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  1. - Top - End - #1
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Greywander's Avatar

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    Default Joke magic items from your back alley merchant

    Just a few silly magic items I thought up that could be sold at discounted prices from a shady merchant in a dark alley, or randomly encountered inside a dungeon, perhaps. I'm writing these with D&D 5e in mind, though I imagine these could be adapted to almost any system.



    Nut of Retroactive Discernment
    Wondrous item, common

    This item appears to be some kind of nut from an unknown tree. When eaten, this nut grants the user the clarity to distinguish between good and bad choices, but only after the choices have been made.

    What happens when you eat it: The nut is initially flavorless, but after a few seconds it starts tasting like toothpaste and orange juice. You're struck with the feeling that eating this nut was a poor decision.

    What it actually does: Surprisingly, it actually works as advertised, though the duration is only 1 minute. Thus it's easy for people who eat the nut to assume it's purely a joke item. But if you were to make a choice with a significant enough effect within that time frame, the nut's magic works like the Augury spell, giving you a sense of weal or woe or both depending on what the choice's likely outcome is. The only reason that eating the nut gives a "bad choice" reading is because it tastes bad. On rare occasions, if eating the nut is itself helpful to you in some way, you might get a feeling that it was a good choice, but it will still taste bad.



    Ball of Bouncing
    Wondrous item, uncommon

    This rubber ball is about 1 inch in diameter. It carries an enchantment that greatly increases bouncing.

    What it actually does: If you fall at least 10 feet while the ball is on your person, you will bounce once, up to the height you fell from. The ball negates fall damage from the bounce, but not from the resulting fall afterwards. Stopping your fall in any way, such as touching the ground or grabbing on to something that is secure, such as a ledge or rope, will reset the bounce, allowing you to bounce again on your next fall. The ball itself does not bounce if thrown or dropped.



    Lynn's Bridge of Brooks
    Wondrous item, common

    This is a coin-sized wooden token inscribed with the symbol of a bridge. When thrown into water, it produces an enchanted bridge for you and a special someone.

    What it actually does: The token produces a sturdy-looking wooden bridge that is up to 10 feet long and 5 feet wide when thrown into water. If there is a bank or shore within 10 feet of the token, the bridge will try to anchor one end of itself to that shore. If the other shore is within 10 feet of that one end of the bridge, the other end will anchor to the opposite shore, bridging the space across. Otherwise, if the bridge can't find a shore to anchor to, it will expand evenly out from the token, oriented toward the user, and float on top of the water. The first two creatures to cross the bridge can do so normally. However, once a third creature reaches the center of the bridge, it will collapse.



    Unclear Missile, Weapon of Mass Distraction
    Weapon (ammunition), common

    It's unclear what this actually is, but it appears to be some kind of ammunition. You should be able to use it with any weapon that uses ammunition, including siege weapons, but it's unclear what would happen if you did. Honestly, it's kind of distracting you just trying to figure out what this even is.

    What it actually does: The unclear missile can be used as ammunition for any kind of weapon, and acts like a normal (albeit magical) piece of ammunition. When the unclear missile impacts (whether a target, the ground, a wall, etc.), it begins emitting an aura of distraction for 1 minute. Any creature within 60 feet of the unclear missile is confounded by its unclear nature, giving them disadvantage on Perception checks. After 1 minute of emitting the aura, the missile evaporates.



    Butcher's Knife of Manslaughter
    Weapon (dagger), common

    A cruel-looking knife once wielded by a deranged serial killer. He used it to carve smiles onto the faces of his exclusively male victims.

    What it actually does: When a male target is struck, the dagger deals no damage, instead tickling the target. Against any other target, it behaves like a normal (albeit magical) dagger.



    Helm of Aid
    Wondrous item, common

    This ornate helmet is studded with jewels that can be pried off and thrown. If you are in need of Aid, you can at least use the helmet as a cup to soothe your weariness.

    What it actually does: Liquid placed inside the helmet is enchanted with an effect similar to the Prestidigitation spell, giving the liquid a random fruity flavor and changing the color depending on the flavor, e.g. purple for grape, red for cherry, yellow for lemonade, etc. Simply immersing the helm in liquid doesn't cause this effect, but scooping liquid out of e.g. a pool of water would affect the water that is scooped out. Prying off and throwing the worthless glass beads does nothing except make the helm leaky.



    What about you? Got any silly items you'd like to share? Maybe a story about a silly item that appeared in one of your games?

  2. - Top - End - #2
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    DwarfBarbarianGuy

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    Default Re: Joke magic items from your back alley merchant

    Pouch of Generosity
    Wondrous Item, common
    A fairly normal looking belt pouch. The wearer can reach in and pull out any number of sugar candies, small wooden or cloth toys, or battered copper pieces...but only with the intention of giving them to someone else... basically, perfect for scattering to orphans and street urchins...
    "There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter."
    ~ Ernest Hemingway

    2021 2022 2023 2024

    Dwarf Magus (Deep Marshal) spell list

  3. - Top - End - #3
    Ettin in the Playground
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    Default Re: Joke magic items from your back alley merchant

    Pipe of forgetting
    Wondrous item, rare (not because it is valuable in any way but just because nearly nobody in their right mind would create one)
    This pipe when used to smoke makes you forget the experience of smoking from it.
    It was created by some really bored immortal creature to wait centuries without the weakness of being in a stasis state but for most other creatures it is just a waste of time.
    Last edited by noob; 2021-02-10 at 03:45 AM.

