Things I May No Longer Do While Playing 13: This Is A Banned List Not A Drinking Game

[vasilidor]

Didn’t she canonically beat up Thanos?

yes. squirrel girl beat up Thanos.

[TeChameleon]

Didn’t she canonically beat up Thanos?

Squirrel Girl's very first appearance (plotted and drawn by Steve Ditko, no less!) was her beating the snot out of Doctor Doom. She tends to punch so far out of her weight class that even Batman is jealous, which for a long while was her primary joke. Although the Thanos fight was retconned as probably being one of Thanos'... clone-thingies (basically a purple Doombot, if we're being honest) by the guy who wrote the original Thanos vs Squirrel Girl thing, and I have no idea what the point of any of it was. And also I'm pretty sure the Thanos-Clones are supposed to have all the power and knowledge of the original, so I'm not sure what making it a clone rather than the original proves, exactly.

More on-topic...

* using tactics dreamed up to fight gods against level 10 characters is probably overkill
** using tactics dreamed up to fight gods against the aforementioned gods is hopefully not overkill, but either way, it's going to be very, very messy

* singing the Boot to the Head song isn't a battle cry, even if you're playing a monk
** even if you cross-class into bard for it, the first hint of Carl Douglas will result in rocks falling and your monk dying. Nobody else, just the monk

[Lord Raziere]

* My Orc fighter concept may not be "a bunch of dwarves found her when she was a babe and decided that since she was being raised by dwarves that she therefore was a dwarf"
** Cannot have her constantly refer to herself as a dwarf even though she is an orc on the reasoning that "a dwarf is a dwarf, no matter how tall, green or tusked they are."
*** She then cannot call human bandits that attack her "orcs" and claim that orcs are a social construct.

**** May not similarly call any big boss foe I come across a "dragon"
***** "orcs" is not the name for any small group of people that randomly attacks me out of nowhere.

* My construct character may not be a former scarecrow somehow brought to life
** May not be a College of Whispers Bard who hides by standing still and spreading their arms in a T-Pose

* May not point out that a balance between good and evil setting is technically grimbright because it means good can never truly win even if evil fortunately cannot either.
** Knowing that the cosmic conflict is basically pointless, may not just make a chaotic neutral wizard to work for my own desires and goals.

[Rater202]

* My response to my superhero character dying may not be: "She tells death she needs to be alive again; death sighs and gives her directions."
** Not even if my superhero character is based on Squirrel Girl.
*** My superhero character may not be based on Squirrel Girl.

*May not cite the time Spider-Man defeated Squirrel Girl in her own comic.

Didn’t she canonically beat up Thanos?

That's questionable.

In the Great Lakes Avengers Christmas Special, there was a running plot of Doreen making runs to the store only to defeat increasingly larger villains on the way, culminating in her in outer space for some reason standing over a badly injured Thanos while Uatu the Watcher confirms that it's not a clone, a copy, or an illusion.

Much later, Thanos claimed that he could make copies of himself that were so perfect that not even a Watcher could tell the difference. (though, honestly, beating a copy that perfect would be just like beating the original so...)

a later comic still indicates that Doreen did not fight one of those copies.

All three of those comics were Written by Dan Slott, who likes to troll readers... As anyone whose read his decade long Spider-Man run should well know.

[Anonymouswizard]

* May not point out that a balance between good and evil setting is technically grimbright because it means good can never truly win even if evil fortunately cannot either.
** Knowing that the cosmic conflict is basically pointless, may not just make a chaotic neutral wizard to work for my own desires and goals.

*** Cannot argue that attempting to end the universe is a Neutral Good act.
**** Even if I plan to replace it with one with no cosmological morality.
***** Cannot keep turning the universe off and on again until I get one I like.

[Kvess]

In the Great Lakes Avengers Christmas Special, there was a running plot of Doreen making runs to the store only to defeat increasingly larger villains on the way, culminating in her in outer space for some reason standing over a badly injured Thanos while Uatu the Watcher confirms that it's not a clone, a copy, or an illusion.

