Things I May No Longer Do While Playing 13: This Is A Banned List Not A Drinking Game

[Socksy]

* I may not suggest that dwarves have larval stages
** I may not suggest that dwarves lay eggs
*** I may not suggest that dwarves must perform a "mating dance" as part of the courtship process.
***I may no longer speculate on any part of dwarf* biology

*or elf or gnome or halfling

**** I may not imply any of the following are true about humans when speaking to non-humans.
***** Or when speaking to small human children.

[Bohandas]

*Drawing illustrations on a Cards Against Humanity game set does not make it a tarot deck
**A Little Boy Who Won't Shut Up About Dinosaurs does not symbolize reflection and contemplation
***It doesn't matter whether it's upright or reversed

****Similarly, there were no Cards Against Humanity cards in Alice In Wonderland
*****The beheadings were ordered by the Queen of Hearts, not by David Bowie Riding In On A Tiger Made Of Lightning
EDIT:
******Not even all standard playing cards were in that book
*******Alice did not fight The Joker

[Socksy]

* I am not a Strix who has a shotgun, fighting till the war's won, I don't care if Desna won't take me back.

[Tohron]

* My Cleric may not worship Pun Pun
** They may not freely choose from all domains in existence
*** They may not ask for obscure knowledge when praying
**** They definitely cannot ask for build advice

[Rockphed]

Outside of "Paranoia" or a cold war game I cannot have the enemy be communist infiltrators.
* "Infiltraitors" are not especially sneaky double agents.
** In a spy game my character should have some sort of skill that is directly applicable to covert operations.
*** Investing all my points in Profession (comic books), luck, and brawl does not make me Condorman.
**** Putting all my points in seduction does not make me Bond.
***** Taking boozer and fat as flaws is fine. Using the points to increase my seduction score is not.
****** I cannot spend all my build points on obscure central Asian languages for a game set in WW2 France.
******* If my character has a ship on his character sheet he should have some points put toward being able to either steer or maintain it, preferably both.

Don Knotts is not a character class.

[Telok]

******* If my character has a ship on his character sheet he should have some points put toward being able to either steer or maintain it, preferably both.

Don Knotts is not a character class.

Ship? That's what minions & hirelings are for. You don't need no stinkin lever flippin skills.

And you aren't trying hard enough with your character class.

[KorvinStarmast]

Outside of "Paranoia" or a cold war game I cannot have the enemy be communist infiltrators.

yes you can.

**** Putting all my points in seduction does not make me Bond.

yes it does.

Don Knotts is not a character class.

Hard to disagree with this.

[Rockphed]

Ship? That's what minions & hirelings are for. You don't need no stinkin lever flippin skills.

Presumably you have spent build resources on said minions and/or hirelings, and the more you spend the more reliably they control/maintain the ship. I am talking "roll on the Ulysses table whenever you use the ship" territory here. "I take us out to sea!" leads to "you have entered the great sandy desert, which is 500 km from the nearest ocean."

[Telok]

Presumably you have spent build resources on said minions and/or hirelings, and the more you spend the more reliably they control/maintain the ship. I am talking "roll on the Ulysses table whenever you use the ship" territory here. "I take us out to sea!" leads to "you have entered the great sandy desert, which is 500 km from the nearest ocean."

Depends on the game. Could be 1/7th of a character's background options in some, or just a share of money in others.

[Rater202]

My Bard Song cannot be "Do the Bartman" or "Time to do the Urkel."

[Socksy]

"roll on the Ulysses table whenever you use the ship"

I would love to see (and use) such a table. I wonder if anyone has made it?

* All weird and unexpected time-consuming rules snares will be adjucated or handwaved by the GM during the combat and discussed/figured out properly after the session. Not the other way around.

[Persolus]

* My monk may not panic when faced with an unknown entity, claim it has to extremely problematic, talk myself and the party down into realising it can't be that bad, and then poke it.
** In an unrelated note, I cannot call off a tactical strike on a suspected Hag's hut and instead knock on the door.
*** In an also unrelated note, I cannot touch a dagger that can cut through solid rock and was left behind by an extremely over-leveled Drow wizard that was going easy on us.
***(*) I cannot then test this dagger on party NPCs.
***(**) I cannot keep this dagger if it comes back when I throw it.
***(***) Especially if it doesn't read as magical but gives resistance to Necrotic damage.
**** In a further unrelated note, I cannot stand up for helpless old men who appear to have just had their friends slaughtered without verifying that they aren't part of a criminal organisation.

It's not my fault that Indiana Jones the Dwarf^TM is too darn good at guessing! ... but it is my fault for second-guessing.

[Bohandas]

*Emperor Palpatine did not learn the ways of the force from Tony Robbins
**UNLIMITED POWER!

[KorvinStarmast]

* I may no longer fall asleep 2 hours and 45 minutes into our Blades in the Dark session. (On line play, time of sleep estimated as 10:20 PM).
** Having to work the next day is no excuse.
*** May not put off my note in discord asking "So, how did the Score end up" despite the ribbing I shall receive.

Spoiler: The Arggh factore

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(Worst of all, I'd done a lot of the negotiating to get this job, our Score, and had passed the dangerous item to our Lurk who got a crit success to sneak into where we were planting it; as we waited for her to come out, one of the players went AFK, and I sort of relaxed ... and woke up to a blank Discord chat that said "Thanks for coming everyone, see you next session")

[Lord Raziere]

* May not kill someone by summoning them from five seconds in the future to get hit by their own lethal attack, then start counting down.