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    WolfInSheepsClothing

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    Default Re: Joke magic items from your back alley merchant

    Returning Weapon Prototype
    Uncommon, any weapon with the thrown property.
    Whenever you make ranged attack with this weapon, it immediately returns to you... at lethal velocity. The weapon makes a ranged weapon attack against you with no bonuses or penalties. If it misses, you can safely catch it.

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    Ogre in the Playground
     
    ElfRogueGirl

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    Default Re: Joke magic items from your back alley merchant

    In a campaign of mine, I used a bunch of joke items.

    Boots of flying: Boots that, once placed on the ground, start flying into the sky, never to be seen again.
    Rod of disintegration: Rod that, once used, disintigrates itself.

    There were more, but I can't remember what they were.

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    Colossus in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Joke magic items from your back alley merchant

    Quote Originally Posted by Damon_Tor View Post
    Returning Weapon Prototype
    Uncommon, any weapon with the thrown property.
    Whenever you make ranged attack with this weapon, it immediately returns to you... at lethal velocity. The weapon makes a ranged weapon attack against you with no bonuses or penalties. If it misses, you can safely catch it.
    So, what happens if a Monk uses Deflect Missiles against this weapon when thrown? :P

    Jokes aside, there's a lot of real fun stuff here!
    I have a LOT of Homebrew!

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    WolfInSheepsClothing

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    Quote Originally Posted by JNAProductions View Post
    So, what happens if a Monk uses Deflect Missiles against this weapon when thrown? :P

    Jokes aside, there's a lot of real fun stuff here!
    As in, the monk is the target of the original attack?

    The monk's ability triggers first, since it happens in response to damage being dealt, as opposed to the weapon's attack, which is triggered by the attack as a whole.

    So the first the weapon's owner throws the weapon at the monk, who catches it and throws it back. It hits or misses the original owner, then flies back to attack the monk a second time. Afterward, the original attack finally resolves and the weapon makes its return attack against it's original owner.

    So a lot of bouncing.

    Now imagine if the first guy who threw it is ALSO a monk...

  8. - Top - End - #8
    Ettin in the Playground
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    Quote Originally Posted by Damon_Tor View Post
    As in, the monk is the target of the original attack?

    The monk's ability triggers first, since it happens in response to damage being dealt, as opposed to the weapon's attack, which is triggered by the attack as a whole.

    So the first the weapon's owner throws the weapon at the monk, who catches it and throws it back. It hits or misses the original owner, then flies back to attack the monk a second time. Afterward, the original attack finally resolves and the weapon makes its return attack against it's original owner.

    So a lot of bouncing.

    Now imagine if the first guy who threw it is ALSO a monk...
    Give them unlimited deflection too with an epic feat?
    "And so the monks played volleyball at an infinite speed"
    (like the most dangerous game of volleyball)
    Last edited by noob; 2021-02-12 at 07:22 AM.

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    Ettin in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Joke magic items from your back alley merchant

    Rod of Rulership with infinite charges. Only works when submerged in Cthulhu.

    Crystal ball, warm to the touch. Stays a constant 100 degrees F. No other effects.

    Hammer, dwarven thrower. Throws the dwarf while the hammer just sort of drops to the ground.

    Man do I feel old now.

  10. - Top - End - #10
    Ettin in the Playground
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    Default Re: Joke magic items from your back alley merchant

    Quote Originally Posted by Telok View Post
    Rod of Rulership with infinite charges. Only works when submerged in Cthulhu.

    Crystal ball, warm to the touch. Stays a constant 100 degrees F. No other effects.

    Hammer, dwarven thrower. Throws the dwarf while the hammer just sort of drops to the ground.

    Man do I feel old now.
    How did the people with that rod even test it worked?
    It seems like the kind of item even its creator would have an hard time testing.
    The crystal ball seems really useful when you are dying of cold.
    Last edited by noob; 2021-02-17 at 01:38 AM.

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    Ettin in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Joke magic items from your back alley merchant

    Lemme check my reference... ah, Fantasy Gamer, the Aug/Sept issue, 1983. These aren't exactly new.

    Mace of Sharpness. Ring of Invulnerability (the ring's invulnerable). Coin with "yes" and "no" on it, always lands on the edge.

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    Troll in the Playground
     
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    Duck of Undetectability

    A live duck.

    Once you touch the duck, you feel an extremely strong compulsion to put the duck on the top of your head (you have to place it on your head, not helmet or hat), where it will sit, calmly, sometimes quacking.

    The duck needs no sustenance and usually only watches its surroundings with mildly amused/bewildered look on its face (a default duck look).

    Once it sits on your head, it is completely undetectable - by the wearer. Everybody else sees it, but the wearer does not know about it, will not notice the weight, or know that it exists. They will deny its existence and will not be alarmed to its presence by any means.




    Scimitar of Ch'ed'aar

    Size: for halflings

    An extremely sharp, serrated scimitar created by a halfling master blacksmith. It has a serrated blade with multiple cutouts. It has +12 to cutting cheese of any kind. Otherwise works as masterwork scimitar.




    Stealthy Dagger

    An ornate dagger that looks like it is not reflecting light properly. Is actually a relatively powerful item, has only one drawback.

    Any time you want to draw it, you have to pass a hard Spot/Perception/Search (or whatever is appropriate) test. If you fail, the dagger managed to sneak away from you and is currently hiding in the surroundings.




