The "Rolled a 1" Game III - I Don't Want to Set This Thread on Fire

[BaconTomato]

You get flogged by a mysteriously-tolerated whip-wielding lawyer.

I roll to roll a die.

[Ironsmith]

You do a perfect flip. Right off the roof.

I roll to find a pot of gold.

[georger0171]

You are mauled viciously by a pack of wild leprechauns.

I roll to recurse.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

You are re-cursed!

I roll to change a tire.

[Dire Moose]

You fail to set the car jack properly. The car falls on you and crushes you.

I roll to craft a magic sword.

[georger0171]

You craft a cursed butter knife.

I roll to do something completely safe.

[Ironsmith]

You lock yourself inside a safe. An airtight, nigh-impregnable, otherwise empty safe.

I roll to barrel.

[Book Wombat]

You end up hanging by a fraying rope over a forest fire from a broken helicopter piloted by a blind person inside a hailstorm.

I roll to save George.

Well damn it.

You bowl instead.

I roll to sleep.

[georger0171]

You OD on sleeping pills.

I roll to compose some music!

[Dire Moose]

Your music sounds like owlbears belting out mating calls while scraping their claws across chalkboards.

I roll to STOP THAT TERRIBLE UNGODLY NOISE!!!

[BaconTomato]

You instead record that ungodly noise and upload it to youtube.

I roll to plant a tree.

[georger0171]

You set the tree on fire, plant it upside down, and drizzle it with toxic waste like some poorly-made birthday cake.

I roll to stop the upside-down tree monster from devouring Cleveland.

[BaconTomato]

You stop Cleveland from devouring the upside-down tree monster. Congratulations!

I roll to climb the upside-down tree monster.

[georger0171]

You try to climb a completely normal tree upside-down. Not surprisingly, this has disastrous consequences.

i ROLL TO TURN OFF MY CAPSLOCK KEY.

[Dire Moose]

Y BRK A BNCH 0F 0THR KYS.

I roll to potato.

[Book Wombat]

You carrot do that.

I roll to eat said carrot.

[georger0171]

You stick the carrot up your nose. How do you like them apples?

I roll to eat the aforementioned apples.

[bug_sniper]

You eat the aforementioned pickles. Thankfully, that running gag is now over.

I roll to push a boulder off of a road.

[georger0171]

The boulder turns out to be a galeb duhr and it runs over you.

I roll to clean up bug_sniper's gooey remains.

[Dire Moose]

You get run over by a truck.

I roll to enjoy a day at the beach.

[georger0171]

You get eaten by a shark.

I roll to restart all the running gags.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

...you can't remember any.

I roll to write a great novel!

[georger0171]

You write the scriptures of Cthulhu, causing any who view them to go mad.

I roll to carry Dr. Gunsforhands to the asylum.

[ziproot]

You break your back trying to pick up Dr. Gunsforhands.

I roll to call an ambulance.

[Ironsmith]

*knock knock* Pizza delivery!

Wait, is someone hurt? Good thing I know CPR! *rolls*

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

You huff, and you puff, and you give them mouth-to-mouth so hard that their lungs explode.

I roll to fill out the legal forms for enrolling in the asylum.

[ziproot]

You enroll Ironsmith into the asylum.

I roll to correct this.

[georger0171]

You write several sensory cognitohazards, plus Xerox SCP-096's face onto the papers.

I roll to become Dr. Bright.

[Dire Moose]

You get demoted to D-class and assigned to watch SCP-173.

I roll to kill SCP-682.

[georger0171]

You cause Site-19 to collapse into a ball 1mm in diameter, which 682 promptly eats.

I roll to play a game of SCP: Secret Laboratory.