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Thread: Tell A Joke!

  1. - Top - End - #91
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    Lizardfolk

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    Two friends wearing sandals walk down the street. One loses 86% of a shoe and the rest become a snake.
    Quote Originally Posted by The Glyphstone View Post
    Vibranium: If it was on the periodic table, its chemical symbol would be "Bs".

  2. - Top - End - #92
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    The barman says 'we don't serve hypothetical particles'. Then a tachyon goes into the bar.

    Why did the higgs boson enter church? To give mass.

    Why couldn't Heisenberg find his keys? He knew too much about their momentum.

    Heisenberg and Schroedinger are pulled over
    By a traffic cop, Because Heisenberg didn't know.how.fast he was driving. The cop, suspicious of the pair's foreign accents, looks in the trunk of the car .
    "Did you know there's a dead cat in here, Sir?" Says the cop. Schroedinger rolls his eyes and replies, "yes, well there is now."
    During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.

  3. - Top - End - #93
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    BardGuy

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    And now for something completely different. What has 2 legs and goes "rib rib"? Half a frog.
    During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.

  4. - Top - End - #94
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    Beholder

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    Pope Francis is going to a conference in New York. After his driver has put his luggage into the back of the limo -- and the Pope doesn't travel light -- he sees that the Pope is still standing outside the limo.

    "Would you like to get in, your Holiness?"

    "You know, I haven't driven myself anywhere since I became the Pope. Could I drive?"

    "Your Holiness, I'll lose my job."

    "You work for me. Plus, no-one has to know."

    "Alright, I suppose."

    Pope Francis grins. "Get in the back."

    He begins driving away from the airport. He's so excited that he starts driving very, very fast. The limo driver begs him to slow down, but he either can't hear him or doesn't listen. Soon, they get pulled over.

    The police officer looks in the limo, then walks away and radios his supervisor.

    "Sir, I just pulled over a limo doing 150 in a 60 zone."

    "Well, fine him then!"

    "Here's the thing. It's an important guy."

    "All the more reason to fine him."

    "No... really important."

    "Is it the Mayor? I can deal with the Mayor."

    "No, he's bigger than that."

    "A senator, then?"

    "No, bigger than that."

    "Don't tell me you pulled over the President!"

    "Bigger."

    "Well, who the hell is bigger than the President?"

    "I think it's God, sir."

    "And how do you figure that?"

    "Well, I don't recognize him, but his chauffeur is the Pope!"

  5. - Top - End - #95
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    Devil

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    Two humans walk into a bar. The halfling walks under it.
    A fundamental truth about existence: All is to be laughed at.

    Lawful Evil with Chaotic Good tendencies. Have fun figuring that out.

    How to deal with Slowbro in Gen 1:
    1. Mewtwo
    2. there is no #2.

    Quote Originally Posted by Man_Over_Game View Post
    Well, that makes you Dr. Robotnik. So...yeah?

  6. - Top - End - #96
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    PaladinGuy

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    A trustworthy Politician.

  7. - Top - End - #97
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    A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a cantina.

    Unfortunately, it was closed as some jackass smuggler shot a rodian to death.
    I also answer to Bookmark and Shadow Claw.

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    Quote Originally Posted by zimmerwald1915 View Post
    Meteor
    You are a meteor
    Falling star
    You soar your
    Way down the air
    To the floor
    Where my other
    Rocks
    Are.

  8. - Top - End - #98
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    PaladinGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Isocahedron View Post
    Pope Francis is going to a conference in New York. After his driver has put his luggage into the back of the limo -- and the Pope doesn't travel light -- he sees that the Pope is still standing outside the limo.
    With much the same set-u:

    World famous scientist (it's Einstein in the version I head, but it doesn't work), is doing a series of conferences. After the 10th one he is fed up of people turning up with no interest in him or the topic, and even the driver is knows it by heart event even how the same predictable questions go every time.
    So they swap places.
    Unknown to him meanwhile his rival has also been getting fed up with the attention the scientist has been getting and finally has got the question that will make the scientist look silly.

    Never the less it all goes well for the scientist and the driver, no one suspects a thing. At the very last moment the rival gloatingly springs his trap with his killer question. At which point the driver answers "Why that is simple question! Even my driver can probably answer that".
    Last edited by jayem; 2020-11-15 at 05:42 PM.

