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Thread: Tell A Joke!

  1. - Top - End - #271
    Pixie in the Playground
     
    SwashbucklerGuy

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    Default Re: Tell A Joke!

    Why did the medieval heretic undercook his meat?

    He didn't want to burn at the steak.

  2. - Top - End - #272
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    A man is standing in the middle of a street and is hitting a puddle of water with a long stick. Again and again.

    Everyone stares at him, until one man finally asks him.

    "Hey, pal, what the hell are you doing?"

    "Oh, I am scaring away sharks."

    "Huh? Are you nuts? There are no sharks here!"

    "Now you see how good I am?!"

  3. - Top - End - #273
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    Caerulea's Avatar

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    The two hardest things in programming: naming things, cache invalidation, and off by one errors.
    Non caerulea sum, Caerulea nomen meum est.
    Extended Signature.
    I'm not not a humanoid. Come not not be one too.
    Answer trivial questions in the OOTS trivia thread!

    she/her

    Avatar is me, as depicted by a friend.

  4. - Top - End - #274
    Dragon in the Playground Moderator
     
    Peelee's Avatar

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    Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

    Because the British couldn't fit them on a boat.
    Last edited by Peelee; 2022-10-13 at 09:43 PM.
    Cuthalion's art is the prettiest art of all the art. Like my avatar.

    Number of times Roland St. Jude has sworn revenge upon me: 2

  5. - Top - End - #275
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    ElfRangerGuy

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    Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you're wrong everyone is dead anyway.
    Clacks-Overhead: GNU Terry Pratchett

    "Magic can turn a frog into a prince. Science can turn a frog into a Ph.D. and you still have the frog you started with." Terry Pratchett
    "I will not yield to evil, unless she's cute."

  6. - Top - End - #276
    Ogre in the Playground
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    I looked in the 4e thread and tried to scroll down.
    Time to Chill Out - 5e base class contest

    Hold My Ale! Current subclass contest!




  7. - Top - End - #277
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    ElfRangerGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Peelee View Post
    Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

    Because the British couldn't fit them on a boat.
    One of my favorite genres of humor, "it's funny because it's true."
    "Nothing you can't spell will ever work." - Will Rogers

    Watch me draw and swear at video games.

  8. - Top - End - #278
    Troll in the Playground
     
    ElfRangerGuy

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    How do you make holy water?

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    You take regular water and boil the hell out of it.
    Clacks-Overhead: GNU Terry Pratchett

    "Magic can turn a frog into a prince. Science can turn a frog into a Ph.D. and you still have the frog you started with." Terry Pratchett
    "I will not yield to evil, unless she's cute."

  9. - Top - End - #279
    Pixie in the Playground
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    A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “because,” he said “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

  10. - Top - End - #280
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    ClericGuy

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    There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count and those who can't.

    A man walks into a bar, and says, "owww."
    If you think "interesting" is an anticlimax, I feel sorry for you because it means you don't really know about interesting.
    ~Robin McKinley

  11. - Top - End - #281
    Dragon in the Playground Moderator
     
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    Quote Originally Posted by ZhonLord View Post
    There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count and those who can't.
    There are two types of people: those who can extrapolate from incomplete information.

    There are 10 kinds of people, those who know binary and those who don't.
    Cuthalion's art is the prettiest art of all the art. Like my avatar.

    Number of times Roland St. Jude has sworn revenge upon me: 2

  12. - Top - End - #282
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    enderlord99's Avatar

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    There are 10 types of people: those who understand hexadecimal, and F the others.
    Spoiler: Vanity quotes
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    Quote Originally Posted by Strigon View Post
    Wow.
    That took a very sudden turn for the dark.

    I salute you.
    Quote Originally Posted by AuthorGirl View Post
    I wish it was possible to upvote here.

    I use braces (also known as "curly brackets") to indicate sarcasm. If there are none present, I probably believe what I am saying; should it turn out to be inaccurate trivia, please tell me rather than trying to play along with an apparent joke I don't know I'm making.

  13. - Top - End - #283
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    ClericGuy

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    What do you call melted sugar that performs on stage?

