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Thread: Tell A Joke!
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2022-04-25, 04:58 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2007
- Location
- Some rainly old island
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
Hi, I'm back, I guess. ^_^I cosplay and stream LPs of single player games on Twitch! Mon, Wed & Fri; currently playing: Nier: Replicant (Mon/Wed) and The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons (Thurs or Fri)
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2022-04-25, 03:14 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Aug 2010
- Location
- The Primus Imperium
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
How did the bullet lose his job?
He got fired.Hate me if you want. But that's your issue to fix, not mine.
Primal ego vos, estis ex nihilo.
When Gods Go To War comes out March 8th
Discord: HalfTangible
Extended Sig
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2022-04-26, 02:38 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2007
Re: Tell A Joke!
What's the internal temperature of a Tauntaun?
"Luke-warm"Nale is no more, he has ceased to be, his hit points have dropped to negative ten, all he was is now dust in the wind, he is not Daniel Jackson dead, he is not Kenny dead, he is final dead, he will not pass through death's revolving door, his fate will not be undone because the executives renewed his show for another season. His time had run out, his string of fate has been cut, the blood on the knife has been wiped. He is an Ex-Nale! Now can we please resume watching the Order save the world.
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2022-05-01, 07:19 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2022
- Location
- Duelist Kingdom
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
What's a pirate's favourite element of the Periodic Table?
It's gold. What the crap would a pirate want with Argon?We are FREE of
BEER! As in, we don't have any beer.
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2022-05-03, 04:56 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2010
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
Why did the clown name his taxi Yanutz?
cause he's driving it.
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2022-05-05, 07:01 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2007
- Location
- Some rainly old island
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
Did you hear about the fried bread dough that was dreading a response to an email about its parents?
Doughnut fears the "RE: Pa"Hi, I'm back, I guess. ^_^I cosplay and stream LPs of single player games on Twitch! Mon, Wed & Fri; currently playing: Nier: Replicant (Mon/Wed) and The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons (Thurs or Fri)
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2022-05-20, 12:42 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Aug 2018
- Location
- six feet under
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
Not so much a joke, but a limerick I enjoy:
There was a young lady named Bright.
Who could travel far faster than light.
She set off one day,
in a relative way,
and returned home the previous night.
Some other of my jokes:
- The first time I used an elevator, it was an uplifting experience! The second time let me down.
- You don't see people named Lance very often anymore, but in medieval times they were named Lance a lot.
- Justice is best served cold, because if it were served warm it would be Justwater.
- My friends staged an intervention for my drinking. It was a sobering experience.
- What should do if there's a demon in your code? Call an X0Rcist.
- I got hit on the head by a bookshelf, but I only have myshelf to blame.Last edited by Caerulea; 2022-05-20 at 12:42 AM.
Non caerulea sum, Caerulea nomen meum est.
Extended Signature.
I'm not not a humanoid. Come not not be one too.
Answer trivial questions in the OOTS trivia thread!
she/her
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2022-05-28, 10:14 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2004
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2022-05-28, 10:39 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2009
- Location
- Birmingham, AL
- Gender
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2022-06-20, 10:46 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2019
- Location
- Russia, Siberia
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
During the COVID years US made 3 vaccines: a raster, a vector, and a scalar ones.
***
- In Scandinavian mythology there's a ship called Naglfar, which is made from the nails of all the dead and will ferry the armies of the end of days. Ok, I have a question: what in the h*** the tooth fairy is building?
- The tower to bite the skies, apparently.
***
Once a scorpion approached a turtle and asked to ferry him across the river.
- But how do I know you won't sting me?
- Because I don't want to drown.
Turtle agreed that it's a good argument and put a scorpio on his back.
In the middle of the river scorpion suddenly stung the turtle, only for his sting to harmlessly bounce from the turtle's tough carapace.
The turtle heard that and chuckled:
- You see, we're all hostages of our own nature. Yours is to sting,Spoiler: and mine is to...and mine is to dive.Last edited by Sigako; 2022-06-20 at 10:54 PM.
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2022-06-23, 05:35 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2007
- Location
- Some rainly old island
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
Hi, I'm back, I guess. ^_^I cosplay and stream LPs of single player games on Twitch! Mon, Wed & Fri; currently playing: Nier: Replicant (Mon/Wed) and The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons (Thurs or Fri)
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2022-07-01, 06:17 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2018
- Location
- Belgium
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
If a cat loses its tail, where does it go?
Spoiler: answer
The retail store.
Clacks-Overhead: GNU Terry Pratchett
"Magic can turn a frog into a prince. Science can turn a frog into a Ph.D. and you still have the frog you started with." Terry Pratchett
"I will not yield to evil, unless she's cute."
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2022-07-02, 03:45 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2011
Re: Tell A Joke!
