Hilarious things you've found in RAW?

[White Blade]

The Dysfunctional Rules threads are pretty good for stuff like this.

Some other fun ones. Due to how spot works, everyone has terrible vision and you can't recognize your own family from down the street.

From an old old post, D&D Commoners aren't poor.

That classic of classics, because creatures are identified by Knowledge checks, average people in the D&D world don't necessarily know what the normal fauna like wolves or bears are. They also aren't necessarily able to distinguish a human from non-human.

I think the distance penalties for listen are a sign that nearly everyone in D&D needs hearing aids. By raw you need to make DC 10 check to understand what someone is saying within ten feet of you, and the DC goes up by one for every ten feet. You can't hear an active battle across a football field.

D&D Commoners aren't poor isn't so much ha-ha funny, although I think it's pretty fun to point out how advanced the healing of D&D is and also how dangerous the diseases in setting are. IRL, even quite contagious diseases don't usually strike people into bedrest in 5-7 business days. But Cackle Fever, Shakes, and Slimy Doom will either kill you or put you in a coma within a few days and they all have saves a commoner is unlikely to make. In 3.5, communities without two trained healers are likely to lose half their population if any disease rolls through town but ones with two are basically unstoppable, because even a Heal 4 + skill focus (Heal) means nobody's dying of anything short of an attack from hell.

[Bavarian itP]

Edit: and even more absurdly, since CR scales with level, a commoner can't generally tell you who the mayor of their village is. The mayor is not CR 0, and without ranks in Knowledge (Local)...

It also means that it's easier to recognize a Magmin (whatever that is) than the freaking Tarrasque.

[Telonius]

It also means that it's easier to recognize a Magmin (whatever that is) than the freaking Tarrasque.

"What do you suppose that is?"

"Oh, that? Well, looks like a Juvenile Red Dragon."

"Ah, cool! And what's that colossal, red, fire-breathing, scaly thing behind it?"

"... no clue."

[PhoenixPhyre]

"What do you suppose that is?"

"Oh, that? Well, looks like a Juvenile Red Dragon."

"Ah, cool! And what's that colossal, red, fire-breathing, scaly thing behind it?"

"... no clue."

And it gets worse (by RAW). That 1/8 HD thing a wizard cooked up last Tuesday and is now showing to the world? Anyone with any training in the appropriate Knowledge skill can tell you lots about it, its habits, etc. The Great Wyrm dragon that has demanded tribute in princesses for the last umpteen generations? Almost impossible for any but the best to have any clue about it. Color (despite flying in for its prize every 10 years)? No clue. Habits? Wants? Yeah, totally unknown.

Note that this is even true (by RAW, although this is disregarded by any sane DM) if the character making the check has been interacting with the creature continually for decades. Because the only way to know if you know something is to make the check, and failure means you never knew it. Heck, the dragon themselves can fail the check to know about themselves (again, by RAW, even though this is absolutely absurd). What do I eat again? No clue.

And as someone grows up and gets more powerful and more famous...they get less-well-known and less knowable.

Bear lore is one reason why these fixed-by-HD/CR DCs to know things is silly. Rarity/obscurity and combat power are completely decoupled at the universe level, and DC should reflect the former, not the latter.

[MaxiDuRaritry]

I quite liked the one where you are categorically forbidden to use item creation feats while raging.

Are there any magic items that require raging as a prereq?

[Telonius]

And it gets worse (by RAW). That 1/8 HD thing a wizard cooked up last Tuesday and is now showing to the world? Anyone with any training in the appropriate Knowledge skill can tell you lots about it, its habits, etc. The Great Wyrm dragon that has demanded tribute in princesses for the last umpteen generations? Almost impossible for any but the best to have any clue about it. Color (despite flying in for its prize every 10 years)? No clue. Habits? Wants? Yeah, totally unknown.

That one almost makes sense, if you consider it along with the Spot check rules. You'd have to get close enough to see it, which leaves you in much greater danger of being eaten by it.

