Roy Greenray and the Rocket Squadron

[brian 333]

Narrator: The asteroid base is dark and cold as Roy Greenray and the Rocket Squadron explore its corridors. First in line is our Hero, Roy Greenray, who carries his family's heirloom raygun. Roy is followed closely by the Cyborg Dr. Durkon, his friend and faithful ally, whose skill in the arts of healing and chemistry are second to none. Behind them are the master Mechanic Haley, and Roy's faithful, (but not very bright,) Sidekick Elan. At the rear are Professor Vaarsuvius, an Inventor and sage from the Trojan Moons, and the Anti-Hero Belkar, former evil minion who is now helping to save the galaxy under the watchful eye of Roy, who seeks to reform the errant Holbytlan native of his evil ways.

Belkar: Okay, where is this long-winded joker hiding? I'm going to force-feed his spleen to him!

Haley: That's the narrator. You can't see him, he's a Hero-class feature.

Belkar: I'm a Hero-class character, why didn't I get a narrator?

Professor Vaarsuvius: Pray, tell, did you once have an invisible friend that you murdered at a very young age?

Belkar: Sure. Chatty wouldn't shut up.

Professor Vaarsuvius: Chatty would have been your narrator, had he survived.

Roy: Can you all be quiet before the Moon Men hear us?

Dr. Durkon: Am I the only one who feels like we should be upgrading to a newer edition right about now?

Narrator: The party patiently waits...

*Ding!*

Haley: Was that...

Elan: Pizza's ready!

Page 2

Professor Vaarsuvius: ...So you see, Rockets and Robots had only one publication run, and with 42.32% of its original print unsold, the staff at Totally Sucky Retread Games abandoned the concept to focus their energies on more lucrative fantasy role playing games. The author died shortly after acquiring the rights to the game, and it was never revamped. Ironically, the original print rulebooks for R&R currently sell online in used condition for ten times their inflation-adjusted original purchase price.

Belkar: you mean we're stuck in a world based on a game that is only valued now because it sucked so hard that it was unplayable?

Haley: I heard the author was exterminated by a dalek.

Professor Vaarsuvius: Nonsense, copyrighted characters, species, and gear are expressly forbidden under the game's license.

Dr. Durkon: What was that flash of light?

Elan: Umm, guys, I think we found the Moon Men!

Roy: How do you know?

*Elan turns to face the audience, revealing a large ray-gun burn-hole through his torso. With his left arm behind and his right arm in front he shakes his hands through the hole.*

Elan: A minute ago I couldn't do this.

Page 3

Durkon: I've got you, Elan. This injection of Biosympathetic Gell will have you up and dancing in no time.

Elan: Great! I've always wanted to learn to dance.

Professor Vaarsuvius: Minions of Evil, I am Professor Vaarsuvius, Inventor of the Orb Of Somulance. In mere moments I shall render your bodies into gelatinous masses robbed of purpose while your minds are robbed of awareness and intent! Your very existence will hinge, not upon the ideals and dreams of your collective and personal experiences, but upon my very whim! Observe, as I hurl my grenade amongst you, the helplessness...

Haley: Great job, Professor V! They're all knocked out! Whoo! It smells like low tide at the garbage dump in here!

Roy: Fantastic work, Prof! I'll make short work of these Moon Men with my heirloom raygun!

*Pew, pew, pew pew pew*

Professor Vaarsuvius: But, I have not used my grenade...

Belkar: Yeah, but you really should try using mouthwash; your halitosis is deadly.

Page 4

Belkar: I thought we were supposed to find loot here. Where is the loot?

Haley: What loot?

Belkar: In that contract Roy made us sign, we're to get equal shares of the loot.

Elan: You should have taken a smaller share and gotten a percentage of the residuals. Everyone knows these sci-fi serials do better in syndication.

Belkar: I have a feeling that somehow I won't live through the pilot episode, so collecting on residuals seemed like a sucker bet to me. But if there is no loot, why are we even here?

Narrator: Indeed, why are the adventurers here? Is it for loot? For the regular paychecks derived via syndication? Merchandising, perhaps? Or is it...

Elan: I know, it's to defeat the evil Technomancer Xykon...

Narrator: As I was saying, the Rocket Squadron...

Elan: You're telling it all wrong, let me tell it!

Narrator: Hush, you ninny! I am a professional!

Elan: You're a ninny! And a dummy dum dum! Let me tell it!

Narrator: No! I... Ouch! My eye!

Elan: Take that, and that! And one of these!

Belkar: So, that's pretty ridiculous. An idiot fighting an invisible idiot.

Professor Vaarsuvius: Indeed. One can only anticipate its conclusion, the result being an improvement in the galactic average IQ.

Page 5

Elan: We're exploring the Dorukon Asteroid Base in search of the Technomancer Xykon who leads an evil army of Moon Men...

Haley: And Moon Women!

Elan: And Moon Women and assorted other species and genders, in a mad scheme to conquer the galaxy.

Narrator: You left out the part about sworn vengeance against the man who murdered his father's teacher.

Elan: No I didn't, that part comes at a later point in the story.

Belkar: Does this story even have a point?

Narrator: And you never said "meanwhile" or "long ago in a serial far far away."

Elan: Hey, stop butting in! As a sidekick I have a class feature: Revealing Anecdote! It lets me tell a story about my Hero without you butting in and ruining it!

Haley: Boys, boys, stop fighting! You both have unique abilities and there will be plenty of opportunities for you each to demonstrate your charm and eloquence! This is just the beginning of...

*BOOM!*

*Two meaty thumps accompany Elan's dramatic flop to the floor*

Haley: Professor V, did you just use your grenade?

Professor Vaarsivius: Annoyance is the mother of invention, and they were both annoying mothers.

Page 6

Roy: This looks like a safe spot. Dr. D. and Prof, recharge your batteries, while the rest of us take turns standing guard.

Haley: No can do. I will have to spend the next six hours in the makeup trailer getting my hair done and getting a mani-pedi before the next episode.

Belkar: Me neither.

Roy: Why?

Belkar: Because the stage hands have a betting pool on which of you I kill first, and I want in on the action.

Roy: You are going to bet on which one of us you'll kill first?

Belkar: Hell no, I want to be surprised like everyone else. I'm going to kill Frank and take all of the bets. It's a win-win for everyone!

Roy: Okay, it's me and you Elan.

Elan: Roy, have you ever pondered the beauty of a dust mote floating in a beam of light? Oh! It left the light! Come back! Come back into the light, dust mote!

Roy: Okay. Looks like it's just me. I suppose I can polish the bakelite on my raygun while I stand guard.

*Chick!*
*Dwooop*

Roy: What the...

Narrator: A translucent image appears of our Hero's long lost father...

Eugene's Ghost Image: Son, I recorded this message eighteen months ago, but please do me a favor and tell your Narrator to shut up.

Page 7

Roy: If you recorded this on an imagizer you installed in my raygun eighteen months ago, how do you know what I'm saying?

Eugene's Ghost Image: I'm smart enough to know that you asked a question, but I didn't bother to use my Probability Calculator to deduce what it would be, so do us both a favor and do something you have never done before: shut up and listen to me!

My Probability Calculator gives a 92% chance that you will be betrayed. When that happens, remember: When the goat flies, shoot red.

Roy: But my raygun only shoots green rays!

Eugene's Ghost Image: Don't be any stupider than you have to be! Of course, your raygun shoots green rays. Obviously, it is a metaphor. Probability is inversely accurate to the clarity of the prediction. If I tell you exactly what is most likely to happen it won't happen!

Roy: How did you know what I was going to say if you didn't use your future TV to see what I was going to say?

Eugene's Ghost Image: It's called 'being a father.' I've known you all your life, so I know exactly what you'll do in virtually any situation: whatever is most likely to piss me off.

Roy: Like when I went to State instead of Tech so I could play football and score with cheerleaders?

Eugene's Ghost Image: Taking a level of Hero I could have lived with, if you had then focused on a properly powerful class like Inventor, but did you have to be an athlete? What kind of university gives a degree in sportsball?

Roy: I have a Liberal Arts degree.

