Joke magic items from your back alley merchant

[noob]

Unerring Javelin
This +1 javelin gains an additional +2 when thrown. If you miss your intended target when you throw the Unerring Javelin, it has a 50% chance to automatically hit the nearest creature to the target with a critical hit. On the other 50% chance, it automatically hits you with a critical. If you are he next nearest creature, it has a 100% chance to hit you if it kisses the intended target.

Here is the item that goes with it.
Gloves of kissing: Any successful attack results in a kiss either of the weapon with the target or of you with the target if you are attacking with natural weapons or unarmed strikes.

[Telok]

Fireball Arrows.
When fired they cast fireball. As arrows are neither sentient or sapient they don't target anything and the fireball just goes off in their space as soon as it is launched. Because the arrow is unattended once it is fired, it is destroyed by the fireball.

[Bohandas]

A pair of scimitars allegedly once owned by a severely overweight distant relative of Drizzt. The swords are named "Cakeicing" and "Twinkie"

[Damon_Tor]

Ring of Spell Storing Prototype
This ring functions exactly like a normal Ring of Spell Storing, except it differs in two ways:
1. There is no limit to the number of spells or total spell levels which can be stored in the ring, but no spell above 5th level can be stored in this way.
2. When activated, the ring casts one spell stored inside it at random.
The Ring contains 4d12 spells when discovered, chosen by the DM or selected randomly. There is no way for the user to know which spells are stored inside it or how many spells are remaining.

[noob]

Ring of Spell Storing Prototype
This ring functions exactly like a normal Ring of Spell Storing, except it differs in two ways:
1. There is no limit to the number of spells or total spell levels which can be stored in the ring, but no spell above 5th level can be stored in this way.
2. When activated, the ring casts one spell stored inside it at random.
The Ring contains 4d12 spells when discovered, chosen by the DM or selected randomly. There is no way for the user to know which spells are stored inside it or how many spells are remaining.

That is actually a ridiculously strong item.
Just use all the spells in it then put the same spell in it over and over repeatedly.

[Damon_Tor]

That is actually a ridiculously strong item.
Just use all the spells in it then put the same spell in it over and over repeatedly.

The safety of emptying the ring is questionable, depending on how many times Summon Greater Demon is in there.

[noob]

The safety of emptying the ring is questionable, depending on how many times Summon Greater Demon is in there.

You utter foul words, summoning one demon from the chaos of the Abyss. You choose the demon’s type, which must be one of challenge rating 5 or lower, such as a shadow demon or a barlgura. The demon appears in an unoccupied space you can see within range, and the demon disappears when it drops to 0 hit points or when the spell ends.

So when the spell starts being cast you pick the kind of demon you summon and can pick the weakest demon.
Then you end the concentration right after the spell is cast so that the demon have no opportunity to break free of the control.
Other fifth level and lower level spells should be safe when cast in a controlled environment.

[Damon_Tor]

So when the spell starts being cast you pick the kind of demon you summon and can pick the weakest demon.
Then you end the concentration right after the spell is cast so that the demon have no opportunity to break free of the control.
Other fifth level and lower level spells should be safe when cast in a controlled environment.

The demon gets 1d6 rounds to do whatever it wants if you break concentration early.

[noob]

The demon gets 1d6 rounds to do whatever it wants if you break concentration early.

Only if it had the time to get out of control:

If you stop concentrating on the spell before it reaches its full duration, an uncontrolled demon doesn’t disappear for 1d6 rounds if it still has hit points.

There is only one clause that allows the demon to get out of control which happens at the end of the turn of the demon.
So this spell is dangerous mostly for those who does not decides to stop concentrating immediately after casting it.(so for people who wants to use it and not the odd people who casts it at random)

[Bohandas]

The Coloring Book Out of Space
This coloring book has been partly colored in with indescribable otherworldly colors. Prolonged viewing will drive the reader first to obsession and then to dementia

[Lacco]

Irrigo-infused Spectacles of Piercing True Seeing

These spectacles give out a faint violet light. When placed upon one's eyes, they see the world as it is - they pierce all illusions, lies, and show only the cold, harsh truth.
To ensure one does not lose their mind due to the overwhelming truth, the glass is infused by irrigo - a colour that traps the memories and makes you forget what you saw - immediately.
These spectacles trap memories of all those who wore them and everything they saw - but if worn for prolonged time, they may devour also other memories.

[Bohandas]

Pantaloons of Feather Falling

This pair of parachute pants acts as an actual parachute. However, anything worn over them, especially armor, will prevent them from functioning.

[Herbert_W]

Ring of Din Visibility

If the wearer of this ring is exposed to sound, their body will emit light. The wearer can see using this light but not by any other means; they are effectively struck blind where it is quiet. (Others can also see using this light as normal.) The level of light depends on the level of noise:

Sound	Effect
Quieter than a whisper	No light at all
Whisper	Light equivalent to a candle
Normal speech, or spellcasting	Light equivalent to a torch
Shouting	Light equivalent to a campfire
Cacophonous din, or louder	Light equivalent to a bonfire

Sound produced by the wearer is fully effective in creating light. For example, they can see by shouting and do not need to have someone else shout for them, although they will probably appreciate having the help when their throat gets sore!

This light penetrates and can be used to see in magical darkness, but does not dispel it. It cannot penetrate darkness produced by a spell of 6th level or higher.

In addition, whenever the wearer either takes sonic damage or avoids sonic damage via a save, they produce a blinding flash. Everyone within 30ft must make a reflex save (against the same DC as the triggering effect, or DC 15 if there is none) or be blinded for a number of rounds equal to the number of dice of sonic damage (regardless of whether it was dealt or avoided).