  9. - Top - End - #99
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    GnomePirate

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    Two cannibals were eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

  10. - Top - End - #100
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    ElfRangerGuy

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    -my body is a temple. ancient, crumbling and probably haunted or cursed.

    -Warning: please don't interupt me when I'm talking to the voices. They don't like that.

    -Why is it called a 'beauty sleep' when you wake up looking like a troll.

    -FINALS: Fuch, I Never Actually Learned this ****.

    -I just figured out my body type. It's hourglass with extra minutes.
    Clacks-Overhead: GNU Terry Pratchett

    "Magic can turn a frog into a prince. Science can turn a frog into a Ph.D. and you still have the frog you started with." Terry Pratchett
    "I will not yield to evil, unless she's cute."

  11. - Top - End - #101
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    RedWizardGuy

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    How many germans do you need to change a light bulb?
    One. We are efficient and have no humor.

    An infinite number of mathematicians enters a bar.
    The first want a beer. The second wants halve a beer. The third one wants a quarter of a beer etc.
    After a short time the barman says: "You are nuts!" and serves two beer.

  12. - Top - End - #102
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    I went to the doctor. I told him, it hurts when I touch my knee. It hurts when I touch my throat. It hurts when I touch my forearm. When I touch my temple, it hurts, and when I touch my toe, it hurts too. I'm falling apart, Doc, you've got to do something to help me.

    The doctor took a deep breath and told me, "You *******, you've got a broken finger."
    ***
    I went to the Doctor and told him, "Doc, help, I'm having hallucinations that I've turned into a giant moth."

    The Doctor said, "Boy, that sounds serious. But I'm a dentist. Why did you come to my office?"

    I twitched my antennae and said, "Your light was on."

  13. - Top - End - #103
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    OldWizardGuy

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    Interviewer: What's your favorite quote?
    Me: U+0022 because it copies correctly into code.

    ----

    Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?
    Me: I take questions too literally.
    Interviewer: Can you give an example?
    Me: Yes.

    ----

    Inteviewer: What's your greatest weakness?
    Me: Forgetting to add nul terminatorsf(�*␇#�25(*g�jza%��&*␦(��@#(␕#@�

  14. - Top - End - #104
    Pixie in the Playground
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    There is a blonde and a lawyer on a plane. The flight is long.
    The blonde silently turns away and looks out the window.
    Lawyer for the blonde:
    - Let me ask you a question, if you do not know the answer - you give me $5.
    Then you ask me a question, if I do not know the answer, I will give you $500.
    The blonde agrees.
    Lawyer:
    - What is the distance from the Moon to the Earth?
    The blonde silently gives him $5.
    Blonde:
    - Who goes uphill on three legs and descends on four?
    A couple of hours pass. The lawyer called all his friends, rummaged through the Internet, he could not find an answer.
    He gives the blonde $500 and asks:
    - Who is it???
    The blonde silently gives him $5 and turns to the window.

  15. - Top - End - #105
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    Two men, one of which was a mathematician and the other of which was a fan of classic riddles, made a bet. The mathematician lost, and offered: "either I can pay you a thousand dollars now, or I can pay you a cent today, two cents tomorrow, and so on for a whole month; that's thirty-one days. Which would you prefer?"

    The riddle-fan was themselves decent at math, and quickly calculated that the latter option would end up earning them well over twenty million dollars on the last day alone. Naturally, that's what they chose.

    Spoiler
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    After the whole month, they ended up with only $4.96.
    Last edited by enderlord99; 2021-02-17 at 05:41 AM.
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  16. - Top - End - #106
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    Quote Originally Posted by enderlord99 View Post
    Two men, one of which was a mathematician and the other of which was a fan of classic riddles, made a bet. The mathematician lost, and offered: "either I can pay you a thousand dollars now, or I can pay you a cent today, two cents tomorrow, and so on for a whole month; that's thirty-one days. Which would you prefer?"

    The riddle-fan was themselves decent at math, and quickly calculated that the latter option would end up earning them well over twenty million dollars on the last day alone. Naturally, that's what they chose.

    Spoiler
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    After the whole month, they ended up with only four dollars and fifty-one cents.
    Spoiler
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    Where does that figure come from? I get how they expected millions but why $4.51? 1 cent today and two cents a day for a month add up to $0.63. What am I missing?
    "Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced."
    Gehm's corollary to Clarke's Third Law



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    Quote Originally Posted by Fyraltari View Post
    the Vector Legion [is the IFCC's new pawns], mark my words. Way too much unfinished business there and they already know about the Gates.
    I'll take that bet.

