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Thread: Tell A Joke!
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2021-03-08, 07:20 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2004
Re: Tell A Joke!
Credit to Jill Bearup on YouTube.
"Remember, it's not mad science unless there's a mad control group."
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2021-03-09, 03:10 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Aug 2009
- Location
- Baltimore, MD
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
{{Scrubbed}}
Last edited by LibraryOgre; 2021-03-09 at 06:35 PM.
“Wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair and all the terrible things that happen to us, come because we actually deserve them? So now I take comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the Universe”- Marcus Cole
This has become my philosophy!
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2021-03-15, 01:24 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2009
- Location
- ??Ph??
Re: Tell A Joke!
3 countries, country A, B and C (feel free to replace in your head with whichever you wish) are doing a contest to see hwih as the better army and navy.
They tested their guns and their tactics and now they are to the last trial. They want to which navy is better at naval rescues. To do so they agree ona simple contest. A small neutral boat is sent to drop a rabbit in the ocean somewhere random off the coast where they are doing their maneuver. The goal is to find and rescue the rabbit as quick as possible (and preferably, alive, of course).
So the rabbit is dropped somewhere for the first time. it's the turn of Country A and their navy springs into action. They deploy ships. Fleets of corvettes and skifs and what have you... Five minutes pass. Ten minutes pass. Fifteen minutes. Twenty minutes..A silhouette appears at sea. A few minutes A boat commes to shore, a man proudly holding a wet and barely alive rabbit; but the rabbit nonetheless. The whole of the operation took twenty five minutes. Everyone gives a round of applause to the performance
Then it is now country B's turn. Another rabbit is sent and dropped. They send a fleet of hightech rabbit detect and rescue drones (tm). Five minutes Ten minutes. Fift... a silhouette appears zipping in the air. It's one of the drones carrying back carrying in a, once again, wet and tired but still alive rabbit. Fifteen minutes total. An even better result. Once again, a round of applause.
Finally comes the turn of country C. They deploy some very special state of the arm amphibious vehicles that can scour the ocean from the bottom.it's all very high tech. Five minutes. Ten minutes. Fifteen minutes. of dear it seems they won't beat country B. Twenty minutes. Twenty five. Not country A either, it seems. Thirty.... people are starting to exchange glances. Fourty. .. Hey there's something in the sk.. oh no it's jsut a seagull... Fifty minutes. An hour... Has something gone wrong ?
.. Two hours. Oh dead, people are starting to talk and panic. Three hours. Four hours...Yet nothing What could have happened ?
And then suddenly the water starts rippling alongside the shore. Something ... big is deforming the water.
it's the amphibious jeeps. And they are pulling a MASSIVE blue whale behind them on shore. Everyone is releived but also confused. From the front vehicle, a sergeant gets out, he's tall, muscular and broad shouldered in a full uniform. He jumps on the shore, walks straight to the whale and kicks it. Then, the setting sun glistening on his shades, he stand proud, hands on his hips and shouts:
"For the last time ! YOU WILL CONFESS YOU ARE A RABBIT !"I'm sig'ing in the rain, just sig'ing in the rain....
Somme old avatars, by meSpoiler
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2021-03-16, 05:25 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2004
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2021-03-24, 02:25 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2019
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.
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2021-03-25, 02:27 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2016
Re: Tell A Joke!
A man gets a phone call that his wife has been hospitalized. He rushes to the hospital and is met by the doctor in the emergency room. The doctor tells him "I'm afraid it's the big C...It fell off the sign at CVS and hit your wife in the head"
"If you want to understand biology don't think about vibrant throbbing gels and oozes, think about information technology" -Richard Dawkins
Omegaupdate Forum
WoTC Forums Archive + Indexing Projext
PostImage, a free and sensible alternative to Photobucket
Temple+ Modding Project for Atari's Temple of Elemental Evil
Morrus' RPG Forum (EN World v2)
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2021-03-30, 02:17 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2021
Re: Tell A Joke!
My boss just asked,
"Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."
I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."
He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"
I said, "Monday."The greatest gift you can give another is the purity of your attention
One of the best methods to show purity is rice purity test
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2021-03-30, 03:21 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2018
- Location
- Belgium
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
My teacher pointed me with his ruler and said: at the end of this ruler there's an idiot." I got detention after asking which end.
Clacks-Overhead: GNU Terry Pratchett
"Magic can turn a frog into a prince. Science can turn a frog into a Ph.D. and you still have the frog you started with." Terry Pratchett
"I will not yield to evil, unless she's cute."