    Coat of Relatively Useful Items

    This coat contains 4732 pockets and whenever you reach into one, you find a random, relatively useful item (completely useless for your situation).
    ...I actually had a large table, but most entries were things like pixie-sized whetstone, vial of walrus spit, 2'' of rope, moldy cheese, wilted rose, broken lens, ancient coin of confusing value, small ornate key (fits to a lock somewhere at the end of the world), napking with first half or recipe for cure poison potion, ...

    I can try to find the table somewhere.

    I once ran a comedic dungeon where all-powerful, with players taking the roles of senile wizard El Minister, a pixie ranger Dzzrzrzt, an assassin that had an extreme phobia of blood and violence (fainted) and barbarian with 5 PhDs and INT equal to 23+. It was a lot of fun; will have to check my old disc to find the excel sheet full of crazy stuff.
    Call me Laco or Ladislav (if you need to be formal). Avatar comes from the talented linklele.
    Formerly GMing: Riddle of Steel: Soldiers of Fortune

    Quote Originally Posted by Kol Korran View Post
    Instead of having an adventure, from which a cool unexpected story may rise, you had a story, with an adventure built and designed to enable the story, but also ensure (or close to ensure) it happens.

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    Troll in the Playground
     
    HalflingPirate

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    Default Re: Joke magic items from your back alley merchant

    Chimes of Chiming

    This magic item is enchanted with the power to repeat a short series of tones in a specific order. Many great sages have studied the device, pondering the meaning of its eight-note melody, or trying to ascertain in exactly what circumstances its powers would be most useful.

    What is known is that when stuck it produces a pattern which sounds like, "Ding-dong dang-doon, dang-doon ding-dong." In fact, it will always, (and only,) make this series of notes when struck, at a moderately loud level. Other than its sound it produces no effect, leading many to believe it is a key to a magical door of some kind, or a means to appease a specific monster, or other, even more outlandish theories as to its use.

    Its true purpose was to alert a minor hedge mage that someone had entered his shop when the chime was struck by the opening of the door beneath which it was hung. Of course, this was forgotten generations ago, and since then the chime has been played up by hucksters over the years to increase its sale price.


    Boots of Walking

    These boots are not comfortable, nor are they stylish, but they are magical. Exactly what their magic is remains a mystery. When worn they offer no benefit, and may induce corns, blisters, and calluses if worn for any amount of time. They are so uncomfortable that a character wearing them cannot run, and moves as if encumbered.

    When placed on the ground and commanded, they will begin to walk in a random direction, meandering to follow the best walking path given the terrain. They will leave footprints as if they were worn by a 220 pound man, (100 kilos.) They will walk off cliffs, into rivers, through lava or mud, or whatever is in their path.

    After ten minutes, however, they will walk back to their master, and follow him until picked up and placed in a container. Left to their own devices, the boots will follow their owner, (the last person to claim them or to pick them up and try to use them or keep them,) and while the owner is asleep they will march in circles around the owner's resting place. If the owner runs or rides, the boots will follow at the same speed, though they cannot fly or swim. They simply run as if the ground beneath a river or lake was dry land, matching the speed of their master, and staying within 20 feet of a point projected vertically from the master's position to the solid surface upon which they walk.

    They have been sold as virtually every other kind of magical footwear over the years as less than reputable merchants have tried to unload the seemingly useless merchandise.


    The Quill of Invisible Writing

    This magic item never functioned as intended. What was wanted was a pen which would scribe secret messages. What was obtained was a pen which will record whatever was written in invisible script which cannot be seen even by the most powerful magical means. In other words, while it is indeed powerfully magical and will show its intended purpose when an Identify spell is used, it is about as useful as a dry stylus for sending messages.
    Last edited by brian 333; 2021-02-17 at 05:12 PM.

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    Ettin in the Playground
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    Default Re: Joke magic items from your back alley merchant

    Quote Originally Posted by brian 333 View Post

    The Quill of Invisible Writing

    This magic item never functioned as intended. What was wanted was a pen which would scribe secret messages. What was obtained was a pen which will record whatever was written in invisible script which cannot be seen even by the most powerful magical means. In other words, while it is indeed powerfully magical and will show its intended purpose when an Identify spell is used, it is about as useful as a dry stylus for sending messages.
    Seems useful: You have a source of a completely invisible ink that can not be detected.
    Could be used as a material after it dries up.
    Imagine invisible walls or floors but no spells allows you to find them.(you would however have an hard time finding them so it is kind of double edged)
    Last edited by noob; 2021-02-17 at 07:41 PM.

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    Ogre in the Playground
     
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    Quote Originally Posted by lacco36 View Post
    Duck of Undetectability

    A live duck.

    Once you touch the duck, you feel an extremely strong compulsion to put the duck on the top of your head (you have to place it on your head, not helmet or hat), where it will sit, calmly, sometimes quacking.

    The duck needs no sustenance and usually only watches its surroundings with mildly amused/bewildered look on its face (a default duck look).

    Once it sits on your head, it is completely undetectable - by the wearer. Everybody else sees it, but the wearer does not know about it, will not notice the weight, or know that it exists. They will deny its existence and will not be alarmed to its presence by any means.
    This reminds me of one of the possible effects for a wild magic surge in my homebrew wild magic system:

    "A duck flies up to you and sits on your head. The duck acts like a normal duck except that it will not move from atop your head and will resist any attempts to dislodge it. If the duck is removed, it will attempt to climb back onto your head. If the duck is killed or unable to sit atop your head for 5 minutes, then the duck will begin to bleed from every orifice and speak incomprehensible gibberish in a hellish voice for 1 minute, after which it will burst into flames until it is fully consumed. While the duck is still burning, a new duck will fly up to you and sit on your head. The duck vanishes after you finish a long rest."

