The "Rolled a 1" Game III - I Don't Want to Set This Thread on Fire

[bug_sniper]

The DM and other players decide to use duct tape to tape you to your chair during the current game to keep you from rolling all over the place and making a mess of all the bookshelves and furniture.

I roll to roll a 1 or higher.

[Rogan]

I roll to roll a 1 or higher.

Turns out, this marble has no numbers at all. But it rolls very well!

I roll to derail the game.

[DisavowedPaladi]

Turns out, this marble has no numbers at all. But it rolls very well!

I roll to derail the game.

You've somehow introduced transcontinental train based travel into the game.

I roll to look for trouble.

[Dire Moose]

You don’t find it. Because you are in Soviet Russia. And in Soviet Russia, trouble finds YOU!

You wake up in a Siberian prison camp.

I make a Perform (simultaneous interpretive dance / slam poetry) check.

[bug_sniper]

You simultaneously trip over your own feet and choke on your own saliva.

I roll a plumbing check to fix the pipes.

[Rogan]

I roll a plumbing check to fix the pipes.

Okay, roll swim to prevent drowning.

I roll an air another check to support bug sniper.

[bug_sniper]

Oh great. Now my plumbing mistakes are broadcast on the air for everyone to see. Now I'll never get another plumbing job.

I roll a will save to hold back my rage against Rogan.

[Rogan]

Oh great. Now my plumbing mistakes are broadcast on the air for everyone to see. Now I'll never get another plumbing job.

I roll a will save to hold back my rage against Rogan.

You attack me, while still on air. I don't think any lawyer can help you now...

I roll to chuck my spelling.

Spoiler

Show

This time, the typo was deliberate

[Dire Moose]

You chuck your language textbook out the window, where it lands on and kills someone’s puppy.

I roll to explain to the jury that my client Rogan was innocent.

[bug_sniper]

You convince the jury that my attack on Rogan's person was merely done in defense of animals and that I was just being a good Samaritan. I go free and Rogan is now in legal jeopardy.

I roll to build a new identity for myself, complete with plastic surgery and a new plumber's license.

[bug_sniper]

It seems I've killed this thread.

I roll to place cemetery flowers at the funeral for this thread.

[Dire Moose]

You accidentally reanimate the thread’s corpse.

I roll to stop the inevitable zombie apocalypse.

[Samba Mentality]

You inadvertently resurrect a forum user who has been AFK for 3 years who begins making posts on these dumb threads again

I roll to get into Dartmouth

[Rogan]

I roll to get into Dartmouth

You end up in the mouth of a black dragon. It's very dark in there.

I roll to hit the dragon.

[politesociety]

The Dragon hits you, knocking you off balance.

I roll to inform the Dragon, we live in a polite society, where hitting people isn't ok.

[Dire Moose]

“Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.”

I, the dragon, roll to make a politesociety casserole.

[bug_sniper]

You cough and your breath disintegrates the ingredients, the casserole dish, the oven, the wall behind it, the fence, and then the neighbor's house.

I roll to smith a new oven.

[BaconTomato]

You craft what appears to be a fridge. It doesn't actually functio as a fridge, but it most certainly isn't an oven.

I roll to make a sandwich.

[Dire Moose]

You make the sandwich seen in this comic and think it looks delicious.

I roll to stop BaconTomato from making the dumbest decision ever.

[Killerkat]

He eats the poisoned sandwich while trying to pass it on to you. Too bad he doesn't have the +2 resistance vs. poison...

I roll to cure the poison.

[bug_sniper]

Instead of the activated charcoal you should have used, you force briquettes of barbeque charcoal down his throat. He is now poisoned and choking.

I roll to act like an innocent bystander.

[Dire Moose]

You grin wickedly while laughing the most evil laugh ever. You are arrested on suspicion of attempted poisoning.

I roll to convince the jury that bug_sniper didn’t do it.

[paddyfool]

You attempt to convince them the Pope did it instead, and now you have to see a psychiatrist while bug sniper is facing a jail term.

I roll for the outcome of Dire Moose’s diagnosis

[bug_sniper]

The doctor determines that Dire Moose has gone mad and grabs an exorcist right away. Her entire body is dunked in holy water and then holy runes are branded onto her back.

I roll to have Scotty beam me up.

[TheHalfAasimar]

The doctor determines that Dire Moose has gone mad and grabs an exorcist right away. Her entire body is dunked in holy water and then holy runes are branded onto her back.

I roll to have Scotty beam me up.

Instead, you get hit in the face with a full-force BEAM ATTACK!

I roll to run away.

[Dire Moose]

You trip over Orcus!

I roll to order a drink.

[TheHalfAasimar]

You trip over Orcus!

I roll to order a drink.

The drink is poisoned.

I roll to stand back up.

[bug_sniper]

You grab a chair to pull yourself up against. The chair collapses and you're back on the ground.

I roll to bump this thread.

[Dire Moose]

You bump your grandmother off a cliff instead.

I roll to perform a demon-summoning ritual.

[TheHalfAasimar]

You bump your grandmother off a cliff instead.

I roll to perform a demon-summoning ritual.

You summon yourself through the portal instead of a demon.

I roll to jump in the portal.