The "Rolled a 1" Game III - I Don't Want to Set This Thread on Fire

[+5 Vorpal Bunny]

As before, from the original thread:

“There will be a posted skill check for a specific action each player will be taking, and the poster below you has to post a result from rolling a 1, or crit-failing, that took effect from their skill check. After that, the poster then posts a new skill check scenario.

For example, lets say the poster above you said that there is a skill check they are making to push an orc off a bridge. The poster below them would say that they rolled a 1, and instead they lightly caressed his back.”

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+5 Vorpal Bunny successfully creates a new thread. However, he accidentally sets it on fire.

I roll to put out the fire!

[Dire Moose]

Fire is technically an oxidation reaction and so you basically need electronegative molecules. So with hot chlorine, you can make fires that are really nasty to put out because they produce hydrochloric acid vapors that burn through the insulated suits.

Anyways, as for your roll, you devise an icepack that doesn't need any water. It's basically a frozen pillow.

I roll a spot check to find an icepack in the freezer.

You aren’t even looking in your freezer, so you actually pull a live badger out of its burrow and put it right up to your face. It starts clawing and biting you.

I roll to remove the badger.

[+5 Vorpal Bunny]

I remove the badger... who is also on fire!

I roll to cook the badger for dinner.

[Ironsmith]

You start by marinating yourself in gasoli- waaaaaaait a minute.

I roll to tackle this guy before he immolates himself.

[+5 Vorpal Bunny]

Your impact ignites me and we both go up in flames! Yuuum, cannibal's barbeque!

I roll in the snow to put us both out!

[Dire Moose]

You wake up the Abominable Snowman and he eats you.

I roll to slay the Abominable Snowman with my +1 Sword of Stabbing.

[The Outsider]

You mix up your +1 Sword of Stabbing with your +1 Quill of Witty Insults. You end up hurting the Abominable Snowman's feelings instead of his vitals, and he retaliates by eating you as well.

I roll to cut the Snowman open with my trusty dagger and save these two.

[bug_sniper]

In your pocket, you had a candy cane instead of a dagger. It's not very effective in melee, even if you sharpen it with your tongue.

I roll to build a candy factory.

[Book Wombat]

You somehow create an anti-candy army which seeks out all confectionary creations and destroys them in a volcano.

I roll to save as many sweets as possible.

[Ironsmith]

They should be nice and safe in this volcano.

I roll to make more sweets.

[The Outsider]

You end up with a prosperous vegetable garden instead.

I roll to grow a spaghetti tree.

[+5 Vorpal Bunny]

You attract a cult dedicated to the Flying Spaghetti Monster who wants to use your spaghetti tree to awaken the Old Ones.

I roll to stop their eldritch ritual.

[Velaryon]

You somehow end up as the cult's high priest, and the ensuing ritual awakens a Great Old One with you as the host body.

I roll to escape the cosmic horror that has possessed +5 Vorpal Bunny.

[Ironsmith]

*chomp*

I roll ro avoid being similarly eaten.

[The Outsider]

Technically, you succeed- you run into a completely different mouth, thus getting eaten in a different way. Still devoured, though.

I roll to join the previous two in getting eaten by the eldritch horror.

[bug_sniper]

The eldritch horror tosses you out of the pit of live animal offerings and eats the other animals whole. It won't oblige your suicidal desires.

I roll a will save to keep my sanity intact through this Lovecraftian episode.

[Korith]

All of your perceived reality collapses into a single point, an immutable, undeniable truth that you can't help but live out for the rest of your crazed days - the inescapable axiom that there's nothing yummier than a peanut butter and toenail sandwich.

I roll Astrogation to chart a hyperspace course for my X-Wing that takes us away from this madness

[+5 Vorpal Bunny]

You navigate us right into Abeloth's maw instead! Yeah, out of the frying pan and into the fire...

I roll to activate the Gellar Field before jumping into the Warp.

[Dire Moose]

Due to a sudden tachyon surge in the warp nacelles, the phase inducers completely depolarize and cause a subspace inversion within the warp field, which collapses and causes a chain reaction in the plasma conduits leading to a warp core breach.

I roll to beam the crew off the starship before it explodes.

[The Outsider]

You beam the entire crew directly into the center of a large asteroid hurtling through deep space. I'm not sure if they freeze, suffocate, or get shredded at a molecular level, but I do know it isn't pretty.

I roll to go back in time and use my sonic screwdriver to lower the ambient tachyon levels of the warp nacelles, reversing the polarity and fixing this whole mess before it could even happen.

[Book Wombat]

You fail at the first step and time travel to the future instead, during that time your space coordinates got mixed up and you appear in deep space.

I roll to rescue The Outsider from this predicament.

[+5 Vorpal Bunny]

I appear in a DeLorean and bring us back to the past. Judging by those giant feathered reptiles though, I may have sent us a bit far back...
And what is that meteor doing over there?

I roll to adjust the time travel coordinates to just before this whole Lovecraftian craziness went down.

[Dire Moose]

You travel to the beginning of time itself and are immediately vaporized by the shockwave of the Big Bang.

I roll to put the shattered pieces of the time-space continuum back together.

[+5 Vorpal Bunny]

It's totally patchwork with tons of wormholes and different points in time and space overlapping each other and just in general wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff.

I roll to regenerate into a ginger.

[The Outsider]

You instead regenerate into a mass of ginger root. Tasty!

I roll to start a flame in someone's heart.

[+5 Vorpal Bunny]

They get a really, really bad case of heartburn.

I roll to build a phaser-blaster-bolter-sonic screwdriver supergun!

[Korith]

It explodes while you're taking your lunch break. It's not even a spectacular explosion...just more of a piff. But it leaves you with a metal pipe you can bang things with.

I roll to tell the funniest joke ever heard.

[Ironsmith]

HERE LIES COMEDY
DIED 2021
THANKS A LOT, KORITH


I roll to rebuild comedy.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

I don't get it.

I roll to haggle over the price of a bauble.

[The Outsider]

You scream incoherently at the bauble vendor for a while, before throwing all your money at them and running away. Without the bauble.

I roll to console the confused and traumatized bauble vendor.