    I also have several effects that consist of different variants of "X happens but you are completely unaware of it and will deny any attempts to convince you". For example, one of these sets the caster's hair on fire, while another causes them to dance continuously.

    You know, there's probably some overlap between joke magic item effects and minor wild magic surge effects.

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    Troll in the Playground
     
    HalflingPirate

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    Default Re: Joke magic items from your back alley merchant

    Arrow of Returning:

    This arrow works better than intended, as its creator improperly incanted the spell range when creating the item. Instead of traveling 180 yards before teleporting back to the shooter's quiver, the arrow travels only 180 centimeters before returning.

    Cursed version:
    Unfortunately, there is a 1-12 chance of drawing this arrow because it always hides among the arrows being used. It can never be cast aside, but it can be traded, bought, or stolen.

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    Troll in the Playground
     
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    I found my terrible list of terribleness (some of these were inspired or even found on the net 6+ years ago). Behold.

    Mittens of Perfection

    These gaunlets perfectly fit any hand (also: provide no protection). Fluffy. May contain traces of peanuts.

    Cloak of Many Bats

    Whenever you open this cloak, 1d100 bats dramatically exit it and fly away. Every onlooker not familiar with this cloak must pass a save or go "Whoa!".

    Sponsored Boots of Sneaking

    Whoever wears these boots sneaks without making any sound, regardless of terrain or skill of the wearer. They also come free. However, every few seconds they loudly announce the name of the sponsor and provide commentary so anyone within hearing distance can notice how quietly the person is sneaking.

    Cat Step Boots

    A variant of above. These boots look like kittens. They increase the dextrity/agility and provide bonus to sneaking for the wearer. They also meow any time you take a step with them.

    Cloak of Indescribable Beauty

    It is a really beautiful cloak. Everybody will like it and will comment on the ugliness of the wearer while wearing such a beautiful cloak.

    Wand/Staff of Balance

    Actually a spirit-level.

    Staff of Many Dramatic Effects

    This ornate staff has a small statuette of a dragon that sometimes moves on top and a small, crystal ball on the bottom. It is carved with ever-changing runes of ancient, indecypherable runes, changes color and the crystal ball often shows strange events.

    It can be used to produce swarms of butterflies, flies, prismatic effects, small, ominous black clouds (around the size of a small dog) that can be controlled. It can also provide small amounts of light, which changes color according to the mood and voice of the caster.

    Lastly, it provides a lightning and thunder effect (not actual lightning) whenever the wielder says something important (judged by the small dragon, so absolutely randomly).

    It has no other uses.

    Staff of Happiness

    Whenever you state the activation word "Nice", the staff starts to slightly tremble.

    Staff of Ice

    Made of actual ice. Melts in about an hour in room temperature. Good for making drinks.

    Wand of Gravity Detection

    When held in hand and dropped, falls in the rough direction of strongest local gravity field.

    Staff of Madness

    Plays a medley of Britney Spears, Celine Dion and Barbara Streisand songs at will (modify playlist according to your own sadistic choices).

    Wand of Desurrection

    Works as resurrection in reverse - instead of bringing back to life someone who is dead, kills someone who never was alive. A random corpse of unknown origins appears once spell is cast.

    Ring of Detect Life

    Detects if the wearer is alive, dead or undead.

    Anti-theft Ring

    Whenever someone tries to steal something from the wearer, the ring informs him about it through the means of electric discharge (electrocutes the wearer).

    Ring of Visibility

    Caster is visible to everyone who looks at them. +4 to feeling self-conscious.

    Ring of Sustenance

    An actual onion ring.

    Instant Water

    A white dust. When mixed with exactly 1 cup of water you get 1 cup of water.

    Everfull Cup

    The cup is full of water. It's actually enclosed so you can't get to the water - that's why it's still full.

    Cup of Infinite Nothing

    Nothing pours out of it. Forever.

    Goat of Turning
    When activated by stating "Turn!", the goat turns away.

    Horn of Silent Step

    While blowing this horn, no footstep can be heard.

    Destructive Axe of Empathy

    A very powerful axe that causes the same wound to the wielder as the axe causes to the target, but immediately heals the target and hopes you get the message!

    Sword of Ancestors

    A crystalline sword, actually a cool weapon. Useful too.

    You also get to hear your ancestors all the time, discussing your actions in very much detail.

    Ergonomic Sword

    Absolutely ergonomic. Extremely lightweight and easy to wield, almost no weight, takes no inventory room, almost no fatigue from its use, almost no damage.

    Sword of Fear

    An intelligent, powerful sword. It fears darkness. Hates to be put into the scabbard. Extreme dislike of dark dungeons. Able to talk and scream. Wishes to become a torch.

    Dagger of Disarming

    A magical dagger, good in combat. The wielder has to pass a check every round or be disarmed.

    Elven Longbow of Cursing

    A masterwork, magical longbow of elven origins. Whenever its string is pulled, it starts to whisper softly. The volume increases with every round and with every target. It is actually a long string of elven profanities and if you fight for long, it will start to scream insults.

    Invisible Blade

    A sword that looks just like a hilt... because it is exactly a sword without a hilt. Of course it causes no damage.