  17. - Top - End - #107
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fyraltari View Post
    Spoiler
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    Where does that figure come from? I get how they expected millions but why $4.51? 1 cent today and two cents a day for a month add up to $0.63. What am I missing?
    Spoiler
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    He expected it to double each day, but instead it increased by one each day, which is much less impressive but still both fits the pattern and is an increasing function.


    EDIT: WolframAlpha started at 10 for some reason, as I was preparing the joke. I'll edit in the correct amount.
    Last edited by enderlord99; 2021-02-17 at 05:34 AM.
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    Wow.
    That took a very sudden turn for the dark.

    I salute you.
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    I wish it was possible to upvote here.

    I use braces (also known as "curly brackets") to indicate sarcasm.
    Explanation here.

    Most pronouns are fine for me. Just don't try to mix them.

  18. - Top - End - #108
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    Quote Originally Posted by enderlord99 View Post
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    He expected it to double each day, but instead it increased by one each day, which is much less impressive but still both fits the pattern and is an increasing function.
    *Facepalms*
    "Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced."
    Gehm's corollary to Clarke's Third Law



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    Forum Wisdom

    Quote Originally Posted by Peelee View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Fyraltari View Post
    the Vector Legion [is the IFCC's new pawns], mark my words. Way too much unfinished business there and they already know about the Gates.
    I'll take that bet.

  19. - Top - End - #109
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    Default Re: Tell A Joke!

    The riddle fan then takes the mathematician to small claims court, where the judge decrees that since no explanation between the two equally likely scenarios was made, either one could be seen as valid and the most equal decision for both parties is for the original thousand dollars to be paid, and neither one "gets one over" on the other.

    Also the mathematician tells the riddle fan that they estimated twice as much money as they would have gotten even if the mathematician doubled the payment every day.
    Last edited by Peelee; 2021-02-17 at 09:08 AM.
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    Peelee's genius status confirmed
    Seconded.

  20. - Top - End - #110
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    Something to say when going to the doctor: According to this BMI chart, I'm too short

    When the zombie apocalypse starts, I'm rushing to the nearest graveyard for the best game of whack-a-mole ever.
    Clacks-Overhead: GNU Terry Pratchett

    "Magic can turn a frog into a prince. Science can turn a frog into a Ph.D. and you still have the frog you started with." Terry Pratchett
    "I will not yield to evil, unless she's cute."

  21. - Top - End - #111
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    A man and his family walk into a talent agency, talking about their act.

    Five seconds into the man's description of the act, the Agent stops him: "Wait, this sounds familiar" and calls the police.
    I also answer to Bookmark and Shadow Claw.

    Read my fanfiction here. Homebrew Material Here

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    Quote Originally Posted by zimmerwald1915 View Post
    Meteor
    You are a meteor
    Falling star
    You soar your
    Way down the air
    To the floor
    Where my other
    Rocks
    Are.

  22. - Top - End - #112
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rater202 View Post
    A man and his family walk into a talent agency, talking about their act.

    Five seconds into the man's description of the act, the Agent stops him: "Wait, this sounds familiar" and calls the police.
    Dwight Schrute's version was pretty good.
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    Quote Originally Posted by pearl jam View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by hroşila View Post
    Peelee's genius status confirmed
    Seconded.

  23. - Top - End - #113
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    Default Re: Tell A Joke!

    What did the lovecraftian eldritch abomination say to the memelord?
    You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
    Then the memelord was tentacles

    A postmodernist walks into a bar. After trying a beer he says "This beer is like this joke: stale"

    A politician walks into a bar, tries the beer and says "This is the best beer I've ever tasted."
    Then he walks into another one, tries the beer and says "This is the best beer I've ever tasted."
    Then he walks into another one, tries the beer and says "This is the best beer I've ever tasted."
    Then he walks into another one, tries the beer and says "This is the best beer I've ever tasted."......

    Why couldn't the lawyer walk into the pub?
    Because he was disbarred.

    A memelord walks into a bar, falls down from the pain going "LOL I hit my head" Then everyone else does so as well.

    A famous streamer walks into a bar. the bartender says "hey wait a minute, you don't drink."
    the streamer replies "Not after the last bitdrop I got."