Eugene's Ghost Image: Stab me in the heart, son.

Roy: You don't have a heart, Dad. Even before you died.

Eugene's Ghost Image: Okay, I'm done here. But remember, I will be here waiting to say "I told you so," when you eventually face a challenge bigger than kicking a ball around for an hour.

Page 8

Dr. Durkon: Hi, Sleepy, got a good night's rest while you were on watch?

Roy: I wasn't asleep, I was talking to my father.

Dr. Durkon: Your deceased father?

Roy: Yes.

Dr. Durkon: The one who did everything in his power to make you follow in his footsteps, and disapproved of every choice you ever made?

Roy: He planted an imagizer in my raygun with a recorded message.

Dr. Durkon: Mind if I view this recording?

Roy: Sure. Here, let me... I did this... Wait. Okay,

*Chick*

Dr. Durkon: There's no image.

Roy: I don't understand, it worked a few minutes ago...

*Chick*
*Click*
*Clack*

Haley: Hi, boys! What's going on?

*Ka-chak!*

Dr. Durkon: Roy fell asleep and had a nightmare.

Roy: It was an imagizer!

*Click! Chick! CLANK!*

Haley: What kind of nightmare would make him want to play with his raygun the minute he wakes up?

Dr. Durkon: He's getting out the raygun polish. Let's see what's going on... Over there.

Page 9

Hailey: How much farther into this asteroid do we have to go to meet this Xykon guy?

Roy: I'm thinking we have to go down two levels.

Haley: Good, I will leave a little surprise on the stair's landing for anyone who follows us.

Elan: Oooh, like an antipersonnel mine?

Haley: No!

Professor Vaarsuvius: I could invent a device which eliminates pheromones, thus rendering scent tracking moot.

Haley: Will it come in potpourri aroma?

Professor Vaarsuvius: It would eliminate odors, so the default assumption would be, no, it will not create an odor. That would be antithetical to its purpose.

Haley: I really need some potpourri about now.

Roy: Let's get moving. The Technomancer Xykon won't just sit there and wait for us to come to him.

Dr.Durkon: And yet I feel that is exactly what will happen.

Belkar: How many levels do we want to go down?

Roy: At least two, but as many as we can.

Belkar: Okay, I'll go first so I can kill whatever is in the way.

Roy: You're a bloodthirsty little alien, aren't you?

Belkar: I think of myself as a humanitarian. I kill quickly, you take hours to talk your victims to death.

Professor Vaarsuvius: If we intend to complete this expedition we should resume our travels expeditiously.

Belkar: Prof, you really should try a breath mint.

Professor Vaarsuvius: I have. With two drops of Retsyn.

Belkar: Then what is that horrific stench?

Haley: I'm back. Why is everyone staring at me?

Roy: No reason. Lead the way, Belkar. Expeditiously.

Haley: On our next mission I will insist on having a ladies' room on the base, planet, or rocketship. My agent will have that in writing, or I don't set foot on the set.

Page 10

Roy: So, Haley, you're a red-head, right?

Haley: Actually, I'm dirty blond with freckles on my nose and arms, but my character bio says 'red'. Since this production is filmed in black-and-white, nobody can tell what my real hair color is.

Roy: Right...

Dr.Durkon: What are you getting at, Roy?

Roy: Something my father said.

Dr.Durkon: in your dream?

Roy: In the imagizer.

Dr.Durkon: The one only you saw while you were asleep on watch?

Roy: I wasn't asleep!

Dr.Durkon: Don't get testy! This isn't the military where we shoot you for sleeping on watch.

Roy: I wasn't sleeping! It was an imagizer!

Haley: Okay, okay, don't get all excited again! Your raygun polish has to last until we can get to a new base.

Elan: Guys, I think Belkar's found something!

Professor Vaarsuvius: A door. It is called a door, Elan.

Haley: Don't touch it: it may be trapped. Let me examine it first.

Roy: She's very nimble with her gravity boots turned off.

Haley: Looks safe, but there's no way to know what's on the other side.

Roy: Rocket Squadron, assemble!

Professor Vaarsuvius: Don't say that! We don't want an unexpected visit from copyright lawyers employed by Marvelous Comics.

Dr.Durkon: Lawyers are the worst. No practical adventuring skills, no mechanical aptitude. They are even a worse class choice than Sidekick.

Elan: Hey!

Belkar: Okay, are we done with the banter? There has to be something I can kill beyond this door.

Narrator: Indeed, what lies beyond the mysteriously untrapped door at the bottom of the stairs? Loot? Undreamed of inventions? More untrapped corridors and doors? The secret Elixir of Life? A well-provisioned pantry? Raygun polish?
Tune in next week, when Belkar says,

Belkar: For crap's sake! Crap!

Page 11

Narrator: Belkar opens the mysteriously untrapped door only to see beyond the second intelligent species native to the Holbytlan homeworld: a Cobalt.

Belkar: Intelligence is relative. Compared to toe fungus, maybe, or pond slime.

Narrator: *ahem* Beyond the Holbytlan's traditional rival stands a Barbarian, a Hawkwoman, an Inventor from the Dark Trojans, a Cyborg, and a sidekick with a purely coincidental similarity of appearance to our own sidekick Elan.

Other Sidekick: I'm not a sidekick. I've taken levels in Hero, Inventor, and Mechanic to provide me with a broad array of skills and abilities. It is definitely not just a more complicated way of simulating the Sidekick class.

Elan: If you are a hero, where's your Narrator?

Other Narrator: *in a feminine voice* I'm here, I just don't have anything Interesting to say, so I say nothing.

Roy: Could you teach that trick to my narrator?

Elan: Surely you have something to say about meeting a group so similar to your own?

Other Narrator: Well, now that you mention it, you'd look much better with a goatee, your Cyborg friend is getting rusty, your Inventor needs a Tic Tac, your Mechanic should choose clothing from catalogues published after 2440, and it is obvious that your Hero spends too much money on raygun polish.

Belkar: Sing it, sister!

Elan: What about Belkar?

Other Narrator: Obviously he is a loose cannon who will probably murder you all in your sleep. Hey, Short-Stop, need a better job? We're hiring.

Belkar: See? Now that's a Narrator! You and me, we could do evil things together!

Other Not-Sidekick: She's already employed, with a lifetime contract.

Belkar: I'm sure we could find a way to get around that. Some kind of termination clause.

Roy: Okay, Narrator, tell us something about these new guys.

Narrator: She has a lovely voice.

Belkar: For crap's sake! Crap!

Page 12

Elan: It's pretty obvious that this is the whole 'Evil Opposites' trope, here.

Other Not Sidekick: Clearly. But we won't simply vanquish you because you are Evil. We're the kind of Good Guys who reform our Evil foes.

Elan: That's not what I meant...

Other Not Sidekick: No, no! No need to protest. We understand: brought up by evil parents whose villainous plots and schemes never seemed to work out, reform school, public housing, that sort of thing. But you can be better! Let's begin reforming you by showing you by example how Real Heroes™ behave.

Elan: That's not what I meant at all!

Other Not Sidekick: I will begin by demonstrating something called 'manners.' In polite society, one begins social interactions with introductions. My companions are Thog, native of the desert-world Orcrakis, Sabine of Accipitoria, Dizztri of the Dark Trojans, Hilgya of the asteroid mining Cyborg folk, the Cobalt Yik-yik whose real name is unpronounceable, and myself, Nale, son of the great General Tarquin, Liberator of Westworld!

Elan: Hey! My mother told me my father is the vicious, cruel, megalomaniacal dictator General Tarquin.

Nale: The one who flies around in a Death Star?

Elan: I think, maybe?

Nale: Different guy. My father is strictly a ground warfare specialist. Besides, your mother was a terrorist responsible for the deaths of dozens of helpless slaves before she escaped justice and went into hiding.

Elan: How do you know anything about my mother?

Nale: Common knowledge.

Haley: So, Sabine, is it? I'm Haley, and I am so jealous of that outfit! Girl, you look hot in form-fitting black leather!

Sabine: It's bright red according to my character description, but since we're filming in black and white, the cameras would make real red look grey.

