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Thread: Tell A Joke!

  1. - Top - End - #121
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    ElfRangerGuy

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    Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but catscan.
    And both can operate a PET scan.
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    Credit to Jill Bearup on YouTube.

    "Remember, it's not mad science unless there's a mad control group."

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    {{Scrubbed}}
    Last edited by Mark Hall; 2021-03-09 at 06:35 PM.
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  4. - Top - End - #124
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    3 countries, country A, B and C (feel free to replace in your head with whichever you wish) are doing a contest to see hwih as the better army and navy.
    They tested their guns and their tactics and now they are to the last trial. They want to which navy is better at naval rescues. To do so they agree ona simple contest. A small neutral boat is sent to drop a rabbit in the ocean somewhere random off the coast where they are doing their maneuver. The goal is to find and rescue the rabbit as quick as possible (and preferably, alive, of course).

    So the rabbit is dropped somewhere for the first time. it's the turn of Country A and their navy springs into action. They deploy ships. Fleets of corvettes and skifs and what have you... Five minutes pass. Ten minutes pass. Fifteen minutes. Twenty minutes..A silhouette appears at sea. A few minutes A boat commes to shore, a man proudly holding a wet and barely alive rabbit; but the rabbit nonetheless. The whole of the operation took twenty five minutes. Everyone gives a round of applause to the performance

    Then it is now country B's turn. Another rabbit is sent and dropped. They send a fleet of hightech rabbit detect and rescue drones (tm). Five minutes Ten minutes. Fift... a silhouette appears zipping in the air. It's one of the drones carrying back carrying in a, once again, wet and tired but still alive rabbit. Fifteen minutes total. An even better result. Once again, a round of applause.

    Finally comes the turn of country C. They deploy some very special state of the arm amphibious vehicles that can scour the ocean from the bottom.it's all very high tech. Five minutes. Ten minutes. Fifteen minutes. of dear it seems they won't beat country B. Twenty minutes. Twenty five. Not country A either, it seems. Thirty.... people are starting to exchange glances. Fourty. .. Hey there's something in the sk.. oh no it's jsut a seagull... Fifty minutes. An hour... Has something gone wrong ?
    .. Two hours. Oh dead, people are starting to talk and panic. Three hours. Four hours...Yet nothing What could have happened ?
    And then suddenly the water starts rippling alongside the shore. Something ... big is deforming the water.
    it's the amphibious jeeps. And they are pulling a MASSIVE blue whale behind them on shore. Everyone is releived but also confused. From the front vehicle, a sergeant gets out, he's tall, muscular and broad shouldered in a full uniform. He jumps on the shore, walks straight to the whale and kicks it. Then, the setting sun glistening on his shades, he stand proud, hands on his hips and shouts:
    "For the last time ! YOU WILL CONFESS YOU ARE A RABBIT !"
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  5. - Top - End - #125
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    Quote Originally Posted by Caerulea View Post
    - I thought about starting a new dating service in Prague. I was going to call it Czech mate!
    This just reminded me of, back when the term "Brexit" first hit the news, some jokes people were sharing ideas about what other hypothetical EU departures would be called. The only one I remember is "Czechout."

  6. - Top - End - #126
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    Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

  7. - Top - End - #127
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    A man gets a phone call that his wife has been hospitalized. He rushes to the hospital and is met by the doctor in the emergency room. The doctor tells him "I'm afraid it's the big C...It fell off the sign at CVS and hit your wife in the head"

  8. - Top - End - #128
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    My boss just asked,

    "Do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here."

    I replied, "Yeah, no problem. I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."

    He said, "Okay, when do you think you'll get here then?"

    I said, "Monday."
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  9. - Top - End - #129
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    ElfRangerGuy

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    My teacher pointed me with his ruler and said: at the end of this ruler there's an idiot." I got detention after asking which end.
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  10. - Top - End - #130
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    There once was a fellow from Crete,
    whose limericks were never complete.
    When told this was so,
    he'd say "Yes! I know:"
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  11. - Top - End - #131
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    Fake, but took a small bit of effort to manipulate with mspaint (it is family friendly)
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    There is no emotion more useless in life than hate.

  12. - Top - End - #132
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    Quote Originally Posted by farothel View Post
    My teacher pointed me with his ruler and said: at the end of this ruler there's an idiot." I got detention after asking which end.
    I would've given you extra credit.

  13. - Top - End - #133
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    Did you hear about the movie about a killer candy cane?

    The main arc doesn't start until near the end, but it has a few twists all along it.

    EDIT:

    There's a sequel about a stick of rock.

    The writing stays the same through it.
    Last edited by BisectedBrioche; 2021-04-04 at 08:18 PM.
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  14. - Top - End - #134
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    Inspired by a recent Texts From Superheroes.

