The "Rolled a 1" Game III - I Don't Want to Set This Thread on Fire

[Gold Leaf]

The vampire is the only one who finds your comment funny. He immediately sucks your blood, believing that if he does so he will gain your alleged wit. He doesn't know a lot about being a vampire, you see.

I roll to go home.

[bug_sniper]

You go to the middle of nowhere. In fact, you find the geometric center of the territory of nowhere.

I roll to function like a vampire since I am one.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

I was going to say you didn't have to roll for that, but I guess I can rule that as a vampire that was a roll to let you function at all. With that roll, you have the options to stake yourself for science or to walk into the sunshine and never look back.

I roll to snipe a bug.

[Gold Leaf]

I was going to say you didn't have to roll for that, but I guess I can rule that as a vampire that was a roll to let you function at all. With that roll, you have the options to stake yourself for science or to walk into the sunshine and never look back.

I roll to snipe a bug.

Your sniper rifle backfires and explodes in your face.

I roll to destroy the roof above bug_sniper, exposing them to sunlight.

[bug_sniper]

You are cursed in that every explosive you come into contact with becomes a dud and cranes and wrecking balls fall apart when you drive them.

I roll to concoct a sunscreen that can protect vampires from sunlight.

[Rogan]

I roll to concoct a sunscreen that can protect vampires from sunlight.

The screen amplifiers the sunlight instead, speeding up to destruction of vampires.

I roll to hook the sunscreen up to a solar panel.

[bug_sniper]

You squeeze the bottle too hard and all of it squirts on a passerby, who quickly gets a slight tan on his face.

I roll to market the substance as a tanning aid for sunbathers.

[bug_sniper]

It seems that my business idea is a flop seeing how it's not getting any attention.

With that said, I roll to declare bankruptcy.

[Rogan]

With that said, I roll to declare bankruptcy.

You accidentally declare an income of ten million dollars instead. Now you are under investigation for fraud.

I roll to stay alive in a mafia game till day 2.

[Snowblaze]

You're a D1 wagon. The counterwagon is me. Rest in peace.

I roll to keep Rogan alive.

[Rogan]

I roll to keep Rogan alive.

You think you're a baner, but in fact you are a vig. But thanks for trying.

I roll to pick some nice pics.

[Dire Moose]

You pick out a bunch of extremely NSFW pictures of yourself doing really NSFW things and send them all to your boss.

I roll to keep Rogan from getting fired.

[Gold Leaf]

You get fired as well because your boss can't believe anybody would defend Rogan after those pics he sent.

I roll to roll a 2.

[Rogan]

I roll to roll a 2.

You roll a 1 twice.

I roll to count the number of 1s in this thread.

[Lysbeth]

I roll to count the number of 1s in this thread.

You copy each one in an empty reply to make sure you don't miss any, and never stop counting. Plus, you miscounted the seventh one and didn't know it.

I roll to make coconut cookies.

[bug_sniper]

You make lumps of flour covered with hot egg yolk.

I roll to bore a tunnel through a mountain

[Rogan]

I roll to bore a tunnel through a mountain

You get bored after 5 minutes and do something else.

I roll to motivate bug_sniper to continue his tunnel boring attempt.

[Persolus]

Bug_sniper wasn't expecting that - fortunately the drill only slightly bores you through before you can jump back.

I roll to try and be less boring.

[enq]

The fact that it took four days before anyone could summon up the energy to reply to that should speak for itself.

I roll to strum Wonderwall.

[animorte]

You play “Mary had a Little Lamb” instead, the one everybody learned in 5th grade. (Yeah, I thought one of the strings was going to break too!)

I roll to stop and smell the flowers.

[Persolus]

From Wikipedia:

Amorphophallus titanum, the titan arum, is a flowering plant in the family Araceae. It has the largest unbranched inflorescence in the world. The inflorescence of the talipot palm, Corypha umbraculifera, is larger, but it is branched rather than unbranched. A. titanum is endemic to rainforests on the Indonesian island of Sumatra.

Due to its odor, like that of a rotting corpse, the titan arum is characterized as a carrion flower, and is also known as the corpse flower or corpse plant (Indonesian: bunga bangkai—bunga means flower, while bangkai can be translated as corpse, cadaver, or carrion).

I roll to plug my nose so I don't have to smell it as well.

===

The fact that it took four days before anyone could summon up the energy to reply to that should speak for itself.

...can I just say... ouch. that was brutal!

[Rogan]

I roll to plug my nose so I don't have to smell it as well.

Better use some liquid cement, so it won't accidentally get off again.

I roll to calculate the average of an rolls in this thread.

[Lysbeth]

I roll to calculate the average of an rolls in this thread.

You divide by zero and your calculator explodes.

I roll to go buy another calculator for Rogan

[Persolus]

You realise you were about to order two on NotAmazon^TM, so you click the button to reduce the quantity.
Unfortunately, you pressed it three times, and the integer wrapped around to the largest value.
You now have to pay for 2,147,483,647 calculators.

I roll to try and submit an error report to NotAmazon^TM to prevent this bug from effecting anyone else.

[animorte]

NotAmazon^TM now has a link to every website each of us ever visits and earns 1 penny to each person that visits, opens, or refreshes a page. But we never have to pay for anything else online ever again.

I roll to avoid the authorities for wishing in another thread to be the owner of the now supremely successful and rich NotAmazon^TM.

[Rogan]

I roll to avoid the authorities for wishing in another thread to be the owner of the now supremely successful and rich NotAmazon^TM.

They have no idea about your wish, so avoiding this is easy. The 200 speeding tickets and 7 cases of manslaughter however...

I roll to set up a legal defense for Animorte.

[enq]

They will be defended by Phil Rodriguez.

I roll to eat a filled taco shell without it breaking.

[Persolus]

Miraculously, when you drop it and the fillings spill everywhere, the shell is still perfectly intact.

I roll to properly fold up a burrito so I don't have to worry about my fillings falling out.

[Rogan]

I roll to properly fold up a burrito so I don't have to worry about my fillings falling out.

You forget to insert any fillings at all. On the bright side, this will guarantee that nothing can fall out of your... masterpiece

I roll to sleep for half an hour.

[enq]

You do indeed roll. More specifically, you roll out of your bed just as you fall asleep.

I roll to not be crowned the emperor of this forum. Ok, that leaves little room for imagination in the answer, so: I roll to become penniless.