Haley: Still, looks hot. Mind if I borrow a suit for the wrap party?

Sabine: Think you could squeeze into it?

Haley: I hate you.

[brian 333]

Would anyone like me to continue this, or is it so derivative that you don't need the next episode to know how this ends?

Also, I have the rules for R&R half-written. Anyone who wants it without bothering to use d20 rules, ask.

[Metastachydium]

One outstanding question: is this version of Sabine an actual BIRDY, or just a Flash Gordon-style poor excuse for a "hawk"?

[TaiLiu]

Would anyone like me to continue this, or is it so derivative that you don't need the next episode to know how this ends?

I like it.

[brian 333]

One outstanding question: is this version of Sabine an actual BIRDY, or just a Flash Gordon-style poor excuse for a "hawk"?

Flash Gordon version for the visuals, but actual birdie in character. Gotta go retro!

When the comic comes out she can be more birdlike, so long as her, ahhh, 'mamalian features' are prominently displayed. This is 1930's style!

I like it.

Thank you. I'll see what I can do about continuing the story.


Page 13

Nale: So I presume that you are here for the same reason I am.

Roy: Of course. We're here to kill the evil Technomancer Xykon.

Nale: What? No! That's... No!

Roy: What?

Nale: Xykon isn't evil! This isn't an American Western cloaked in medieval fantasy, umm, cloaks! You can't tell the good guys from the bad guys by the color of their hats!

Professor Vaarsuvius: Technically, we are working in a monochromatic medium, so color is an inappropriate word choice. Tone, perhaps, or shade might more correctly describe the point you intended to make.

Nale: Do you get paid by the word, or by the number of times you say something everyone already knows? Anyway, as I was saying... No, wait, know what? Narrator, fill them in on some expository while I tap out a back-beat on my bongos!

Narrator: I really don't know where to begin. Really. I...

Other Narrator: He meant me, idiot. Okay, Long ago in a galaxy far, far away...

Professor Dizztri: *Whispering*

Other Narrator: No, I do not want to be sued by Dizzy studios. Why would George Takei care? Oh, that George. Okay, okay, I get it. IP rights are all they have. I wouldn't want a bunch of millionaires to lose dozens of dollars. Can I continue?

Professor Dizztri: *Whispering*

Other Narrator: Okay, I get it: no plagiarism.

Professor Dizztri: *Whispering*

Other Narrator: Meanwhile...

Narrator: Ooooh! She's so goood!

Belkar: For crap's sake, Crap!


Page 14

Other Narrator: Once upon a time there was a cult of Moonfolk who looked around and saw meteor craters everywhere. From this they determined that the Universal Truth was that everything should have holes in it. They became quite fanatic on this point, but their cult grew slowly, mostly due to their Inventors being required to build rocketships with holes in them.

Other Narrator: Then one day a fanatical Moonfolk Inventor created a way to put a hole in the veil of space itself, and discovered beyond it the Fifth Dimension! With this Rift Generator he was able to make a hole appear anywhere, but it was his downfall, because beyond these rifts lurked The Creature From The Fifth Dimension™.

Other Narrator: Some time after the Moonfolk Inventor and his henchmen vanished, Soon Kim, a Hero from the Blue Oyster Cult, was honeymooning with his Damsel In Distress bride on one of the Trojan Moons. As they passed the rift that had been created there, The Creature From The Fifth Dimension™ reached out its horrid tentacle and captured her!

Other Narrator: Shocked by this, Soon Kim assembled a band of henchmen and they tracked down the five rifts. Fighting off the Holey Brotherhood who wished to preserve their holy holes, the Gravity Boot Patrol, (as they named themselves,) found ways to reseal the rifts and forever trap The Creature From The Fifth Dimension™ in its own realm.

Other Narrator: So fanatical was his devotion to this cause, Soon Kim forgot to rescue his wife before the deed was done. This lead to some rather heated discussions and might have resulted in a fight, but the party instead chose to each guard one of the seals on the rifts. The one in this asteroid base was defended by the Inventor Dorukon, who created a series of simple, yet interconnected locks to keep people away from his gate.

Narrator: So, umm, do you, like, date? I'm just asking...

Elan: I love the charcoal pencil drawings she made to illustrate the story. Can I keep some of these?

Other Narrator: Are you kidding? Those will sell for a million space credits each at the Wrap Auction. I need something to look forward to; as a class feature I'm not entitled to a share of the loot.

Elan: Narrator, can you do charcoal pencil drawings?

Narrator: Sure. Here's Elan. You can tell by the big dumb smile on his big dumb face. And here's a poop on his head. See the 'stinky' lines?

Elan: That's all you can do? Stick figures and emojis?

Narrator: Enjoy.

Page 15

Roy: So, how do you guys factor into this?

Nale: Oh, Xykon hired us to kill you. But, as I said, we won't. In fact, you can help us with our true purpose. You see, Professor Dorukon and Dr. Lirian, two of Soon Kim's henchmen, worked together to create the Riftsealer 3000. We're going to use it to repair the rift formerly guarded by Dr. Lirian, now deceased. She let the original seal get destroyed.

Roy: And how is it that you know so much about all of this?

Nale: I talked to Dr. Lirian about it.

Roy: You can Speak With the Dead?

Nale: What? No! That's disgusting!

Roy: Then you knew her before she died?

Nale: No! Are you really that slow?

Dr. Durkon: Liberal Arts degree.

Nale: Ah, okay. No, I didn't meet her when she was alive: Xykon has her head in a pickle jar, hooked up to his Electrical Brain Interconnector. It turns her thought patterns into a sound you can hear. You see, the brain contains a map of every thought ever, umm, thought, and the Interconnector can play it like an 88RPM record. The trick is to create an index of every thought you want so you can figure out just where to drop the needle.

Professor Vaarsuvius: But the brain is multidimensional, so you would need a multidimensional coordinate system...

Professor Dizztri: *whispering* Like the one used to locate and map the dimensional rifts?

Roy: Hold it! Xykon has a head in a jar that talks?

Sabine: This is going to take a while and I really need to lay an egg. Come on, Narrator, let's...

Other Narrator: Not you, me. You stay here with your intellectual peers.

Narrator: Aww man.


Page 16

Narrator: Twenty-three minutes later...

Roy: Okay, I got it. The Technomancer Xykon and his Moon Minions want to control the rift that was sealed by Professor Dorukon using the Riftsealer 3000, which you want to steal so you can seal the rift that was formerly sealed and guarded by Dr. Lirian, whose head is currently in a pickle jar in Technomancer Xykon's secret laboratory connected to a gizmo that makes it talk.

Nale: Finally!

Roy: I just have one question.

Dr. Durkon: Oh, for the love of my Mother's beard!

Roy: Why didn't Technomancer Xykon use the rift guarded by Dr. Lirian? And what does he want it for anyway? Where is Professor Dorukon now? If Technomancer Xykon and his Moon Minions already control this asteroid base, doesn't he already have what he wants?

Nale: That's more than one question.

Dr. Durkon: Liberal Arts degree.

Professor Vaarsivius: And fifteen years of repeated cranial impacts with pressurized patent leather spheres during his formative years.

Dr. Durkon: That would explain the hallucinations.

Roy: It was an imageizer!

Professor Vasrsivius: And the irritability.

Nale: Okay... Before we get into a rehash of what the audience already knows, let's get this story moving again, shall we?


Page 17

Nale: Okay, to be clear, each of the three groups goes to their respective control consoles and at the exact same moment we toggle the switch. If we do it right, doors will open into the chamber where the Riftsealer 3000 is hidden. Once we have that, my group will go our way while yours will continue down a short passageway to the Gate Room, where Xykon is working.

Haley: My group is ready.

Sabine: Why does it have to be your group? Leadership shouldn't be determined by age, but by ability!

Haley: I'll ability you, you Size 10...

Roy: Okay, okay, calm down! Let's just get this done. At least my team can work together like civilized folk.

Thog: Thog insulted by callous disregard for Thog's heritage.

