A Monster for Every Season: Summer 2
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  1. - Top - End - #1
    Orc in the Playground

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    Default Warhammer 40K jokes

    Other than a bit of black humour in its early days, Warhammer 40,000 is an amazingly serious and dark science fantasy setting. So, just to challenge ourselves, let's see if we can joke about it!

    I got one:

    An Imperial garrison containing both Space Marines and a Guard regiment had been under siege by Orks for days, and as a fighter bomma raid had destroyed the Imperial Guard mess hall, the remaining Guardsmen was allowed to dine in the Space Marine mess hall. In the food queue, a curious Guardsman (GM) attempts to start up a conversation with a Space Marine (SM).
    GM: "So...you are one of those Space Marines, right?"
    SM: "Correct."
    GM: "Cool! You know, I've been thinking about joining a marine chapter myself and...”
    SM: "You don't have what it takes."
    GM: "Hey, that's just rude! You have no idea what I am capable of, I've actually killed no less that 13 xenos in my career, an...”
    SM: "I've killed 14..."
    GM: "That is not that impressive, I..."
    SM: "...before breakfast."
    GM: "...well... that's impressive. How did you join the marines?"
    SM: "At the age of 12, I was drafted into the Imperial Guard to fight an army of chaos cultists. My squad was cut off from the rest of the regiment, and as we were out of ammo we were ordered to charge the enemy with only bayonets. I managed to kill 2 cultists, in spite of being shot several times while charging. Three days later, I was sent to the Ultramarine training facility on Ultramar along with 20 other recruits. I was the only one who managed to become a marine."
    GM: "Wow, you are badass! What happened to the other 19? Did they wash out? Or did they get looser jobs like janitors or something?"
    SM: "They died."
    GM: "Ok...you have to be the most badass person I ever met! What are you? A sergeant? An officer?"
    SM: "I'm the janitor."
    And now a few excerpts from the Imperial Daily, no. 1 newspaper in the Imperium of Man

    Fact of the Day: Emperor's Children are believed to be selling strange substances to children.

    Thought for the day: Fear the Emperor or at least fear his Inquisition.

    Lonely hearts column: Tall, thin metallic gentlemen with deep deep green eyes (in curvy hollow sockets) seeks well-oiled stainless steel female, must be soulless.

    Classifieds: Necron #011000100110111101100010 selling stasis chamber/bed, only been used for a few millennia but works like new. Best sleep you'll ever have.

    Scientific News:

    Another thought for the day: Pulling the main wires out of terminator armor can be very entertaining.

    Sports News: Chimera racing was banned today on Cadia on grounds of "misusing of Imperial assets" and the underground black market it supports.

    News: A cowardly Guard medic was shot today by his Commissar after he was caught killing more Guardsmen then he was saving. He was caught by the Commissar administering pain killer injections from the back of the battlefield with a sniper rifle using unmodified bullets. He thought, or so he told the Commissar, that by dipping the shells in the pain killer, he could administer it from afar.

    Fact of the Day: Baseball caps outlawed by the Inquisition on a number of Imperial worlds as "Heretical". Baseball caps were also used by a number of Imperial Guardsmen instead of standard issue helmets. Some fear they may even prove to give more protection then standard issue Guard helmets.

    News from around the Galaxy: Planet Carnage V was destroyed by Exterminatus today after the Inquisition discovered a man screwing in a lightbulb

    Lonely Hearts: Several Techpriest Enginseers on Mars are seeking female servitors. Must come complete with Windows 40,000 and have female sockets.
    Last edited by Executor; 2008-02-01 at 09:18 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by EvilElitest
    Executor - for a Vs. thread, you have laid out the case for this confrontation very intelligently - bravo!
    he is like the demigod of vs. threads
    They can take our lives... but they'll never take our AWESOME!!!

    Awarded EvilElitest the Trophy for winning the internet.

    Alumnus of the Sauron vs Voldemort thread

  2. - Top - End - #2
    Ettin in the Playground
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    Default Re: Warhammer 40K jokes

    An Imperial Guardsman, a Space Marine, and an Inquisitor walk into a bar.

    The Guardsman says "ow."

    The Marine breaks right through the bar with his reinforced skull.

    The Inquisitor accuses the bar of heresy. When the bar refuses to confess or even move despite sustained torture, the Inquisitor executes the Guardsman for failing to defeat the bar in combat.
    Quote Originally Posted by Thespianus View Post
    I fail to see how "No, that guy is too fat to be hurt by your fire" would make sense.