[Wildstag]

There's always that classic DMG quote (pg 41, under "Experience Penalties")(emphasis mine)...

While awards can be used to encourage behavior, penalties don't serve to discourage bad behavior. They usually onlt lead to arguments and anger. If a player behaves in a way you don't want him to behave, talk to him about it. If he continues, stop playing with him.

By RAW, you HAVE to stop playing with problem players.

[PoeticallyPsyco]

Prone
The character is on the ground.

That's about as explicit as you can get. There are special rules for what happens if you trip a flying character... but none for tripping a swimming character.

By RAW they rocket towards the nearest "ground" surface, travelling the intervening distance instantly. Whether this counts ship decks, the ocean floor, or only dry land, the results are likely to be hilarious.

[The Viscount]

I like to imagine that the penalty to ranged attacks is because the character is prone in the dictionary sense (face down) so have to shoot through their legs or something.

[Jervis]

A creature with Jotunbrood that changes into a creature with swallow whole can be tiny and still eat a medium creature alive.

[Jervis]

And it gets worse (by RAW). That 1/8 HD thing a wizard cooked up last Tuesday and is now showing to the world? Anyone with any training in the appropriate Knowledge skill can tell you lots about it, its habits, etc. The Great Wyrm dragon that has demanded tribute in princesses for the last umpteen generations? Almost impossible for any but the best to have any clue about it. Color (despite flying in for its prize every 10 years)? No clue. Habits? Wants? Yeah, totally unknown.

Note that this is even true (by RAW, although this is disregarded by any sane DM) if the character making the check has been interacting with the creature continually for decades. Because the only way to know if you know something is to make the check, and failure means you never knew it. Heck, the dragon themselves can fail the check to know about themselves (again, by RAW, even though this is absolutely absurd). What do I eat again? No clue.

And as someone grows up and gets more powerful and more famous...they get less-well-known and less knowable.

Bear lore is one reason why these fixed-by-HD/CR DCs to know things is silly. Rarity/obscurity and combat power are completely decoupled at the universe level, and DC should reflect the former, not the latter.

This is why I think creatures should be easier to identify the higher HD they are but harder to know useful combat related information about.

[InvisibleBison]

Crafting things requires raw materials worth 1/3 the price of the thing you're crafting. If you want to craft some flour, the raw material you'd use is grain. Thus, 1 cp of grain can be crafted into 3 cp of flour. Seems straightforward enough - except that 1 cp of grain weighs 1 pound, while 3 cp of flour weighs 1.5 pounds. From this we conclude either that D&D millstones are magical or that D&D flour has a huge amount of grit in it.

On a related note, a D&D setting has no need for farmers. The Survival skill lets you find food for yourself in the wild with a DC 10 check, and you can provide for 1 additional person for every 2 points by which you beat the check. Even a neophyte forager (4 ranks, skill focus) can provide food for three people in addition to herself when she's able to take 10 - a level of food productivity that the real world didn't reach until the early 20th century. An experienced forager can do much better.

[PhoenixPhyre]

This is why I think creatures should be easier to identify the higher HD they are but harder to know useful combat related information about.

In my opinion, "identification" and "combat potential" (ie CR/HD) are completely separate things and don't scale the same at all.

You can have very high HD creatures that are super obscure (most aberrations, things that only exist in one piece of one setting, etc).

You can have very high HD creatures that are super obvious (the arena champion, a god, etc).

You can have very low HD creatures that are super obscure (this one-off thing that was created 35 seconds ago and only exists right here, etc)

You can have very low HD creatures that are super obvious (sheep in Wyoming).

"Difficulty of identification" is entirely a setting thing, and should be based on how common they are in that particular area + how frequently and in-depth they appear in common lore sources. Generally, identifying it should come with a set of basic combat-related information. Ie "It's a wolf, it runs in packs and is a carnivore" vs "it's a leopard, it's a solitary ambush predator". Depending on commonality, I could see even quite a lot of combat information. Everyone knows that the arena favorite uses a vorpal sword named HeadHunter and is immune to XYZ--after all, people have tried that on him in the arena in the last 43 battles!

