Things I May No Longer Do While Playing 14: The DM is not my therapist.

[dspeyer]

***I cannot eat Cthulhu

Tracked down my patron and ate him with garlic
The screaming wore off past an hour or two.

**** I probably shouldn't eat the heart of the goddess who ate Cthulhu either
***** I may not resurrect the god who ate that heart
****** After the heartless remnant of the goddess splits into two gods who are even more insane, I should not aid either of them
******* Nor should I hire a team of general ne'erdowells to steal said hemideities
******** Not all our campaign worlds need to interrelate -- especially when the campaigns are in different systems.

[thorr-kan]

I think "I may not attack the other players with fireballs" is a good general rule.

You take that touchie-feelie, New Age BS somewhere else.

*May not use the players' love of dogs and cats to distract them with real-life pets while I surreptitiously rearrange the miniatures to improve my tactical situation.

[Tohron]

You take that touchie-feelie, New Age BS somewhere else.

**If the other players refuse to play characters without fire immunity, things have gone too far.

[KorvinStarmast]

* May no longer - when a voice coming from a dimly lit alley says "Hey there, handsome!" - respond with "She must be talking to me!"

** May not join the secret cult, based on the ensuing encounter, just because my (IC) PC's mother used to worship in that religion.

*** May not refer to that religion's ritual dance as The True Twerk

***I cannot eat Cthulhu

Breaded and fried, it tastes like chicken calamari. Best paired with demon's ichor a fruity white wine.

[tomandtish]

I think "I may not attack the other players with fireballs" is a good general rule.

DrewID

Well, if you want your game to be BORING.....

[thorr-kan]

Well, if you want your game to be BORING.....

See? SEE?! It's not just me!

[Lord Torath]

Yeah, we play in my home. I do not want fireballs going off in my home! Fireball Insurance is expensive, the deductibles are too high, and I'm sick of funding my contractor's vacation condo. No fireballing other players!

[TeChameleon]

**If the other players refuse to play characters without fire immunity, things have gone too far.

...

*shifty look*

I didn't use that much friendly fire...

Then again, that character had a stated life goal of setting everything that annoyed him on fire, and frequently got irritated with the other party members... hmm.

And the fire immunity wouldn't have helped them anyways, I took a couple of feats to bypass it

* Apparently not allowed to miss sessions. Wasn't there last week and the party spent the entire session huddled around the campfire at night while unknown things in the trees asked them riddles, told jokes, and laughed at them.

** Even if it gets the plot moving again, if things in the night are terrorizing the party, should not just fly right up to one of them and give them a strange look just to see what they do.

*** Even if, logically, my aaracokra monk would have no cultural context whatsoever for 'scary clown', still shouldn't shrug and dismiss the magically horrifying undead clown-things as 'another weird human(oid) thing'.

**** Still not allowed to 'nope' the DM's fun when one of his NPCs runs face first into a monk ability that nullifies whatever it was trying to do (disease immunity is fun!)

***** Probably shouldn't have been disappointed that there were only three of the deadly, fear-casting, paralysis causing, disease-spreading ghouls in that encounter, and that finding more of them would take effort.

[DrewID]

Well, if you want your game to be BORING.....

I really must draw the line at fireballs. Books are flammable!

DrewID

[Pauly]

You take that touchie-feelie, New Age BS somewhere else.
.

* Acceptable collateral damage is a concept that originated in Paranoia which can be transplanted into any game in any genre.

** If there is no collateral damage you’re not trying hard enough.

*** the other PC was probably a commie mutant traitor anyway.

[Bohandas]

*The King In Yellow was not one of the suspects from Clue

[Rockphed]

*The King In Yellow was not one of the suspects from Clue

* Nor is Khorne, even if you decide he is an unmarried woman.
** I don't think the tootsie-roll-pop owl is purple, but even if he was, he isn't a suspect from clue.
*** Lady Peacock of the Shimmering Hair might be the closest you can come to a suspect from clue and I just made her up.
**** No, she isn't an exalted of beauty who goes around killing people by setting up elaborate murder mysteries for them.