    Everyone knows that Bruce Wayne, Batman, is rich, but does anyone know how rich?

    Bruce Wayne is so rich, that for easter he has the Robin hunt for Fabergé eggs and then when they're all found, he sells them and puts the money in whichever (adopted) son is robin right now's college fund.
    Last edited by Rater202; 2021-04-05 at 02:12 PM.
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  15. - Top - End - #135
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rater202 View Post
    fabrege eggs
    Fabergé eggs.
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    I'll take that bet.

  16. - Top - End - #136
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fyraltari View Post
    Fabergé eggs.
    Surely I have no idea what you're talking about.
    So a Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar and at the counter that's an elderly man in a kilt and now shirt and the man is painted bright orange. The orange man seems, honestly, a bit unwell so the priest goes up to him and says "are you alright, sir?" and the Orange man responds, "yeah, I'm fine. I was in town for a football game but my team lost and the rest of my group left without me so I'm just kind of stranded here until my taxi comes."

    Feeling compassion for the stranded orange man alone in the bar, the priest and his friend the rabbi both decide to sit at the bar with him and keep him company until the taxi comes for them and the three men are sipping their respective drinks and after a moment the orange man takes a cellphone out of a hidden pocket in his kilt and checks the time. "My taxi is two hours late and this bar closes in ten minutes. I don't know what I'm gonna do."

    The priest and the rabbi look at each other and silently agree. "Well, if your ride isn't here by last call," the Rabbi says, "I'll take you to your hometown in my car. It's a bit out of the way but I have nothing to do in the morning."

    The orange man thanks the rabbi and goes back to his drink. Five minutes into last call, the priest decides to crack a joke.

    "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

    The orange man finishes his beer and says "because he was suicidal. The street was a busy highway."

    The priest chuckles nervously, figuring that the orange man's taste in humor runs darker than his own, and moments later the bar starts closing down to the three men pay their tabs, get up, and head into the parking lot.

    The priest parked closer to the bar than the rabbi did, so he has a perfect view of the rabbi and the orange man stopping in the middle of the parking lot, the orange man and rabbi laughing about something... And a taxi speeding into the parking lot and hitting the orange man.
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    Way down the air
    To the floor
    Where my other
    Rocks
    Are.

  17. - Top - End - #137
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    OldWizardGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by Rater202 View Post
    Surely I have no idea what you're talking about.
    Fyraltari was correcting your spelling of Fabergé, and stop calling him Shirley.

  18. - Top - End - #138
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    Quote Originally Posted by DarthArminius View Post
    ::Corporate wants you to find the difference between this picture and this picture::
    ::First picture, is a flag of the Roman Republic::
    ::Second picture, is the flag of the United States of America::
    ::Pam:: "It's the same picture."
    Corporate wants you to find the difference between this thread and this thread.
    "It's the same thread."
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    Dictionary definitions never win debates, unless the topic up for debate is "what does the dictionary say about this"

  19. - Top - End - #139
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    Why is it impossible to pass anything in the Equine Congress?

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    Because horses lack the cognitive ability to understand the issues or the concept of voting.

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    I have a hipster friend into magma music.
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    It's rock music before it was cool.
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    I went to a bookstore and picked up a book on diagnosing kleptomania. It was quite a steal.
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  22. - Top - End - #142
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    A man who is a known thief manages to get job at a construction site. The security guards, so every day at quitting, he comes trundling along with a load of rubbish in his wheelbarrow, the main security guard checks for any valuable items, but he always finds nothing. This went on for some time until the job ends. Years later, the security guard was retired, and he ran into the thief. "OK, I know you were stealing something, but I'm retired, and it's probably past the statute of limitations anyway." The thief smiles and nods. "Oh, yeah, yeah, I was stealing something from the site." The security guard nods. "OK, we watched you like a hawk, only time you were out of site was to use the toilets, and we checked there too, just what were you stealing?"
    The thief shrugs and smiles.
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    "Wheelbarrows."
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  23. - Top - End - #143
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fyraltari View Post
    Fabergé eggs.
    Tangent true story.

    I got my mom a Baltic cruise for her 70th birthday, and had decided I was going to buy her a faberge egg as an extra present.
    You could get them in all the Baltic countries, but I was dead set on getting mine in St. Peterburg for that authentic feel, even though I was warned it would be more expensive. So we arrive in St. Petersburg, ride around on a tour bus and eventually come to a bunch of classical tourist trap stores, which sure enough have faberge eggs. I look around until I see the one I want at just under a thousand bucks (probably overprized), locked behind bars and armored glass. As the salesperson is packing the egg into a nice little box, he notices that he is missing some papers that go along with the egg. He is so nervous anout leaving us alone with the egg, that he goes sprinting through the shop, leaving the other customers staring in amazement and nearly overturning the walker of an elderly lady. He makes it back to us in record time, fills out the papers and sends us on our merry way.