This story does not involve any snakes.
Spoiler: especially ones named NateThe king of a small nation lived in a palace that was, in actuality, just a straw hut with an attic. Still, with the king living there, it was indeed a palace, as far as the citizens of that nation were concerned. The king would greet guests while sitting cross-legged on the floor.
SpoilerOne day, the king grew tired of sitting on the floor; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a simple wooden stool. He sat upon the stool, and for a time, he was content.
SpoilerEventually, however, the king grew tired of his simple wooden stool; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a new chair, this one made of copper, and padded with wool; and he put the simple wooden stool up in the attic; and he sat upon the wool-padded, copper chair; and for a time, he was content.
SpoilerEventually, however, the king grew tired of his wool-padded, copper chair; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a new chair, this one made of silver, and padded with linen, and decorated with emeralds; and he put the wool-padded copper chair up in the attic; and he sat upon the emerald-decorated, linen-padded, silver chair; and for a time, he was content.
SpoilerEventually, however, the king grew tired of his emerald-decorated, linen-padded, silver chair; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a new chair, this one made of gold, and padded with silk, and decorated with rubies, and now with the addition of reclining functionality; and he put the emerald-decorated, linen-padded, silver chair up in the attic; and he sat upon the reclining, ruby-decorated, silk-padded, golden chair; and for a time he was content.
SpoilerEventually, however, the king grew tired of his reclining, ruby-decorated, silk-padded, golden chair; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a new chair, this one made of platinum, and padded with velvet, and decorated with amethysts, and still with reclining functionality, and now also equipped with cupholders; and he put the reclining, ruby-decorated, silk-padded, golden chair up in the attic; and he sat upon the cupholder-equipped, reclining, amethyst-decorated, velvet-padded, platinum chair; and for a time he was content.
SpoilerEventually, however, the king grew tired of his cupholder-equipped, reclining, amethyst-decorated, velvet-padded, platinum chair; and he ordered his servants to construct for him a new chair, this one made of space-age alloy, and padded with memory-foam, and decorated with synthetic opal, and still with reclining functionality, and still with cupholders, and now with built-in heating elements for the winter; and he put his cupholder-equipped, reclining, amethyst-decorated, velvet-padded, platinum chair up in the attic; and the roof caved in.
Spoiler: This just goes to showPeople living in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.Last edited by enderlord99; 2022-07-02 at 03:47 AM.
I use braces (also known as "curly brackets") to indicate sarcasm. If there are none present, I probably believe what I am saying; should it turn out to be inaccurate trivia, please tell me rather than trying to play along with an apparent joke I don't know I'm making.
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2022-07-02, 02:41 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Aug 2010
- Location
- The Primus Imperium
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
{scrubbed}
Last edited by Peelee; 2022-07-02 at 03:11 PM.
Hate me if you want. But that's your issue to fix, not mine.
Primal ego vos, estis ex nihilo.
When Gods Go To War comes out March 8th
Discord: HalfTangible
Extended Sig
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2022-07-03, 12:21 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2022
- Location
- GitP, obviously
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
Two guys walk into a bar.
The third one ducked.Something Borrowed - Submission Thread (5e subclass contest)
TeamWork Makes the Dream Work 5e Base Class Submission Thread
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2022-07-05, 01:16 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2016
Re: Tell A Joke!
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Graaaaaiiiiiinssss!-
What is dead may never die, but rises again, harder, stronger, in a later edition.
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2022-07-05, 10:50 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2021
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
I understand that reference
Well, Sherlock Holmes and Watson were camping, right? Y'know, out in the woods, set up the tent, make a campfire, roast some marshmallows, tell spooky stories, the whole deal.
So it's the middle of the night when all of a sudden Holmes is poking Watson awake.
"Watson, tell me wh- Watson, are you awake?"
incoherent mumbling
"Excellent, excellent. Now, Watson, tell me - what can you deduce from the night sky?"
Now, Watson was still very much not awake, so he thinks for a minute, and comes up with something that he thinks makes sense.
"Well, Holmes, there are more stars up there than we could ever count. Therefore, even if only a fraction have planets like our sun, there must be countless planets. Even if only a fraction of those planets are like our Earth, there must be countless earth-like planets! And if there are countless earth-like planets, then on at least some of them life must have formed. So, Holmes, I deduce we are not alone."
"Of course we're not alone, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"Last edited by Persolus; 2022-07-05 at 10:59 PM. Reason: edited because quote was rendered incorrectly
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2022-07-09, 03:10 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2022
- Location
- Misery (h/t XTC)
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
A 911 operator is answering the phones and she gets a call from a cell phone. There's a man on the other end and he's panicking. "I'm hunting with my friend in the forest," he explains through short breaths. "Everything was going all right, and then he tripped and dropped his gun just right, and - and he shot himself in the chest! He's lying on the ground and I can't get him to talk with me!"
