The "Rolled a 1" Game III - I Don't Want to Set This Thread on Fire

[Dire Moose]

You attempt to eat a land mine by mistake and your head explodes.

I roll to parachute behind enemy lines.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

The enemy finds a Dire Moose-shaped crater in the middle of their camp.

I roll to bug out!

[+5 Vorpal Bunny]

You literally turn into a giant insect. I don't think that was what you had in mind...

I roll to transform and roll out.

[georger0171]

You transform into Cthulhu and commit suicide.

I roll to resurrect myself.

[Dire Moose]

You reanimate yourself into a really hideous zombie.

I roll to bowl with a mole and a foal while avoiding a gnoll and a troll in a hole full of coal (they charge a toll, and you pay with your soul).

[georger0171]

Your rampant rhyming causes the local population of animals to become enraged.

I roll to escape the animals.

[Velaryon]

You are trampled by a herd of cattle and carried off as prey by a grizzly bear.

I roll to organize a search party for georger0171.

[The Outsider]

You manage to convince the Town Council that no one should ever look for georger0171, and that evidence of the whole thing should be buried as deep as possible.

I roll to find the truth, and expose this coverup.

[georger0171]

You find me... but I'm now an eldritch demon.

I roll to obliterate the universe.

[Ironsmith]

*laughs in big bang*

I roll to be a space pirate.

[georger0171]

Instead, you become a space privateer and accidentally blow up a planet.

I roll to capture the mass-murderer.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

It turns out the culprit was an eldritch demon!

I roll to slip past a security camera undetected.

[georger0171]

You fail miserably, alerting the CIA, FBI, MI6, KGB, Mossad, and everyone in the building.

I roll to capture the intruder!

[+5 Vorpal Bunny]

You catch him with a Pokeball! I guess you're his trainer now...

I roll to find out his stats and moves.

[Book Wombat]

You instead find the Necronomicon and die with an expression of horror after looking at the first page.

I roll to seal the Necronomicon forever away.

[georger0171]

You instead unleash its dark power and turn everyone on the planet into eldritch horrors from beyond the void.

I roll to conquer the universe.

[A Human]

You instead unleash its dark power and turn everyone on the planet into eldritch horrors from beyond the void.

I roll to conquer the universe.

You have a great start, subduing a particularly developed region of the galaxy with several sentient and advanced species, but logistics and overextension on such a grand scale make it hard to subdue rebellions and outright impossible to expand much further. While the area you did conquer prospered under the new order and its security, your conquests revert in a few decades after you pass away due to instability and incompetent successors.

I roll to destroy the legacy of the Georger Empire and promote the new independence of the worlds once under it.

[georger0171]

You accidentally recreate the Georger Empire and now, it's apparently immune to logistical problems!

I roll to subdue the civilizations under my control.

[A Human]

You are decisively defeated by a coalition of the powers that sprung up in the wake of the empire's first collapse, and for the third time you're back to square one.

I roll to explore a derelict and abandoned Georger military base for information on the fallen empire and a better idea of its legacy.

[georger0171]

You find a superweapon, attempt to fire it, and it blows up.

I attempt to smoke some weed.

[Dire Moose]

You roll up a joint, put it in your mouth and light it. Suddenly your hands and mouth start itching so badly you feel like they’re on fire. You drop the burning plant in your lap as you realize you just tried to smoke poison ivy, and your pants promptly catch fire.

I roll to treat georger0171’s injuries.

[Korith]

You are now on fire. And so is this thread. (Mission accomplished).

I roll to dial 911 to alert the fire department.

[A Human]

You are now on fire. And so is this thread. (Mission accomplished).

I roll to dial 911 to alert the fire department.

You successfully get to your phone and begin to dial the number. The 9 goes in well - so far, so good - wait. Your phone's lagging! You keep pressing the '1' key in frustration... until after a minute, those two 1s appear. Breathing a sigh of relief, you hit 'call'... but seven more ones appear and you call a completely different number. In fact, it turns out to be the number of someone who enjoys arson. You didn't look at this at the time, however, and so as this person picks up, you call them for help and give them your location. Then, you hang up...

... And a few minutes later, this person shows up with a flamethrower and uses it to help burn what isn't already ablaze. You have officially made the problem worse.

I roll to add fuel to the thread-fire.

[georger0171]

You accidentally add a metric ton of trinitrotroluene, and now the thread is blown up.

I roll to collect the pieces of the thread and put them back together.

[Ironsmith]

You find some (melted, undetonated) trinitrotulene and try to hammer is into place.

I roll to find the bits of georger and try to put them back togethet.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

Wait, don't step- *crunch*

I roll to design a flying car!

[Dire Moose]

You insist on testing the prototype yourself by flying it over the Grand Canyon. The engine stalls out halfway through, causing you to fall thousands of feet and crash to the ground far below.

I roll to walk my dog.

[georger0171]

You walk your dog right into some nuclear waste, creating a Godzilla-esque abomination.

I roll to subdue the abomination!

[Book Wombat]

You manage to kill it after a long battle but unfortunately when the abomination dies it resurrects with ten times the power.

I roll to negate this ability.

[georger0171]

You try to negate it... Crud.
And now it's growing?

I roll to escape the planet before this monstrosity can destroy it.