Corrupt a Wish III: Granted, but it's on Fire!

[Velaryon]

Granted! Unfortunately, the process of bringing it into the real world drained the battery, and you do not have the means to recharge it.

I wish insects could not come within 100 feet of me, and would be forced to flee if I came within 100 feet of them.

[totadileplayz]

Granted! All life including the bacteria in your gut are repelled to 100 feet through brutal telekinetic force. You are a walking weapon for as long as you live too bad you can't eat digest anything.

I wish for the world to end with me

[paddyfool]

Very well! The whole inner world of your mind will perish with you.

I wish I was in New Zealand.

[Dire Moose]

Granted. You are teleported to New Zealand. Specifically, the White Island volcano on 9 December 2019.

I wish for paddyfool to survive the eruption.

[Gravitron5000]

Great. Now paddyfool is an enraged lava monster. I really didn't need this first thing on a Monday.

I wish for a vat of liquid nitrogen that is large enough to extinguish a lava monster, for ... reasons.

[Rogan]

Granted, but it will be emptied on you immediately.

I wish for the thing my list of best wishes (see overkill wish granting) lists as number 404.

Spoiler: Quote

Show

You receive a list of the 1,000,001 Best Wishes of All Time, as voted on by a panel of 300,000 genies.

[Velaryon]

Wish 404: Error Not Found.

You are now incapable of ever making a mistake or ever being wrong about anything. This makes everyone find you quite insufferable and now no friends, family, strangers, or even pets want to hang out with you.

I wish I could get a look at that list too.

[Bucky]

Granted, but deferred until just after the last wish you'll ever make. Enjoy your million-and-one regrets.

I wish my phone battery were always fully charged.

[Caerulea]

Phone batteries are drained by phone usage, so you can't use it anymore and it'll stay charged.

I wish it wasn't so damn hot.

[Lacco]

Oh, well. Hell freezes, all the locals blame you and want to take out their frustrations on you.

I wish it were raining elephants with very small umbrellas outside.

[Rogan]

Oh, well. Hell freezes, all the locals blame you and want to take out their frustrations on you.

I wish it were raining elephants with very small umbrellas outside.

Granted, but you have to clean this ugly mess.

I wish I had some friends who are not intimidated by my perfect self.

[totadileplayz]

Granted, but you have to clean this ugly mess.

I wish I had some friends who are not intimidated by my perfect self.

Granted due to a lack of your personal perfection. You are now far more likely to make mistakes then a normal person, and this allows you to be endeared by others.

I wish I could fly into the sky for a piece of rye.

[Lacco]

You flew into the sky, you caught that piece of rye...right into your eye. Can't get it out now.

I wish to know all the dead languages.

[paddyfool]

Congratulations, your brain is expanded and overwritten so that you are now a living library of every human language that is no longer spoken. Unfortunately, you forget everything else, including who you are, and all your basic motor functions in the process. This means you can't actually speak or write in any language... Or do much of anything else, for a good while.

I wish for this knowledge of dead languages to be safely transferred to a computer database for scholars to study.

[Dire Moose]

Granted. It’s transferred to the database used by your government’s intelligence agency for keeping track of major threats to your country. The sudden addition of lots of data to a database not designed to handle it overloads and crashes the system. You are now in jail for launching a cyberattack, and all sorts of things get bombed while the system is offline.

I wish I had a Ph.D.

[totadileplayz]

Granted. It’s transferred to the database used by your government’s intelligence agency for keeping track of major threats to your country. The sudden addition of lots of data to a database not designed to handle it overloads and crashes the system. You are now in jail for launching a cyberattack, and all sorts of things get bombed while the system is offline.

I wish I had a Ph.D.

Granted you now have an acidic letter D I believe it was once a magnet, but the magnet part fell off. Anyways here you go. A Ph.D.

I wish I have a doctorate in how to remove rye from people's eyes.

[Bucky]

I don't even need to corrupt that one. The degree makes underwater basket weaving look useful. But I'll put in the extra effort and make sure you need vision in both eyes to perform the procedure correctly, or you risk permanently blinding the patient.

I wish for enough food to solve world hunger for the next century.

[Dire Moose]

Granted. It is all force-fed to you at once and you die of gutsplosion.

I wish I had a private jet.

[Rogan]

I wish I had a private jet.

Granted, but nobody is willing to pilot the jet. And if you try to do it yourself, you will crash.

I wish this was the overkill wish granting thread.

[paddyfool]

Granted! All giantitp forum threads are now combined into one. Good luck keeping track...

I wish for a holiday

[farothel]

Granted. Here is a 10-day holiday. It's also the length of the quarantine in the country you're going to and you have to spend it in your hotel room. the crappy budget hotel the government has put aside for this.

I wish to win the Tour de France.

[Rogan]

I wish to win the Tour de France.

Granted. Some crazy fans knock every other contestants out. You win the Tour, but nobody takes you serious. There is also an investigation ongoing to make sure you didn't plan for the attacks. Right now, it looks like you will be found guilty...

I wish for more action in the OotS Trivia thread.

[Bucky]

Already granted two wishes previously. All giantitp forum threads are combined into one. Good luck keeping track...

I wish I could instantly discern the intent behind any forum post just by looking at it.

[Gravitron5000]

We'll just remove your eyes then. Dr. Gunsforhands to surgery, STAT!

I wish for Bucky to have sonar powers.

[Rogan]

I wish for Bucky to have sonar powers.

Granted, but only if you answer a OotS trivia question and ask the next one. Oh, and the sonar power will anger every dog coming to within 250m.

I wish for flat_footed to be a wolf, sunny to remain adorable and the ability to create cheap, isolated copper wire in the antique.

Bonus points if you find the threads referenced here.

[Lacco]

No problem. All wolves are now flat footed, sunny and adorable and are able to create to isolated antique copper wire for free. You just have to pull it out of their backside.

I wish to get bonus points even if I did not find anything.

[Gravitron5000]

Everything is made up and the points don't matter. Also, we may not know who's line it is, but we know it's not yours.

I wish to find something.

[farothel]

Here's an atomic bomb. FBI is also searching for it but it's yours now. Have fun explaining.

I wish to become the CEO of a fortune 500 company.

[totadileplayz]

Granted as a last ditch effort before the corporation dissolves due to multiple illicit and illegal acts they decide to appoint a new figurehead for all of their positions at complete random hoping that they can pin all of their illicit dealings on you and the other schmucks who decided to take them up on the offer. You are now the CEO along with several other random strangers in presidential, vice presidential and other important positions. no one else having the slightest bit of experience and in a week you will likely be imprisoned for multiple crimes. But hey it is a fortune 500 company maybe you can steer out of the mess the company created for you?

I wish that no one could pin any blame on me.

[Dire Moose]

No, you’re certainly not to blame. However, you did have a large amount of your personal funds invested in that company. You lose everything in the crash and have to give up all of your most treasured possessions to pay off your debts.

I wish that the combination of my spouse being hospitalized with a nasty infection, the toilet leaking through the ceiling, and the cat tearing apart my laptop’s keyboard that occurred this weekend NEVER HAPPENED.