Things I May No Longer Do While Playing 14: The DM is not my therapist.

[Telok]

* If I teleport into the ribcage of the dracolich I cannot use the breastbone as the frame of reference for a wall of fire spell.

[Rater202]

I can't put more effort into trying to figure out how to make my body train and condition itself to peak fitness and keep itself there then it would take to actually train myself to that level and maintain it.

[KorvinStarmast]

* When playing the bard's turns while we wait for the bard to get back into the game (RL called) may no longer ask the party "what would SS do?" and act on their reply "use the wand of wonder!"

** May not then walk up to a webbed group of stirges and use said wand

*** May not then roll a 72 (which is, of course, fireball)

**** May not then use the wand a second time and end up shrinking bard to being about halfling sized

***** May not then ask the dwarf fighter for a piggyback ride, and once mounted, begin shouting out "here come Master and Blaster!"

[Bohandas]

*The Swedish Chef was not one of the recruitable companions from Skyrim

*The lost ark did not have a stripper in it

*The Secret Garden was not about drugs

*"Create Graft: Political" is not a real feat

[Alabenson]

*The Swedish Chef was not one of the recruitable companions from Skyrim

I now wish to find a mod that fixes this grave oversight.

* I am to stop telling every goblin we encounter that they remind me of the babe.

[Rater202]

* I am to stop telling every goblin we encounter that they remind me of the babe.

**I am not allowed to depict "living in labyrinths" and "liking david bowie music' as stereotypes of the goblin race that many Goblinoids act negatively to.

[animorte]

**I am not allowed to depict "living in labyrinths" and "liking david bowie music' as stereotypes of the goblin race that many Goblinoids act negatively to.

This will soon be a requirement at my table, thank you.

[Rater202]

I need a goal other than "free all the animals from the zoo."

[Anonymouswizard]

*The Swedish Chef was not one of the recruitable companions from Skyrim

** Am not to argue that he's more likely to be Danish...

[KorvinStarmast]

*The lost ark did not have a stripper in it

Wait, what?
From the movie (first Indy movie) the flesh stripper function was on display.

*"Create Graft: Political" is not a real feat

By real do you mean real world, or real for a given game system?

* Must not wink and smile at the drunken goliath wizard

** Must not be a tease when she calls me Pretty Boy and offers to take me upstairs.

*** Must not tell her "Maybe some night, but not tonight" when I have no intention of ever sating her lusts for me.

**** Must not refer to her halfling companion in heavy armor as "Emo in a Can" even if it's true.

[Rater202]

*I cannot come up with plans that would bust the power scaling of the game wide open.
**No matter how much sense they make once I think about it.
***Even when it fails to leave my head.
****Just because Hashirama cells are the miracle MacGuffin doesn't mean I can use them for literally anything.

[Bohandas]

*The Lorax did not fight in the Battle of Isengard

[KorvinStarmast]

* May no longer offer the kobold chief a pint of whisky without explaining that it is meant to be sipped, not consumed like a pint of ale.

** My no longer shove a giant frog.

*** May no longer doze at the keyboard right before initiative is rolled. (On line game)

[Rockphed]

*The Lorax did not fight in the Battle of Isengard

I have occasionally thought that The Lorax would have made a good Ent.

[Anonymouswizard]

*The Lorax did not fight in the Battle of Isengard

Of course not, the trees were speaking for themselves.

[Bohandas]

*R'lyeh is not "probably just on a saddle-shaped hill"

[GreenDragonPage]

*Never adopt wayward Thri-Kreen, who are lost and abandoned in the dunes of Athas
** Never pay "taxes" to Bandits - they always come back looking for more "taxes"
***Do not pick fights with mechanical half-giants, it always ends poorly
**** Never engage the dune-snake-hydra-thing that has burrowed beneath a bandit camp, no matter how hot your dice have been all day
***** Never trust halflings to not eat your mangled corpse

[Bohandas]

*The Broken Winged Crane was not a song by Fleetwood Mac

[DrewID]

** Never pay "taxes" to Bandits - they always come back looking for more "taxes"

To be fair, that's just how taxes work, even without quotes.

