Corrupt a Wish III: Granted, but it's on Fire!

[bug_sniper]

I wish Rogan's ship had additional power so that it could have sufficient quantities of oxygen, gravity, and whatever animorte forgot to wish for.

[Dire Moose]

Granted, but the additional power is too much for the isomagnetic dekyon compensator to handle, so it blows out half the plasma relays on the ship, completely overloads the gravimetric field displacement manifold and depolarizes the phase inducers.

I wish I could understand what that even means.

[Rogan]

I wish I could understand what that even means.

Granted. From now on, you will understand any high tech (and pseudo-high tech) explanations and will be able to act on this understanding. However, you will misunderstand every normal human interaction in the worst way possible.

I wish I had a better time management.

[enq]

Granted. You will now spend several hours formulating your wishes, so that you don't end up with another one that makes you spend several hours formulating wishes.

I wish pigs could fly.

[somethingrandom]

Grafted
Pigs can now fly but only at speeds exceeding mach 8 and with minimal control, the results are both horrific and messy, this makes keeping pigs both exceptionally difficult and dangerous causes pork princes to skyrocket and introduces a new hazard to air travel. It doesn't take people long to come up with a new expression for how preposterous something is.

I wish current events were not interesting times. (in the sense of the curse may you live in interesting times

[ziproot]

Grafted
Pigs can now fly but only at speeds exceeding mach 8 and with minimal control, the results are both horrific and messy, this makes keeping pigs both exceptionally difficult and dangerous causes pork princes to skyrocket and introduces a new hazard to air travel. It doesn't take people long to come up with a new expression for how preposterous something is.

I wish current events were not interesting times. (in the sense of the curse may you live in interesting times

Granted, the universe is now at thermal equilibrium. Nothing can happen anymore, including life, which is definitely not interesting.

I wish to be transported to a parallel universe that is like what this universe was before the most recent wish was granted.

[Rogan]

I wish to be transported to a parallel universe that is like what this universe was before the most recent wish was granted.

Granted. You land in a parallel universe which is exactly like the one you were in before, only time shifted by 5 minutes. Good luck preventing the wish from being made, so you don't get stuck in an infinite loop.

I wish to escape to a universe where everything is the same or better than the 'original universe', but where wishes are fulfilled in the most helpful way possible instead of being corrupted.

[Olive_Sophia]

I wish to escape to a universe where everything is the same or better than the 'original universe', but where wishes are fulfilled in the most helpful way possible instead of being corrupted.

Granted, but you already used up your one wish.

I wish I could recover lost texts from ancient times, translated perfectly into modern english.

[Bucky]

Granted, but they don't come with the context that would make them significant. Not even the identity of their original languages.

I wish to ascend to a higher plane of existence.

[Dire Moose]

Granted, you ascend to the heavens. Because you’re dead.

I wish Bucky left me everything in his will.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

Congratulations! You've inherited the entire universe! Now if only anyone recognized it as legally binding or pertaining to things Bucky didn't actually own.

I wish I didn't get a tummy ache from eating too close to bedtime.

[MutantDragon]

Congratulations! You've inherited the entire universe! Now if only anyone recognized it as legally binding or pertaining to things Bucky didn't actually own.

I wish I didn't get a tummy ache from eating too close to bedtime.

Granted! You can no longer ingest food, so you'll never have to worry about that again. See you in about five days.

I wish I could sleep at will.

[bug_sniper]

You gain the ability to sleep at will and it's actually a common ability. A faction of thieves has learned to find people who use this ability and pickpocket and burglarize them while they are sleeping. if you set any alarms, they will wake you up every time you try to sleep at will.

I wish that upgrading my ram was as simple as downloading more ram.

[Dire Moose]

Granted, you can now download upgrades for your ram. Do you want to make it run faster, give it bigger horns, or make it grow wool more quickly?

I wish I could breathe underwater just as easily as I currently can in air.

[MutantDragon]

Granted, you can now download upgrades for your ram. Do you want to make it run faster, give it bigger horns, or make it grow wool more quickly?

I wish I could breathe underwater just as easily as I currently can in air.

Granted! Good luck breathing anything else...


I wish I could download information directly to my brain.

[bug_sniper]

Granted, but the only information you can download is heartless rich-person propaganda and 1984 style propaganda telling you to fight in an ineffectual war.

I wish for a room temperature superconductor and a working room temperature fusion reactor.

[Bucky]

Granted! This lump of pure aluminum is currently at room temperature, but it'll superconduct if you cool it down to 1 kelvin. And the fusion reactor uses a compact particle accelerator to bombard such an aluminum target with deuterium, producing traces of silicon; too bad it's so energy intensive to operate.

I wish for a black box with a plug that can power such a fusion reactor forever.

[Starlit Dragon]

So, funny thing. Something about the world's metaphysics mean that the only things that can produce that much power are sapient and have free will. This black box is capable of powering the fusion reactor forever, but it feels immense agony every second it does. So it won't.

I wish for the dragons to come back. (I don't mind if they kill people. They're allowed.)

[MutantDragon]

Granted! They come back, take one look at you, vomit, and collectively decide to go extinct.


I wish for a paper bag.

[Dire Moose]

Granted. You are stuffed into it and it is on fire.

I wish for a friendly talking dinosaur.

[politesociety]

Granted! You have a friendly talking Dinosaur chicken nugget. It can't move, and once the nugget goes bad it will die. Otherwise enjoy your new friend.

I wish for Q.

[Rogan]

I wish for Q.

Granted. You get a very large Q on your keyboard, it's so big it replaces w a and s.

I wish for an alarm clock which will wake me up at a time of my choosing, feeling well rested.

[Bucky]

Granted. But the well-restedness is transient and you'll fall asleep again in a few minutes. Pro tip, you really want to be sitting down for that.

I wish to become dictator.

[Dire Moose]

Granted. Your dictatorial rule is so unpopular that your people rebel, overthrow you, and publicly execute you.

I wish I could instantly teleport anywhere in the world at will.

[politesociety]

By the filing of your drive, you get to teleport but inflicted by unending hunger.


I believe in computer young.

[bug_sniper]

Granted. Computers are now just a dream of young artillerymen who believe that someday in their lifetime, technology will evolve to make their calculations faster and more precise.

I wish I could get a raise at work.

[Bucky]

Granted, your cubicle has been moved onto the roof.

I wish it would rain enough to end this drought, but not so rapidly as to cause flash floods.

[Dr.Gunsforhands]

Oh, fine. I'll just have to settle for an extra-long regular flood instead.

I wish I could be in two places at once.

[Dire Moose]

Granted. You are chopped in half.

I wish the train simulator game I was trying to play earlier wasn’t constantly malfunctioning.

[ChrysalisM]

Granted. You are chopped in half.

I wish the train simulator game I was trying to play earlier wasn’t constantly malfunctioning.

Granted. Now your computer is constantly malfunctioning.

I wish that there was a official pokemon splatbook for 5e.