    Oh, it's deadly against any mime.

    Weapon of the Master

    It provides the wielder with a proficiency of a master (+5?) for a single weapon type. A different weapon kind - so a Staff of Master will provide +5 to fighting with swords, etc.

    Brandylan (sword)

    An artifact, intelligent sword. Has two personalities - Brandon (optimistic, cheerful, hits almost every time, does not cause any damage, actually heals those he touches) and Dylan (pessimistic, nihilistic, causes extra damage, penalty to attack). Randomly switches the personalities.

    Mace of Corruption

    Will try to bribe everyone. With wielders' gold.

    Mace of Dark Reward

    Contains 1d10 pieces of dark chocolate, shaped as maces, filled with blood.

    Scroll of Reading

    User is able to read this scroll, even if illiterate. Magical literacy works only until you stop reading this scroll.

    Scroll of Fire Ball

    When crumpled into a ball, this scroll catches fire (usually while in caster's hand).

    Weapon of DOOOOOOM

    Set of weapons furnished from a black material that does not reflect light at all. First time the wielder gains this weapon, they receive an otherworldly message - that they are chosen by Darkness as its avatar, champion of Dark and that they shall bring on the era of Darkness.

    It has no other magical properties.

    Chaotic Evil Colouring Book

    A colouring book that is said to contain images of future events that can be understood once properly coloured. It comes with a set of crayons, but whenever a crayon touches the book, the book either melts the crayon, changes its colour randomly or moves so the image can not be properly coloured.

    My favourites:

    Cloak of Billowing

    Regardless of actual weather condition, this cloak always dramatically billows.

    Ring of Dramatic Entrance

    Whenever the wearer enters a room or passes through any kind of portal, a dramatic song starts to play (I used Captain Baseballbatboy from Max Payne). It stops only after they assume a heroic pose for at least one round.

    Ring of Unending Agony

    All small animals and vermin get hiccups in area of 100' around the wearer.

    Duck of Many Items

    The duck lays 1d4 eggs per day, each contains a relatively useful item (including magic items from this list that fit), including items that would be too big to fit it.

    The only drawback is that the duck actually hides those eggs.
    Last edited by Lacco; 2021-02-19 at 05:12 AM.
    Call me Laco or Ladislav (if you need to be formal). Avatar comes from the talented linklele.
    Formerly GMing: Riddle of Steel: Soldiers of Fortune

    Quote Originally Posted by Kol Korran View Post
    Instead of having an adventure, from which a cool unexpected story may rise, you had a story, with an adventure built and designed to enable the story, but also ensure (or close to ensure) it happens.

  18. - Top - End - #18
    Ettin in the Playground
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    Default Re: Joke magic items from your back alley merchant

    Quote Originally Posted by lacco36 View Post
    I found my terrible list of terribleness (some of these were inspired or even found on the net 6+ years ago). Behold.

    Mittens of Perfection

    These gaunlets perfectly fit any hand (also: provide no protection). Fluffy. May contain traces of peanuts.

    Cloak of Many Bats

    Whenever you open this cloak, 1d100 bats dramatically exit it and fly away. Every onlooker not familiar with this cloak must pass a save or go "Whoa!".

    Sponsored Boots of Sneaking

    Whoever wears these boots sneaks without making any sound, regardless of terrain or skill of the wearer. They also come free. However, every few seconds they loudly announce the name of the sponsor and provide commentary so anyone within hearing distance can notice how quietly the person is sneaking.

    Cat Step Boots

    A variant of above. These boots look like kittens. They increase the dextrity/agility and provide bonus to sneaking for the wearer. They also meow any time you take a step with them.

    Cloak of Indescribable Beauty

    It is a really beautiful cloak. Everybody will like it and will comment on the ugliness of the wearer while wearing such a beautiful cloak.

    Wand/Staff of Balance

    Actually a spirit-level.

    Staff of Many Dramatic Effects

    This ornate staff has a small statuette of a dragon that sometimes moves on top and a small, crystal ball on the bottom. It is carved with ever-changing runes of ancient, indecypherable runes, changes color and the crystal ball often shows strange events.

    It can be used to produce swarms of butterflies, flies, prismatic effects, small, ominous black clouds (around the size of a small dog) that can be controlled. It can also provide small amounts of light, which changes color according to the mood and voice of the caster.

    Lastly, it provides a lightning and thunder effect (not actual lightning) whenever the wielder says something important (judged by the small dragon, so absolutely randomly).

    It has no other uses.

    Staff of Happiness

    Whenever you state the activation word "Nice", the staff starts to slightly tremble.

    Staff of Ice

    Made of actual ice. Melts in about an hour in room temperature. Good for making drinks.

    Wand of Gravity Detection

    When held in hand and dropped, falls in the rough direction of strongest local gravity field.

    Staff of Madness

    Plays a medley of Britney Spears, Celine Dion and Barbara Streisand songs at will (modify playlist according to your own sadistic choices).

    Wand of Desurrection

    Works as resurrection in reverse - instead of bringing back to life someone who is dead, kills someone who never was alive. A random corpse of unknown origins appears once spell is cast.

    Ring of Detect Life

    Detects if the wearer is alive, dead or undead.

    Anti-theft Ring

    Whenever someone tries to steal something from the wearer, the ring informs him about it through the means of electric discharge (electrocutes the wearer).

    Ring of Visibility

    Caster is visible to everyone who looks at them. +4 to feeling self-conscious.

