Tell A Joke!

[BisectedBrioche]

Anechoic chambers. There are actually several, but one particular one is open to the public. Due to how we generally sense, according to reports it's not uncomfortable so much as generally disorienting (I believe most anechoic chambers are dark, due to lighting constraints to keep things in the negative decibel range). From what I've heard, anyone who wants to be in for more than a half hour is highly advised to sit or lie down, and the longest anyone has been in one at one location has been about an hour.

ETA: Also, some people with certain conditions actually find it peaceful, apparently.

With my ASD (and how prone I am to overstimulation), that sounds amazing. Then again, that has "be careful what you wish for" all over it.

Anyways, a joke:

A British trans man takes his HRT before running a game of D&D in the Winter.

That's GM's T!

[HalfTangible]

How did the bullet lose his job?

He got fired.

[Lord Vukodlak]

What's the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?

"Luke-warm"

[Gold Leaf]

What's a pirate's favourite element of the Periodic Table?
It's gold. What the crap would a pirate want with Argon?

[Lord Raziere]

Why did the clown name his taxi Yanutz?
cause he's driving it.

[BisectedBrioche]

Did you hear about the fried bread dough that was dreading a response to an email about its parents?

Doughnut fears the "RE: Pa"

[Caerulea]

Not so much a joke, but a limerick I enjoy:

There was a young lady named Bright.
Who could travel far faster than light.
She set off one day,
in a relative way,
and returned home the previous night.

Some other of my jokes:
- The first time I used an elevator, it was an uplifting experience! The second time let me down.

- You don't see people named Lance very often anymore, but in medieval times they were named Lance a lot.

- Justice is best served cold, because if it were served warm it would be Justwater.

- My friends staged an intervention for my drinking. It was a sobering experience.

- What should do if there's a demon in your code? Call an X0Rcist.

- I got hit on the head by a bookshelf, but I only have myshelf to blame.

[Grey Watcher]

What's a pirate's favourite element of the Periodic Table?
It's gold. What the crap would a pirate want with Argon?

What's a pirate's favorite letter? R? No, a pirate's only true love is the C!

[Peelee]

What's a pirate's favorite letter? R? No, a pirate's only true love is the C!

What's a pirates least favorite letter? A cease and desist.

[Sigako]

During the COVID years US made 3 vaccines: a raster, a vector, and a scalar ones.

***

- In Scandinavian mythology there's a ship called Naglfar, which is made from the nails of all the dead and will ferry the armies of the end of days. Ok, I have a question: what in the h*** the tooth fairy is building?
- The tower to bite the skies, apparently.

***

Once a scorpion approached a turtle and asked to ferry him across the river.
- But how do I know you won't sting me?
- Because I don't want to drown.
Turtle agreed that it's a good argument and put a scorpio on his back.
In the middle of the river scorpion suddenly stung the turtle, only for his sting to harmlessly bounce from the turtle's tough carapace.
The turtle heard that and chuckled:
- You see, we're all hostages of our own nature. Yours is to sting,

Spoiler: and mine is to...

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and mine is to dive.

[BisectedBrioche]

What's a pirate's favorite letter? R? No, a pirate's only true love is the C!

What's a pirates least favorite letter? A cease and desist.

But remember; P isn't their favourite, but without it they become irate!

[farothel]

If a cat loses its tail, where does it go?

Spoiler: answer

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The retail store.

[enderlord99]

This story does not involve any snakes.

Spoiler: especially ones named Nate

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The king of a small nation lived in a palace that was, in actuality, just a straw hut with an attic. Still, with the king living there, it was indeed a palace, as far as the citizens of that nation were concerned. The king would greet guests while sitting cross-legged on the floor.

Spoiler

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One day, the king grew tired of sitting on the floor; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a simple wooden stool. He sat upon the stool, and for a time, he was content.

Spoiler

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Eventually, however, the king grew tired of his simple wooden stool; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a new chair, this one made of copper, and padded with wool; and he put the simple wooden stool up in the attic; and he sat upon the wool-padded, copper chair; and for a time, he was content.

Spoiler

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Eventually, however, the king grew tired of his wool-padded, copper chair; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a new chair, this one made of silver, and padded with linen, and decorated with emeralds; and he put the wool-padded copper chair up in the attic; and he sat upon the emerald-decorated, linen-padded, silver chair; and for a time, he was content.

Spoiler

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Eventually, however, the king grew tired of his emerald-decorated, linen-padded, silver chair; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a new chair, this one made of gold, and padded with silk, and decorated with rubies, and now with the addition of reclining functionality; and he put the emerald-decorated, linen-padded, silver chair up in the attic; and he sat upon the reclining, ruby-decorated, silk-padded, golden chair; and for a time he was content.

Spoiler

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Eventually, however, the king grew tired of his reclining, ruby-decorated, silk-padded, golden chair; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a new chair, this one made of platinum, and padded with velvet, and decorated with amethysts, and still with reclining functionality, and now also equipped with cupholders; and he put the reclining, ruby-decorated, silk-padded, golden chair up in the attic; and he sat upon the cupholder-equipped, reclining, amethyst-decorated, velvet-padded, platinum chair; and for a time he was content.