You should also be able to extract information without identifying the creature, based on some kind of logic/perception-related check after observation. Things like "it's got big heavy plates and lumbers while it moves and big fangs that drip something that makes the ground sizzle. It's probably got a lousy Reflex save, high natural AC (and low touch AC), and extra acid damage on its bite."

[Azuresun]

I think the distance penalties for listen are a sign that nearly everyone in D&D needs hearing aids. By raw you need to make DC 10 check to understand what someone is saying within ten feet of you, and the DC goes up by one for every ten feet. You can't hear an active battle across a football field.

Having listened to my mother trying to get my dad's attention (or vice versa), 3e's system for listening feels very realistic.

And for another one I recall from the dysfunctional rules thread--creating a wand of Identify requires the crafter to drink fifty glasses of wine while making it.

[Scots Dragon]

And for another one I recall from the dysfunctional rules thread--creating a wand of Identify requires the crafter to drink fifty glasses of wine while making it.

That's just standard for any creative venture.

[Azuresun]

That's just standard for any creative venture.

It does explain why Dwarves have a reputation as great craftsmen.

[Wildstag]

Having listened to my mother trying to get my dad's attention (or vice versa), 3e's system for listening feels very realistic.

And for another one I recall from the dysfunctional rules thread--creating a wand of Identify requires the crafter to drink fifty glasses of wine while making it.

50 glasses of wine, 50 owl feathers, and 5,000 gp worth of pearls.

I don’t think the wine is the tough part.

[Malphegor]

Spider-Man’s costume exists as a psychoactive skin in MIC. (and I think in the srd too but they’ve helpfully removed the description of a red and blue body with white eyes)

That little easter egg broke me a little, as I can’t stop occasionally trying to build spiderman now that I know that exists. It’s exorbitantly expensive and you’re better off with a dragon compendium Thespian’s Mask to look like you’re wearing a full body costume of that sort for cheapish, but now I know it’s reasonable to rod of ropes swing my way into being a spectacular wall crawler with just items I find it hard to feel like playing ‘normal’ characters at the moment, as that’s just funny.

[Scots Dragon]

Spider-Man’s costume exists as a psychoactive skin in MIC. (and I think in the srd too but they’ve helpfully removed the description of a red and blue body with white eyes)

That little easter egg broke me a little, as I can’t stop occasionally trying to build spiderman now that I know that exists. It’s exorbitantly expensive and you’re better off with a dragon compendium Thespian’s Mask to look like you’re wearing a full body costume of that sort for cheapish, but now I know it’s reasonable to rod of ropes swing my way into being a spectacular wall crawler with just items I find it hard to feel like playing ‘normal’ characters at the moment, as that’s just funny.

Pathfinder's vigilante has an archetype called the wildsoul, sort of representing various animal themed superheroes. One of the options is basically Spider-Man's ability set.

[ShurikVch]

Every creature in the game has HD, even if it's just a fraction. 1/4 HD is still more than 0 HD

1. Rounding rules mean all than <1 is count as 0. I mean - no such thing as DC 10½
2. Sentient items are literally "creatures without any HD"

A creature with Jotunbrood that changes into a creature with swallow whole can be tiny and still eat a medium creature alive.

Corrections:
It's "Jotunbrud"
Swallow Whole:

If a creature with this special attack begins its turn with an opponent held in its mouth (see Improved Grab), it can attempt a new grapple check (as though attempting to pin the opponent). If it succeeds, it swallows its prey, and the opponent takes bite damage. Unless otherwise noted, the opponent can be up to one size category smaller than the swallowing creature.

Starting a Grapple:

You automatically lose an attempt to hold if the target is two or more size categories larger than you are.

