Corrupt a Wish III: Granted, but it's on Fire!

[Rogan]

I wish for a movie based on the famous RPG... F.A.T.A.L. (that I do not have to watch!)

Granted. They make a movie and you don't have to watch it. However, you have to keep listening to basicaly everybody around you talking about it. You have to see screenshots and short clips posted everywhere on the web. Your friends and family will be disapointed if you won't join them to (re)watch the movie. Of course, you can decline, but do you realy wish to do so...?
If you finaly give in and watch the film, it will be much worse than you could ever imagined, by the way.

I wish for a nice, cool glas of water.

[Bucky]

You just flooded the town of Glastonbury, England. On the bright side, you did bring them relief from their heat wave. Unfortunately, as their local geology usually prevents water from accumulating in town, they didn't have adequate drainage and suffered extensive property damage.

I wish for a luxury condo downtown.

[Dire Moose]

Granted, but it shares a wall with the really cheap motel next door. So you get your luxury condo, but it’s infested with cockroaches, rats, bedbugs, and all sorts of other fun stuff.

I wish my best friend lived in the same town as me instead of on the other side of the continent.

[Gravitron5000]

They now have a condo in your home town that is their primary residence for tax purposes, even if they are still on the other side of the continent. They can't afford the mortgage though, so not really the best of decisions.

I wish for a hot tub.

[+5 Vorpal Bunny]

You have a tub filled with hyper-compressed hydrogen and oxygen. The resultant fusion reaction sets you, the tub and the whole town on fire.

I wish for a cold sub.

[Dire Moose]

Granted. You get a nuclear submarine that’s been patrolling the Arctic Ocean. It hits you with a torpedo.

I wish I had a pet dinosaur.

[+5 Vorpal Bunny]

Birds are dinosaurs, right? You get an old, ragged-sounding parrot that Won't. Shut. Up.

I wish to teach said parrot all the swear words. Yes, even THAT one.

[Gravitron5000]

Whenever someone gets mad, the parrot tells them that Vorpal Bunny told him to sat that. Expect a lot of people looking for you and itching to fight.

I wish to launch that parrot into the sun. You never can be too careful with these things.

[bug_sniper]

Granted, but the sun will pulse in morse code and operator astronomers will tape these swear words and will get the message that you told the sun all these insults.

I wish I could interpret morse code.

[Velaryon]

Granted, but you start to see and hear Morse code in everything, from the rhythms in songs to the flickering of street lights to your own heartbeat. And every single message is making fun of you about the thing you're most sensitive about.

I wish my insurance company would just shut up and pay bills like they're supposed to, and not try to meddle in my health care decisions.

[Gravitron5000]

They start meddling in your personal life instead. You've got so many blind dates that have been set up based on data extrapolated from actuary tables.

I wish for a doomshour device (I don't want to be greedy with a whole doomsday).

[Dire Moose]

The device causes you to spend one hour in the demonic nightmare universe of the DOOM video games. Unfortunately, you aren’t the Doomguy and you don’t have any weapons, so...

I wish for world peace.

[Velaryon]

Unfortunately, you failed to specify which world. I hear Neptune is quite peaceful these days. Earth, on the other hand...

I wish I had a robot personal chef who cooked meals to my exact preferences and always did a good job.

[+5 Vorpal Bunny]

He follows all the rules to the letter, except he replaces all instances of meat with human flesh. Don't ask where he got it.

I wish to conjure any kind of pizza I want, that is also always delicious, perfectly-made and completely healthy.

[Caerulea]

Sure! Unfortunately you also have to pay for the pizza, and such good pizza is expensive. Your credit card is charged $50 every time you conjure some.

I wish I had friends at my college.

[farothel]

Everybody at your college is your friend now. Unfortunately that also means they will drop by day and night, making you unable to study (or sleep) and you flunk out.

I wish to have a nice, well build, legally mine, not stolen, full size house.

[Snowblaze]

Granted! Just... ignore the screams coming from the cellar. They're only the ghosts of past residents who were murdered by the evil spirit. (Note: death-by-evil-spirit is not covered by your insurance.)

I wish to have more time which I can use productively.

[Gravitron5000]

Stranded on a deserted island it is! Hope you can be productive at building shelter and finding food/water, because that's all you'll have time for.

I wish for a mojito.

[bug_sniper]

Granted, but it's not shaken until after the soda water is added, resulting in an unpleasantly flat drink.

I wish there was a religion in which the god doesn't use any scapegoats.

[Bucky]

The god's refusal to use scapegoats, or blameshifting in general, means you must bear the extensive consequences your own faults. Since you wished for the religion in the first place, that includes partial responsibility for the ensuing purge of those whose guilt had heretofore been shifted onto others.

I wish for a life-sized golden statue of a goat.

[Dire Moose]

Granted. It’s air-dropped directly onto your head.

I wish I had wings and could fly.

[paddyfool]

Granted. You're now a mayfly, with the usual lifespan.

I wish for sunshine and rainbows!

[Gravitron5000]

LASERS REFRACTED THROUGH PRISMS TO THE FACE!!!!!

I wish for an apple pie.

[Caerulea]

You may have this rotten apple. I carved it to resemble the greek letter pi.

I wish I could redo this week.

[Dire Moose]

Granted, you’re stuck in a Groundhog Day time loop where you’re constantly reliving the same week over and over again.

I wish I hadn’t lost my Swiss Army Knife.

[Book Wombat]

Granted, but now it's stuck on your dominant hand's palm with all tools permanently open.

I wish for three wish fish.

[Rogan]

I wish for three wish fish.

Granted, you get three fish capable of casting wish at will. Unfortunately, they are under no obligation to help you in any way, instead they use their wishes to annoy you in many little and creative ways.

I wish for a bottle of water.

[farothel]

No problem, here is one bottle of Fukoshima water, straight from the reactor. It even glows in the dark.

I wish to have better TV shows on the TV.

[bug_sniper]

Granted, but only if you buy a satellite dish.

I wish I had a monopoly on satellite dishes.

[Bucky]

Granted! You're now the only one who can make satellite dishes. Unfortunately, that means nobody can help you make them.

I wish for a magic feather.