Much later, Thanos claimed that he could make copies of himself that were so perfect that not even a Watcher could tell the difference. (though, honestly, beating a copy that perfect would be just like beating the original so...)

a later comic still indicates that Doreen did not fight one of those copies.

All three of those comics were Written by Dan Slott, who likes to troll readers... As anyone whose read his decade long Spider-Man run should well know.

Comics are stories, not simulations. Batman preparing for a week to knock out Superman can be an interesting story. Superman knocking out Batman in 0.02 seconds might be the expected outcome, but it isn't much of a story, is it?

If you are a powerful supervillain, the lesson here is to be extremely careful around comic-relief characters. With such a mismatch in power and tone, the narrative weight is in favour of them somehow foiling your plan by throwing a squirrel at you.

Squirrel Girl defeating Thanos is funny. Thanos killing Squirrel Girl is just a downer.

[Telok]

If you are a powerful supervillain, the lesson here is to be extremely careful around comic-relief characters. With such a mismatch in power and tone, the narrative weight is in favour of them somehow foiling your plan by throwing a squirrel at you.

Squirrel Girl defeating Thanos is funny. Thanos killing Squirrel Girl is just a downer.

I think that one came up in the original thread, people not being allowed characters who are aware of narrative causality and ablw to abuse it.

[Bohandas]

I think that one came up in the original thread, people not being allowed characters who are aware of narrative causality and ablw to abuse it.

That's like the end of Star Wars 8;

"I want every gun we have to fire on that man! More! MORE!"

[KorvinStarmast]

Squirrel Girl defeating Thanos is funny. Thanos killing Squirrel Girl is just a downer.

I would rephrase that as Squirrel Girl defeating Thanos is funny. Thanos killing Squirrel Girl is hilarious in the hands of the write screenwriter. The key to success is in the put down line ...

* I may never again allow our druid (Shepherd) summon a nereid for an underwater battle with his Conjure Fey spell.

[Socksy]

* Despite the book failing to specify XP cannot be negative, I can't max out all my abilities and start play with several thousand negative XP.

[Anonymouswizard]

* I cannot abuse poor proofreading to take powers and talents that don't exist.
** This is not an excuse to homebrew overpowered versions.
*** Especially if I've worked out what the nonexistent options actually refer to.

[Lord Raziere]

* May not try to run a con on destiny itself
** May not try to make a replica of a sword in the stone then disguise myself as the chosen hero to kill the evil without the wait.
*** May not fake a bunch of deaths to try and prevent a prophecy saying those people will die
**** may not try disguising myself as the long-lost heir to the throne meant to bring order to the kingdom then do their job better than them
***** The villain may not in turn reveal all the prophecies to be lies to convince people he can only be defeated by a highly specific order of events that allow him to gain victory since he can exploit people following along with what they say.

[Telok]

***** The villain may not in turn reveal all the prophecies to be lies to convince people he can only be defeated by a highly specific order of events that allow him to gain victory since he can exploit people following along with what they say.

That's good. I may have to borrow it for a long run aboleth plot.

[Astral Avenger]

*May not surprise the DM with a flour explosion on the surprise round after negotiations break down.

* Must not only speak primordial during combat, even if 'the goblins might understand us if I share my plan in common.'
** Same applies for gnomish and infernal, especially since no one else in the party speaks either of them.

* Must warn the party before my sorcerer goes nova and 1-shots a green dragon wyrmling at level 5. (To be fair, the dragon failed the dex save for half damage and I had 7/8 dice from quickened lightning bolt rolled either a 5 or a 6. I wasn't expecting to pull off nearly that much damage, and then the ray of frost finished it off...)

[Rater202]

I cannot play a were-creature that never assumes its fully humanoid form as an excuse to get out of wearing pants.

[Anonymouswizard]

I cannot play a were-creature that never assumes its fully humanoid form as an excuse to get out of wearing pants.