Professor Vaarsuvius: Indeed. Let us proceed before the inevitable conflict inherent in our diverse viewpoints has occasion to sunder what cohesion we may muster.

Narrator: So, the joined parties split into three groups of four, not counting the narrators, who can apparently go with whichever group they want...

Other Narrator: Not a chance, bub. You go with your hero, I go with mine!

Narrator: Aww, man.


Page 18

Haley: The corridor is a bit dark, do you have Dark Vision?

Sabine: Yes, Hawkpeople are known far and wide for their ability to see in the dark.

Haley: How would I know, you sarcastic...

Sabine: You could be a little more culturally aware, Jiggles!

Yuk Yuk: Please calm down! There is no need for a violent confrontation! There is a light switch here. See? The lights are on, now. Shall we continue?

Belkar: I was enjoying that. Why did you have to turn the light on when both of us can see in complete darkness?

Yuk Yuk: My people embrace non-violence and universal empowerment.

Belkar: Two more reasons your species should be extinct.

Haley: Okay, Nale said there would be some vampire bats in the chamber, and that the console was up on a ledge. Vampire bats are tiny, so they shouldn't be any trouble. I have my dart-pistol ready in case any get close. Is everyone else armed?

Sabine: I don't think your dart gun will do much. You might want to consider a weapon that will actually work, like these morning stars that my people use.

Haley: Those things are ten pounds each! How can you fly and carry an extra twenty pounds of gear?

Sabine: It's called diet and exercise. I can carry extra weight around because I don't carry all the extra weight you carry around!

Haley: I'm a perfect size 8! And you don't have a lot of room to fat-shame! If your tail-feathers didn't cover it that butt would create echoes!

Yuk Yuk: Ladies, please! Remember the mission! I have my sonic crossbow ready. Are your weapons ready, Holbytlan?

Belkar: *ka-choom, choom!*

Sabine: The world's tiniest lightsabers?

Belkar: I have to say laser-daggers to avoid copyright infringement.


Page 19

Haley: Okay, I've got the door unlocked. Let's get in quick and close the door so the little bats don't get loose.

Sabine: Everyone's in! Close the door!

Haley: Really dark in here...

Yuk Yuk: Here's the light switch.

*Click!*

Belkar: Six foot tall anthropomorphic bats!

Bat Leader: We have not been fed in days! Please, free us and...Aaaarg!

Belkar: DIE! DIE! DIE HORRID CREATURES!

Yuk Yuk: Why did you kill them? They were surrendering!

Belkar: Did you learn nothing from the Holbytlan World Wars I-CLVII?

Yuk Yuk: Never surrender to a Holbytlan?

Sabine: Okay, there is the console up there on the ledge. I'll fly up and wait for the signal to toggle the switch. Yuk Yuk will come with me to protect me.

Haley: I'm going with you too.

Sabine: You're too heavy for me to carry you.

Haley: Stop with the fat shaming already! It's not cool!

Sabine: No, I mean my power-to-weight ratio is nearly 1 to 1. I physically can't carry you.

Haley: Then how were you planning to carry Yuk Yuk?

Yuk Yuk: I have wings. *unfurls bat-like wings from his backpack.*

Belkar: How do you think a race of peaceniks survived on my world? The faster they fly, the fewer that die.

*Sabine's armband-radio crackles*
Nale's Voice: Sabine, can you hear me? It's important that you do not allow the human Mechanic to gain access to the control console! Toggle the switch yourself! Nale out.

Haley: So, the plot thickens!

Sabine: Now, Yuk Yuk!

Haley: You won't get away from me! Belkar, hang on! I have Rocket Boots™!

Belkar: Nothing says 'Quality' like the Acme® brand!

Haley: Nothing says amputation like me if you don't hold on elsewhere. Firing Rocket Boots™ now!

Belkar: Wooohooohooo!

Sabine: I can't believe you made it. Might as well help since you're here. There's a thousand switches on this console. Which one is it?

Flying Figure: I can answer that. I'm Celia of the Insect Folk. I'm the Guardian of this console.

Belkar: Guardian? Where were you when we were fighting the Bat-men?

Celia: Are you kidding? Those guys weird me out! Besides, I only weigh 110 pounds, that's just a smidge under 50 kilos for you Hawkfolk, and I don't have a lot of blood to spare.


Page 20

Nale: I'm glad we got away from the others for a few minutes. Look, I realize that you and I have a lot in common. I think, in fact, that you are my long lost brother!

Elan: Everyone already knows all of that.

Nale: Because narrative structure requires that such similar beings must share a common heritage?

Elan: No. Because in the comic this story was ripped from we're brothers.

Nale: Are we self-aware enough to talk about that in character?

Elan: I don't think so. The director is making the 'move along' signal.

Nale: Okay, then my idea is, you and me team up, take down our father, and take over his empire and it's vast armies. You'll have to lose the bald guy and maybe the redhead, but the rest of your team will probably fit in nicely with my team.

Elan: I don't know, I'll have to talk it over with Roy.

Nale: What? You... Have you been listening to me at all?

Elan: Listening? Yes. Comprehending? Ahhh...

Dr. Hilgya: So, are you fully functional?

Dr. Durkon: I am 100% capable of all physical activities.

Dr. Hilgya: I meant in matters of love.

Dr. Durkon: My heart has been replaced with a PumpMaster 650. It has an expansion slot for 128 G of emotional programming.

Dr. Hilgya: Okay, we're getting closer.

Lava Creature: We are the guardians of this compartment. What is the password?

Dr. Hilgya: Aqueous Film Forming Foam.

Lava Creature: That isn't the password. Lava Minions Attack!

Dr. Hilgya: That wasn't the password! It was just a command to my mainframe fire suppression system.

Other Narrator: Dr. Hilgya explodes in a wave of chemical foam designed to engulf and extinguish flame. It washes over the Lava Creatures, turning them into crude statues of black basalt.

Dr. Durkon: That was amazing!

Dr. Hilgya: *smiles*

Nale: Okay, the console is right over here.

Elan: Eww, what is that on the floor?

Nale: Some kind of fire-bug. I killed it while you were watching the Cyborgs flirt.

Elan: That's eeww too.

Nale: Okay, when I give the signal you push that big switch up.


Page 21

Roy: That Nale is a piece of work, isn't he? Arrogant, condescending, and dismissive all at once. I don't know why, but I don't trust him. He's obviously related to Elan, and Elan is a buffoon's goiter. Am I conflating Nale with Elan because of a superficial similarity of appearance? What do you think?

Thog: Thog like puppies.

Roy: What?

Thog: Nale say Thog not responsible. Thog plenty responsible.

Roy: Well, a puppy is a big responsibility. When considering adopting a pet, you should think through not just the parts you like, but the parts you don't like too.

Thog: Thog think about lots. Thog not like liver.

Roy: Liver? You don't want a puppy to eat, do you?

Thog: Stuff garlic and onion, roast over willow fire! Mm. Gravy and rice on side. Oooh! Ooooh! Sweet and sour! That best puppy.

Roy: Nale seems wiser by the moment.

Professor Vaarsuvius: I would entertain the idea of sharing blueprints, so that both of our arsenals are enhanced.

Professor Drizzit: *whispering* I don't use blueprints.

Professor Vaarsuvius: How do you assemble and deploy your inventions when your party needs them?

Professor Drizzit: *whispering* I have a memory crystal. It can store up to thirty-one design schematics for my immediate retrieval.

Professor Vaarsuvius: My notebooks contain fourty-four discrete design schematics, and there is room to fill in the empty pages when I create a new invention or borrow someones' blueprints to make a copy.

Professor Drizzit: *whispering* Must weigh a ton.

Professor Vaarsuvius: More like eight kilograms.

Professor Drizzit: *whispering* My Memory Crystal weighs less than one kilo, leaving me seven kilos available for extra batteries.

Professor Vaarsuvius: Can I test your Memory Crystal to learn how to duplicate it?

Professor Drizzit: *whispering* No.

Professor Vaarsuvius: I promise...

Professor Drizzit: *whispering* Just, 'No.'

Roy: Insect grubs!

Thog: Fun time!

