Tell A Joke!

[Edreyn]

A man is standing in the middle of a street and is hitting a puddle of water with a long stick. Again and again.

Everyone stares at him, until one man finally asks him.

"Hey, pal, what the hell are you doing?"

"Oh, I am scaring away sharks."

"Huh? Are you nuts? There are no sharks here!"

"Now you see how good I am?!"

[Caerulea]

The two hardest things in programming: naming things, cache invalidation, and off by one errors.

[Peelee]

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Because the British couldn't fit them on a boat.

[farothel]

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you're wrong everyone is dead anyway.

[animorte]

I looked in the 4e thread and tried to scroll down.

[KillianHawkeye]

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Because the British couldn't fit them on a boat.

One of my favorite genres of humor, "it's funny because it's true."

[farothel]

How do you make holy water?

Spoiler

Show

You take regular water and boil the hell out of it.

[dan.meme]

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “because,” he said “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

[ZhonLord]

There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count and those who can't.

A man walks into a bar, and says, "owww."

[Peelee]

There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count and those who can't.

There are two types of people: those who can extrapolate from incomplete information.

There are 10 kinds of people, those who know binary and those who don't.

[enderlord99]

There are 10 types of people: those who understand hexadecimal, and F the others.

[ZhonLord]

What do you call melted sugar that performs on stage?

Caramel dancing!

Spoiler

Show

if a certain song got stuck in your head, congratulations, that was the real joke! SUFFER, MUAHAHAHAHA!

[HalfTangible]

"I think you were cheating on the test."
"What? What makes you say that?"
"Well, on question 1, you and the girl next to you had the same answer."
"Everybody knows who the first president is!"
"She put 'I don't know' and you put 'me neither.'"

---

What do you call an aileron roll that passes through multiple dimensions?

A Rick roll.

[ArlEammon]

What do you call a feline transition from childhood to maturity? Purrrbety.

[Fiery Diamond]

What do Arnold Schwarzenegger, a chicken, and a classical music composer have in common?

They'll be Bach!

...It works better when said aloud.



---


What did the old battery say to the young one?
"You have a lot of potential!"


---

One night we were eating dinner with lots of fruits and vegetables.
"Can you pass me the jilted lover?" I asked.
"What?" came the reply.
"You know, a jilted lover can't elope!" I replied with a grin.
And there was much groaning.

[Edreyn]

Belkar caught a goblin child and asks him.

'Little goblin, how old are you?'

'Soon will be five!'

'Ha! Won't be!'.

[Sermil]

Last year, I got really addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.

So this year, I decided to quit cold turkey.

[Peelee]

Last year, I got really addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.

So this year, I decided to quit cold turkey.

You're out of your gourd if you think that stuffing a Thanksgiving joke in this thread is easy as pie.

[Starlit Dragon]

Dark comedy is like food. Not everyone gets it.

[animorte]

Last year, I got really addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.

So this year, I decided to quit cold turkey.

You're out of your gourd if you think that stuffing a Thanksgiving joke in this thread is easy as pie.

Don’t know which one I laughed harder at.

Dark comedy is like food. Not everyone gets it.

Oh my… savage.

---

Why was the stop light red?

You would be too if you had to change in the middle of the road.

[Dame_Mechanus]

Why are the pyramids in Egypt?

Because the British couldn't fit them on a boat.

Did the British steal everything from Egypt?

No, the Nile proved deceptively difficult to keep in buckets.

[BisectedBrioche]

I came up with a niche joke I think some people around here might appreciate: https://twitter.com/BisectedBrioche/...74228230869003

A 5th level fighter walks into an AD&D bar, run by a druid.

They proceed to start quietly thieving from the other patrons.

The bartender looks up disapprovingly; "Keep that up, and you're bard!"

[ZhonLord]

An irascible old farmer named Hu discovered one morning that his best rooster had flown into a tall tree beside his farm pond and wouldn’t come down, so he went to his neighbor, Wil, and asked for help. The men had never gotten along, but Wil finally agreed, so the two men went to the pond and began climbing the tree, Hu first. They meant to frighten the rooster out, you see, but the bird only kept flying higher, branch by branch.

Then, just as Hu and the rooster reached almost the very top of the tree, with Wil right behind, there was a loud crack, the branch under Hu’s feet broke away, and down he went into the pond, splashing water and mud everywhere. Wil scrambled down as fast as he could and reached out to Hu from the bank, but Hu just lay there on his back, sinking deeper into the mud until only his nose stuck out of the water. Another farmer had seen what happened, and he came running and pulled Hu out of the pond.

"Why didn’t you take Wil’s hand?" he asked Hu. "You could have drowned." "Why should I take his hand now?" Hu grumped. "I passed him just a moment ago in broad daylight, and he never spoke a word to me."

[Lord Raziere]

If the author of The Sandman was a conqueror, what would be his favorite phrase?

Spoiler: Answer

Show

KNEEL, GUY-MAN!

[BisectedBrioche]

What do you call it when you cringe at a joke from The Simpsons or Futurama?

Matt Groaning.

[Caedorus]

Delayed christmas joke: why does Santa never get arrested?
Because of the Santa Clause!

A man walked into a bar.

It was an iron bar.

[H_H_F_F]

An irascible old farmer named Hu discovered one morning that his best rooster had flown into a tall tree beside his farm pond and wouldn’t come down, so he went to his neighbor, Wil, and asked for help. The men had never gotten along, but Wil finally agreed, so the two men went to the pond and began climbing the tree, Hu first. They meant to frighten the rooster out, you see, but the bird only kept flying higher, branch by branch.

Then, just as Hu and the rooster reached almost the very top of the tree, with Wil right behind, there was a loud crack, the branch under Hu’s feet broke away, and down he went into the pond, splashing water and mud everywhere. Wil scrambled down as fast as he could and reached out to Hu from the bank, but Hu just lay there on his back, sinking deeper into the mud until only his nose stuck out of the water. Another farmer had seen what happened, and he came running and pulled Hu out of the pond.

"Why didn’t you take Wil’s hand?" he asked Hu. "You could have drowned." "Why should I take his hand now?" Hu grumped. "I passed him just a moment ago in broad daylight, and he never spoke a word to me."

What happened with the pond? Surely the water is the point of this story.