But - in similar note to the aforementioned: some creatures (such as Ember Spawn, Hoard Scarab, Mind Leech, or Worm of Kyuss) are able to burrow into other creatures
This ability is completely independent of Size category - even by default they already able to burrow into creature of the same size category as they are
But what if this vermin somehow got bigger - say, because of application of Titanic Creature (or Kaiju) template?
They still would be able, by the RAW, to burrow into a creature of any size, and stay inside until either they want out or host is dead
(Also, in case of Symbiotic Creature template, Vermin guest will grant it's burrow SA to the host - even if the host is a dinosaur)

[Jervis]

That's just standard for any creative venture.

So are all wands of identify made by suburban moms?

[AvatarVecna]

1. Rounding rules mean all than <1 is count as 0. I mean - no such thing as DC 10½
2. Sentient items are literally "creatures without any HD"

"Sleep puts NI cats to sleep" is a neat RAW thing too.

[MaxiDuRaritry]

"Sleep puts NI cats to sleep" is a neat RAW thing too.

I suppose that's how low level wizards manage to survive to reach 1st level.

[the_tick_rules]

The talismans of ultimate good and evil. If I remember their RAW correctly if you and the target meet all conditions it is an insta kill on anything.

[Harrow]

Profession skill is about making money working as X. This is separate from the craft skill, where you take raw materials and work on them to make them into something more valuable. This means that while Profession (chef) is definitely a thing, Craft (Cooking) is how you make non-raw food by RAW. And craft is a trained only skill. Craft doesn't even have the "DC 10 can be attempted untrained" rule the way Knowledge has, so you're just SOL if you're not ranked.

Profession is trained only, but Craft is not.

[ShurikVch]

Do we count there April Fool things - like the Adamantine Chef PrC, which have such CFs as Summon Death Salad or Summon Pie Fiend?

Spoiler: Pie Fiend

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Or how about some blatant (but never officially corrected) typos - like with the Eye of Gruumsh in Epic Level Handbook:

This lump of rock has a marquis-cut black sapphire set in its center, making it appear similar to a large eye. Ore legends claim that the rock is actually the petrified eye of Gruumsh himself, put out ages ago by the elf deity Corellon Larethian. Elven sages scoff at this story, insisting that Corellon destroyed Gruumsh’s eye completely.
Nevertheless, the Eye of Gruumsh has great power, particularly in the hands of one of ore blood. If possessed by an ore, it grants a +6 enhancement bonus to Strength and Charisma, and the ore’s darkvision range is doubled. Nonorcs who possess the Eye gain a +2 enhancement bonus to Strength but take a –2 penalty to Intelligence and Charisma.

Spoiler: I wonder if it matter which kind of ore...

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[Doctor Despair]

In my sig is a thread on the Long Arm of the Law. In there, I discuss a few mechanisms to initiate a grapple from range -- sometimes as far as hundreds of feat away. As per the grapple rules, you would then either immediately move into their square (flying hundreds of feet through the air with blurring speed), or drag them hundreds of feet into your square if you have Improved Grab.

[PoeticallyPsyco]

"Sleep puts NI cats to sleep" is a neat RAW thing too.

*Obligatory explanation that rounding occurs at the end of the math not the beginning*

I realize you were probably joking, but it was bugging me.

[ShurikVch]

"Sleep puts NI cats to sleep" is a neat RAW thing too.

I know you was joking, but 10' burst would cover no more than 64 cats (unless they're flying - then 68)
Also, damaging spell of similar radius could just kill them (and, likely, wouldn't even take a full round to cast)...

[Doctor Despair]

I know you was joking, but 10' burst would cover no more than 64 cats (unless they're flying - then 68)
Also, damaging spell of similar radius could just kill them (and, likely, wouldn't even take a full round to cast)...

Look at Shurik over here wanting to kill 68 cats!

... although I suppose putting cats to sleep doesn't sound much better to the layman.