    Ring of Sustenance

    An actual onion ring.

    Instant Water

    A white dust. When mixed with exactly 1 cup of water you get 1 cup of water.

    Everfull Cup

    The cup is full of water. It's actually enclosed so you can't get to the water - that's why it's still full.

    Cup of Infinite Nothing

    Nothing pours out of it. Forever.

    Goat of Turning
    When activated by stating "Turn!", the goat turns away.

    Horn of Silent Step

    While blowing this horn, no footstep can be heard.

    Destructive Axe of Empathy

    A very powerful axe that causes the same wound to the wielder as the axe causes to the target, but immediately heals the target and hopes you get the message!

    Sword of Ancestors

    A crystalline sword, actually a cool weapon. Useful too.

    You also get to hear your ancestors all the time, discussing your actions in very much detail.

    Ergonomic Sword

    Absolutely ergonomic. Extremely lightweight and easy to wield, almost no weight, takes no inventory room, almost no fatigue from its use, almost no damage.

    Sword of Fear

    An intelligent, powerful sword. It fears darkness. Hates to be put into the scabbard. Extreme dislike of dark dungeons. Able to talk and scream. Wishes to become a torch.

    Dagger of Disarming

    A magical dagger, good in combat. The wielder has to pass a check every round or be disarmed.

    Elven Longbow of Cursing

    A masterwork, magical longbow of elven origins. Whenever its string is pulled, it starts to whisper softly. The volume increases with every round and with every target. It is actually a long string of elven profanities and if you fight for long, it will start to scream insults.

    Invisible Blade

    A sword that looks just like a hilt... because it is exactly a sword without a hilt. Of course it causes no damage.

    Oh, it's deadly against any mime.

    Weapon of the Master

    It provides the wielder with a proficiency of a master (+5?) for a single weapon type. A different weapon kind - so a Staff of Master will provide +5 to fighting with swords, etc.

    Brandylan (sword)

    An artifact, intelligent sword. Has two personalities - Brandon (optimistic, cheerful, hits almost every time, does not cause any damage, actually heals those he touches) and Dylan (pessimistic, nihilistic, causes extra damage, penalty to attack). Randomly switches the personalities.

    Mace of Corruption

    Will try to bribe everyone. With wielders' gold.

    Mace of Dark Reward

    Contains 1d10 pieces of dark chocolate, shaped as maces, filled with blood.

    Scroll of Reading

    User is able to read this scroll, even if illiterate. Magical literacy works only until you stop reading this scroll.

    Scroll of Fire Ball

    When crumpled into a ball, this scroll catches fire (usually while in caster's hand).

    Weapon of DOOOOOOM

    Set of weapons furnished from a black material that does not reflect light at all. First time the wielder gains this weapon, they receive an otherworldly message - that they are chosen by Darkness as its avatar, champion of Dark and that they shall bring on the era of Darkness.

    It has no other magical properties.

    Chaotic Evil Colouring Book

    A colouring book that is said to contain images of future events that can be understood once properly coloured. It comes with a set of crayons, but whenever a crayon touches the book, the book either melts the crayon, changes its colour randomly or moves so the image can not be properly coloured.

    My favourites:

    Cloak of Billowing

    Regardless of actual weather condition, this cloak always dramatically billows.

    Ring of Dramatic Entrance

    Whenever the wearer enters a room or passes through any kind of portal, a dramatic song starts to play (I used Captain Baseballbatboy from Max Payne). It stops only after they assume a heroic pose for at least one round.

    Ring of Unending Agony

    All small animals and vermin get hiccups in area of 100' around the wearer.

    Duck of Many Items

    The duck lays 1d4 eggs per day, each contains a relatively useful item (including magic items from this list that fit), including items that would be too big to fit it.

    The only drawback is that the duck actually hides those eggs.
    I see you play with the deafening interpretation of the silence spell.
    As you noticed in dnd the silence spell says you do not hear sounds from within the zone of silence but it does not says why so a valid interpretation is that the borders of the zone of silence makes extremely strong noises that cover any other noise.

  19. - Top - End - #19
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    Default Re: Joke magic items from your back alley merchant

    Quote Originally Posted by noob View Post
    I see you play with the deafening interpretation of the silence spell.
    As you noticed in dnd the silence spell says you do not hear sounds from within the zone of silence but it does not says why so a valid interpretation is that the borders of the zone of silence makes extremely strong noises that cover any other noise.
    You mean the Horn of Silent Step? Yeah, it's the idea that while playing an extremely loud horn, enemies will not hear the footstep. Only the horn.

    Combined with Ring of Visibility it's perfect combo.

    Also: no idea what the silence spell says, I'm not D&D GM . That's why the exact stats are not provided - it is relatively system-agnostic.

    Additionally:

    Ring of Balance

    Provides +5 to all rolls.
    At the same time provides -5 to all rolls.
    Call me Laco or Ladislav (if you need to be formal). Avatar comes from the talented linklele.
    Formerly GMing: Riddle of Steel: Soldiers of Fortune

    Quote Originally Posted by Kol Korran View Post
    Instead of having an adventure, from which a cool unexpected story may rise, you had a story, with an adventure built and designed to enable the story, but also ensure (or close to ensure) it happens.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Damon_Tor View Post
    As in, the monk is the target of the original attack?

    The monk's ability triggers first, since it happens in response to damage being dealt, as opposed to the weapon's attack, which is triggered by the attack as a whole.