    Caramel dancing!
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    if a certain song got stuck in your head, congratulations, that was the real joke! SUFFER, MUAHAHAHAHA!
    If you think "interesting" is an anticlimax, I feel sorry for you because it means you don't really know about interesting.
    ~Robin McKinley

  14. - Top - End - #284
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    HalfTangible's Avatar

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    "I think you were cheating on the test."
    "What? What makes you say that?"
    "Well, on question 1, you and the girl next to you had the same answer."
    "Everybody knows who the first president is!"
    "She put 'I don't know' and you put 'me neither.'"

    ---

    What do you call an aileron roll that passes through multiple dimensions?

    A Rick roll.
    It's hard to forgive those who have wronged you but every moment you don't is another they have hurt you.

    "Decadence comes when man turns away from the stars and instead drowns himself in wine. However even if you're standing still on a rocket, you're still going thousands of miles per hour toward the heavens."

    Primal ego vos, estis ex nihilo

    Discord: HalfTangible#7505

    Extended Sig

  15. - Top - End - #285
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    OldWizardGuy

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    What do you call a feline transition from childhood to maturity? Purrrbety.

  16. - Top - End - #286
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    Fiery Diamond's Avatar

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    What do Arnold Schwarzenegger, a chicken, and a classical music composer have in common?

    They'll be Bach!

    ...It works better when said aloud.



    ---


    What did the old battery say to the young one?
    "You have a lot of potential!"


    ---

    One night we were eating dinner with lots of fruits and vegetables.
    "Can you pass me the jilted lover?" I asked.
    "What?" came the reply.
    "You know, a jilted lover can't elope!" I replied with a grin.
    And there was much groaning.

  17. - Top - End - #287
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Belkar caught a goblin child and asks him.

    'Little goblin, how old are you?'

    'Soon will be five!'

    'Ha! Won't be!'.

  18. - Top - End - #288
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    OldWizardGuy

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    Last year, I got really addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.

    So this year, I decided to quit cold turkey.

  19. - Top - End - #289
    Dragon in the Playground Moderator
     
    Peelee's Avatar

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sermil View Post
    Last year, I got really addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.

    So this year, I decided to quit cold turkey.
    You're out of your gourd if you think that stuffing a Thanksgiving joke in this thread is easy as pie.
    Cuthalion's art is the prettiest art of all the art. Like my avatar.

    Number of times Roland St. Jude has sworn revenge upon me: 2

  20. - Top - End - #290
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    BlackDragon

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    Dark comedy is like food. Not everyone gets it.

  21. - Top - End - #291
    Ogre in the Playground
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sermil View Post
    Last year, I got really addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.

    So this year, I decided to quit cold turkey.
    Quote Originally Posted by Peelee View Post
    You're out of your gourd if you think that stuffing a Thanksgiving joke in this thread is easy as pie.
    Don’t know which one I laughed harder at.

    Quote Originally Posted by Starlit Dragon View Post
    Dark comedy is like food. Not everyone gets it.
    Oh my… savage.



    Why was the stop light red?

    You would be too if you had to change in the middle of the road.
    Time to Chill Out - 5e base class contest

    Hold My Ale! Current subclass contest!




  22. - Top - End - #292
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    RedKnightGirl

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    Quote Originally Posted by Peelee View Post
    Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

    Because the British couldn't fit them on a boat.
    Did the British steal everything from Egypt?

    No, the Nile proved deceptively difficult to keep in buckets.
    "But it always seemed weird to me to get mad about things going wrong, as if everything turning out OK was promised to anyone, ever. There wouldn't need to be paladins if the world was, like, fair." -Lien

    Quote Originally Posted by KorvinStarmast View Post
    Howard Johnson Dame_Mechanus is right
    I get to be a favorite today!

  23. - Top - End - #293
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    BisectedBrioche's Avatar

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    Default Re: Tell A Joke!

    I came up with a niche joke I think some people around here might appreciate: https://twitter.com/BisectedBrioche/...74228230869003

    A 5th level fighter walks into an AD&D bar, run by a druid.

    They proceed to start quietly thieving from the other patrons.