  3. - Top - End - #3
    Ettin in the Playground
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    Default Re: Warhammer 40K jokes

    You might be a Space Marine if...

    ...you spit a loogie and killed a man.

    ...'unstoppable alien armies' is another way of saying 'challenge' to you.

    ...you woke up one morning and discovered another heart and lung inside you.

    ...discover that not only can you smell the creature bleeding twenty feet away, but can also tell it's never bathed a day in it's life.

    ...your standard solution to a problem consists of 'kill it with fire'.
    Warriors & Wuxia: A community world-building project focused on low-magic wuxia/kung-fu action using ToB.

    "These 'no-nonsense' solutions of yours just don't hold water in a complex world of jet-powered apes and time travel."

  4. - Top - End - #4
    Solo's Avatar

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    Default Re: Warhammer 40K jokes

    This story has some good ones.

    "How many Emperors of Mankind does it take to change a lightbulb?"

    "Only one, and it will be bright enough to navigate the Warp by.
    Last edited by Solo; 2008-02-01 at 09:45 PM.

  5. - Top - End - #5
    Ogre in the Playground
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    Dat Shoggoth

    Default Re: Warhammer 40K jokes

    Wikichan has an excellent compilation of Kharn 'fanfiction' that contains a few laughs.

  6. - Top - End - #6
    Orc in the Playground

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    Default Re: Warhammer 40K jokes

    From the historical records of the Imperial Inquistion

    To: Lord-Inquisitor Von Grimm, Ordo Hereticus
    From: Inquisitor Bigotin, Ordo Hereticus
    Subject: Inquisitorial Purge BD-4992 "The Hogwarts Heresy"
    Transmitted: Inquisitorial Fortress, Bethor VIII
    Transmitter: Astropath Ginla
    Receiver: Astropath Wulesh

