking of an octo-camel sends shivers down my spine! Especially if it spits poisonous ink!
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  7. - Top - End - #67
    Pixie in the Playground
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    News reporters visit a hen about a shockingly huge egg she laid recently.
    “This is amazing,” they tell the hen,
    “a two pound egg, that’s unheard of! Do you have any goals for the future?”
    “Yes, I’m really aiming for a four pounder!” says the hen proudly.
    “And you, sir, congratulations,” the reporters approach the rooster,
    “what are your goals for the future?” The rooster replies darkly,
    “To beat up that darn ostrich!”

  8. - Top - End - #68
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    Quote Originally Posted by Peelee View Post
    Then why the thanks? Still not getting the joke.
    Had trouble figuring that out myself, but I think it's supposed to mean the shooter got shot in the meanwile, so he heard the other ghost.

    It's nice and dark, but it could use a better delivery...

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  9. - Top - End - #69
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    Default Re: Tell A Joke!

    A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
    Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
    Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
    Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
    I have a LOT of Homebrew!

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  10. - Top - End - #70
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    Default Re: Tell A Joke!

    Quote Originally Posted by JNAProductions View Post
    A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
    Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
    Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
    Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
    This needs to be about twice as long to be a proper shaggy dog, there's not enough built up anticipation of the non-joke at the end.

  11. - Top - End - #71
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    Quote Originally Posted by tyckspoon View Post
    This needs to be about twice as long to be a proper shaggy dog, there's not enough built up anticipation of the non-joke at the end.
    I copy-pasted it from a Game Grumps Episode of Mario Galaxy. It was a comment on there.

    And it made me chuckle, so I figured I'd share. But I see what you mean.
    I have a LOT of Homebrew!

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  12. - Top - End - #72
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    A group of engineers are sitting around, debating who designed the human body.

    One says, "It was an Architectural Engineer. Look at how the skeleton protects and supports everything."

    The second says, "No, no. It was a Mechanical Engineer. Look at the muscles and tendons...how everything moves, where the power is."

    The third says, "You're both wrong, it was an Electrical Engineer. The central nervous system controls all of that."

    The last says, "Nope. It was a Civil Engineer."

    The rest are baffled, and ask, "How do you figure?"

    He shrugs and says, "Who else would run a sewage line through a recreation area?"
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  13. - Top - End - #73
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    BardGuy

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    You are looking for some deep meaning where there is no one. The humor is - what kind of abomination is the wounded, if he talks even after being shot to death.

    Another one:

    Three people in the bar are planning to kill their mothers-in-law.

    The first one says: "I will buy her a luxurious car, but will damage the breaks. She'll drive fast, won't be able to stop or even slow and will crash to death."

    The second one says: "I got a better idea. I will buy my mother-in-law a villa with a balcony. And will secretly break the pillars holding the balcony. She will come to the balcony, it will break and she'll fall right on the asphalt."

    The third one: "Nah, I can do even better. I'll buy a few boxes of aspirin. Then I'll add a little water and will paste all pills into one huge pill of aspirin. And I'll put it on the table in the kitchen. My mother-in-law will enter the kitchen, see the huge pill and stand in surprise, unable to understand where it came from. And this moment I'll strike her down with an axe!"

  14. - Top - End - #74
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    PirateCaptain

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    Q: What do call a giant disc made of iron?
    A: A ferrous wheel. I make no apologies.
    NB: While I never mean to offend anybody, sometimes the unfortunate combination of Aspergersism and the inherent difficulty of reading a situation through uninflected text over the internet get in the way of that goal. Please feel free to point out any social faux pas, inappropriate joke timing, etc.

  15. - Top - End - #75
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    OldWizardGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Edreyn View Post
    You are looking for some deep meaning where there is no one. The humor is - what kind of abomination is the wounded, if he talks even after being shot to death.

    Another one:

    Three people in the bar are planning to kill their mothers-in-law.

    The first one says: "I will buy her a luxurious car, but will damage the breaks. She'll drive fast, won't be able to stop or even slow and will crash to death."