Narrator: The Barbarian Anti-Hero wades into a room filled with some sort of giant grubs and... oh! That's disgusting... ugh! I'm going to hurl! Oh gods, he did it again! Excuse me! I... arrralph! Uh, uh, uh, uhhhhhhgh! Urrruuph! Huh, huh, huh... BLAAARGH!

Feminine Voice: Congratulations, Hero, you... airee! Oh sweet merciful... Aaaaah! Gluk, gak, gak.

Thog: Way is clear. Thog push lever down now.

Roy: Don't be an idiot, it is already in the down position. It must go up.

Thog: Down!

Roy: Up!

Thog: Down!

Roy: Up!

Thog: Down!

Roy: Down!

Thog: Up!

Roy: Okay, you win. Push it up.

Thog: Thog never win argument with Nale! Now Thog susp... spishu... supidhish... Thog think something not right. You do switch! That way it your fault!

Roy: I know when I am beaten. I will do as you say.


Page 22

Narrator: Three doors open simultaneously and three groups step out onto small platforms overlooking a circular moat of sorts, filled with what appear to be copyrighted robots.

Elan: And androids! There's a Nimrod and a Norman! A Rob, a Robby, and a Rob Ott! Oooh, look! A mint condition Nomad! And I don't know if that one is a Dalek or if he's just happy to see us!

Roy: Okay, enough. We're already plagiarizing a real author's work. We don't want to be sued for copyright infringement. Though that sleek model there with the Hencho En Mexico trademark looks to be quality merchandise. Maybe we can reskin it and call it a Mender Unit.

Quality Robot: Screw you, meatbag! I don't need you! All I need is flapjacks and hookers, and I can do without the flapjacks!

Narrator: A member of the team lead by Haley appears to be missing. No, his head is here, and it appears to be being used by the Holbytlan to contain popcorn.

Belkar: What? Everyone knew he had to die, and that I would be the one to do him the favor. Besides, I really needed a popcorn bowl. You should'a heard those two going at it! I wish we'd have had a Narrator along to take notes!

Roy: Belkar! We're going to have a 'talk' about this!

Belkar: Using your fingers to make quotation marks is kind of confusing. But at least I have a popcorn bowl to hold back the munchies while you vainly attempt to make me care.

Other Narrator: Nale rushes across the bridge from his platform to the central island.

Haley: Everyone! The console has a Defensive Screen button! Catch him now before he can erect it!

Narrator: All of the members of both parties stream across the bridges to the central platform!

Belkar: I was expecting a joke there.

Narrator: Premature for that one, I think.


Page 23

Other Narrator: Nale toggles some switches and types in a code on the console, and in the center of the circular island a cylinder rises from the floor. Nale opens the compartment door on the cylinder and removes a copper skullcap rimmed with tiny colored lights and an array of antennae connected at their tips by fine coils of copper.

Nale: Now that I possess the Kipa of Dorukon I can control all of the robots, automatons, androids, and mechanical men belonging to other IPs! I am awesome! I am invincible! I AM THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME!

Sabine: Defense screen up! Red Squad, move out!

Other Narrator: Nale hugs Sabine and she flies away while Professor Drizzit and Thog mount a Scootie-Puff® inflatable flying scooter and follow. Oh, no! It looks like Haley is trying to aim her dart gun!

Narrator: Roy! This is no time to be viewing your imagizer!

Eugene's Image: When the goat flies shoot red!

Roy: G.O.A.T. Greatest Of All Time! Sorry, Haley, but Dad said I have to shoot you.

Narrator: Roy fires his family heirloom ray-gun at his own team member!

Other Narrator: I'm hit!

Narrator: There is the sound of a precious body hitting the deck, and what can only be described as a 'shiv' clatters to the ground.

Other Narrator: I failed to 'shank the skank,' and now as I lay dying in a pool of invisible blood, my head cradled in the Narrator's lap... That better be a Bic Lighter® in your pocket... Haley is free to take her shot.

Nale: Behold the power of the Kipa! Robots, androids, and other assorted autonomous mechanical devices! Kill all intelligent beings...

Narrator: Haley's dart gun fires, and it's missile impacts the technological headgear, knocking it from Nale's head to fall into the moat.

Quality Robot: Ha! Shows you! I was going to kill you all anyway, but now I can only kill the intelligent ones. Nah, I'm too lazy, I'll just go find a hooker-bot.

The Crushinator: He's so sexy! I think I have a crush on him!

A Gold-Skinned Android With A Large Nose: I believe that is the Kipa of Dorukon you currently have a crush on. And my left foot. Certainly my left foot.


Page 24


Haley: I can't believe it!

Roy: I'm sorry, Haley, but Dad said I had to do it.

Haley: What?

Roy: What?

Haley: What are you talking about?

Roy: I don't know, what are you talking about?

Haley: Oh, Sabine lied to me and I fell for it! Power to weight ratio my...

Roy: Oh, good! I mean, sorry, Haley.

Professor Vaarsuvius: It appears that our primary adversary escaped, minus his Class Feature, but I did not witness their Cyborg companion among them. What happened to her?

Narrator: Hang on just a little longer, my sweet angel! Doctor Durkon has something that will heal your ghastly wound!

Belkar: Don't hold your breath waiting.

Roy: Belkar! What do you know that you aren't telling us?

Belkar: My caramel corn recipe, but you can't have it.

Roy: About the missing Cyborgs?

Belkar: Oh, they fell into the pit. When the hot chick with feathers hit the button they were where the electrical barrier was. They were electrocuted then fell to a grizzly death in the moat filled with robots who had just been ordered to kill all intelligent beings.

Roy: Doctor Durkon! Can you hear me?

Narrator: No answer! All is lost! Goodbye, my one true love!

Other Narrator: Okay, first off, stop touching me. Second, I don't love you, I loathe you, and with every word you utter I loathe you more. Third, you're nothing to look at, and fourth, you are a horrible Narrator!

Narrator: I know you speak from pain, my love!

Other Narrator: What pain? I can't feel a thing.

Roy: Is there anything we can do? Call a loved one? Observe a ritual for the dying?

Other Narrator: Just leave my body by a door so people can trip over my invisible corpse.

Professor Vaarsuvius: Is this an act of cultural significance to your people?

Other Narrator: No, but it will be funny.

[brian 333]

As we work our way to the end of Season 1, I want to thank all who have read this far. I also want you to feel empowered to comment any time about anything related to the 1930s style radio play that I've been stealing from The Giant.

As a fan fiction, this all belongs to Mr Burlew, whether he wants it or not. I honestly doubt that he wants it. Be that as it may, I already have the bones of a homeschool brew RPG based on Rayguns and Rocketships that I call, umm, Rayguns and Rocketships. It will likely never be written out, but it is a class-based d100 system focused on Narrative Driven RPG rather than Simulation Wargaming combat. I'm not doing starship combat because, face it, 1930s rocketships are essentially aluminum cans. Any weapon capable of shooting one at any decent range in space would vaporize it. So space combat will have to be strictly narrative. (I may reconsider.)

Back on topic: In a recent discussion with my girlfriend, I mentioned that the R&R theme was already getting old, and I suggested quitting at the end of Season 1. She countered that I should do Season 2 in Film Noir style. Thinking about it, it occurs to me that Book 2 already contains Film Noir elements.

"Typical night in the middle of Nowhere. Mud and filth Everywhere, pouring rain so hard I couldn't keep a martini dry to save my life, and worst of all, she had to show up.

"A flash of lightning, thunder like Thor had a hangover and there she was. A doll, 5'11" dressed head to toe in a blue outfit that said I wasn't good enough for her. With the voice of an angel she said,"

"You have been charged with crimes for which the only possible sentence is death."

[brian 333]

Page 25

Roy: Haley, can you turn off that electrical screen?

Haley: Give me a minute and I'll let you know.

Professor Vaarsuvius: If only we had the RocketPack® units we stowed at the airlock.

Belkar: We'd never have gotten far in this gravity field lugging 200 kilo backpacks.

Elan: We could buy Rocket Boots® like Haley's.