    So the first the weapon's owner throws the weapon at the monk, who catches it and throws it back. It hits or misses the original owner, then flies back to attack the monk a second time. Afterward, the original attack finally resolves and the weapon makes its return attack against it's original owner.

    So a lot of bouncing.

    Now imagine if the first guy who threw it is ALSO a monk...
    It's like someone crossed handball with Russian roulette.

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    Armoir of Invulnerability:

    When this 200 pound cabinet is donned, (wearer gets inside and latches the door,) it confers 100 percent immunity to all attacks until it is destroyed by those attacks.

    While worn, the Armoire also prevents the character from attacking or seeing anything going on around it.


    Wristband of Time:

    This leather band with a stainless steel buckle accurately keeps time through use of the sundial medallion it bears.


    Cloak of Reduced Discomfort:

    A woolen cloak which, when worn, reduces the discomfort of cold, wind, and rain.
    Last edited by brian 333; 2021-02-27 at 10:55 AM.

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    Ettin in the Playground
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    Quote Originally Posted by brian 333 View Post
    Cloak of Reduced Discomfort:

    A woolen cloak which, when worn, reduces the discomfort of cold, wind, and rain.
    I want this cloak.

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    Quote Originally Posted by noob View Post
    I want this cloak.
    Then you may also be interested in a matching pair of Boots of Riding.

    These boots are designed to cradle the feet of one who spends time in the saddle. Unfortunately, they will not allow their wearer to walk or run. They are, after all, riding boots.

    And I can offer this Belt of Human Strength, which grants one the strength of a human, (STR 10.)

    And you know what? You look like a nice guy. If you buy all three I'll throw in this Hood of Concealment. It effectively conceals your features from all viewers. It incidentally totally blocks the wearer's vision, but that's a small price to pay for a foolproof© disguise.

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    Ettin in the Playground
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    Quote Originally Posted by brian 333 View Post
    And I can offer this Belt of Human Strength, which grants one the strength of a human, (STR 10.)
    It would increase my str score by 9.

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    Got a couple more of these for y'all.

    In my mind, a well-designed joke item either (a) seems useless at first but actually turns out to be useful if you're creative, or (b) is a pun that sounds like it does one thing but actually does another, and is also useful, but perhaps not as much as you originally thought it would be.

    Ring of Resurrection
    Wondrous item, very rare

    Any creature who wears this ring will be brought back to life. Has no effect on creatures that are already dead. Once used, the wearer has to take off the ring before it will work on them again.

    What it actually does: True to its word, this ring brings anyone who wears it back to life. It does this by killing them as soon as they put the ring on, and then returning them to life the following dawn. Removing the ring doesn't stop them from returning to life, and if someone returns to life still wearing the ring, it won't kill them again until they remove the ring and put it back on. The ring also heals any injuries the body sustains while dead, so your body can't be double-killed or anything.

    This ring is actually potentially quite useful. You can use it to pretend to be dead, or to incapacitate someone else. It can even save your life. If, for example, you slip and fall off your airship from a lethal height, you can slip the ring on, as you're going to die either way, but now you'll get a free resurrection. This won't always be viable, though, as whatever threat you were trying to avoid might still exist when you wake up, and if thieves or scavengers find your body before your party does, you might find your inventory significantly lighter.

    Fake Ring of Fakeness
    Wondrous item, common/rare

    A cheap forgery of the Ring of Fakeness. Has no magical properties whatsoever.

    What it actually does: There's a 50% chance this is an authentic Ring of Fakeness. The Ring of Fakeness cloaks itself in powerful illusions that foil most attempts to properly identify it. You can identify a Ring of Fakeness by casting Dispel Magic on it, followed within 10 minutes by Detect Magic and Identify, and then passing a DC 30 Arcana check (DC 20 if you have truesight or you cast True Seeing). Once you properly identify the Ring of Fakeness, you can transfer its magic to another item temporarily. As an action, you can touch an item while wearing the ring, and that item becomes cloaked in illusions that make the item seem like a cheap forgery. If the item is a magic item, it appears to have no magical properties and can't be identified as magical. If it is a mundane item, it appears to be non-functional. If it is a work of art or a document, it appears to be a fake copy. The transfer lasts for up to 1 hour and can be canceled at any time. During that time, the Ring of Fakeness is exposed and can be identified as easily as any other magic item.

    Great for framing people, or scamming quest givers by making the item they sent you to fetch look like a fake.

    Unstoppable Arrow
    Weapon (dart, ammunition), rare

    This arrow can be shot from a bow or crossbow, or throw like a dart. Just don't expect to ever see it again.

    What it actually does: Simply put, once you attack with the unstoppable arrow, it, well, doesn't stop. It can, and will, punch a hole through the planet if you shoot it downward. Not a very big hole, so it won't really hurt the planet, but it will go all the way through and then sail off into the infinite cosmos. After you attack with the arrow, any creature in a line from where you threw/shot it has to pass a DEX save DC 15 or take damage as if hit by the arrow. If the arrow impacts an Immovable Rod in its immovable state, both items are destroyed in a magical explosion that deals 10d10 force damage to anyone in a 60 foot radius.

    Rod of Rulership
    Weapon (mace), common

    A flattened rectangular rod with evenly spaced markings. Helps you know the measure of all things.

    What it actually does: Yeah, it's a ruler. By touching it to objects, it magically tells you its length, width, height, and even weight. If you have the proper tool proficiency, you can sketch out schematics for the item you've measured, but the rod only informs you about the physical dimensions and not any other properties of the object. You can also beat people with it, I guess.

