Tell A Joke!

[Tvtyrant]

Two friends wearing sandals walk down the street. One loses 86% of a shoe and the rest become a snake.

[Mister Tom]

The barman says 'we don't serve hypothetical particles'. Then a tachyon goes into the bar.

Why did the higgs boson enter church? To give mass.

Why couldn't Heisenberg find his keys? He knew too much about their momentum.

Heisenberg and Schroedinger are pulled over
By a traffic cop, Because Heisenberg didn't know.how.fast he was driving. The cop, suspicious of the pair's foreign accents, looks in the trunk of the car .
"Did you know there's a dead cat in here, Sir?" Says the cop. Schroedinger rolls his eyes and replies, "yes, well there is now."

[Mister Tom]

And now for something completely different. What has 2 legs and goes "rib rib"? Half a frog.

[Isocahedron]

Pope Francis is going to a conference in New York. After his driver has put his luggage into the back of the limo -- and the Pope doesn't travel light -- he sees that the Pope is still standing outside the limo.

"Would you like to get in, your Holiness?"

"You know, I haven't driven myself anywhere since I became the Pope. Could I drive?"

"Your Holiness, I'll lose my job."

"You work for me. Plus, no-one has to know."

"Alright, I suppose."

Pope Francis grins. "Get in the back."

He begins driving away from the airport. He's so excited that he starts driving very, very fast. The limo driver begs him to slow down, but he either can't hear him or doesn't listen. Soon, they get pulled over.

The police officer looks in the limo, then walks away and radios his supervisor.

"Sir, I just pulled over a limo doing 150 in a 60 zone."

"Well, fine him then!"

"Here's the thing. It's an important guy."

"All the more reason to fine him."

"No... really important."

"Is it the Mayor? I can deal with the Mayor."

"No, he's bigger than that."

"A senator, then?"

"No, bigger than that."

"Don't tell me you pulled over the President!"

"Bigger."

"Well, who the hell is bigger than the President?"

"I think it's God, sir."

"And how do you figure that?"

"Well, I don't recognize him, but his chauffeur is the Pope!"

[Laughing Dog]

Two humans walk into a bar. The halfling walks under it.

[wheelmaker]

A trustworthy Politician.

[Rater202]

A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a cantina.

Unfortunately, it was closed as some jackass smuggler shot a rodian to death.

[jayem]

Pope Francis is going to a conference in New York. After his driver has put his luggage into the back of the limo -- and the Pope doesn't travel light -- he sees that the Pope is still standing outside the limo.

With much the same set-u:

World famous scientist (it's Einstein in the version I head, but it doesn't work), is doing a series of conferences. After the 10th one he is fed up of people turning up with no interest in him or the topic, and even the driver is knows it by heart event even how the same predictable questions go every time.
So they swap places.
Unknown to him meanwhile his rival has also been getting fed up with the attention the scientist has been getting and finally has got the question that will make the scientist look silly.

Never the less it all goes well for the scientist and the driver, no one suspects a thing. At the very last moment the rival gloatingly springs his trap with his killer question. At which point the driver answers "Why that is simple question! Even my driver can probably answer that".

[Trafalgar]

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

[farothel]

-my body is a temple. ancient, crumbling and probably haunted or cursed.

-Warning: please don't interupt me when I'm talking to the voices. They don't like that.

-Why is it called a 'beauty sleep' when you wake up looking like a troll.

-FINALS: Fuch, I Never Actually Learned this ****.

-I just figured out my body type. It's hourglass with extra minutes.

[Larbek24]

How many germans do you need to change a light bulb?
One. We are efficient and have no humor.

An infinite number of mathematicians enters a bar.
The first want a beer. The second wants halve a beer. The third one wants a quarter of a beer etc.
After a short time the barman says: "You are nuts!" and serves two beer.

[Ajustusdaniel]

I went to the doctor. I told him, it hurts when I touch my knee. It hurts when I touch my throat. It hurts when I touch my forearm. When I touch my temple, it hurts, and when I touch my toe, it hurts too. I'm falling apart, Doc, you've got to do something to help me.

The doctor took a deep breath and told me, "You *******, you've got a broken finger."
***
I went to the Doctor and told him, "Doc, help, I'm having hallucinations that I've turned into a giant moth."

The Doctor said, "Boy, that sounds serious. But I'm a dentist. Why did you come to my office?"

I twitched my antennae and said, "Your light was on."

[Sermil]

Interviewer: What's your favorite quote?
Me: U+0022 because it copies correctly into code.

----

Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?
Me: I take questions too literally.
Interviewer: Can you give an example?
Me: Yes.

----

Inteviewer: What's your greatest weakness?
Me: Forgetting to add nul terminatorsf(�*␇#�25(*g�jza%��&*␦(��@#(␕#@�

[TommyJo]

There is a blonde and a lawyer on a plane. The flight is long.
The blonde silently turns away and looks out the window.
Lawyer for the blonde:
- Let me ask you a question, if you do not know the answer - you give me $5.
Then you ask me a question, if I do not know the answer, I will give you $500.
The blonde agrees.
Lawyer:
- What is the distance from the Moon to the Earth?
The blonde silently gives him $5.
Blonde:
- Who goes uphill on three legs and descends on four?
A couple of hours pass. The lawyer called all his friends, rummaged through the Internet, he could not find an answer.
He gives the blonde $500 and asks:
- Who is it???
The blonde silently gives him $5 and turns to the window.