The "Rolled a 1" Game III - I Don't Want to Set This Thread on Fire

[Rogan]

I roll to write a New Year's Carol that can be sung after Christmas.

It's as annoying as last Christmas and everybody hates you for this invention.

I roll to cut the power of the radio stations playing last new year.

[Dire Moose]

You try to cut the power by gnawing through the electrical lines with your teeth. Naturally this results in a very shocking fate.

I roll to clean up the smoldering dead body.

[Velaryon]

You spread bits of smoldering corpse all over the room.

I roll to put out the still-smoldering bits before the room catches fire.

[Rogan]

I roll to put out the still-smoldering bits before the room catches fire.

You spread the things to other threads. The whole forum is on fire now.

I roll to call the firefighters.

[Velaryon]

You accidentally call the waterfighters. They arrive and throw large sacks of sodium polyacrylate into all nearby water supplies, soaking up most of the water. They do nothing about the fire.

I roll to fetch some water that the waterfighters haven't gotten rid of yet.

[bug_sniper]

You open a portal to hell and summon a hellfire demon bent on incinerating all life on earth.

I roll to summon Aqua, the water goddess from Konosuba to deal with this demon.

[Rogan]

You open a portal to hell and summon a hellfire demon bent on incinerating all life on earth.

I roll to summon Aqua, the water goddess from Konosuba to deal with this demon.

The goddess is very offended she was summoned into a world which treats water so bad. She attacks you before leaving again, ignoring the demon.

I roll to take cover from all the fighting.

[Dire Moose]

You take cover behind a rock which is really a cleverly-disguised Mimic. It bites your head off.

I roll to steal TPBM’s wallet.

[Smoutwortel]

You take cover behind a rock which is really a cleverly-disguised Mimic. It bites your head off.

I roll to steal TPBM’s wallet.

The mimic is still there and bites your head of too.

I roll to negotiate with the demon.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

Which demon? There are more of them now.

I roll to move a giant ball of floating mercury.

[Smoutwortel]

Which demon? There are more of them now.

I roll to move a giant ball of floating mercury.

By trying to move it you remind it gravity exists and demands it comes down, so like a toon it crashes down by this realization and you get poisoned and crushed to death just like twelve people standing around you.

I try to flee to the plane of water.

[Rogan]

I try to flee to the plane of water.

I roll to remind you that you need to roll in order to try

[Smoutwortel]

I roll to remind you that you need to roll in order to try

I interpert it as a suggestion to take you with me and try that risky spell I learned from a shady guy back when I was just a minor wizard that should teleport me through the far realms to any location in the universe.

I try to flee with this non-tested ritual toward another planet where I could survive the environment..

[oogaboogagoblin]

you land in a similar plane, but gloopier. welcome to the quasi-elemental plane of ranch dressing

i roll to find something to dip in all the ranch

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

There was a bag of chips next to you that you didn't need to roll to find, but in your haste you take a bite of the first chip and greedily dip it again. Aghast, the local elementals summon a hazmat team and quickly imprison you for the crime of double-dipping.

I roll to look up a creature with the air subtype that I can summon for a flight home.

[Velaryon]

For some reason you used Siri to conduct your search, and ended up summoning a creature of the Heir subtype. The neighboring kingdom doesn't take kindly to you riding around on their crown prince, and they send a whole group of knights after you.

I roll to distract the knights so Dr. Gunsforhands can escape.

[Rogan]

I roll to distract the knights so Dr. Gunsforhands can escape.

The knights trample you without slowing down.

I roll to look for a d20.

[ziproot]

You instead find the quasi-elemental plane of ranch dressing where somehow one person turned into four.

I roll to figure out how the other three people got there.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

You think it's safe to assume that we're all natives of this plane and that we've all somehow been given false memories, yourself included. (You also failed to notice that there are six of us now, but you were already RPing that part. )

I roll to research the Dismissal spell.

[Smoutwortel]

You think it's safe to assume that we're all natives of this plane and that we've all somehow been given false memories, yourself included. (You also failed to notice that there are six of us now, but you were already RPing that part. )

I roll to research the Dismissal spell.

On your first try you get teleported to the non-elemental plane of dismissal. The first thing you hear is: "we don't have to worry about Dr.Gunsforhands he's waay to dumb to ever learn the spell."

I try to find Dr.Gunsforhands.

[Rogan]

I try to find Dr.Gunsforhands.

You find some guns instead. They explode when used.

I roll to take cover.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

Literally, since that's what they do in video games. Alas, it does not conjure cover from the ether, but merely draws more attention to you.

I roll to aim and fire at my target!

[oogaboogagoblin]

the gun explodes, destroying both your hands in the process

i roll to stop the bleeding

[Rogan]

i roll to stop the bleeding

Can't bleed if there is no blood left, right?

I roll to find a cleric capable of casting raise dead.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

Create Greater Undead!

I roll to stake a vampire in the heart.

[oogaboogagoblin]

you throw a medium rare stake at the vampire, seasoning it lightly with the juices from the meat

i roll to burn the vampire alive

[bug_sniper]

The vampire loses much of its enthalpy. You basically did the exact opposite of what you intended to do.

I roll to bury the frozen vampire in the snow somewhere.

[Rogan]

I roll to bury the frozen vampire in the snow somewhere.

You take a loooooong time to dig a hole. While you are busy, the Vampire recovers and uses you as a snack. But hey, on the bright side, he puts your dead body to rest in the hole you were digging, so you will rise again in 3 days.

I roll to sprinkle some garlic and holy water on the snowy grave.

[Dire Moose]

You accidentally break a bottle of unholy demon water while rummaging around in your bag for said anti-vampire gear. You get a nasty cut on your hand from the glass as the bottle spills all over the grave, causing it to be covered in unholy water and human blood. Bug_sniper rises again as a half-fiend vampire instead.

I draw my sword and roll to Smite Evil on the abomination.

[Rogan]

...Bug_sniper rises again as a half-fiend vampire instead.

I draw my sword and roll to Smite Evil on the abomination.

You accidentally forge an armor for Bug_sniper in your smithy. Must have confused Smite and Smith.

I roll to make a funny comment.