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2021-03-31, 06:03 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2011
Re: Tell A Joke!
There once was a fellow from Crete,
whose limericks were never complete.
When told this was so,
he'd say "Yes! I know:"
I use braces (also known as "curly brackets") to indicate sarcasm. If there are none present, I probably believe what I am saying; should it turn out to be inaccurate trivia, please tell me rather than trying to play along with an apparent joke I don't know I'm making.
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2021-03-31, 06:09 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2005
- Location
- In the playground
Re: Tell A Joke!
Fake, but took a small bit of effort to manipulate with mspaint (it is family friendly)
Spoiler
There is no emotion more useless in life than hate.
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2021-04-03, 04:05 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2004
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2021-04-04, 08:17 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2007
- Location
- Some rainly old island
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
Did you hear about the movie about a killer candy cane?
The main arc doesn't start until near the end, but it has a few twists all along it.
EDIT:
There's a sequel about a stick of rock.
The writing stays the same through it.Last edited by BisectedBrioche; 2021-04-04 at 08:18 PM.
Hi, I'm back, I guess. ^_^I cosplay and stream LPs of single player games on Twitch! Mon, Wed & Fri; currently playing: Nier: Replicant (Mon/Wed) and The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons (Thurs or Fri)
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2021-04-05, 01:00 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2013
- Location
- Where I am
Re: Tell A Joke!
Inspired by a recent Texts From Superheroes.
Everyone knows that Bruce Wayne, Batman, is rich, but does anyone know how rich?
Bruce Wayne is so rich, that for easter he has the Robin hunt for Fabergé eggs and then when they're all found, he sells them and puts the money in whichever (adopted) son is robin right now's college fund.Last edited by Rater202; 2021-04-05 at 02:12 PM.
I also answer to Bookmark and Shadow Claw.
Read my fanfiction here. Homebrew Material Here Rater Reads the Hobbit and Dracula
Awesome Avatar by Emperor Ing
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2021-04-05, 02:11 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Aug 2017
- Location
- France
- Gender
Forum Wisdom
Mage avatar by smutmulch & linklele.
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2021-04-05, 02:32 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2013
- Location
- Where I am
Re: Tell A Joke!
Surely I have no idea what you're talking about.
So a Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar and at the counter that's an elderly man in a kilt and now shirt and the man is painted bright orange. The orange man seems, honestly, a bit unwell so the priest goes up to him and says "are you alright, sir?" and the Orange man responds, "yeah, I'm fine. I was in town for a football game but my team lost and the rest of my group left without me so I'm just kind of stranded here until my taxi comes."
Feeling compassion for the stranded orange man alone in the bar, the priest and his friend the rabbi both decide to sit at the bar with him and keep him company until the taxi comes for them and the three men are sipping their respective drinks and after a moment the orange man takes a cellphone out of a hidden pocket in his kilt and checks the time. "My taxi is two hours late and this bar closes in ten minutes. I don't know what I'm gonna do."
The priest and the rabbi look at each other and silently agree. "Well, if your ride isn't here by last call," the Rabbi says, "I'll take you to your hometown in my car. It's a bit out of the way but I have nothing to do in the morning."
The orange man thanks the rabbi and goes back to his drink. Five minutes into last call, the priest decides to crack a joke.
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
The orange man finishes his beer and says "because he was suicidal. The street was a busy highway."
The priest chuckles nervously, figuring that the orange man's taste in humor runs darker than his own, and moments later the bar starts closing down to the three men pay their tabs, get up, and head into the parking lot.
The priest parked closer to the bar than the rabbi did, so he has a perfect view of the rabbi and the orange man stopping in the middle of the parking lot, the orange man and rabbi laughing about something... And a taxi speeding into the parking lot and hitting the orange man.I also answer to Bookmark and Shadow Claw.
Read my fanfiction here. Homebrew Material Here Rater Reads the Hobbit and Dracula
Awesome Avatar by Emperor Ing
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2021-04-05, 09:15 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2010
- Location
- California
- Gender
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2021-04-24, 04:57 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2021
- Location
- In my room
Re: Tell A Joke!
Corporate wants you to find the difference between this thread and this thread.
"It's the same thread."
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2021-04-24, 05:10 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2010
Re: Tell A Joke!
Why is it impossible to pass anything in the Equine Congress?
SpoilerBecause horses lack the cognitive ability to understand the issues or the concept of voting.
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2021-04-24, 09:45 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2008
Re: Tell A Joke!