    When we arrive back at the docks, we have a few minutes, so we go strolling around the souvenir shops, and guess what I see outside a stand that sells newspapers and candy. About a hundred of the same model faberge egg we had just bought, in all the colors you can imagine, out in the open air for everyone to grab because they're so cheao. So I guess I was right. That first store was somewhat overprized.

    The egg still made it onto my moms fireplace mantle though.
    I suspect she enjoys telling guests the story of what an idiot her son is much more than she would have an expensive piece of glitter...
    Last edited by Misereor; 2021-04-27 at 05:09 AM.
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  24. - Top - End - #144
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    You mean replicas of Fabergé eggs, right? Because there's only like six dozens of the buggers and getting one for a thousand bucks would be quite a steal.
    "Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced."
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    Quote Originally Posted by Peelee View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Fyraltari View Post
    the Vector Legion [is the IFCC's new pawns], mark my words. Way too much unfinished business there and they already know about the Gates.
    I'll take that bet.

  25. - Top - End - #145
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fyraltari View Post
    You mean replicas of Fabergé eggs, right? Because there's only like six dozens of the buggers and getting one for a thousand bucks would be quite a steal.
    That's why the salesman was so worried. Probably lost his job after that.
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    Seconded.

  26. - Top - End - #146
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fyraltari View Post
    You mean replicas of Fabergé eggs, right? Because there's only like six dozens of the buggers and getting one for a thousand bucks would be quite a steal.
    Shops don't actually call the knockoffs replicas. I think it's one of those things where everyone just assumes that people who want to buy an original would know something about the subject?
    It looked like one of these, except I think it must have been considerably cheaper, considering how the souvenir shop at the harbor displayed them.
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  27. - Top - End - #147
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    I was going to tell you a time travel joke, but you didn't find it funny.

  28. - Top - End - #148
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    Quote Originally Posted by JeenLeen View Post
    I was going to tell you a time travel joke, but you didn't find it funny.
    Oh I like that one.
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    Quote Originally Posted by pearl jam View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by hroþila View Post
    Peelee's genius status confirmed
    Seconded.

  29. - Top - End - #149
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    Kobold

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    Quote Originally Posted by Misereor View Post
    Tangent true story.

    I got my mom a Baltic cruise for her 70th birthday, and had decided I was going to buy her a faberge egg as an extra present.
    You could get them in all the Baltic countries, but I was dead set on getting mine in St. Peterburg for that authentic feel, even though I was warned it would be more expensive. So we arrive in St. Petersburg, ride around on a tour bus and eventually come to a bunch of classical tourist trap stores, which sure enough have faberge eggs. I look around until I see the one I want at just under a thousand bucks (probably overprized), locked behind bars and armored glass. As the salesperson is packing the egg into a nice little box, he notices that he is missing some papers that go along with the egg. He is so nervous anout leaving us alone with the egg, that he goes sprinting through the shop, leaving the other customers staring in amazement and nearly overturning the walker of an elderly lady. He makes it back to us in record time, fills out the papers and sends us on our merry way.

    When we arrive back at the docks, we have a few minutes, so we go strolling around the souvenir shops, and guess what I see outside a stand that sells newspapers and candy. About a hundred of the same model faberge egg we had just bought, in all the colors you can imagine, out in the open air for everyone to grab because they're so cheao. So I guess I was right. That first store was somewhat overprized.

    The egg still made it onto my moms fireplace mantle though.
    I suspect she enjoys telling guests the story of what an idiot her son is much more than she would have an expensive piece of glitter...

    The question is about material the replica is made of because you can have pretty much exactly the same looking egs (as both of them are made based on original) but one can be made from metal, with a little bit of gold, glass etc and other just from plastic, which will be significantly cheaper : )
    "By Google's own reckoning, 60% of the ads that are charged for are never seen by any human being – literally the majority of the industry's product is a figment of feverish machine imaginations." Pluralistic

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  30. - Top - End - #150
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    RedWizardGuy

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    Quote Originally Posted by asda fasda View Post
    The question is about material the replica is made of because you can have pretty much exactly the same looking egs (as both of them are made based on original) but one can be made from metal, with a little bit of gold, glass etc and other just from plastic, which will be significantly cheaper : )
    Wasn't trying to hijack the thread.
    Just a story about me spending money like a drunken sailor to make my mom happy, and ending up looking like a complete idiot. :)
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