The operator is worried, of course, but she keeps herself calm. "It sounds like your friend might have punctured his lung," she says, as calmly as she can. "What does his breathing sound like?"
"I - I don't know! I don't think I could hear him breathing!"
"It's all right, sir," she replies. "Take a deep breath, close your eyes, then go over to your friend and make sure he isn't breathing."
"Okay," says the man on the other end. She hears him take a deep breath, then fumbling with his phone.
Then she jumps as she hears four gunshots very close to the phone.
"Okay," the man says a moment later. "He's definitely not breathing now.""But it always seemed weird to me to get mad about things going wrong, as if everything turning out OK was promised to anyone, ever. There wouldn't need to be paladins if the world was, like, fair." -Lien
I get to be a favorite today!
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2022-07-25, 07:08 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2019
- Location
- Russia, Siberia
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
{scrubbed}
Last edited by Peelee; 2022-07-25 at 11:38 AM.
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2022-07-25, 07:47 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2022
Re: Tell A Joke!
Hydrogen atom walks into a bar and says "Help, I've lost an electron!" The bartender says "Are you sure?" and the atom replies "I'm positive!"
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2022-07-25, 05:21 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Apr 2022
- Location
- Duelist Kingdom
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
Did you hear about the man named Blod?
It was a Type-O. Positively embarassing for everyone involved.We are FREE of
BEER! As in, we don't have any beer.
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2022-08-13, 01:04 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2011
Re: Tell A Joke!
A famous painting by René Magritte briefly went missing from the Los Angeles County museum of art. It was soon found... in bed with the curator's spouse, who is quoted as saying "It's not what it looks like!"
Last edited by enderlord99; 2022-08-13 at 01:05 AM.
I use braces (also known as "curly brackets") to indicate sarcasm. If there are none present, I probably believe what I am saying; should it turn out to be inaccurate trivia, please tell me rather than trying to play along with an apparent joke I don't know I'm making.
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2022-08-18, 03:08 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Aug 2018
- Location
- six feet under
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
This fellow walks into a bar and notices three things of beef hanging from the rafters. Intrigued, they ask the bartender what they're there for.
"Oh those are for the bet," he says.
"The bet?" asks the man, "What's that?"
The bartender explains, "It's a tradition at this joint. If you can jump up and touch all three you drink free for the night, but if you fail you have to buy everyone a round. Want to give it a go?"
The man looks up again, and then shakes his head. " No I don't think it's a good idea," he answers. "The steaks are too high."Non caerulea sum, Caerulea nomen meum est.
Extended Signature.
I'm not not a humanoid. Come not not be one too.
Answer trivial questions in the OOTS trivia thread!
she/her
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2022-09-25, 07:50 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2022
- Location
- The Deep North
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
You know what the monkey said when he climbed down the giraffe's neck?
So long!!!
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2022-09-26, 02:17 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Nov 2005
- Location
- Sydney, Australia
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
Courtesy of my 8yo:
Where would you buy a rude shirt?
The men's swear department.
What do you call twins on a casino roof?
Two-up.
(That one might be an Aussie thing.)I'm pretty much the opposite of concise. If I fail to get to the point, please ask me and I'm happy to (attempt to) clarify.
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2022-09-26, 02:41 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2019
- Location
- Russia, Siberia
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
Once a lion fell into a pitfall. A monkey saw that, sat on a branch directly above and started to mock and insult lion. After a while the branch snapped, and monkey fell right in front of lion.
- Hey, Leo! You wouldn't believe: I came down here to say sorry!
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2022-09-29, 01:08 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jan 2019
- Location
- Israel
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
Two goblin brothers, tired from being treated as outcasts, decided to find a way to become humans.
So they come to a human city and ask, what should they do to be accepted as humans?
The city leader says: "See this tower over there? It's the highest building in the city. If you can manage climbing to it's roof, outside of course, you will become humans."
Goblins agree to this.
So they climb, and it's a very long way to climb and very difficult. Finally, the older brother reaches the roof and sits on the edge, trying to catch a breath.
And the younger goblin isn't that strong, he almost reaches the roof, already grabs the edge with one of his hands, but he can't make the one last push. And he feels that in a few moments he will fall.
He begs: "Bro, help me get up!".
"Die goblin scum!"Last edited by Edreyn; 2022-09-29 at 01:08 AM.
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2022-09-29, 05:43 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2019
- Location
- Russia, Siberia
- Gender
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2022-10-03, 11:54 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2022
- Location
- The Deep North
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
What did the oven say to the biscuit?
Don't say I didn't warm you.
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2022-10-04, 12:31 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2021
- Gender
Re: Tell A Joke!
Why did the medieval heretic undercook his meat?
He didn't want to burn at the steak.