    The second one says: "I got a better idea. I will buy my mother-in-law a villa with a balcony. And will secretly break the pillars holding the balcony. She will come to the balcony, it will break and she'll fall right on the asphalt."

    The third one: "Nah, I can do even better. I'll buy a few boxes of aspirin. Then I'll add a little water and will paste all pills into one huge pill of aspirin. And I'll put it on the table in the kitchen. My mother-in-law will enter the kitchen, see the huge pill and stand in surprise, unable to understand where it came from. And this moment I'll strike her down with an axe!"
    Reminds me of the old joke:

    A dog walks into the bar, and says "Get me a bowl of water"

    The bartender replies, "Oh my god, a talking dog!"

  16. - Top - End - #76
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    Farmer lives on their farm with their chickens and significant other, who does no work on the farm and brow beats them every day.
    One night as the family is settling down the Farmer steps into the bedroom with one of their chickens and says "Look honey, this is the cow I sleep with on nights I can't sleep with you"
    The significant other, always eager to belittle their partner sneers and says "You're a chicken farmer. That's a chicken you idiot."
    The Farmer nods sagely and says "I know. I was talking to the chicken."
    Last edited by Razade; 2020-10-22 at 08:15 PM.

  17. - Top - End - #77
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    the entirety of this post following the line is done in character. This might seem familiar to start but I'm trying to put a spin on it.
    Oh, jeez man, how did I end up here? It's a long story.

    It starts when I was coaching a minor league baseball team, of all things... Gotta tell you, all the players have some peculiar names, but I'll get to that in a minute.

    So my friend from out of town is sitting in on a practice, not much of a practice because my pitcher's running late, so my friend and I get talking and he asks me "So what are these guy's names?"

    So I start going through them "Who's on first, What's on Second, Idunnow's on Third" and that's when my friend interrupts me.

    "Who's on first?"

    "Yeah, Who's on first, what's on second—"

    "Yeah, I'm askin' ya, who's on first"

    "I'm tellin' ya! Who, Who is on first!"

    At that point Who sees what we're talking about and comes springint up. "Um, yes, uh... Sorry but... It's not Who. It's just... The Doctor."

    My friend gets even more confused. "Doctor Who?"

    "Is on first!" I shout at him. Boy my friend can be a bit thick.

    "No, just the Doctor."

    "So Who's on first?"

    "Yes!"

    "The Doctor?"

    "Who?"

    "Who is on first!"

    "That's what I'm asking!"

    "Not Who, it's just 'The Doctor!'"

    "Yes! Doctor Who is on First!"

    "Not Who, it's just the Doctor!"

    Anyway, my friend gets it then and Who gets back to first, I'm about to try and explain that What's on second again when my pitcher, David Here, gets in. He knocks on the side of the dugout entrance when he pulls and says, "Hey... It's Dave. Sorry, I had to take care of some stuff man."

    I'm about to tell him that it's fine, there's still plenty of time left in the practice and to get his stuff on and get to the mound when my friend says "Dave? Dave's not here."

    I look at him funny and ask him "Are you High?"

    "No, I'm Low. High's been dead for two years... You okay buddy?"

    I face palm and tell him. "Dave is Here, and Here is the Pitcher."

    "Dave's the pitcher?"

    "Dave?"

    "Yes, Here's the pitcher."

    "And Dave's not here?"

    "No, I'm Dave."

    "Dave is here and Dave is Here! Dave Here is the pitcher!"

    "Okay, okay, no need to shout!"

    Dear God it took me all my willpower not to scream...

    Anyway, now that Here was here we could get the practice started and everything goes on as normal, pretty standard practice, and then when we're done my friend Low comes up to me again and asks "So... Who's on first again?"

    I saw red, pulled out my pistol, and shot him. I shot Low. I Shot him high and Low... But you gotta understand how much he was getting on my nerves, man... It's always like this with him...

    And that, your honor, is why I am pleading not guilty by reason of temporary insanity.

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  18. - Top - End - #78
    Dwarf in the Playground
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    You know I've heard that all the time in isolation during the pandemic has really gotten the creative juices flowing for some playwriters; there's talk of a new show they're going to do on Broadway once things return to normal. All the dialogue is going to be puns. Every single line, no exceptions.

