Things I May No Longer Do While Playing 14: The DM is not my therapist.

[Mandark]

**** "Fluff is mutable" is no longer an option with this GM.

***** Especially if they are an "I'm not fat, I'm Fluffy" GM.

[Bohandas]

*The State Farm jingle is not the verbal component for Summon Monster

[Rockphed]

*The State Farm jingle is not the verbal component for Summon Monster

** The Nationwide jingle is not the verbal component for Protection from Evil
*** Will Arnet's hair is not a material component for Protection from Chaos
**** The Allstate jingle is not the verbal component for any Bixby's [x]ing Hand

* My bard cannot speak entirely in memes.
** My bard needs more than a three word vocabulary.

[Rater202]

"Succubus rave" is not now, never was, and never will be the answer to any problems.

[Lord Raziere]

"Succubus rave" is not now, never was, and never will be the answer to any problems.

* Especially not in Wh40k, in Slaanesh's realm or in Comorragh.

* May not take a perk option to become a World of Warcraft Old God
** or a Celestialsapien
*** or have an Infinity Gauntlet
**** Or become an Intrinsic Field user
***** or an Entity from Worm
****** or Scarlet Witches Chaos Magic

*May not propose the theory that the creation of Tamriel was the real first Dragon Break, thus explaining the contradictory accounts of Elven and Human religions about Lorkhan.

[KorvinStarmast]

* I may no longer tell horse traders "no, you may not buy my (gift from the elves of the high plains) horse, because I like my horse...a lot!"
** When asked how much I like my horse, I may not tell said traders that the mare and I are trying to create centaurs as our offspring. (Which is a lie, but heck, I have advantage on deception checks)
*** May not then be disappointed when the goblin brothel workers decline my custom, after the rumor of "literally, like a horse" go around (And that, kids, is one more reason why lying is a bad thing!)
**** May not get angry at the monk, who thought that spreading that rumor was funny.

[vasilidor]

"Succubus rave" is not now, never was, and never will be the answer to any problems.

It would solve my boredom for an afternoon.

[Rockphed]

It would solve my boredom for an afternoon.

I am fairly certain that after partying with succubi for an afternoon you would discover new and exciting forms of boredom.

[ShadowShinobi]

* I may no longer tell horse traders "no, you may not buy my (gift from the elves of the high plains) horse, because I like my horse...a lot!"
** When asked how much I like my horse, I may not tell said traders that the mare and I are trying to create centaurs as our offspring. (Which is a lie, but heck, I have advantage on deception checks)
*** May not then be disappointed when the goblin brothel workers decline my custom, after the rumor of "literally, like a horse" go around (And that, kids, is one more reason why lying is a bad thing!)
**** May not get angry at the monk, who thought that spreading that rumor was funny.

Goblin brothel workers? Ewww...

[dspeyer]

"Succubus rave" is not now, never was, and never will be the answer to any problems.

However, if I find a demonic disco party that's been running for thousands of years powered by a mysterious Artifact of Doom, I will not steal said artifact. An eternal disco is really the *least* horrifying thing it could power.

If I steal it anyway, I will not complain that the rest of the campaign is post-apocalyptic.

[TeChameleon]

However, if I find a demonic disco party that's been running for thousands of years powered by a mysterious Artifact of Doom, I will not steal said artifact. An eternal disco is really the *least* horrifying thing it could power.

If I steal it anyway, I will not complain that the rest of the campaign is post-apocalyptic.

Eternal demon disco? Why does it feel like there'd be a lot of Jerry Lee Lewis played..?

* I am no longer allowed to even hint to my dice that I care about the results of a roll; otherwise they start screwing with me and I go from kicking a baddie so hard a bunch of his buddies die as well to whiffing so badly and so often that about the best I can hope for is the enemy catching the sniffles from the breeze >.<

[Anonymouswizard]

I am fairly certain that after partying with succubi for an afternoon you would discover new and exciting forms of boredom.

I should never have gone on that date with Slaanesh, turns out that after the punk metal yodelling concert they'd planned a sushi and sensory deprivation evening.

[vasilidor]

I will admit there are worse things than being bored.
But you are not bored when you experience them.

[PhoenixPhyre]

* Not allowed to do psychic flying tree octopuses any more.

* Also not allowed to put harpy eggs where the monk can get them. Unless I really want to figure out how raising a harpy chick is going to work...

[danielxcutter]

Honestly the tree part is the weirdest part of that first one, ngl.

[KorvinStarmast]

* Not allowed to do psychic flying tree octopuses any more.

* Also not allowed to put harpy eggs where the monk can get them. Unless I really want to figure out how raising a harpy chick is going to work...

Nice pun on the second, doubtless unintentional.

* May no longer attempt to chop up slain Flying psychic tree octopus and feed it as land calamari. (Tastes awful, or tastes like offal ...)

** My no longer wrestle with my horse.

[PhoenixPhyre]

Not allowed to let people notice things that aren't there if they roll really well on Perception checks out of paranoia.

Especially not the duck. Because I swear there is no duck. There never has been a duck.

And if you ask anyone else about the mountain, expect everyone to look at you like you're nuts. Because there never was a mountain.

[Pauly]

** My no longer wrestle with my horse.

Mongo only pawn in game of life.

[Anonymouswizard]

** My no longer wrestle with my horse.

Why not? It's a good way to practice.

* May not refer to horses as 'special edition Tesco cows'.

[KorvinStarmast]

Not allowed to let people notice things that aren't there if they roll really well on Perception checks out of paranoia.
Especially not the duck. Because I swear there is no duck. There never has been a duck.

Then why do they keep yelling "duck" at me when the giants throw rocks? I figure the duck's spotting for the giants ...

And if you ask anyone else about the mountain, expect everyone to look at you like you're nuts. Because there never was a mountain.

What mountain?

[Bohandas]

However, if I find a demonic disco party that's been running for thousands of years powered by a mysterious Artifact of Doom, I will not steal said artifact. An eternal disco is really the *least* horrifying thing it could power.

burn baby burn Disco Inferno

[Lord Torath]

* I may not one-shot the uber-powerful undead demi-god (whom we are *not* intended to fight!) by spamming illusions of an undead-specific save-or-die attack to abuse the fact that disbelieving a real effect negates your saving throw and then hitting him with the real thing once he starts disbelieving.

[Bohandas]

*Kilroy should not be part of a summoning circle or goetic seal

[KorvinStarmast]

*... goetic seal

For some reason I thought that was an endangered species. But it isn't.

[Bohandas]

Now that I think of it, that's the kind of wordplay that would make an excellent monster

EDIT:

*May not represent the mi-go as mushroom goombas

*May not create a misleading narrative about why the original "salami rocket" episode of mythbusters isn't available on streaming platforms with the rest of the series
**It was not one of the episodes where they test idioms
***and it was not "banned"

EDIT:

*The Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco Firearms and Explosives is not Iron Man's arch-enemy

[Rater202]

"Stab it with my own bones" is not the solution to all of life's problems.

[danielxcutter]

Are there any problems it does solve?

[Anonymouswizard]

Are there any problems it does solve?

'Slepp won't leave me along' and presumably 'a plant vampire is attacking me'.

[danielxcutter]

I'm sorry, who?

[Telok]

No longer allowed to run off with random unidentified and unknown artifacts and attune them just to see what they do.