I have a hipster friend into magma music.
SpoilerIt's rock music before it was cool.
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2021-04-25, 01:30 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Aug 2010
- Location
- Mythical Land of Nebraska
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
I went to a bookstore and picked up a book on diagnosing kleptomania. It was quite a steal.
The not-so-secret identity of Nat1Advice.
I also write more serious 5e content on my blog, TBM Games.
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2021-04-25, 04:07 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2008
Re: Tell A Joke!
A man who is a known thief manages to get job at a construction site. The security guards, so every day at quitting, he comes trundling along with a load of rubbish in his wheelbarrow, the main security guard checks for any valuable items, but he always finds nothing. This went on for some time until the job ends. Years later, the security guard was retired, and he ran into the thief. "OK, I know you were stealing something, but I'm retired, and it's probably past the statute of limitations anyway." The thief smiles and nods. "Oh, yeah, yeah, I was stealing something from the site." The security guard nods. "OK, we watched you like a hawk, only time you were out of site was to use the toilets, and we checked there too, just what were you stealing?"
The thief shrugs and smiles.
Spoiler"Wheelbarrows."
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2021-04-27, 05:07 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2016
Re: Tell A Joke!
Tangent true story.
I got my mom a Baltic cruise for her 70th birthday, and had decided I was going to buy her a faberge egg as an extra present.
You could get them in all the Baltic countries, but I was dead set on getting mine in St. Peterburg for that authentic feel, even though I was warned it would be more expensive. So we arrive in St. Petersburg, ride around on a tour bus and eventually come to a bunch of classical tourist trap stores, which sure enough have faberge eggs. I look around until I see the one I want at just under a thousand bucks (probably overprized), locked behind bars and armored glass. As the salesperson is packing the egg into a nice little box, he notices that he is missing some papers that go along with the egg. He is so nervous anout leaving us alone with the egg, that he goes sprinting through the shop, leaving the other customers staring in amazement and nearly overturning the walker of an elderly lady. He makes it back to us in record time, fills out the papers and sends us on our merry way.
When we arrive back at the docks, we have a few minutes, so we go strolling around the souvenir shops, and guess what I see outside a stand that sells newspapers and candy. About a hundred of the same model faberge egg we had just bought, in all the colors you can imagine, out in the open air for everyone to grab because they're so cheao. So I guess I was right. That first store was somewhat overprized.
The egg still made it onto my moms fireplace mantle though.
I suspect she enjoys telling guests the story of what an idiot her son is much more than she would have an expensive piece of glitter...Last edited by Misereor; 2021-04-27 at 05:09 AM.
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What is dead may never die, but rises again, harder, stronger, in a later edition.
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2021-04-27, 05:14 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Aug 2017
- Location
- France
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
You mean replicas of Fabergé eggs, right? Because there's only like six dozens of the buggers and getting one for a thousand bucks would be quite a steal.
Forum Wisdom
Mage avatar by smutmulch & linklele.
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2021-04-27, 07:35 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2009
- Location
- Birmingham, AL
- Gender
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2021-04-27, 12:52 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2016
Re: Tell A Joke!
Shops don't actually call the knockoffs replicas. I think it's one of those things where everyone just assumes that people who want to buy an original would know something about the subject?
It looked like one of these, except I think it must have been considerably cheaper, considering how the souvenir shop at the harbor displayed them.-
What is dead may never die, but rises again, harder, stronger, in a later edition.
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2021-04-27, 01:33 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2009
Re: Tell A Joke!
I was going to tell you a time travel joke, but you didn't find it funny.
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2021-04-27, 06:34 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2009
- Location
- Birmingham, AL
- Gender
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2021-04-28, 02:09 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Aug 2020
Re: Tell A Joke!
The question is about material the replica is made of because you can have pretty much exactly the same looking egs (as both of them are made based on original) but one can be made from metal, with a little bit of gold, glass etc and other just from plastic, which will be significantly cheaper : )"By Google's own reckoning, 60% of the ads that are charged for are never seen by any human being – literally the majority of the industry's product is a figment of feverish machine imaginations." Pluralistic
The bots are selling ads to bots which mostly bots are viewing, We really are living in XXI century.
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2021-04-28, 02:22 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2016
Re: Tell A Joke!
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What is dead may never die, but rises again, harder, stronger, in a later edition.
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2021-04-28, 02:50 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Aug 2017
- Location
- France
- Gender
Forum Wisdom
Mage avatar by smutmulch & linklele.