Spoiler

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Eventually, however, the king grew tired of his cupholder-equipped, reclining, amethyst-decorated, velvet-padded, platinum chair; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a new chair, this one made of space-age alloy, and padded with memory-foam, and decorated with synthetic opal, and still with reclining functionality, and still with cupholders, and now with built-in heating elements for the winter; and he put his cupholder-equipped, reclining, amethyst-decorated, velvet-padded, platinum chair up in the attic; and the roof caved in.

Spoiler: This just goes to show

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People living in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

[HalfTangible]

{scrubbed}

[animorte]

Two guys walk into a bar.

The third one ducked.

[Misereor]

What do vegetarian zombies eat?

Graaaaaiiiiiinssss!

[Persolus]

This story does not involve any snakes.

Spoiler: especially ones named Nate

Show

The king of a small nation lived in a palace that was, in actuality, just a straw hut with an attic. Still, with the king living there, it was indeed a palace, as far as the citizens of that nation were concerned. The king would greet guests while sitting cross-legged on the floor.

I understand that reference

---

Well, Sherlock Holmes and Watson were camping, right? Y'know, out in the woods, set up the tent, make a campfire, roast some marshmallows, tell spooky stories, the whole deal.

So it's the middle of the night when all of a sudden Holmes is poking Watson awake.

"Watson, tell me wh- Watson, are you awake?"
incoherent mumbling
"Excellent, excellent. Now, Watson, tell me - what can you deduce from the night sky?"

Now, Watson was still very much not awake, so he thinks for a minute, and comes up with something that he thinks makes sense.

"Well, Holmes, there are more stars up there than we could ever count. Therefore, even if only a fraction have planets like our sun, there must be countless planets. Even if only a fraction of those planets are like our Earth, there must be countless earth-like planets! And if there are countless earth-like planets, then on at least some of them life must have formed. So, Holmes, I deduce we are not alone."

"Of course we're not alone, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"

[Dame_Mechanus]

A 911 operator is answering the phones and she gets a call from a cell phone. There's a man on the other end and he's panicking. "I'm hunting with my friend in the forest," he explains through short breaths. "Everything was going all right, and then he tripped and dropped his gun just right, and - and he shot himself in the chest! He's lying on the ground and I can't get him to talk with me!"

The operator is worried, of course, but she keeps herself calm. "It sounds like your friend might have punctured his lung," she says, as calmly as she can. "What does his breathing sound like?"

"I - I don't know! I don't think I could hear him breathing!"

"It's all right, sir," she replies. "Take a deep breath, close your eyes, then go over to your friend and make sure he isn't breathing."

"Okay," says the man on the other end. She hears him take a deep breath, then fumbling with his phone.

Then she jumps as she hears four gunshots very close to the phone.

"Okay," the man says a moment later. "He's definitely not breathing now."

[Sigako]

{scrubbed}

[sluggerbaloney]

Hydrogen atom walks into a bar and says "Help, I've lost an electron!" The bartender says "Are you sure?" and the atom replies "I'm positive!"

[Gold Leaf]

Did you hear about the man named Blod?

It was a Type-O. Positively embarassing for everyone involved.

[enderlord99]

A famous painting by René Magritte briefly went missing from the Los Angeles County museum of art. It was soon found... in bed with the curator's spouse, who is quoted as saying "It's not what it looks like!"

[Caerulea]

This fellow walks into a bar and notices three things of beef hanging from the rafters. Intrigued, they ask the bartender what they're there for.
"Oh those are for the bet," he says.
"The bet?" asks the man, "What's that?"
The bartender explains, "It's a tradition at this joint. If you can jump up and touch all three you drink free for the night, but if you fail you have to buy everyone a round. Want to give it a go?"
The man looks up again, and then shakes his head. " No I don't think it's a good idea," he answers. "The steaks are too high."

[northernbard80]

You know what the monkey said when he climbed down the giraffe's neck?

So long!!!

[theangelJean]

Courtesy of my 8yo:

Where would you buy a rude shirt?
The men's swear department.

What do you call twins on a casino roof?
Two-up.
(That one might be an Aussie thing.)

[Sigako]

Once a lion fell into a pitfall. A monkey saw that, sat on a branch directly above and started to mock and insult lion. After a while the branch snapped, and monkey fell right in front of lion.
- Hey, Leo! You wouldn't believe: I came down here to say sorry!

[Edreyn]

Two goblin brothers, tired from being treated as outcasts, decided to find a way to become humans.

So they come to a human city and ask, what should they do to be accepted as humans?

The city leader says: "See this tower over there? It's the highest building in the city. If you can manage climbing to it's roof, outside of course, you will become humans."

Goblins agree to this.

So they climb, and it's a very long way to climb and very difficult. Finally, the older brother reaches the roof and sits on the edge, trying to catch a breath.

And the younger goblin isn't that strong, he almost reaches the roof, already grabs the edge with one of his hands, but he can't make the one last push. And he feels that in a few moments he will fall.

He begs: "Bro, help me get up!".

"Die goblin scum!"

[Sigako]

He begs: "Bro, help me get up!".

"Die goblin scum!"

In the original version it was: "Who are you calling brother, goblin scum?"

[northernbard80]

What did the oven say to the biscuit?

Don't say I didn't warm you.

[Persolus]

Why did the medieval heretic undercook his meat?

He didn't want to burn at the steak.