Corrupt a Wish III: Granted, but it's on Fire!

[Bucky]

Granted, the pillow fort is thirty miles wide and you're stranded in the middle with no food or water.

I wish I had plot armor.

[somethingrandom]

You are become the main character in a book where the author is obsessed with torturing the main character. Anyone you fall for is guaranteed to die in the most traumatic way possible. Nothing you do ever goes right you life becomes constant heart break and pain but you can never die no matter what you or anyone else does.

I wish I had taken better care of my teeth

[animorte]

Granted. You are renowned with the greatest teeth of the century. You have a multi-million dollar policy only for your teeth. Your smile is plastered on a wall in every city of the world. But nobody believes they're real and your parents were right, your face did get stuck that way.

I wish everybody was just a little more open-minded.

[Dire Moose]

Granted, everyone’s brains explode.

I wish I wasn’t having such a bad day.

[Gold Leaf]

Granted. It is now 11PM, the night right before that bad day.

I wish we could get more people RPing on the Nexus's new forum.

[Rogan]

I wish we could get more people RPing on the Nexus's new forum.

Granted. Unfortunately, the server is not designed to support that many people, so average loading times are 5 minutes, with a total crash every 12 hours.

I wish to reverse the last three wishes.

[Bucky]

Granted. In this exact order, the RP forum is abandoned after the server crash, Dire Moose's bad day is even worse the second time around, and people become incapable of understanding anything they don't already believe in.

I wish I understood astrophysics.

[Caerulea]

Astrophysics works exactly as according to your current understanding! This is very bad for the stability of the solar system.

I wish I wasn't lazy!

[Rogan]

I wish I wasn't lazy!

Granted. You turn into a workaholic and will suffer from burnout in approximately three days.

I wish I had some tasty food.

[Persolus]

I wish I had some tasty food.

Granted: your favourite meal appears in your throat. All of it. At once.

I wish to win a small lottery.

[somethingrandom]

I wish to win a small lottery.

Granted you win a small lottery you had not entered. The authorities immediately begin investigating you for fraud.

I wish it was easier to find a single bedroom flat in the city I live in.

[Rogan]

I wish it was easier to find a single bedroom flat in the city I live in.

Granted. It's very easy to find it, because all the walls are made from glass, so you can see this flat from all directions. Hope you don't mind the publicity.

I wish for an apple tree.

[Caerulea]

Unfortunately it's a Granny Smith apple tree. And were that not bad enough, it barely gives any apples.

I wish for an unlimited supply of tea.

[Dire Moose]

Granted. It’s scalding hot and poured directly into your eyes.

I wish I could teleport to anywhere in the universe, whenever I wanted to.

[animorte]

I wish I could teleport to anywhere in the universe, whenever I wanted to.

Granted. You spend the first few months teleporting to all the places on our planet you want to see. But then teleport out of the atmosphere to have a look at another planet and your gear doesn’t support the environment… oops.

I wish i had enough time to read and write all of the things on my mind.

[Persolus]

Granted. You've been teleported to a pocket universe with a blank notebook, a pen and a bookshelf. Any time you think of a book, it appears in the bookshelf; any time you think of something to write, another page appears in the notebook. You can't go back until the notebook has no blank pages and the bookshelf is empty.

No, the magic that gives you these books can't distinguish between idle thought and actual desire, why do you ask?

I wish to be able to understand any concept after studying it for an hour.

[Rogan]

I wish to be able to understand any concept after studying it for an hour.

Granted. Unfortunately somebody cursed you to always get interrupted after 45 minutes of any activity (including sleeping, sorry about this) and of course studying. If you try to resume your studies after resolving the interruption, you need to start again.

I wish I could see the future and change it.

[animorte]

Granted! You can see exactly 3 days, 49 minutes, and 12 seconds into the future. The still scene is exactly where you're sitting right now and you can change one thing.

I wish to be the owner of the supremely successful and rich NotAmazon^TM mentioned in another thread.

[Persolus]

Granted! You are now the owner of NotAmazon^TM in the world of said alternate thread - i.e. the "Rolled a 1" thread. Now, everything you (attempt to) do is treated as if it were a critical failure.

I wish to be the best cook in the world.

[Rogan]

I wish to be the best cook in the world.

Granted. Every person who can cook better than you dies. I hope you are good at cooking.

I wish I could drink any amount of alcohol without negative consequences.

[Bucky]

Granted! The alcohol will magically vanish out of your stomach, before your body can absorb any of it.

I wish I could cast Fireball.

[Persolus]

Granted!

You now cannot stop casting Fireball.

I wish I had the knowledge of what wish could be asked here that could not have any reasonable negative consequence attached to it.

[animorte]

Granted. You now know the precise question, but whenever you attempt to type it, speak it, or communicate it in any way, it will always come out as something else amusing that merely contributes to the thread's ongoing purpose. Perhaps you've been stuck this way all along, but I guess we'll never know.

I wish for the next person to burn the first wish ever requested on this particular thread.

[Rogan]

I wish for the next person to burn the first wish ever requested on this particular thread.

Granted, but the fire extinguisher explodes and floods the whole thread with foam.

I wish for a cleaner bot to remove this mess.

[animorte]

I wish for a cleaner bot to remove this mess.

Granted! Each wish (and its result) is very structurally organized out of this thread and they are all spread evenly throughout the entire forum.

I wish that my favorite threads are kindly distributed the least catastrophic results of this event.

[Bucky]

Granted! It turns out all your favorite threads were locked before the mess happened, to remain that way indefinitely, so the bots couldn't disturb them at all.

I wish for a space shuttle.

[Rogan]

I wish for a space shuttle.

Granted. It's the Challenger.

I wish <insert your name here> a great day.

[enq]

Granted. <insert your name here>'s idea of a great day revolves around you becoming terminally hyperflatulent.

I wish I could perform backflips.

[Persolus]

Granted. You can now perform backflips - specifically, a slapstick performance involving lots of pain.

I wish I could write essays well.

[animorte]

I wish I could write essays well.

Granted. You write exceptional essays, ones that could grant you awards and honors provided you ever were able to turn them in on time.

I wish my brownie business was real.