    Salutations Lord!
    I am pleased to report that the heretical witch-coven, the blasphemous sect known as "Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Witchcraft" has been eliminated, and every member of this vile cult has been cleansed with fire and sword.
    Accompanied by five squads of veteran Inquisitorial Stormtroopers, two hundred local militia, a dozen arco-flagellants, two Penitent Engines, and three squads drawn from the Order of the Holy Nimbus, we began our assault upon the fortress of the enemy at dawn's first light. Although the castle was hidden from normal sight by a myriad of hexes and foul enchantments, these wards were easily bypassed thanks to the psyk-out strike launched by the Persecution, and we were able to begin the assault.
    We stormed the grounds, suffering only minor casualties from various self-defense spell-traps that the enemy had placed within the grounds. These traps were disposed of quickly by my cadre of sanctioned psykers, and we able to press on.
    We were soon accosted by a heavily-haired mutant of exceptional height and bulk (see pict attachments 00-03) upon approaching the castle's main portcullis. He was accompanied by a variety of abominable creatures (pict attachments 04-16), gruesome beasts which looked like twisted parodies of ancient creatures of legend- such beasts included a disturbing horse/eagle hybrid and assorted scorpion/crab-like creatures, each one the size of a small land car, amongst others. The large mutant challenged us in an accent I did not recognize, but no doubt it was speaking in some daemonic tongue. I ordered the attack. The creatures of the mutant beast master took a heavy toll on the local militia and my Stormtroopers, but our numbers and weaponry were superior, and the Sisters of the Holy Nimbus swiftly brought down the creatures with bolter, melta and flamer fire. The giant mutant beast master possessed incredible strength and endurance, and managed to inflict crippling damage on one of the Penitent Engines and kill and seriously wound twenty-three militia, Sisters and Stormtroopers before it was brought down by the holy rage of the arco-flagellants (three of which perished due to lethal combat stimm overdose- in death, they have been granted His Forgiveness).
    We consolidated our position and set up a strong foothold whilst our chirurgeons and Sisters Hospitaller provided healing for the wounded and mercy for the dying.
    To the south, I glimpsed an oval structure that appeared to resemble a standard Imperial amphitheatre or coliseum (pict attachments 17-20). Six tall poles, topped with huge hoops, were situated on this "pitch", three at each end. I theorized that the cult held some form of diabolical rituals or ceremonies there, and that the hoops were utilized in these.
    No sooner had our wounded been comforted and aided by our medical staff, the witches of the Hogwarts School appeared. I was at first shocked at the average age of our foe; the youngest seemed to be ten years of standard, the oldest no more than seventeen. They were led by five older psykers (see accompanying pict-files 21-25), and they outnumbered us nearly two to one. At first, I foolishly thought that fighting children would be no challenge, but I chastised myself, remembering that each of these younglings was an illegal psyker, taught by their council of the older rogue psykers.
    The eldest of the rogue psykers (pict 21), whom I presumed to be the leader, stepped forward, and I saw the malevolence and hatred in his eyes that spoke of a man driven insane by the daemonic power that he wielded. He personally addressed me, giving his name as Albus Dumbledore, but I did not wish to bandy words with a heretic and a witch, so before he could speak any further and bewitch me, I disposed of him with my stake crossbow and gave the order for my force to attack.
    Pandemonium erupted immediately. The younger psykers were herded back into the castle by two of the "teachers"; a wrinkled midget (pict/subject 24) and a portly woman bedecked with scraps of local flora (pict/subject 25). The older children retaliated, led by the other two psykers, a crone-faced woman (pict/subject 22) and a cadaverous man with long black greasy hair (pict/subject 23).
    The psykers launched a variety of psychic attacks that killed and/or otherwise incapacitated my warriors. I saw some terrible things. Two Stormtroopers stumbled and fell to the ground, as if their limbs had ceased to function. Sister-Palatine Lucresia was transmuted in a second from a proud warrior of the Adepta Sororitas to a pewter goblet. Local militia either burst into laughter so violent that their blood vessels burst, or were inflated like carnival balloons. Arco-flagellants slipped and collapsed as the ground beneath them was turned to ice. I remained unscathed, thanks to the protection offered by my hexagrammic wards and my accompanying sanctioned and penitent psykers.
    I rallied my troops and pressed the attack. Many of the child psykers were slain by the accurate firepower of my Stormtroopers and the Sisters, and they fled in craven dissarray, only to be picked off at the leisure of my warriors and I. Subject 23 was bisected by Sister Superior Paminda's eviscerator, whilst Subject 22 met the Emperor's Judgment at the claws of the Penitent Engine.
    We advanced into the castle, gunning down resistance where we found it. Subjects 24 and 25 were killed as they defended the younger heretics, many of who surrendered after the deaths of their "teachers". I tasked Stormtrooper Lieutenant Virone with prisoner detail, and he and his squad set about dealing with the captured children, taking them to the evac zone and transferring them to the null-cells aboard the Persecution, where they would await interrogation and execution.
    We finally came across the last point of resistance in the great hall of the castle; a room so seeped in obscene witchery that I permitted only the Sisters and my personal staff to accompany me inside- I could not risk the corruption of the Stormtroopers.
    At the end of the hall stood four figures (picts 26-29), all of them young psykers. Three of the psykers were male, and one was female. They began a last-ditch defense, but their efforts were in vain. The blonde, arrogant-looking male (pict/subject 27) was reduced to ashes by my gun-servitor's plasma cannon, and the freckled, red-haired male (pict/subject 2 took a trio of bolter shots to the chest. The female, a young girl with long, curly brown hair (pict/subject 26) surrendered to us, and I immediately placed an inhibitor upon her (I have since transferred Subject 26 to my own staff, where she now serves as a penitent psyker).
    The final male, a boy with thick black hair, spectacles, and a curious scar on his forehead (pict/subject 29) was monstrously powerful for one so young, and claimed the lives of four Sisters, my two gun-servitors, and Interrogator Delaun before he was stopped. As Interrogator Tesze held him in the jaws of her mancatcher, I prepared my power stake for the killing strike. Subject 29 looked at me frantically and cried out; "You idiot muggle! If you kill me, Voldemort will return!"
    I presumed that "muggle" was some sort of profane cult slang. I had no idea who "Voldemort" was/is, but I assume that the witch's babble was a desperate and useless plea to prevent me from dispensing justice. I paid his rambling no heed, and impaled his heart with my sacred power stake.
    Our mission a success, we ransacked the castle for any heretical items that would need to be immediately destroyed to prevent them from corrupting the servants of the Emperor any longer. We found all manner of wands, ingredients, spell books and scrolls, and curious orb-shaped relics (picts 30-32; note the curious wings that adorn the tiny golden ball in pict 32). All was put to the cleansing flame.
    Upon our return to the Persecution, I gave the order for Captain Yevonce to begin the orbital bombardment of the castle, completely obliterating the vile structure. As we made warp transition to Bethor VIII, my staff and I began the interrogation of the young witches.
    My apologies for the lack of transcripts at this current moment, but I regret to announce that both my scribe-skull and auto-savant are both out of ink and parchment, and Interrogator Tesze has been forced to transcribe the interrogations from the various vox-thief recordings. The transcripts will be with you shortly, my Lord.
    The stain of the Hogwarts coven has been wiped from the Emperor's glorious realm.