[ReallySeamus]

I will not use "zesty" magic dirt from a teleportation circle as seasoning.

[Bohandas]

Jugglypuff does not evolve into Jigglypuffpuffpass

[Lord Raziere]

* May not at super speed, steal a guy's armor then hit his pressure points a million times then examine the armor remarking on how fascinating it is, only for them to fall over dead and remark on how I ironically cannot say they are already dead because they are already dead.
** Nor can I fist of the north star the next guy as well, remember that I'm a necromancer, bring back their confused soul just to say "You are already dead" to them, then dismiss them to the afterlife.
*** May not point to a zombie and say "you are already dead", thus making the zombie realize "oh, your right I am" then fall over dead without me doing anything.

[Rater202]

When playing Mafia, I shouldn't immediately eliminate people on my own team.

[Lord Raziere]

* may not claim that the next game I run is "DnD Homebrew" and when they get there and I show them a book from another ttrpg, when they ask, answer: "I'm running homebrew DnD, by replacing all the rules with the ones in this book. I'm a very lazy homebrewer you see."

* may not bomb a bank wall to get inside
** may not fonz-fix a computer to unlock it
*** May not bat yarnbombs as baseballs with my baseball bat to attack cops
**** may not leave a yarn-bomb lying around only to trip on it and blow up the base again
***** may not blow up a cop for copping a feel of one of my party members
****** There is no such thing as "Dogspiracy" and it is not behind everything.

[Bohandas]

A whip-sword is not just a regular sword that needs viagra

[Socksy]

* Should remember that if our twin Hollow Ones tell the rest of the party (Tradition mages) that we used to be one person before the Awakening, they'll actually believe us.
** And want to do experiments.

[TeChameleon]

* After accidentally dealing between 1/2 and 1/3 of every single party members' HP in damage to the entire party thanks to an artifact weapon meeting an AoE damage reflect, the correct response is not 'do it again to see if it happens every time'.

** Continuing to muck about with the damage-reflecting dragon-golem is not going to have any positive results unless you actually want a TPK.

*** Even if you're really, really curious about what would happen if you sovereign-glued it to the floor to see where the reflected damage would go if it ripped its own limbs off.

* Should probably point out to the DM (eventually) that tough, nasty single enemies with mediocre CON saves are basically Stunning Strike fodder that will end up being helplessly beaten to death when there's a monk in the party.

* When there's an enemy that does ungodly amounts of poison damage, with a nasty poison DoT on top of that, the level 10 monk should probably do something more than just laughing at them.

** Should probably be a little more cautious about how much glee I show telling the DM 'no they don't' when he starts to describe an enemy doing something that splats facefirst into a monk ability that negates whatever they're trying to do.

[DCraw]

* It is generally assumed that the other half of Half-X races is "Human", not "Bard"

[Telok]

Possibly a soon to be "no longer allowed":

*A doom clock where my DM notes on start with "No clue how to fix. Hope players come up with something before setting is destroyed."

[KorvinStarmast]

* May not, when protecting the bones of Saint Andral, tell the (attractive and haughty) vampire seeking them that "I've got yer bone right here!"
(The rest of the party seemed less than pleased with my lack of respect for the NPC)

** May no longer casually, when searching a house for a side quest item, ask the DM "as I open the dresser drawer, do I find any sex toys inside?" in an attempt at light humor.

Spoiler: Ix-nay on the oys-tay

Show

Final answer is "No, you'll never find sex toys in this campaign"

*** Must resist "OK, can I craft a few?" as a response. Must Resist!

Spoiler: Well, did you?

Show

Successful resistance roll made

[D&D_Fan]

As a DM, things I am not longer allowed to include:

* Making onhand references to 'Dora the Explorer' are explicitly banned.

* Making 4-dimensional dungeons is right out
** Same goes for 5-dimensional dungeons, of course.

* Players can no longer steal the souls of the homeless on the subway.
** Homeless people with personality disorders do not count as extra souls to sell to devils.

* Using the 'greased stairs trap' is considered "cruel and unusual"
** As is inflicting a 'spinal damage' injury.
*** Spikes and the bottom aren't helping according to latest poll.
**** The spikes were coated in purple worm venom as well, which is also a tad "unfair"

* Transmogrifying players' true form into chairs before turning them back to their starting race is forbidden.
** Especially when to will be coming into contact to antimagic, they will revert to being a chair, which is a tragedy.
*** It was right under a patch of wood-eating mold. RIP. To the player. And this genius trap, because I can't use it anymore.

[LecternOfJasper]

*I may not defeat robots using the Witchfinder Private Newton Pulsifer Existence Technique

That being, Newton Pulsifer (just trying to help) noticed a squeaky bearing and suddenly all the robots have flown apart in a waterfall of hydraulic confusion?

[Lord Raziere]

* May not steal an electric guitar weapon from an Ork
** May not learn musical martial arts from it
*** My reasoning for this may not be "Infernal Exalted are the rockstars of Hell, I have to learn how."
**** May not start singing anything by TM revolution or do anything Lang Wu Yao would do.

* May not cause a planetary revolution as a sidenote

[Telok]

If the ancient "kill all life" evil reawakened, a massive interstellar genocidal war, a nanotech hive mind grey goo scenario, and a demon lord ascending to god-hood by eating 30 star systems billions of inhabitants, are the least dangerous doom clocks going in the campaign...

Heck, I dunno anymore. That last set of players really had a bad habit of starting catastrophies and then running away. I hope the next group can do something about this mess.

I may no longer be allowed to have logical consequences to PC actions.