DrewID

[Anonymouswizard]

* There is no gun 'too powerful to require reloads', and if there was I'm not allowed to fire it.
** if I'm over my encumbrance limit I apparently have enuff dakks.

[KorvinStarmast]

* May no longer jump off the bridge onto the skiff in the canal to knock imposters into the water.
** May not cut the throat of the steersman for dressing up as one of our crew (in order to frame us for a robbery, we think).
*** May not then appropriate the skiff, and the loot, and take it to our lair.
**** May not then indulge in a different vice (gambling) than usual (Skovola Irridenta!) to alleviate stress.

[GreenDragonPage]

To be fair, that's just how taxes work, even without quotes.

DrewID

I almost did a spit take. You are definitely not wrong. Very funny.

[Rockphed]

To be fair, that's just how taxes work, even without quotes.

DrewID

"Once you have paid him the danegeld, you'll never be rid of the Dane" I have heard attributed to various Anglo-Saxon people (and people discussing taxes and tribute and so forth).

* No matter what my character's political leanings, I am not allowed to buy babies at bars.

[KorvinStarmast]

* No matter what my character's political leanings, I am not allowed to buy babies at bars.

Wait, not even at a Baby Ruth bar?

[Rater202]

I should bite my tongue before telling the quest-giver that there's a non-zero chance that we'll find their missing sister distributed across several jars of formaldehyde.

[Flemkopf]

* The DM having the mysterious mentor actually be one of the villains' split personalities is a pretty interesting plot twist.
** My character may not have three separate personalities that come up at different times, with all of them being parts of different organizations.
*** When my DM asks for background information on said character, I may not give him a textbook on abnormal psychology.
**** Any character backstory mentioning the phrase "metempsychosis" is summarily banned. As is any mentioning Freud or Jung.

* Working some Mecha scenes into the campaign I am running is fine. The players loved stomping around in gargantuan constructs with oversized swords, wrestling dragons, and throwing ships around.
** May not run my players through a plotline involving bodysurfing villains, genetic engineering, and interplanetary colonization with heavy references to Nietzsche.
*** Also may not run my players through a time travel story revolving around different time eras actually running in parallel, with each being given a different explanation of what's going on, all turning out to be a simulation supporting a galactic colonization campaign.
**** Seriously, my players no longer have any idea what genre we're playing any more.

[Telok]

* I will not put more than two planets made of cheese into the setting.
** If there are cheezification guns in the setting I must not be surprised that the players want one.
*** When visiting other game worlds included in the setting I should try to fit the current system to them, not make the players convert their characters to Toon, Rifts, WH40k, etc., when they visit those worlds.
**** I may not snicker, laugh, or chortle, when the players refer to the d&d versions of their charcters as "incompetent dolts with nerf swords".

[Anonymouswizard]

* I will not put more than two planets made of cheese into the setting.

Put as many as you want in, the PCs will make sure there's none left.

[Mandark]

* I will not put more than two planets made of cheese into the setting.
** If there are cheezification guns in the setting I must not be surprised that the players want one.

Put as many as you want in, the PCs will make sure there's none left.

*I am not allowed to make an Artificer named Wallace to go enjoy the cheese worlds.
**Especially if nobody makes Grommet.
***My turret is not allowed to launch random household objects about.
****The thief should not be able to control my armour like the wrong trousers. He can, he just shouldn't.
*****My steel defender is not a Hoover with delusions of grandure.
******If I DO make Wallace, I must pick One kind of Artificer to be, not just a few class features from each Archetype.
*******Well... One per episode. I can change when the DM says I can. Just stat out the sheets.

[KorvinStarmast]

*I am not allowed to make an Artificer named Wallace to go enjoy the cheese worlds.
**Especially if nobody makes Grommet.
***My turret is not allowed to launch random household objects about.
****The thief should not be able to control my armour like the wrong trousers. He can, he just shouldn't.
*****My steel defender is not a Hoover with delusions of grandure.
******If I DO make Wallace, I must pick One kind of Artificer to be, not just a few class features from each Archetype.
*******Well... One per episode. I can change when the DM says I can. Just stat out the sheets.

Isn't Grommet the actual artificer and Wallace is almost one?