    It's going to be a play on words

  19. - Top - End - #79
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    Goblin

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    I sold my vacuum yesterday.

    It was just collecting dust.

  20. - Top - End - #80
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    PirateCaptain

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    Q: How do you make a pirate angry?
    A: You take the p. So he'll be irate.
    NB: While I never mean to offend anybody, sometimes the unfortunate combination of Aspergersism and the inherent difficulty of reading a situation through uninflected text over the internet get in the way of that goal. Please feel free to point out any social faux pas, inappropriate joke timing, etc.

  21. - Top - End - #81
    Ogre in the Playground
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    [Best told quickly with enthusiasm]

    So Monkey's running through the jungle, leaping from tree to tree, and he finds his friend the Giraffe.

    Giraffe has rolled himself an enormous spliff, almost as long as his neck, and he's ready to just toke on it all day and let himself unwind. But Monkey says "NO Giraffe! Don't do this stuff anymore! It's so bad for you. You're coughing all the time, you're neglecting all your commitments, everything you own smells of weed ... Put it away and run with me! Be healthy and happy and run with me!

    And eventually, he gets Giraffe 🦒 to run with him, and they both go running through the forest, the Monkey still leaping from tree to tree. And then they find their friend Hippo.

    Now Hippo, he's scored himself some tabs of LSD, and he's ready to start tripping and seeing all kinds of strange things. Last time he took some he saw some animated female hippos dancing in tutus to classical music... But Monkey stops him and says "NO Hippo! Stop taking this stuff! It's so bad for you. Remember the bad trips? The worms under your skin? The freakouts? Put it away - be healthy, be happy, run with me!

    And eventually he persuades Hippo 🦛 to put the acid away and run with him, and the three of them go running through the jungle, Monkey still leaping from tree to tree. And then they find their friend Elephant.

    Now Elephant, well he's laid out some long, long lines of grade A Columbian white powder, that he's planning to snort all the way up his trunk before going on a good old rampage. But Monkey says "NO elephant! Don't do this stuff! It's so bad for you. You're so obnoxious when you take this, and so boring besides. And remember all the palpitations this gave you, and the chest pain - you could have a stroke or a heart attack next time! Put it away, look after your heart, be healthy, be happy, run with me.

    And the Elephant 🐘 did decide to run with him, and they all go running through the jungle together, Monkey still leaping from tree to tree... Until they find the Lion.

    Now Lion 🦁, he's got his burner out, he's got his needles ready, he's ready to dream that heroin dream. But Monkey runs up to him and says "No Lion! Put that stuff away! Be healthy, be happy, run with me!"

    And Lion looks at him. Monkey goes on " Remember the hepatitis? The endocarditis? The necrotising fasciitis? This stuff is so bad for you - put it away! Run with me!

    And Lion looks at him. Monkey steps closer "Look at you, you're wasting away"

    And Lion reaches out, grabs Monkey, and eats him.

    The other animals all look at Lion, until eventually Giraffe asks "Why did you do that, Lion"?

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    Lion snorts. "That Monkey 🐵. Every time he takes speed, everybody has to run with him!"


    EDIT: I learned this from some Israeli backpackers. I sometimes think it would make quite a good late night animated short.
    Last edited by paddyfool; 2020-11-05 at 08:01 AM.

  22. - Top - End - #82
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    BardGuy

