Things I May No Longer Do While Playing 14: The DM is not my therapist.

[Laughing Dog]

This is the fourteenth incarnation of this thread of insanity and mutual frustration, both real rules and jokes are welcome in this thread.

For Newcomers, we've more or less abandoned numbers in favor of individual sets of asterixes for the sake of rules and subrules because numbers inevitably get confused and mismatched and this helps keep things straight.
(Also, I have shamelessly stolen the beginning post from the last thread. Credit to Rater202!)
Previous Threads:
1: [Any] Things I may no longer do while playing.
2: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing II: Stop Making The DM Cry
3: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing III: I May Not Iron Heart Surge Rule Zero
4: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing IV: The Decanter of Endless Bad Ideas
5: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing V: Pun & Pun, Rules-Attorneys at Law
6: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing VI: This Isn't A Checklist We Swear!
7: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing VII: No, Not Even Then
8: Things I May No Longer Do while Playing VIII: Why is the PLOT on fire?
9: Things I May No Longer Do while Playing IX: GNO GNOMES!
10: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing X: Bard is not a valid choice
11: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing XI: I May Not Postpone Naming My Thread
12: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing XII: A Thousand-Yard Stare is not Permission
13: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing 13: This Is A Banned List Not A Drinking Game

[Rater202]

I can't use a skeletal enemy that isn't either a generic mook skeleton or a lich.

[Anonymouswizard]

I can't use a skeletal enemy that isn't either a generic mook skeleton or a lich.

Heh. I suspect when I next run a action horror game I'm going to get mauled by players for not running with classic tropes, particularly having zombies follow a more Frankenstein model. By which I mean the book 'new creature, blank slate' model, not the pop culture one.

I mean, it would be fine if the PLAYERS got those boosts, but they're going to be hunters...

[danielxcutter]

I can't use a skeletal enemy that isn't either a generic mook skeleton or a lich.

That was literally a plot point in OotS.

[vasilidor]

I am not allowed to try to power anything by tapping into stupidity.
It would just be too OP.

[Telok]

* I may not use at will Speak With Dead on every skull in the ancient catacombs with the question "what is your life story at maximum volume?".

** Using "I'm covering for the dwarves' lack of stealth" is not an acceptable excuse.

[KorvinStarmast]

* Will not try to seduce the drow fortune teller with the old "guess you didn't see me coming" pick up line.

[animorte]

* Will not try to seduce the drow fortune teller with the old "guess you didn't see me coming" pick up line.

My wife had to ask me what I just burst out laughing about. Thanks for that.

[Bohandas]

*"nine lives" is a figure of speech. Cats do not regenerate like Doctor Who.

[Rater202]

Powerful, old, and experienced Werewolves do not undergo a metamorphosis into far more powerful Therewolves.

[Anonymouswizard]

Powerful, old, and experienced Werewolves do not undergo a metamorphosis into far more powerful Therewolves.

That's only because none have reached Primal Urge 11.

* I may not attempt to embrace a space marine.

[danielxcutter]

Powerful, old, and experienced Werewolves do not undergo a metamorphosis into far more powerful Therewolves.

That's only because none have reached Primal Urge 11.

Oh my god. Can I share this on the official CofD Discord?

[Anonymouswizard]

Oh my god. Can I share this on the official CofD Discord?

You've got my ok at least.

[Bohandas]

Does anyone else remember the episode of Adventure Time with the "Whywolves"

[Lord Raziere]

* May not create Whenwolves from outside time that appear whenever someone asks the question "When?"
** Or Whowolves, wolves that disguise themselves as humans they steal faces from to trick them
*** Howwolves are not werewolves that can change how they are werewolves to confuse people as to what werewolf rules they are running on.

[KorvinStarmast]

* May not create Whenwolves from outside time that appear whenever someone asks the question "When?"
** Or Whowolves, wolves that disguise themselves as humans they steal faces from to trick them
*** Howwolves are not werewolves that can how they are werewolves to confuse people as to what werewolf rules they are running on.