[Bohandas]

Pearl of Unpredictability

This item allows a caster to cast one of their spells for the day an extra time

What it does - It allows a spell from the user's repertoire to be cast an extra time. However, the spell is chosen at random and goes off when the pearl is activated

[sengmeng]

"Blank" of "Blanking"

This presumably consumable item gives you a +1 to checks of a specific type, up until you fail a check of that type, at which point you have a permanent -1 to checks of that type.

[KragBrightscale]

I’ve got a few items to add to the list:

Spoiler: Hat of Dramatic Escapes

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If you fail a dex save while wearing this hat you can choose to add 1d4 to the roll. This can be done once per short rest. If this causes you to succeed, the hat has a 50% chance of getting knocked off or falling off your head.

When that happens, you may spend your reaction to dramatically grab it and don it again, otherwise it lands within 5ft of you.

Spoiler: Scroll of Lesser Blade Ward

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When activated, this scroll gives a weapon you are holding resistance to bludgeoning/piercing/slashing damage from nonmagical sources for 1 minute.

Spoiler: Scroll of Greater Blade Ward

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When activated, this scroll gives a weapon you are holding resistance to all elemental damage for 1 minute.

Spoiler: Lesser Wand of Catapulting

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Casts catapult as a lvl 1 spell. Whenever used roll 1d6. On a 1, the wand is launched at the target instead. It deals damage as normal, except damage type is changed to piercing.

Spoiler: Greater Wand of Catapulting

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Casts the spell catapult as a lvl 3 spell. Whenever used roll a 1d8. On a 1, you are launched at the target instead. Deals half damage to both you and the target you hit.

Spoiler: Wand of Color Spray

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When used, the wand sprays a fine mist of paint from its tip as a cone that can reach up to 5ft. This wand has a rotatable tip that selects which color is sprayed. Created by a wizard during his college years when he would rather have been a graffiti artist.

Spoiler: Z. Poe’s Lighting Wand

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This finger-length wand by the reputable Z. Poe is a must have for all pipe smokers. When the activation button is clicked and held down, a tiny gentle flame is emitted from its tip. Can be used to start fires, but more commonly used to light a pipe. Provides dim light in a 10ft radius when active. Wand can be recharged through a 10min ceremony that consumes 5gp of lamp oil.

[noob]

The Scroll of Lesser Blade Ward is an useful item with some gms especially if you have a magical blade that turned to be a bit too powerful for the gm standards you want to protect from the npcs that mysteriously only try to destroy it instead of attacking you.

[KragBrightscale]

The Scroll of Lesser Blade Ward is an useful item with some gms especially if you have a magical blade that turned to be a bit too powerful for the gm standards you want to protect from the npcs that mysteriously only try to destroy it instead of attacking you.

Haha, yeah. GM would probably regret you acquiring the scroll in that case. Was going for items that could be useful in certain situations, but not in the way their name might seem to indicate to potential customers.

[Lacco]

Blanket of Hiding
You can hide under this blanket (if you are up to and including medium size) completely to get a slight bonus to resist cold. It also breaks line of sight and allows you to ignore any monsters (does not affect said monsters). Completely protects from ghosts and bogeymen - but only if you do not move or breathe.

Pillow of Talking
Anyone with their head upon this pillow get a disadvantage to willpower to resist pillow talk.

Pillow of Muffling
When used to cover one's mouth, it muffles the sounds produced by said mouth.

Pillow of Fortification
Can be used to build pillow forts. Good with Blanket of Hiding.

Pillow of Powerful Delusion
When placed on a bed and covered with a blanket (any kind), it provides a strong delusion that someone is sleeping under it - it can fool even undead and constructs.
Usually sold at Inn of the Prancing Pony Inn.

[brian 333]

Bracelet of Charms:

This wrist ornament is a flat gold chain upon which more than a dozen baubles of various shapes and materials dangle. The various ornaments appear to represent various magical effects, while the bracelet itself appears to make the wearer resistant or immune to mind control magic.

The bracelet's charms, however, do not function as one would assume. If a charm is removed and invoked or otherwise targeted it causes the user to be Charmed (as the spell) and the intended target or targets will be the object of their trust and friendship for the duration of the spell, which is cast at the level of the bracelet wearer.

The bracelet itself will offer the expected bonus or immunity to mind control spells for all purposes except for the effect of its own charms. Against its own charms it acts as a cursed item with all saving throw bonuses reversed to become penalties or, in the case of immunity, automatic failures.

It was created by the wizard Ugly John who was famed for both his crude manners and his many remarkable affairs. Unfortunately, he gave the bracelet to a disguised medusa in the hopes that his unwanted loutish advances would yield the usual result, which it did. Years later an adventuring party came across a really ugly obscene statue in the lair of the medusa they had slain.

[Bohandas]

Figurine of Wondrous Power: Paper Tiger

This origami tiger can turn into a real tiger with only 1 hit point

[KragBrightscale]

Spoiler: Sandals of Levitation

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These sandals are enchanted to be impossibly light causing them to be effectively immune to gravity. The soles of these sandals are actually semisolid soft white clouds that make walking on them really feel like you are stepping on air.

The wearer, however, is not immune to gravity so while the sandals do levitate on their own, the weight of a even a feather is enough to cause them to fall.

On the upside, the soft cloud soles cushion the blow from falling. When calculating fall damage, consider the fall distance as being 10ft less than it actually was.