    A bunch of youtubers walk into a bar. the bartender says "Wait minute, none of you drink"
    they answer: "Not when everyone else is doing it."

    A fanfiction author walks into a bar orders a drink and drinks it only halfway then turns to leave, the bartender asks
    "aren't you going to finish your drink?"
    "yes, don't worry my drink is just on hiatus."
    They never return.
    I'm also on discord as "raziere". Hate is a chain, free yourself.



  24. - Top - End - #114
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    A gamer walks into a bar...'s door frame. He does it three or four times before finally getting into the bar and taking a clumsy, awkward path up to the bat.

    The bartender says "hey man, you okay? You're walking funny"

    To which the gamer responds, "I'm fine, I'm just not used to the new control scheme yet."
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    Spoiler: Ode To Meteors, By zimmerwald
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    Quote Originally Posted by zimmerwald1915 View Post
    Meteor
    You are a meteor
    Falling star
    You soar your
    Way down the air
    To the floor
    Where my other
    Rocks
    Are.

  25. - Top - End - #115
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rater202 View Post
    A man and his family walk into a talent agency, talking about their act.

    Five seconds into the man's description of the act, the Agent stops him: "Wait, this sounds familiar" and calls the police.
    Some guys walk into a talent agency talking about their act.

    They tell the agent "we're all dress up as half naked senior citizens and go around squirting each other with water guns filled with pee and eating manure, and at the end one of us goes bungee jumping in a full port-a-potty"

    "What do you call this act" the agent asks them

    Their leader replies "The Aristocrats"

    And the agent replies "Well that sounds like a good act Mr.Knoxville, but how about if we called it 'Jackass' instead?"

  26. - Top - End - #116
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    Some guy and his family walk into a talent agency to talk about their act. Five seconds into the description, the agent says
    "Hey now we can't show that, thats offensive to aristocrats, we'd get destroyed by social media!"

    Some guy and his family walk into an aristocratic talent agency to talk about their act. Ten seconds into the description the aristocrat goes "Wait how did you know about our saturday night parties?"
    I'm also on discord as "raziere". Hate is a chain, free yourself.



  27. - Top - End - #117
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    A chicken walks into a bar and says to the bartender "you gotta phone? My car broke down, and, you know what they say about my kind and crossing the road."
    I also answer to Bookmark and Shadow Claw.

    Read my fanfiction here. Homebrew Material Here

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    Spoiler: Ode To Meteors, By zimmerwald
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    Quote Originally Posted by zimmerwald1915 View Post
    Meteor
    You are a meteor
    Falling star
    You soar your
    Way down the air
    To the floor
    Where my other
    Rocks
    Are.

  28. - Top - End - #118
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    RedKnightGirl

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    Quote Originally Posted by Fyraltari View Post
    Spoiler
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    Where does that figure come from? I get how they expected millions but why $4.51? 1 cent today and two cents a day for a month add up to $0.63. What am I missing?
    Spoiler: $0.46
    Show
    Personally I was expecting a series of 1 2 1 2 1 2 ...
    78% of DM's started their first campaign in a tavern. If you're one of the 22% that didn't, copy and paste this into your signature.
    The cleric was walking through a forest when he heard a loud explosion. Upon investigation, he quickly uncovered the ruins of a large tower he couldn't remember seeing there before. He decided to search the rubble for anything worth looting. At that point, I told the wizard to start rolling to see if he would stabilise.

  29. - Top - End - #119
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    A smuggler and a Rodian walk into a cantina. Ten minutes later, the Rodian is dead and the smuggler is nowhere to be found.

    An Imperial trooper is dispatched to investigate and asks the bartender for the details of the incident.

    To which the bartender answers "I have no idea. We. all the patrons and I, all saw it happen but we can't even agree about which one of them shot first."
    I also answer to Bookmark and Shadow Claw.

    Read my fanfiction here. Homebrew Material Here

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    Spoiler: Ode To Meteors, By zimmerwald
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    Quote Originally Posted by zimmerwald1915 View Post
    Meteor
    You are a meteor
    Falling star
    You soar your
    Way down the air
    To the floor
    Where my other
    Rocks
    Are.

  30. - Top - End - #120
    Pixie in the Playground
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    {scrubbed}
    Last edited by Peelee; 2021-03-06 at 11:22 AM.

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