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    The cold winter came, and all birds were preparing to fly to some warmer place.
    And there was one poor little bird who was afraid she won't manage the flight.
    So, the poor little bird came to the large kind birds and asked: "Please, please, may I fly together with you?".
    "Sure", the large kind birds answered, "We will be happy if you come with us!".
    "But I am so small and weak", said the poor little bird, "I will get tired very fast and won't be able to fly!".
    "Don't you worry", said large kind birds, "we are strong, and if you get tired one of us will carry you".
    "Oh, but I am afraid I can't cover any reasonable distance", poor little bird started to cry, "you will need to carry me almost all the time!".
    "Don't be afraid", large kind birds answered, "if you need, we''ll carry in turns for the whole flight!".
    "But what about food?!", poor little bird cried, "I won't be able to gather anything during winter!".
    "We will share whatever we find with you", said large kind birds.
    "But what if I will be too weak to eat together with you", the poor little bird continued to cry.
    "We are ready to feed you beak to beak", said large kind birds.
    "But I also can't get water from under the ice", the poor little bird couldn't stop crying.
    "We'll share water with you, from beak to beak if needed", said large kind birds.
    "But what if...", the poor little bird started,
    "Ah, screw you!", said large kind birds and left without her.
    Last edited by Edreyn; 2020-10-26 at 06:57 AM.

  23. - Top - End - #83
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    PirateCaptain

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    Q: Why can't programmers tell the difference between Halloween and Christmas?
    A: Because oct 31 and dec 25 are exactly the same! oct=base 8, dec=base 10
    NB: While I never mean to offend anybody, sometimes the unfortunate combination of Aspergersism and the inherent difficulty of reading a situation through uninflected text over the internet get in the way of that goal. Please feel free to point out any social faux pas, inappropriate joke timing, etc.

  24. - Top - End - #84
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Why is everyone convinced that pirates all sound the same? I guess they just ar.
    During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.

  25. - Top - End - #85
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    Three perfect logicians walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Would you all like a drink?"

    The first one says "I don't know".

    The second one says "I don't know".

    The third one says "Yes!".

  26. - Top - End - #86
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    Quote Originally Posted by Isocahedron View Post
    Three perfect logicians walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Would you all like a drink?"

    The first one says "I don't know".

    The second one says "I don't know".

    The third one says "Yes!".
    An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a glass of beer." The second says, "I'll have half a glass beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter glass of beer." The bartender says, "dammit, even I have my limits!" and pours two beers.

    Don't get me started on mathematician jokes, it won't end. Hell, the best part of that joke, IMO, is "an infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar". That's basically a punchline in itself.
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  27. - Top - End - #87
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    Two scientists walk into a bar.

    The first says, "I'll have an H20."

    The second says, "I'll have an H20, too."

    The bartender is tired of this joke and gives them both hydrogen peroxide.

  28. - Top - End - #88
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    Quote Originally Posted by Isocahedron View Post
    Two scientists walk into a bar.

    The first says, "I'll have an H20."

    The second says, "I'll have an H20, too."

    The bartender is tired of this joke and gives them both hydrogen peroxide.
    Two scientists walk into a bar.

    The first says, "I'll have an H20."

    The second says, "I'll have an H20, too."

    The server, having common sense, brings two waters. The first scientist is sad that the assassination attempt failed.
    Last edited by Peelee; 2020-11-04 at 09:39 PM.
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    If anyone has a crayon drawing they would like to put on the Kickstarter Reward Collection Thread, PM me.

  29. - Top - End - #89
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
    Fyraltari's Avatar

    Join Date
    Aug 2017
    Location
    France
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Tell A Joke!

    Quote Originally Posted by Peelee View Post
    Don't get me started on mathematician jokes, it won't end. Hell, the best part of that joke, IMO, is "an infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar". That's basically a punchline in itself.
    And now I'm picturing a guy waiting inside the bar to punch each and every mathematician as they come in one by one.
    "Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced."
    Gehm's corollary to Clarke's Third Law



    Forum Wisdom

    Quote Originally Posted by Peelee View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Fyraltari View Post
    the Vector Legion [is the IFCC's new pawns], mark my words. Way too much unfinished business there and they already know about the Gates.
    I'll take that bet.

  30. - Top - End - #90
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    DwarfClericGuy

    Join Date
    Jun 2007

    Default Re: Tell A Joke!

    Told by a chat friend:

    Guy's interested in old movies and cars, so he picks up a DeLorean.

    But as a bit of a power car enthusiast, he's not impressed by the car's poor acceleration and handling.

    So he pays a mechanic to upgrade everything, to make it a 'worthy' vehicle...

    He calls it his man DeLorean.
    May you get EXACTLY what you wish for.

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