    The bartender looks up disapprovingly; "Keep that up, and you're bard!"
    Hi, I'm back, I guess. ^_^
    I cosplay and stream LPs of single player games on Twitch! Mon, Wed & Fri; currently playing: Pathfinder: Kingmaker (Mon/Wed) and Earthbound (Fri)

  24. - Top - End - #294
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    ClericGuy

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    An irascible old farmer named Hu discovered one morning that his best rooster had flown into a tall tree beside his farm pond and wouldn’t come down, so he went to his neighbor, Wil, and asked for help. The men had never gotten along, but Wil finally agreed, so the two men went to the pond and began climbing the tree, Hu first. They meant to frighten the rooster out, you see, but the bird only kept flying higher, branch by branch.

    Then, just as Hu and the rooster reached almost the very top of the tree, with Wil right behind, there was a loud crack, the branch under Hu’s feet broke away, and down he went into the pond, splashing water and mud everywhere. Wil scrambled down as fast as he could and reached out to Hu from the bank, but Hu just lay there on his back, sinking deeper into the mud until only his nose stuck out of the water. Another farmer had seen what happened, and he came running and pulled Hu out of the pond.

    "Why didn’t you take Wil’s hand?" he asked Hu. "You could have drowned." "Why should I take his hand now?" Hu grumped. "I passed him just a moment ago in broad daylight, and he never spoke a word to me."
    If you think "interesting" is an anticlimax, I feel sorry for you because it means you don't really know about interesting.
    ~Robin McKinley

  25. - Top - End - #295
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    Lord Raziere's Avatar

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    If the author of The Sandman was a conqueror, what would be his favorite phrase?
    Spoiler: Answer
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    KNEEL, GUY-MAN!
    I'm also on discord as "raziere".


  26. - Top - End - #296
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    BisectedBrioche's Avatar

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    What do you call it when you cringe at a joke from The Simpsons or Futurama?

    Matt Groaning.
    Hi, I'm back, I guess. ^_^
    I cosplay and stream LPs of single player games on Twitch! Mon, Wed & Fri; currently playing: Pathfinder: Kingmaker (Mon/Wed) and Earthbound (Fri)

  27. - Top - End - #297
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    OldWizardGuy

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    Delayed christmas joke: why does Santa never get arrested?
    Because of the Santa Clause!

    A man walked into a bar.

    It was an iron bar.
    Last edited by Peelee; 2023-01-13 at 11:41 AM.
    Quote Originally Posted by AvatarVecna View Post
    Spoiler
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    I play W/W Mafia! I have not yet been mafia, believe me!
    Spoiler: Idea stolen from Snowblaze
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    W/W games won: 1
    W/W games lost: 1
    W/W games played total: 2
    W/W games narrated: 0
    W/W games spectated: 1
    W/W games as wolf: 0
    W/W games as Town: 2
    W/W games as Neutral: 0
    W/W games as Other: 0

    DEGENERATION 85: Copy this into your sig and subtract 1 from the degeneration when you first see it. This is an antisocial experiment.

  28. - Top - End - #298
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    GnomePirate

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    Quote Originally Posted by ZhonLord View Post
    An irascible old farmer named Hu discovered one morning that his best rooster had flown into a tall tree beside his farm pond and wouldn’t come down, so he went to his neighbor, Wil, and asked for help. The men had never gotten along, but Wil finally agreed, so the two men went to the pond and began climbing the tree, Hu first. They meant to frighten the rooster out, you see, but the bird only kept flying higher, branch by branch.

    Then, just as Hu and the rooster reached almost the very top of the tree, with Wil right behind, there was a loud crack, the branch under Hu’s feet broke away, and down he went into the pond, splashing water and mud everywhere. Wil scrambled down as fast as he could and reached out to Hu from the bank, but Hu just lay there on his back, sinking deeper into the mud until only his nose stuck out of the water. Another farmer had seen what happened, and he came running and pulled Hu out of the pond.

    "Why didn’t you take Wil’s hand?" he asked Hu. "You could have drowned." "Why should I take his hand now?" Hu grumped. "I passed him just a moment ago in broad daylight, and he never spoke a word to me."
    What happened with the pond? Surely the water is the point of this story.

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