* If we troll the DM by having all of our characters be suspects from clue we are not to complain when we have to solve a murder mystery.

[Anonymouswizard]

* The NPC being called Dr Black is not an excuse to find a candlestick and then drag them into the kitchen.

[Rockphed]

* The NPC being called Dr Black is not an excuse to find a candlestick and then drag them into the kitchen.

The Clue set I had as a child had, I think, Mrs White as the 6th character (Miss Scarlett, Colonel Mustard, Reverend Green, Professor Plum, and Mrs Peacock being the other 5), but the one we acquired recently has Dr Orchid (who is bright pink) as the 6th character.

[Anonymouswizard]

The Clue set I had as a child had, I think, Mrs White as the 6th character (Miss Scarlett, Colonel Mustard, Reverend Green, Professor Plum, and Mrs Peacock being the other 5), but the one we acquired recently has Dr Orchid (who is bright pink) as the 6th character.

Yeah, but the victim in Cluedo has always been Dr Black.

I used to have a nice reproduction set with the original six and the pepperbox revolver. It's a shame it's been lost. Honestly going back to a single die for movement really changes the game, except for the secret passages switching rooms intentionally is going to cost you a turn at minimum.

[Bohandas]

Yeah, but the victim in Cluedo has always been Dr Black.

It's Mr.Boddy in the American version and in the movie

[Anonymouswizard]

It's Mr.Boddy in the American version and in the movie

Yeah, but that breaks the theme naming and ruins the subtlety of the reference. Keep your degeneracy out of my classic board games next you'll be referring to Ludo as, I dunno, Parcheesi or something.

[Rater202]

A game meant to be high fantasy Law & Order should not turn into high fantasy Breaking Bad.

[TeChameleon]

* There is more to stopping an alien invasion than teleporting the biggest, fastest asteroid I can find directly in front of them.
** There is more to stopping an alien invasion than teleporting half the fleet so that they're directly in front of the other half and going the other way.
*** There is more to stopping an alien invasion than teleporting the entire fleet into the sun.
**** There is more to stopping an alien invasion than teleporting part of the sun into the enemy fleet.
***** There is more to stopping an alien invasion than teleporting the fleet back out into deep space every time they show up until they either give up or run out of fuel.
****** There is more to stopping an alien invasion than teleporting all the crews away and stealing their ships.
******* There is more to stopping an alien invasion than teleporting all the ships away and leaving the crews where they were (and stealing their ships).
******** Even dumb aliens are eventually going to get suspicious if previous invasion fleets get sold to the next invaders, especially if you keep doing it.
********* Earth is now on the Interstellar Do-Not-Invade List.

* I am no longer allowed to annoy evil aliens until they invade.
** I am no longer allowed to trick evil aliens into invading.
*** I am no longer allowed to inspire aliem invasions in any fashion, especially not based on the resale value of their ships.
**** I am no longer allowed to inspire alien invasions based on the psychotropic effects gained by licking them.
***** I am definitely not allowed to trick aliens into invading based on their flavour profile.

* If psychotic alien warlords burst into tears upon realizing where they've just been suckered into invading, it may be time to tone it down a little.

[Anonymouswizard]

* There is more to stopping an alien invasion than teleporting the biggest, fastest asteroid I can find directly in front of them.

Of course, by the time the saucer reaches the point where the asteroid was it's moved way. Make sure you get one on the right vector.


* Star Wars ships do not use reactionless drives.
** Even if I can show the lack of remass tankage on the diagrams.
*** Even if that was true i must stop ordering astromechs to ram X-wings into the Death Star.

[Rockphed]

* Star Wars ships do not use reactionless drives.

Star wars space has a healthy supply of air to use as reaction mass. It is not very breathable, so they need masks to breathe in space, but just look at the swooping acrobatics of an x-wing.