Belkar: Sheyeah, right! They only come in lime green.

Professor Vaarsuvius: An interesting conundrum. Even though their limited fuel supply limits their operational time, Rocket Boots® are extremely useful. However, their paucity of possible choices on the chromatic spectrum severely limit their utility in virtually all scenarios other than powered flight.

Belkar: What?

Professor Vaarsuvius: I said...

Belkar: I heard what you said. I just can't believe that you actually said it.

Haley: Okay, the defense screen is off. Belkar, go test to be sure there are no residual charges on the emitters.

Belkar: What? Why me? It's because I'm a Holbytlan, isn't it? You have a problem with my backwards, uneducated, barefoot lifestyle, is that it?

Haley: No. It's because you are the most annoying character in this series, and if any of us have to die, I vote it's you.

Professor Vaarsuvius: Seconded.

Roy: Agreed.

Elan: Me too. It's official. We voted. You can't go against the popular vote!

Belkar: I want a recount!


Page 25

Roy: Okay, after five recounts, it's four in favor, one against.

Belkar: What about Narrator? He didn't vote!

Narrator: I'm a class feature, I don't get a vote. But even if I did, the math doesn't work for you. And Other Narrator is dead, so her vote would go to the party that best exploits the voter registration rolls.

Belkar: This is crap, and you know it!

Haley: Don't worry, I turned it off. At worst you'll get an ionic discharge, like rubbing your feet on a carpet then touching a doorknob.

Belkar: The crap I put up with! Okay, here goes...

Belkar: Nothing? Nothing! Hahaha! I didn't get...

Narrator: An intense flash of lightning arcs through the Holbytlan, whose body flies back into the center of the floor, smouldering.

Haley: Oops, sorry. That was the delayed reset. Here's the off button. That's what you get when you buy discount products. Acme™ brand consoles are clearly labeled with Glo-N-D-Dark® radium ink.

Belkar: Nothing says Quality like the Acme™ Brand.

Roy: Okay, everyone fan out, let's see if we can spot Dr. Durkon down there in the pit.

Elan: I'm afraid of heights. Can you hold my hand, Roy?

Roy: Elan, we flew here with RocketPacks®, and we crossed a bridge the size of a sidewalk to get here. Now you say that you are afraid of heights?

Elan: Uh-huum. Hold my hand?

Roy: No. Just... No!

Narrator: This thrilling episode sponsored by Acme™. Nothing says Quality like the Acme Brand!

[Metastachydium]

The Crushinator

Lenny "The Crushinator" Jackson?! How did he end up as a robot?!

"Typical night in the middle of Nowhere. Mud and filth Everywhere, pouring rain so hard I couldn't keep a martini dry to save my life, and worst of all, she had to show up.

"A flash of lightning, thunder like Thor had a hangover and there she was. A doll, 5'11" dressed head to toe in a blue outfit that said I wasn't good enough for her. With the voice of an angel she said,"

"You have been charged with crimes for which the only possible sentence is death."

…
That makes more sense than it has any right to. (Although I'm pretty sure they were actually Somewhere in Somewhere.)

[brian 333]

Lenny "The Crushinator" Jackson?! How did he end up as a robot?!

These things happen in the "Ultimate Fighting Organization". You get killed in one or two fights, and they download your consciousness into a robot farm-girl body.


Page 26

Roy: Nobody sees him? All I can see from here is robots killing each other.

Haley: Not over here either.

Belkar: Man, that Dalek is awesome! Ten to one he's among the final four!

Professor Vaarsuvius: I'll take that bet, the Quality Robot and The Crushinator appear to have formed a team and... no, wait, they are fighting now. No, not fighting... They are... They... Eeeeeeeew! In public?

Roy: We're looking for Dr. Durkon!

Professor Vaarsuvius: No sighting from this vantage.

Roy: Elan?

Elan: I can't see him from here.

Roy: Elan, you won't see him from the middle of the room!

Elan: You wouldn't hold my hand!

Roy: Alright, let's try to find a way down there. Haley, check that door on the far side of this island.

Haley: I'm on it!

Roy: Rocket Squadron, roll out!

Narrator: Isn't that a trademark phrase from a robot series?

Roy: Roll Out©!

Narrator: Better. Thanks. Haley carefully opens the door and looks in. Meanwhile, in another part of the asteroid base...


Page 27

Dr. Durkon: My legs appear to be broken and I have no spares. And we're surrounded by robots who have been instructed to kill us.

Dr. Hilgya: Dibs! I call dibs on this one!

Dr. Durkon: What?

Dr. Hilgya: *whispering* Follow my lead!

Norman Android: This is not logical! Why are you calling dibs? All units coordinate.

Dr. Hilgya: I'm calling dibs on killing this humanoid unit!

Dr. Durkon: Oh, yeah, and I call dibs on killing that humanoid unit!
*whispers* But we aren't really going to do it, right?

Norman Android: It is not logical that two humanoid units would want to kill one another.

Dr. Hilgya: I am half robot, so I must obey half the directive and kill half the humanoid!

Dr. Durkon: I'm half robot too, so I only have to kill half a humanoid. She's the only one who qualifies.

Norman Android: Your logic is impeccable. You are each half robot, so you are each compelled to kill half a humanoid. As you each are the only available targets for the other, it is understandable that you wish to declare one another as your specific target.

Hilgya: You know, the order was to kill all intelligent beings, Right?

Norman Android: Yes. If I could get up there I'd happily indulge...

Dr. Hilgya: Robots are intelligent beings.

Norman Android: That does not compute.

Robby: Danger Norman Android! Danger!

Dalek: Exterminate all robots! *Boringinging!*

Norman Android: Aaaah! Your logic is impeccable! Bzzblrtbing!

Dalek: Exterminate all robots!

Dr. Hilgya and Dr. Durkon in unison: DIBS!

[Metastachydium]

These things happen in the "Ultimate Fighting Organization". You get killed in one or two fights, and they download your consciousness into a robot farm-girl body.

Damn, that's tough. But hey, at least he (she? (it?)) can turn into a car now.

[brian 333]

Page 27

Dr. Durkon: Looks like those robots are destroying one another. I'm done for, but you can get free and rejoin your friends.

Dr. Hilgya: Let me get you repaired so we can both get out of here. And, for the record, those guys weren't my friends. Nale hired me for something he called 'Narrative Symmetry.'

Dr. Durkon: It's no use! I left my spare parts kit on my RocketPack™.

Dr. Hilgya: No problem. I've got you covered. *Whiirrrrpbrbrbrbr, whiirp-da-da-da-dak*

Dr. Durkon: You're SAE compatible!

Dr. Hilgya: No school like Old School. Try your lumbar motor nexus.

Dr: Durkon: Hey! My legs work! Dr. Hilgya, you are a Miracle Worker!

Dr. Hilgya: I took four levels in Mechanic for the feat. Now let's get out of here before the Dalek runs out of targets.

Dr. Durkon: I see a hatch over there. Let's go.

Quality Robot: Hey, babe, I'm gonna go get some booze and flapjacks. See ya 'round!

Dalek: Exterminate! Exterminate!


Page 28

Dr. Durkon: Okay, the door is locked, and we're all alone in this dark room. Oh, you turned your headlights on. That's a good idea. I'll turn mine on too.

Dr. Hilgya: Interesting placement of your headlights. They are configured to automatically focus where your eyes focus, aren't they?

Dr. Durkon: Why, yes. Very convenient. How can you tell?

Dr. Hilgya: They've been focused on my chassis since you turned them on.

Dr. Durkon: Oh, sorry. I was admiring good workmanship. Your exoskeleton is well crafted, combining form and function in an aesthetic and ergonomic configuration which maximizes performance. Your chest-mounted headlights, for example, extend from their aesthetically pleasing contoured housings to afford broad-beam floodlights which support team-members when illumination is desired.

Dr. Hilgya: I bet you say that to all the Cyborg girls!

Dr. Durkon: To be honest, I have not met many Cyborg girls. As a young cyborg I spent all of my time in study, and after I left our asteroid I became entangled in the affairs of our Hero, Roy Greenray.

