Corrupt a Wish III: Granted, but it's on Fire!

[Rogan]

I wish for a magic feather.

Granted. You grow exactly one magic feather on the tip of your nose. It is annoying, partly obscuring your vision and worst of all, the magic makes sure it can't be removed.

I wish for magic scissors, capable of cutting magic feathers.

[paddyfool]

Granted. They are animated and sentient, however, and given any opportunity they prefer to cut off fingers.

I wish for tasty pasta (not containing fingers)

[Dire Moose]

Granted. The pasta is delicious and contains no fingers. It does, however, contain plenty of arsenic.

I wish my house would just clean itself.

[Mariah]

Granted your house is now self cleaning of everything accept it now sees everything as germs or dirt that needs to be cleaned. Needless to say nothing is left in the house anymore.

I wish for a world where everyone gets along

[Rogan]

I wish for a world where everyone gets along

Granted. Everybody who doesn't get along with anybody else immediately dies. On the bright side, this means nobody will blame you for this mess and survive.

I wish for indestructible mobile phones.

[Gravitron5000]

Multiple Nokia 3310s incoming at high velocity! Aimed at the groin!

I wish for indestructible modern mobile phones.

[bug_sniper]

Indestructible giant iPhones. Whenever you buy an app, an ebook, or a movie, you have to pay Apple another 42.9% of the cost and can only use it on iPhones because there's no other app store. Also, the iPhones are too big to fit into your pocket. Also, you have to buy lightning cables, which get tangled in everything.

I wish for better app and cable inter-compatability.

[Dire Moose]

Granted. You have been assimilated and are now one with the Borg. All apps and cables can now be wired directly into your brain.

I wish Star Trek (the Original Series) hadn’t been cancelled.

[Rogan]

I wish Star Trek (the Original Series) hadn’t been cancelled.

Granted, but the quality drops so much, you wish it had ended instead.

I wish I could read people's intentions.

[bug_sniper]

Granted but whenever you do it, you get a migraine.

I wish for a cure to migraines.

[+5 Vorpal Bunny]

Ever heard of Exploding Head Syndrome?

I wish for a dish with a fish that is delish.

[farothel]

No problem, you get some fugu sushi from a chef who just started his training.

I wish that my new house was already finished.

[Rogan]

No problem, you get some fugu sushi from a chef who just started his training.

I wish that my new house was already finished.

Granted, unfortunately the cost increases by 500% for the faster building time and the bank threatens to take the house for itself.

I wish I would own farothels bank.

[Bucky]

Granted! An anonymous whistleblower discovered that they've been cooking the books for decades and are insolvent, and it's your job to oversee the ensuing collapse to refund as much of the bank's deposits as possible.

I wish she could just understand my feelings for her.

[bug_sniper]

Granted but she doesn't understand how to work, cook, bathe, take care of kids, do laundry, or show affection in return.

I wish I could lift and wield Thor's hammer.

[Velaryon]

Granted, but he needs it back along with the rest of his tools that you borrowed last week. And it's not Mjolnir, just a regular hammer.

I wish there was a shortcut that would shave about 2 hours off the drive from my place to my parents.

[Rogan]

I wish there was a shortcut that would shave about 2 hours off the drive from my place to my parents.

Granted, but it's private property and the owner is very trigger happy.

I wish I'd knew somebody who can cast resurrection.

[farothel]

Sure, your arch enemy knows the spell. He doesn't really feel the need to cast it for you.

I wish I never had any internet connection problems and could always connect with broadband speeds.

[Velaryon]

Granted, but all that's left on the internet are TikTok videos of people dancing badly and videos of people whose politics are the opposite of yours ranting while driving their car.

I wish junk food was healthy but still tasted good.

[Rogan]

I wish junk food was healthy but still tasted good.

Granted, unfortunately the price increases tenfold.

I wish you were here...

[Dire Moose]

Granted. And by “you,” you obviously meant Orcus. Hope you two have fun together!

I wish I had my beautiful singing voice again (male puberty destroyed it).

[Velaryon]

Granted, you have the singing voice you had as a child... with bronchitis. And you can only sing, never speak.

I wish I could afford the new, more expensive but healthier and still tasty junk food.

[Gravitron5000]

Granted, but it's only available from a vending machine, somewhere in the middle of the Sahara.

I wish for a vending machine dowsing rod.

[Starlit Dragon]

Here's a dousing rod from a vending machine.


I wish to be beautiful, in an inhuman way. I'm fine with having inhuman psychology with it.

[Dire Moose]

Granted. You are now the world’s most beautiful aardvark.

I wish for a vacation.

[Rogan]

I wish for a vacation.

Granted. As soon as you arrive at your destination, the corvid regulations get stricter and you have to stay quarantined the whole time. In a small hotel room without window or room service.

I wish for an automatic fire extinguisher in the whole forum.

[bug_sniper]

Ok. The entire Roman Forum is crushed under a giant fire extinguisher.

I wish for a bag of holding.

[Gravitron5000]

I sewed some burlap arms on this potato sack for you. If you position the arms just right, they kind of feel like they are holding you.

I wish for a good recipe for these potatoes that no longer have a sack to be stored in.

[TwilightSandwic]

Okay, you've got a great recipe worthy of a five-star resturant... but the extra ingredients are gonna cost you like a million dollars.

I wish I could eat as much chocolate as I want without damaging my health.

[Taffimai]

I wish I could eat as much chocolate as I want without damaging my health.

Granted, but now you're allergic to everything else.


I wish I owned a huge library that contained every book ever written.