  26. - Top - End - #26
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    Ring of the Invisible Junkie

    The wearer of this ring will become invisible

    What it Actually Does It makes you invisible but using it is also highly addictive and leads to physical and mental symptoms compararable to the abuse of hard drugs. And yes, this is a spoof on the Ring of Power from LotR.

    Quote Originally Posted by lacco36 View Post
    Ring of Balance

    Provides +5 to all rolls.
    At the same time provides -5 to all rolls.
    Ring of Perserverance Against Adversity
    Provides a +5 morale bonus to all rolls and a -5 luck penalty to all rolls

    Quote Originally Posted by lacco36 View Post
    Cloak of Indescribable Beauty

    It is a really beautiful cloak. Everybody will like it and will comment on the ugliness of the wearer while wearing such a beautiful cloak.
    Dress of Indescribable Beauty

    Everyone agrees this dress is beautiful, but nobody can agree whether it's white and gold or blue and black
    Last edited by Bohandas; 2021-04-09 at 01:51 AM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bohandas View Post
    Ring of Perserverance Against Adversity
    Provides a +5 morale bonus to all rolls and a -5 luck penalty to all rolls
    Ring! Ring ring! RIIIIIIIIIIING!

    Ring of Rings
    When you put on this ring, it starts ringing. Provides bonus to sneaking (as the loud ringing covers the sound of character's footsteps) +5, but also provides bonus for spot/search for opponents at +5.

    Ring of Equal Opportunities
    You automatically gain an attack of opportunity against one enemy you can reach per round at the beginning of the round (regardless of initiative). The opponent automatically gains an attack of opportunity on the wearer at the same time.

    Ring of Rage
    Autofails every roll the wearer makes. Maximizes damage done to the wearer, minimizes damage done by the wearer. Every roll against the wearer autosucceeds. All this, while mocking the bearer. Try not to rage after a while.

    Ring of Mlt'y'Lve'l'M'k'ting
    A small, pyramid-shaped ring of strange, but fascinating design. The bearer of this ring can sell any amount of copies of this ring, at half value of this ring. The bearer's ring gains 1/2 value of the profits from each ring the people he sold a copy sell (and half of a half for another level). Every time this happens, he also loses - from his gold - 1/4 of the profit (so if a copy of a ring with value of 6gp is sold, bearer's ring gains 3gp of value, but he loses 1gp 10sp).
    If the bearer can not afford to pay the 1/4 up, he loses the ring.
    When the ring gets to the bearer, roll a 1d6 (dice explode at 6) to see the beginning value of the ring in gp.
    Every month, roll 1d20. If you roll a 1, the ring is lost due to action of lawful beings. If you roll a 20, double the value of the ring.
    The ring can not be sold or given away.
    By the way, would you like a ring...?
    Call me Laco or Ladislav (if you need to be formal). Avatar comes from the talented linklele.
    Formerly GMing: Riddle of Steel: Soldiers of Fortune

    Quote Originally Posted by Kol Korran View Post
    Instead of having an adventure, from which a cool unexpected story may rise, you had a story, with an adventure built and designed to enable the story, but also ensure (or close to ensure) it happens.

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    Armor of Invincibility

    This armor will render the wearer invulnerable to all but the most earthshattering of attacks

    What it does It grants total concealment and total cover from all sides. It also renders the wielder completely immobile because it's a 10'x10'x10' block of concrete and rebar with a person shaped hole in the middle. And it requires magic to don because the only opening is a little air hole. Still, a psionicist wearing a (proper) ring of sustanance might theoretically make good use of it if they could find a way to get it from place to place.

    Rod of Thespian Splendor

    The primary ability of this rod is to conjure a cheap costume that from a distance resembles noble garb worth 1d4+6 × 1,000 gp. It may do this Pnce per day for half a day.

    It also provides the bearer with a +2 bonus to Perform(Acting)

    Finally, once per week it can conjure an open air stage for a day
    Last edited by Bohandas; 2021-04-09 at 02:25 AM.
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    Ettin in the Playground
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    Default Re: Joke magic items from your back alley merchant

    Quote Originally Posted by Bohandas View Post
    Armor of Invincibility

    This armor will render the wearer invulnerable to all but the most earthshattering of attacks

    What it does It grants total concealment and total cover from all sides. It also renders the wielder completely immobile because it's a 10'x10'x10' block of concrete and rebar with a person shaped hole in the middle. And it requires magic to don because the only opening is a little air hole. Still, a psionicist wearing a (proper) ring of sustanance might theoretically make good use of it if they could find a way to get it from place to place.
    Dwarven mountain plate is almost that.
    Although the penalties of the dwarven mountain plate are more severe for casting and less severe for movement.
    Last edited by noob; 2021-04-09 at 06:53 AM.

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    Unerring Javelin
    This +1 javelin gains an additional +2 when thrown. If you miss your intended target when you throw the Unerring Javelin, it has a 50% chance to automatically hit the nearest creature to the target with a critical hit. On the other 50% chance, it automatically hits you with a critical. If you are the nearest creature to the target, it has a 100% chance to hit you if it misses the intended target.
    Last edited by sengmeng; 2021-04-09 at 07:28 AM.
    My Homebrew (Free to use, don't even bother asking. PM me if you do, though; I'd love to hear stories).

    Avatar done by me (It's Durkon redrawn as Salvador from Borderlands 2).

    Nod, get treat.

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