* Must discern whether or not they are Whatwolves or Wutwolves before not making them.

[danielxcutter]

Well, there are Werewires and Werewerewires in Deltarune.

[Lord Torath]

* May not create wolfwhens, wolfwhys, or wolfhows.
** Jackalwhens, jackalwhys, and jackalhows are Right Out^TM!

[Bohandas]

*The killer from the Saw movies was not Jim Henson

[DCraw]

* Having the party seek knowledge about the nature of the multiverse from The Wizard Who Did It^TM is a reasonable premise for a high level adventure.
** Giving The Wizard Who Did It^TMs Tower a 42-dimensional topology is funny, but pushing it.
*** Asking the groups only liberal arts major to keep track of the map is just mean.

[KorvinStarmast]

My wife had to ask me what I just burst out laughing about. Thanks for that.

A pleasure to serve.

** Giving The Wizard Who Did It^TMs Tower a 42-dimensional topology is funny, but pushing it.

I have a former DM who could probably enjoy that. Math major, and math teacher; go figure!

*** Asking the groups only liberal arts major to keep track of the map is just mean.

It's awesome.

* When the party's bard (12th level) asks the sage (who had given them the info needed to understand the quest, and who had asked them to please rescue his fellow researcher)
"Why don't you come with us?"
I am not allowed to (as the sage) answer
"because I have 4 hit points"
in a resigned tone of voice.

Spoiler: Why I did it ....

Show

{That got a laugh from 5 out of 6 of the players, though, which was part of why I provided that answer.}

[danielxcutter]

What about the last guy?

[kyoryu]

* Will not try to seduce the drow fortune teller with the old "guess you didn't see me coming" pick up line.

"No, in fact, I do not."

[KorvinStarmast]

What about the last guy?

He was AFK getting a beer, so he missed the joke. (Game on R20).

"No, in fact, I do not."

*snicker*

[Sparky McDibben]

I'm not allowed to answer "Why did you counterspell my healing word, DM?" with: "Because it's what my NPC would do..."

[DCraw]

* May not create Whenwolves from outside time that appear whenever someone asks the question "When?"
** Or Whowolves, wolves that disguise themselves as humans they steal faces from to trick them
*** Howwolves are not werewolves that can how they are werewolves to confuse people as to what werewolf rules they are running on.

**a There is not a bitter century long feud between the Whowolves and the Whomwolves.

[Rater202]

*I can't 'accidentally' make myself into an eldritch abomination by stacking a bunch of powers ontop of each other, each with small alterations to my physiology until I can no longer reasonably be considered human.

[Anonymouswizard]

*I can't 'accidentally' make myself into an eldritch abomination by stacking a bunch of powers ontop of each other, each with small alterations to my physiology until I can no longer reasonably be considered human.

Isn't that just Aberrant?

[Sparky McDibben]

Isn't that just Aberrant?

I believe they prefer "differently constructed beings from outside known reality."

[Lord Raziere]

* May not trap a bunch of demons into by being my servants by flipping a coin, telling them that if they don't call it directly they agree to serve me, and having it land on the edge.
** When they're done doing what I ask of them, may not then order them to not move and start killing them as punching bags for my gun martial art

* May not somehow gain Dr. Strange's magic, Scarlet Witch's magic and the Infinity Gauntlet in one jump
** May not argue that the redundancy of doing so is a feature not a bug.

* May not even take a jump called "generic overpowered jump" ever.
** Mostly because taking perks to gain omniverse or outerverse level power just like that seems a little late game even for me.

* may not take a jumpchain perk to get a Palace in a Persona jump

* Make not use Hemalurgy to steal powers from universes outside the Cosmere and add them to myself
** The fact that I won't die from stabbing myself with the spikes is no excuse to do it casually in front of people
*** May not neglect to let people know about my body no longer being made of flesh

* May not try to figure out what happens when I combine FMA Alchemy, Feruchemy and Allomancy

* Throwing all my foes into a Door To Nothingness is not a solution to all my problems

* May not summon clones of my enemies to fight each other
** May not mock them about perfectly symmetrical violence never solving anything.