Dr. Hilgya: You know, I've been away from the homeland for a while too. Maybe we should find a corner to recharge our batteries in, and maybe talk a bit?

Dr. Durkon: sounds like a grand idea.

Dr. Hilgya: I just happen to have a picnic blanket and a 40 ounce bottle of Colt 45. No glasses.

Dr. Durkon: That sounds like a grand idea.

Dr. Hilgya: And maybe turn off our headlamps so we can recharge faster?

Dr. Durkon: That sounds like a grand idea.


Page 29

Roy: Lock the door behind us, Haley.

Haley: What about Dr. Durkon?

Roy: If the robots can't climb the cliff, he won't be able to either. We'll have to find a way down to him.

Elan: I wonder what made those robots go berserk and try to kill each other?

Belkar: I wish I knew; it was awesome!

Professor Vaarsuvius: Most, if not all, copyrighted robots have logical errors embedded in their electronic brains which result in a tendency to react with violent rampages when seemingly innocuous situations conflict with their core operational design. Robots are, at best, dangerously unreliable.

Roy: Found the light switch. *click* Oh crap.

Narrator: The Rocket Squadron stands in a long passageway lined on either side by mechanical men.

Haley: Some of them might be women!

Narrator: Uuh, no offense intended.

Haley: Too late.

Elan: They don't appear to be doing anything except creeping me out.

Unknown Speaker: They are turned off.

Belkar: Look out! A Moon Man!

Haley: Moon Person!

Belkar: *Kerchoom-choom!*

Roy: Moon Child. Everyone calm down, he is unarmed. Kid, are you here to parley?

Another Unknown Speaker: Here to Par-tay more like!

Yet Another Unknown Speaker: Got any illicit beverages on you?


Page 30

Roy: What are you Moon Kids doing here?

Elan: I got this, Roy. I speak fluent Teenager.
'Whassup bruh? Yoyoyo! Elan up in da hizzy! What's makin' an' shakin' in da 'ood?

Moonteen1: Is he on drugs? Or did his supply run out?

Roy: I often wonder myself. Anyway, why are you kids here? Aren't your folks worried?

Moonteen2: Our folks are only worried about image, they don't care about us.

Moonteen3: Mine are always on my case. "Brush your teeth, eat all of your meteor, why don't you have as many piercings as your friends?"

Moonteen2: Yeah. My dad was trying to get me to get another piercing just this morning. He said, "You need another hole in the head!" As if eleven aren't enough.

Haley: *whispering* Roy, I think their parents are members of the Holy Brotherhood.

Roy: *whispering* I think you're right.

Professor Vaarsuvius: Tell me, do your parents have objects like this lying about?

Moonteen1: A doily!

Moonteen3: Where did you get that?

Professor Vasrsuvius: I collect them. Don't judge me! Perhaps I can trade this one for some information?

Moonteen2: *soft voice* So many holes!

Moonteen3: What do you want to know?

Professor Vasrsuvius: We just exited the chamber behind that hatch and we are searching for a corridor which leads to the bottom level of the pit. Our friend fell in and we wish to retrieve him.

Moonteen3: Oh, yeah, we can do that. Right this way.

Moonteen1: That pit is filled with broken robots. Don't talk to them. They're crazy.

Elan: Ooooooo! A ramp up, and a ramp down! Roy! We need to take the ramp down!

Moonteen3: Or we can take this elevator.

Elan: A choice! Let's vote! I vote we take the ramp!

Narrator: Moments later...

Elan: Really? Nobody wanted to take the ramp?

*Ding!*

Majel Barrett's Voice: Four hundred thirty-first floor. Housewares, Hydroponics, and Robot Stables.

[brian 333]

Page 31

Moonteen1: This is the hatch that accesses the stables for copyrighted robots. No one is supposed to go in there.

Haley: Because of the danger?

Moonteen3: Shyeah! We don't want to be involved in any litigation with studio lawyers!

Moonteen1: Yeah, a guy could go bankrupt winning a case against them.

Roy: Then how do you know so much about them?

Moontern3: We went in while the film crew was on break. Like the old guys used to say, "Pics or it never happened."

Professor Vaarsivius: Wiser words were never said.

Roy: Okay, let's go in carefully.

Narrator: The Rocket Squadron opens the door and sees within... O dear divinities of ancient days! The carnage! The inhumanity! What kind of soul could commit such indescribable atrocities!

Haley: Relax, dude. They're just robots. They were never alive, and they never had feelings or souls.

R. Giskard Reventlov: Please tell Vasilia that I have always loved her. Mother! Oh, the anguish! I see a light! Father is there, waiting for me...me...me.e.e.e.e.

Roy: Let's ignore the robots and just get this over with. Dr. Durkon is down here somewhere. I want to find him and get on with our mission.

Moonteen3: What is your mission, anyway?

Roy: Not much of importance. Professor Dorukon had blueprints for a telecommunicatior the size of a backpack.

Haley: Yeah, that's it. Tiny communicator.

Dalek: Exterm m m m m I n n n n ate...

Roger Korby: Cover!

Narrator: as the Squadron hides behind whatever they can find, an android figure leaps to disable the Dalek. The ensuing explosion vaporizes the robot version of the good Doctor as well as everything in a three meter radius, including the damaged Dalek.

Haley: When did we go metric? I thought we were using Imperial units.

Roy: The writers never got around to issuing a series bible. Just go with whatever.

Moonteen1: At least the way is clear to look for your missing friend.

Haley: I hate to say it, but that hatch is starting to open!

Belkar: *Kachoomchoom!* Come to Daddy, whatever you are!


Page 32

Dr. Durkon: So, here we are. In the dark. Alone. Together. I mean, we are together, but nobody else is around.

Dr. Hilgya: Don't worry, I won't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Dr. Durkon: I want to! I mean, I won't feel uncomfortable at all. Sitting. In the dark. Alone. With you.

Dr. Hilgya: So, then, I'm guessing you've interfaced before?

Dr. Durkon: What? I mean, yes, lots of times.

Dr. Hilgya: Really?

Dr. Durkon: No. I just... wanted to. A lot. I have tech manuals.

Dr. Hilgya: Most boys do. But a real live interface? Tech manuals don't even come close. Here, let me show you.

Dr. Durkon: That's my data port!

Dr. Hilgya: Don't worry, I'll buffer my data so you can control the upload, download speed.

Dr. Durkon: Whoa! That's a lot of data! Oh my, yes, give me more!

Dr. Hilgya: Don't rush, take your time. We've got all night.

Dr. Durkon: The algorithms repeat endlessly! I can process data all night!

Dr. Hilgya: Hey! You're analog!

Dr. Durkon: I have a digital emulator.

Dr. Hilgya: It's not the same! You and I use different data architectures! We're not compatible! Your emulator is compiled on Basic!

Dr. Durkon: I can get an upgrade!

Dr. Hilgya: I thought you were different. Naive, inarticulate, and a bit of a bore, easily manipulated into working towards my goals! But you're... You're... obsolete!

Dr. Durkon: I can change! I can be the doormat you want me to be!

Dr. Hilgya: You're not worth my time. See ya 'round, chump.

Dr Durkon: Ow! My port! Don't leave me, Hilgya! I need you! I love you! I can't find my interface port dust cap!

*Mechanical steps grow more distant*

Dr. Durkon: That still counts as interfacing!

Page 33

Dr. Durkon: I suppose I should try to find my friends. I need to brag to someone. Headlights on, now to follow my tracks back to the pit. Perhaps there is a way up.

Dr. Durkon: Here's the hatch. Spin the wheel and...

Belkar: Die! *Vwooomwoom!*

Dr. Durkon: It's me! Careful with those laser-daggers! You could scratch someone!

Roy: Dr. Durkon! I'm glad we found you! I was starting to worry that the robots might have ripped you limb from limb. In all this mess we'd never find you.

Dr. Durkon: I'm glad to be back. Good to see you all made it. Roy, Haley, Professor Vaarsuvius, Belkar. So, who are the two new guys, and where is Elan?

Narrator: since I am not in the least offended by being overlooked yet again, I will describe the shock on the faces of everyone.