** If we're playing in the UK I may go pantless, but trousers are nonoptional.
*** Being trousered does not remove the need for trousers.
**** This applies out of game as well.
** If my character is female the GM would like a word about blouses...

[Metastachydium]

I cannot play a were-creature that never assumes its fully humanoid form as an excuse to get out of wearing pants.

(This might be a good place to mention that I do actually have a hengeyokai character who's not even aware of having a human form, as well as a lizard character who's a lizard. Quite naturally, neither of them wear clothes.)

[Wookieetank]

*May not play a tiefling werewolf to sneak satyrs into the setting.
**Especially if satyrs already exist in setting.
***Creative use of partially transforming as a werecreature, while creative, are typically banned.

[Telok]

* May not go around knocking out druids and welding them into metal armor just to see what happens before my character takes their first druid level.
** May not then go all "exterminatus" on the heretical imposter druids when the PC fighter-druid welded into metal armor gets treated completely differently.
*** May not derail the entire campaign into a genocidal religious war based on DM forgetting and changing houserules week to week.
**** May not point out that the DM's rule of "spells do exactly what they say and only what they say" and a couple missing words in a spell logically result in the entire party getting to play additional copies of themselves.

[Rater202]

A gun that causes most people to go into cardiac arrest if it hits their center mass is not a non-lethal weapon.

[Lord Raziere]

* My rogue Dragon-Blooded magistrate may not have a Solar exalted archon as a retainer

* My Luka Sene member may not constantly needle the Jedi, knowing that they're supposed to be stoic and disciplined.
** they are not "proverb spouting monks"
*** May not respond to them by reciting "Fear leads to Anger which leads to Hatred which leads to Rock And Roll Music which leads to Drugs which leads to Wearing All Black, Red Lightsabers and a Bad Makeover"
**** May not refer to the Jedi recruitment method as "literally legalized kidnapping"
***** May not imitate a Jedi by acting like a stereotypical old master and muttering "what is the sound of one hand clapping? you have to look within yourself to save yourself from your other self. Only then will your true self reveal itself. the path to enlightenment... is the enlightenment of the path. that which leads to the dark side inevitably leads to the dark side of the Force. Remember that young padawan and you too will be enlightened in your enlightenment of the light side."
****** May not make the padawans wash my speeder and pretend its a secret martial arts lesson like in Karate Kid while pretending to be a Jedi
******* May not use the Force to replicate Fist of the North Star techniques

[Anonymouswizard]

* Any weapon which destroys the entire universe is one I'm not allowed to possess.
** Even if it remakes 99.9999999999999999999% of it afterwards.

[Rater202]

* My rogue Dragon-Blooded magistrate may not have a Solar exalted archon as a retainer

* My Luka Sene member may not constantly needle the Jedi, knowing that they're supposed to be stoic and disciplined.
** they are not "proverb spouting monks"
*** May not respond to them by reciting "Fear leads to Anger which leads to Hatred which leads to Rock And Roll Music which leads to Drugs which leads to Wearing All Black, Red Lightsabers and a Bad Makeover"
**** May not refer to the Jedi recruitment method as "literally legalized kidnapping"
***** May not imitate a Jedi by acting like a stereotypical old master and muttering "what is the sound of one hand clapping? you have to look within yourself to save yourself from your other self. Only then will your true self reveal itself. the path to enlightenment... is the enlightenment of the path. that which leads to the dark side inevitably leads to the dark side of the Force. Remember that young padawan and you too will be enlightened in your enlightenment of the light side."
****** May not make the padawans wash my speeder and pretend its a secret martial arts lesson like in Karate Kid while pretending to be a Jedi
******* May not use the Force to replicate Fist of the North Star techniques

********Using the Force to make someone's head explode is probably a dark side power.

*May not point out the number of times Kenshiro, in just the first five episodes, made someone's head or entire body explode with one or two strikes and suggest that the purpose of the full "atatatatatata" version is to make someone keep exploding continuously until either they stay dead or a set amount of time has passed.