[KorvinStarmast]

* I may no longer take the farmer's wife shopping for new shoes, boots, and a summer holiday dress.

** I may no longer buy the farmer a present for his wife to deliver to him.

*** I may no longer bribe the caravan master to take the farmer's wife home safely to her husband with the underlying threat that I will hunt him down and feed him his own nuts should he fail to get her home safely

**** I may no longer excuse my imperfections under the premise that I am an upright and proper lady a Celestial Warlock who has no issues who will kill you as soon as look at you ..

[paragonofcoward]

*I may no longer steal the dm's thunder by correctly guessing important plot points (two sessions in a row)
**I may no longer name horses after dead party members

[Lord Raziere]

* May not make a character whose catchphrase is "If ain't worth a boom, it ain't worth a billion"
** May not make a goblin wizard inventor who knows almost nothing but evocation spells
*** may not make constant capitalist verbal advertising for things like my useless inventions
**** or advertise my potions as "Boomabillion healing potions! an explosion of healing! for when your experiments blow up in your face!"
***** May not make her say "I dislike all the goblin guilds trying to replace bards with Arcane Intelligences, wheres the passion in that?"

[Bohandas]

*Gryffindor is not on double secret probation

[tyckspoon]

*Gryffindor is not on double secret probation

**Gryffindor is on Ultra Merlin Charm of Probate. It's more wizardy.
*** Ultra Merlin Charm of Probate is NOT a YuGiOh Spell card. Yet.

[Rockphed]

* My character in Call of Cthulhu is not afflicted with 1920s Big Idea Man syndrome.
** I cannot induct the shoggoth into my pyramid scheme multi-level marketing opportunity.
*** Especially not while we are trying to fight monsters in an actual pyramid.

* If I decide to have my character pretend to be Clarence the Unwinged Angel, I don't get to complain when the GM gives me wings for my good deeds.
** Even if it hurts.
*** And they grow bigger every time a bell sounds in my vicinity.

* I cannot pretend to be an angel in settings with active gods.

[Telok]

* The GM saying "fluff is mutable" apparently does not mean that I get to change spell fluff into lewd visual puns or describe standard normal weapons & attacks as exotic stabby marital aids & a series of groin shots.

** No more swapping magic spell & martial stunt fluff & descriptions either. Burning hands is not "spray vodka from my mouth across a candle" and opportunity attacks are not "instant knife spell".

*** Color & texture swaps are out too. No more hot pink silk ribbon dagger whips that are mechanically rapiers.

**** "Fluff is mutable" is no longer an option with this GM.

[TeChameleon]

* Hunting mushrooms in the dark and promptly being attacked by adamantine skeletons is not, in fact, a perfectly normal night, D&D or not. Also, the DM entirely deserves all the Wolverine jokes.

** Upon bludgeoning said skeletons into submission, deciding that we should just abscond with them bodily because adamantine is valuable and/or useful is apparently unexpected, or at least unexpected by the DM.

*** Monks may no longer be absolute bottom of the barrel as of 5e, but there's still something wrong with a monk putting out roughly as much damage as the entire rest of the party put together.

**** Finding an Amulet of Pure Good being worn by an apparent undead should, on reflection, be given more consideration than 'woohoo! new magic item!' ((and no, it wasn't just a construct according to an arcana check, since there was necromancy involved in its creation))

* If my character's reaction, upon discovering that they had ended up in the Warhammer 40,000 universe, is relief, either something has gone gravely wrong or they should have significantly more PTSD than they currently do.

[KorvinStarmast]

*** Monks may no longer be absolute bottom of the barrel as of 5e, but there's still something wrong with a monk putting out roughly as much damage as the entire rest of the party put together.

No, there isn't. Dice are/can be swingy and fickle.

* If my character's reaction, upon discovering that they had ended up in the Warhammer 40,000 universe, is relief, either something has gone gravely wrong or they should have significantly more PTSD than they currently do.

Heh, that got a wry grin out of me.