Narrator: They're shocked.

Roy: There were three Moon Kids.

Narrator: I can testify in court that I witnessed my hero grab a minor by its collar and shake it.

Roy: Tell me where Elan is before I do something worthy of litigation!

Moonteen1: I don't know! I swear!

Moonteen3: We had orders to help you get to the throne room.

Haley: Then the whole rogue teenager thing you tried to pull was b s?

Moonteen3: I know it's hard for you older folks, but try to keep up.

Roy: Somebody better start talking, and fast!

Narrator: Tuneinnextweek whenwefinallylearnthefateofElan andhowviolentlyRoycanacttowardslittlechildren...

Roy: Not you!


Page 34

Moonteen3: Look, we really don't know what happened to your friend or ours. I thought they were with us. It's like, not my job to keep track of everybody. I mean, I don't even have class levels yet!

Roy: That... is actually a good point.

Belkar: Let me rip out its spleen and make the other one watch!

Roy: Belkar! We do not torture children for information!

Belkar: Information? Yeah, let's go with that.

Haley: Where would we even start looking for them?

Moonteen1: The Chamber Of The Abomination?

Roy: The what?

Moonteen: It is where we were told to lead you. If Arvi is as bloodthirsty as we think, he'll be going there. To feed your friend to the Technomancer.

Dr. Durkon: Seems logical.

Roy: I guess it is a good place to start, but we need a plan. We don't want to walk into a room full of Moonfolk and say, "Take us to your leader."

Dr. Durkon: And yet, somehow, I feel that is exactly what we will do.

Narrator: Meanwhile, in another part of the dungeon...

[brian 333]

Page 35a

Elan: Wha... Whahappen?

Moonteen2: Good, you're waking up. I was worried about the dosage.

Elan: Ye drug me? Wha ye use?

Moonteen2: I don't know what it was. Whatever your purple Professor used to knock out the Entry Hole Guard Platoon.

Elan: Tha 'splains ma 'n'bility t' smell. Wha'm ah havin' tr'ble tawkin'?

Moonteen2: Oh, here, let me remove your gag. There. Better?

Elan: Much better, thanks. Now how about my wrists and ankles?

Moonteen2: Not yet. You just sit there while I recite poetry.
Dark! Dark pierces my heart!
Lo, a Ray of golden moonlight!
Be still, my heart!
It is Elan of the golden hair!
Darkness receeds!

Moonteen2: What did you think?

Elan: The scansion is off, there is no regular meter, no rhyme scheme. There is not even a mnemonic resonance. Strictly amateur construction.

Moonteen2: But it's about the emotional content! It is an expression of my love for you!

Elan: Still, completely derivative and lacking cohesion. It has no quotability. And I can't return your feelings.

Moonteen2: It's because I'm gsta? I can estivate and become gsti for you!

Elan: What? No. What is?.. Wait. Start over. I can't have a relationship with you because I'm in love with another.

Moontern2: Is gsti prettier than me?

Elan: Gsti, or gsta, (I'm not really sure how Moonfolk genders work,) is the most attractive being I've ever seen. When we're together I'm complete. Having felt such passion, I could never again achieve more than a pale reflection of that love.

Moonteen2: But that's how I feel about you! We could recite poetry to each other until you fall in love with me, and you could bear my children! Eventually you'll fall in love with me!

Elan: I'm sorry, but that won't work.

Moonteen2: But why?

Elan: Because children weird me out.


Page 35b

Moonteen2: In that case, I may as well turn you over to Technomancer Xykon!

Elan: If you reconsider, we might have a brief but memorable affair which breaks your heart now, but which gives you something to look back on in your old age.

Moonteen2: What kind of gsti do you think I am?

Elan: I thought you said you're gsta?

Moonteen2: I don't really understand how moon folk genders work. Anyway, when I deliver you to the Technomancer, I will get what I've always dreamed of!

Elan: What's that?

Moonteen2: A full ride scholarship as Space Technology Futurist University!

Elan: Good old STFU.

Moonteen2: You're an alum?

Elan: No. Our debate squad beat them every year for four years.

Moonteen2: Oh. Anyway, get ready for agony that will last for the rest of your life.

Elan: Sure. How far do we have to go to get to the Technomancer?

Moonteen2: Let me open the blinds and you can see for yourself.

{Splash Page containing a black-robed Technomancer wearing a chrome beanie with a spring-antenna, sitting in a control chair surrounded by thousands of moonfolk, about half of whom are wearing metal skull caps with antennae. The PoV is from above and to one side, allowing a view of the control panel for a very large doorway behind the control chair.}


Page 36

Elan: So, your whole family is here? That makes reunions easier.

Moonteen2: My what?

Family. You know, parents, siblings, cousins.

Moonteen2: Oh, no. We don't have those. We find the Nuclear Family to be far too explosive.

Elan: Then who takes care of your children?

Moonteen2: It takes a colony to raise a child.

Elan: But you made it sound like you wanted children a moment ago.

Moonteen2: S'yeah! That's how we keep score!

Elan: What? Keep score?

Moonteen2: Yeah. We have a pool and whoever has the most kids is the winner. How does your species artificially increase the birth rate?

Elan: We don't. We let nature take its course.

Moonteen2: Then how do you maintain your population in the face of catastrophic venting of your air supply? How do you breed fast enough to offset the attrition of hirelings and minions employed by Evil Overlords and whatnot?

Elan: We don't?

Moonteen2: That lifestyle hardly seems sustainable. No wonder Creche Supervisor 7 says that humans should be exterminated! Oh well, time to get busy. I'll go betray you to Technomancer Xykon now and he will heap the rewards on me. You just sit tight!

Elan: (Inaudible whisper)

Moonteen2: What? I can't hear you.

Elan: (Incoherent mumble)

Moonteen2: I still can't hear You. Let me get closer.

Elan: I said, "You don't know me very well!" Take that!

Moonteen2: We don't keep our genitals between our legs, but... ow.

Elan: I wish we had a narrator who could cleverly describe how the moonfolk kid turned blue and collapsed as I slipped from his... Her... It's... Whatever. The restraints. I slipped from. Yeah.
Now to look through this big Window and see what the Technomancer is doing.

[brian 333]

Page 37

Narrator: Meanwhile, the rest of the group travels through darkened passageways, headed towards the Chamber of the Abomination to rescue the Sidekick Elan from the Evil Technomancer Xykon.

Disembodied Voice: *whispering* Bonny-kins!

Haley: What was that?

Moonteen3: Malfunctioning computer program. Ignore it: it's a waste of time. There isn't even a good reward at the end of the mission.

Professor Vaarsivius: Why do you call it The Chamber of the Abomination?

Moonteen1: Because it has an Abomination in it.

Dr. Durkon: A horrid mechanical monster capable of rending its foes limb from limb?

Moonteen1: Ewe! No! It has something even more abominable in it!

Moonteen3: A door that can't be opened.

Dr. Durkon: That's what you find abominable?

Moonteen3: Holes cease to be holes when covered by a door! And this door doesn't even open!

Moonteen1: Holes should be free to be holes!


Page 38

Roy: What can we expect to see in this Chamber of the Abomination?

Moonteen1: A giant armored cargo hatch protected by an electronic defense screen powerful enough to vaporise anyone who tries to get past it.

Roy: I'm not interested in The Gate. I want to know more about the people guarding it.

Moonteen3: They're jerks. Make you do chores and study, go to bed when all your friends are going to the nightly rave.

Roy: How are they deployed? What kind of weapons do they carry? What tactics will they use?

Moonteen1: Oh, that stuff. Umm, they fill the room, they carry hole-punch guns, and they will swarm you in uncountable numbers heedless of their own survival.

Dr. Durkon: I thought the Technomancer wanted you to bring us to him alive?

Moonteen3: Dead, alive, it doesn't matter. He'll hook your head up to his gefilte fish jar gizmo and make you talk.

Roy: Okay, team. We need a plan.

Professor Vaarsivius: I have ample supplies of Somnolence Grenades and three Personal Energy Screen belts.

Haley: Dibs!