The "Rolled a 1" Game III - I Don't Want to Set This Thread on Fire

[Dire Moose]

Your ship explodes on the launchpad.

I roll to summon Cthulhu and get him to fight off the abomination.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

Yes on the first part, no on the second.

I roll to accept the world's inevitable fate of being crushed to rubble.

[georger0171]

You turn into the world's last hope... And will you look at that, it's a Gundam with the keys still in the driver's seat.

I roll to lie down and die.

[Kerching]

While the abomination, Cthulu, and Dr. Gunsforhands battle it out, you get launched into outer space, towards a black hole so massive you accelerate closer and closer to the speed of light, never reaching the event horizon, unable to do anything but reflect on your life for all of eternity...

I roll to raise Dr. Gunsforhands to his rightful status of God-Emperor of Mankind.

[Dire Moose]

You send him into the Warp without a Gellar Field. Or a spaceship. Or any clothes, for that matter.

I roll to slam-dunk a basketball.

[bug_sniper]

Somehow, a collision between the basket and the ball results in a tremendous superelastic collision. The ball rebounds into the other side of the court and lands in the basket there. The referee gives the other team 3 points for an own goal.

I roll to treat my insanity resulting from the abominations in the recent posts.

[+5 Vorpal Bunny]

hr=h=6434=nfh=5yOMGWTFBBQ:O^_^cccapf4322m;zmbma.aa aaa..!!!11!

I roll to drive the abominations insane.

[georger0171]

You drive yourself insane and murder a large percentage of this thread.

I roll to strengthen containment in Site-19.

[Kerching]

Spoiler: More realistic answer

Show

██ [REDACTED] [REDACTED] ████ ██ ███ [DATA EXPUNGED] ██

You release SCP-682, tape a picture of SCP-096 onto SCP-173, and Dr. Bright does Dr. Bright.

I roll to impersonate an 05.

[+5 Vorpal Bunny]

You end up impersonating a D-class assigned to cleaning up after SCP-173.

I roll to insert the contents of this thread into SCP-914 on 'Very Fine'.

[georger0171]

You accidentally put it through on "Rough", and the thread comes out in pieces, and on fire. Again.

I roll to clean up this mess.

[Velaryon]

You knock the thread over, causing the fire to spread and various monsters, body parts, and other sundry bits of mess to scatter throughout the entire forum.

I roll to hire a cleaning service.

[Dire Moose]

You hire a demolition team instead and don’t realize it until the wrecking ball crashes into your house.

I roll to send SCP-2700 into SCP-2935 via remote-operated drone (that universe is lifeless, and SCP-2700 won’t be in ours anymore). I explicitly don’t send anything living inside and seal the entrance back up afterward.

[Ironsmith]

You take a wrong turn and end up in 914's intake chamber, with the setting on Coarse.

I roll to not start the machine.

[georger0171]

You start the machine and you get a melted pile of organic slurry at the other end.

I roll to eat some eggs.

[Book Wombat]

You manage to get them in your throat but not further.
R.I.P.

I roll to make a disgusting meal.

[Dire Moose]

You bake a cake that tastes so good that it overloads your senses and blows out every neuron in your brain. R.I.P.

After my emergency backup Amulet of Resurrection goes off and I finish being reconstituted from a pile of organic slurry, I roll to shove Ironsmith into a wood chipper.

[georger0171]

You put yourself in the wood chipper and your emergency backup backup Amulet of Resurrection is triggered.

I roll to get one of those nifty Amulets of Resurrection for myself.

[Book Wombat]

You buy one for what you think is an amazing bargain, although the shopkeeper never guaranteed it would work...

I roll to exchange the broken Amulet for a functioning one.

[Dire Moose]

You exchange it for a functioning amulet. It’s a perfectly functional Amulet of Attracting Angry Swarms of Bees.

I roll to do something that doesn’t involve becoming a pile of blood and gore.

@V: I’m running out of amulets here!

[georger0171]

You get SCP-096rolled and are quickly tracked down by the "Shy Guy."

I roll to terminate SCP-682.

[Ironsmith]

Item: Twenty-sided die, all sides painted with "1".

Termination Test Results: Dr Georger entered SCP-682's enclosure and began pelting SCP-682 with the aforementioned die. Dr Georger was immediately devoured for his trouble.

Coroner's Note: I'm putting down "natural selection" as the cause of death.



I roll to lead a technological revolution.

[Book Wombat]

You manage to destruct all the mediums of knowledge and kill all relevant people setting humanity's technology hundreds of years back.

I roll to survive in this new age.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

* Book Wombat died of dysentery.

I roll to reinvent penicillin.

[Ironsmith]

Anthrax is like penicillin, right?

I roll to make antibiotics.

[georger0171]

You make meth.
Poisoned meth.

I roll to use that leftover Gundam that Dr.Gunsforhands fought Cthulhu and Godzilla in.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

Ordinarily you wouldn't have to roll at all, but I changed some of the controls to suit my fighting style and I didn't label which ones I remapped to, 'blow my own arms and legs off.'

I roll to make popcorn!

[georger0171]

You make a mountain of popcorn, crushing every living thing within a 500km radius of this thread.

I roll to eat the popcorn.

[bug_sniper]

I roll to make popcorn!

Maize kernels inside a wad of bubble gum are not popcorn.

I roll to eat the popcorn.

You chip your teeth on hard kernels that didn't get popped.

I roll a knowledge (planes) check to figure out where I am.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

You're in the Star Trek mirror universe.

I roll to grow a goatee.