*I cannot play a brightly and colorfully dressed dwarven bard who sings songs or tells stories at every opportunity.
**Nor a spontaneously musical Orc or Goblin.
***"But Tolkien Did it" is not an excuse.
****I must go along with the watered-down cookie-cutter standee races.

*Can't point out that, based on comments from the Hobbit, which 1: Has a prelude establishing that "Orc" and "Goblin" referred to the same race of people in Middle Earth and 2: The chapter that introduces the Goblin notes that the Goblins are very clever and good at inventing, with heavy implications that Orcs would go on to invent factory industrialization and Mechanized warfare, among other things, that that "Da Orkz" of Warhammer 40K are strictly speaking the closests to Tolkiens vision of any adaption or derivative work.

[Lord Raziere]

*Can't point out that, based on comments from the Hobbit, which 1: Has a prelude establishing that "Orc" and "Goblin" referred to the same race of people in Middle Earth and 2: The chapter that introduces the Goblin notes that the Goblins are very clever and good at inventing, with heavy implications that Orcs would go on to invent factory industrialization and Mechanized warfare, among other things, that that "Da Orkz" of Warhammer 40K are strictly speaking the closest to Tolkiens vision of any adaption or derivative work.

** May not point out that means World of Warcraft goblins and the Orcs of the Horde Post-Cataclysm are also closer than most to Tolkien's vision
*** My goblin artificer may not be "Mantakax Boomabillion" a capitalistic mad inventor who accidentally got sent from Azeroth to the campaign world by an experiment he was doing with a portal gun
**** All my solutions may not consist of figuring out ways to blow things up, fast talk people into selling them something or shoot it in the face
***** His goal may not consist of shooting villains in the face so he can get fame to write books to sell for profit so he can overthrow his rival trade prince and take his place.
****** May not somehow be saner than the other PC this character was teamed up with.

[Rater202]

If the players can't tell if an NPC couple are fighting or making love, I need to tone them down.

A sparring match should not open with a sucker punch followed by the phrase "the safe word is 'potato.' "

[KorvinStarmast]

* I may no longer have my microphone active when the party bard (I am DM) blows the Silver Horn of Valhalla when confronted by a gibbering mouther. (What the party heard over the mic (on Discord) - "And that's how to shoot at mosquitoes with buck shot" - which was meant for my own amusement).

** I may not describe the seven Berserkers as being lumberjacks (these have great axes) who only speak Swedish - only the bard understands them since he has the horn attuned - since it ended up creating far too many wisecracks from everyone that disrupted play.

*** I may not imitate the Swedish chef (ref = the Muppets) when speaking as one of the Berserkers to the bard.

[Silly Name]

** I may not describe the seven Berserkers as being lumberjacks (these have great axes) who only speak Swedish - only the bard understands them since has has the horn- since it ended up creating far too many wisecracks from everyone that disrupted play.

***I may not abuse the presence of lumberjacks to make yet another Monty Python reference

[KorvinStarmast]

***I may not abuse the presence of lumberjacks to make yet another Monty Python reference

Yes, some of the players started singing right away ...

[Socksy]

* I am not a member of "Clam Banu Haqim".
** Actually, as animals can't be Embraced, there is no need to debate what a Banu Haqim Clam would look like, do, or feed on.
*** Any character concept based on a typo is vetoed.

[Lord Raziere]

* "DnD but every time a PC gets hit, a random encounter is summoned" will not catch on
** nor will "DnD but every time someone rolls a natural 1 on a d20, a wild magic effect from the deck of many things goes off"
*** or "DnD but every time someone rolls a natural 1 on a d20, the party gets randomly teleported"
**** or "DnD, but you get a bonus to reckless actions that rises every time you do something reckless and succeed"
***** and especially not "DnD, but twitch chat is the GM"