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Thread: Tell A Joke!

  1. - Top - End - #91
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Lizardfolk

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    Default Re: Tell A Joke!

    Two friends wearing sandals walk down the street. One loses 86% of a shoe and the rest become a snake.
    Quote Originally Posted by The Glyphstone View Post
    Vibranium: If it was on the periodic table, its chemical symbol would be "Bs".

  2. - Top - End - #92
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Default Re: Tell A Joke!

    The barman says 'we don't serve hypothetical particles'. Then a tachyon goes into the bar.

    Why did the higgs boson enter church? To give mass.

    Why couldn't Heisenberg find his keys? He knew too much about their momentum.

    Heisenberg and Schroedinger are pulled over
    By a traffic cop, Because Heisenberg didn't know.how.fast he was driving. The cop, suspicious of the pair's foreign accents, looks in the trunk of the car .
    "Did you know there's a dead cat in here, Sir?" Says the cop. Schroedinger rolls his eyes and replies, "yes, well there is now."
    During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.

  3. - Top - End - #93
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Default Re: Tell A Joke!

    And now for something completely different. What has 2 legs and goes "rib rib"? Half a frog.
    During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.

  4. - Top - End - #94
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Beholder

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    Default Re: Tell A Joke!

    Pope Francis is going to a conference in New York. After his driver has put his luggage into the back of the limo -- and the Pope doesn't travel light -- he sees that the Pope is still standing outside the limo.

    "Would you like to get in, your Holiness?"

    "You know, I haven't driven myself anywhere since I became the Pope. Could I drive?"

    "Your Holiness, I'll lose my job."

    "You work for me. Plus, no-one has to know."

    "Alright, I suppose."

    Pope Francis grins. "Get in the back."

    He begins driving away from the airport. He's so excited that he starts driving very, very fast. The limo driver begs him to slow down, but he either can't hear him or doesn't listen. Soon, they get pulled over.

    The police officer looks in the limo, then walks away and radios his supervisor.

    "Sir, I just pulled over a limo doing 150 in a 60 zone."

    "Well, fine him then!"

    "Here's the thing. It's an important guy."

    "All the more reason to fine him."

    "No... really important."

    "Is it the Mayor? I can deal with the Mayor."

    "No, he's bigger than that."

    "A senator, then?"

    "No, bigger than that."

    "Don't tell me you pulled over the President!"

    "Bigger."

    "Well, who the hell is bigger than the President?"

    "I think it's God, sir."

    "And how do you figure that?"

    "Well, I don't recognize him, but his chauffeur is the Pope!"

  5. - Top - End - #95
    Orc in the Playground
     
    Devil

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    Default Re: Tell A Joke!

    Two humans walk into a bar. The halfling walks under it.
    A fundamental truth about existence: All is to be laughed at.

    Lawful Evil with Chaotic Good tendencies. Have fun figuring that out.

    How to deal with Slowbro in Gen 1:
    1. Mewtwo
    2. there is no #2.

    Quote Originally Posted by Man_Over_Game View Post
    Well, that makes you Dr. Robotnik. So...yeah?

  6. - Top - End - #96
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    PaladinGuy

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    Nov 2020

    Default Re: Tell A Joke!

    A trustworthy Politician.

  7. - Top - End - #97
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Rater202's Avatar

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    Default Re: Tell A Joke!

    A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a cantina.

    Unfortunately, it was closed as some jackass smuggler shot a rodian to death.
    I also answer to Bookmark and Shadow Claw.

    Read my fanfiction here. Homebrew Material Here

    Awesome Avatar by Emperor Ing
    Spoiler: Ode To Meteors, By zimmerwald
    Show
    Quote Originally Posted by zimmerwald1915 View Post
    Meteor
    You are a meteor
    Falling star
    You soar your
    Way down the air
    To the floor
    Where my other
    Rocks
    Are.

  8. - Top - End - #98
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    PaladinGuy

    Join Date
    Sep 2016

    Default Re: Tell A Joke!

    Quote Originally Posted by Isocahedron View Post
    Pope Francis is going to a conference in New York. After his driver has put his luggage into the back of the limo -- and the Pope doesn't travel light -- he sees that the Pope is still standing outside the limo.
    With much the same set-u:

    World famous scientist (it's Einstein in the version I head, but it doesn't work), is doing a series of conferences. After the 10th one he is fed up of people turning up with no interest in him or the topic, and even the driver is knows it by heart event even how the same predictable questions go every time.
    So they swap places.
    Unknown to him meanwhile his rival has also been getting fed up with the attention the scientist has been getting and finally has got the question that will make the scientist look silly.

    Never the less it all goes well for the scientist and the driver, no one suspects a thing. At the very last moment the rival gloatingly springs his trap with his killer question. At which point the driver answers "Why that is simple question! Even my driver can probably answer that".
    Last edited by jayem; 2020-11-15 at 05:42 PM.

  9. - Top - End - #99
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    Kobold

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    Default Re: Tell A Joke!

    Two cannibals were eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

  10. - Top - End - #100
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    ElfRangerGuy

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    Jun 2018
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    Default Re: Tell A Joke!

    -my body is a temple. ancient, crumbling and probably haunted or cursed.

    -Warning: please don't interupt me when I'm talking to the voices. They don't like that.

    -Why is it called a 'beauty sleep' when you wake up looking like a troll.

    -FINALS: Fuch, I Never Actually Learned this ****.

    -I just figured out my body type. It's hourglass with extra minutes.
    Clacks-Overhead: GNU Terry Pratchett

    "Magic can turn a frog into a prince. Science can turn a frog into a Ph.D. and you still have the frog you started with." Terry Pratchett
    "I will not yield to evil, unless she's cute."

  11. - Top - End - #101
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    RedWizardGuy

    Join Date
    Jan 2019

    Default Re: Tell A Joke!

    How many germans do you need to change a light bulb?
    One. We are efficient and have no humor.

    An infinite number of mathematicians enters a bar.
    The first want a beer. The second wants halve a beer. The third one wants a quarter of a beer etc.
    After a short time the barman says: "You are nuts!" and serves two beer.

  12. - Top - End - #102
    Dwarf in the Playground
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    Nov 2020

    Default Re: Tell A Joke!

    I went to the doctor. I told him, it hurts when I touch my knee. It hurts when I touch my throat. It hurts when I touch my forearm. When I touch my temple, it hurts, and when I touch my toe, it hurts too. I'm falling apart, Doc, you've got to do something to help me.

    The doctor took a deep breath and told me, "You *******, you've got a broken finger."
    ***
    I went to the Doctor and told him, "Doc, help, I'm having hallucinations that I've turned into a giant moth."

    The Doctor said, "Boy, that sounds serious. But I'm a dentist. Why did you come to my office?"

    I twitched my antennae and said, "Your light was on."

  13. - Top - End - #103
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    OldWizardGuy

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    Default Re: Tell A Joke!

    Interviewer: What's your favorite quote?
    Me: U+0022 because it copies correctly into code.

    ----

    Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?
    Me: I take questions too literally.
    Interviewer: Can you give an example?
    Me: Yes.

    ----

    Inteviewer: What's your greatest weakness?
    Me: Forgetting to add nul terminatorsf(�*␇#�25(*g�jza%��&*␦(��@#(␕#@�

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