    Your Servant,
    Inquisitor Predujis Bigotin
    A Chaos leader is besieging an enemy planet:

    "My Lord, I bring news."
    Typhus Marburg paused in his study of the situation map of the dreary little planet his forces were engaged in ravaging. "Yes?"
    "Lord. Starships have appeared in the outer system and are on course for a landing. They have been identified as elements of the Flesh Tearers."
    "Yeah? Tell them to sod off and find their own world. Tell 'em we got here first."
    "Sire, you misunderstand. They are here to defend this world!"
    "What! Why? It's a sorry state of affairs when the followers of Chaos start to defend the weakling Imperium from each other!"
    "Um, Lord... the Flesh Tearers are a loyalist chapter."
    "They are? With a name like that! Are you sure they're not one of ours?"
    "Positive, My Lord."
    "Have you been able to call for any assistance?"
    "The Astropaths have contacted other forces nearby. Unfortunately this has also alerted other loyalist forces in the sector and they are also headed our way."
    "Bugger. So who gets here first then?"
    "The Alpha Legion, sire."
    "It never rains, it only pours, hey?"
    "The Alpha Legion is one of ours."
    "It is?!"
    "I'm confused. You're telling me that a mob called the 'Flesh Tearers' isn't one of ours but a mob called the - what was it again..."
    "The Alpha Legion, sire."
    "Right... a mob called the Alpha Legion is one of ours."
    "That is correct, sire."
    "So who else is showing up to this barney then?"
    "The Blood Drinkers."
    "One of ours?"
    "One of theirs."
    "The Iron Warriors."
    "One of theirs?"
    "No. One of ours."
    "Go figure."
    "The Dark Angels."
    "Now I've heard of them. Followers of Slaanesh aren't they?"
    "No, I think you're thinking of The Fallen, sire. The Dark Angels are Loyalists too."
    "Bugger. So who else then?"
    "The Emperor's Children."
    "Oh, that one's too easy. They're obviously loyalists with a name like that."
    "Um, not exactly my Lord."
    "Yes, Lord. They're one of ours too."

    "This is silly. All the really evil sounding names are being used by weakling loyalists while it seems as though the forces of chaos have got the naff monikers. Are there any more of these I should know about?"
    "A few, Lord."
    "OK then, spell it out for me, starting with Loyalists that sound like traitors and then moving onto traitors that sound like Loyalists."
    "I will attempt to do so, Lord. OK - the Loyalists that sound like traitors... the Marauders, Rampagers, Destroyers and Storm Lords (all White Scar second foundings in point of fact)."
    "I like the sound of the Storm Lords. You sure they aren't one of ours?"
    "Quite sure. Then there's the Blood Drinkers and the Flesh Tearers - both of which are Loyalist second founding of the Blood Angels."
    "With names like that I'd always assumed they were more bone headed followers of the blood god."
    "Not so far, My Lord. Then there's the Red Talons..."
    "I thought they were renegade pirates."
    "No Lord, that's the Red Corsairs."
    "Oh. OK. Continue."
    "The Brazen Claws are loyalists too."
    "Good name for a Khornate force though isn't it?"
    "Yes Lord. Then there's the Black Guard (not to be confused with the Black Legion which IS one of ours), the Revilers, and the Raptors."
    "Hold on a minute! The Raptors? They're definitely ours. Hell we've got a small unit of them attached to our forces haven't we?"
    "My Lord, those are the troops known as Raptors but there is also a loyalist legion with the same name."
    "Must get a bit confusing for the loyalists then?"
    "I imagine so, My Lord. There are also the Doom Eagles, the Silver Skulls, and the Iron Hands (not to be mistaken for the Iron Warriors, who are ours)."
    "Bloody hell. Is that it?"
    "There are also some lesser known chapters that also seem to cause occasional confusion."
    "Such as..."
    "The Doomfarers are one that our forces have occasionally encountered."
    "Oh yeah. Those yoyos. So what about the Chaos forces that sound like loyalists then..."

    "Well as mentioned earlier there are The Emperor's Children, The Iron
    Warriors, the Thousand Sons, the Lunar Wolves (who changed their name to the Sons of Horus and then to the Black Legion)..."
    "Well at least they're easily IDed as one of ours now. The Black Legion eh? Now that's a proper name. Just positively oozes evil from every pore."
    "Yes, Lord. To continue, there are also the Word Bearers, and the Alpha Legion."
    "The Word Bearers? What kind of silly name is that for a Chaos Legion?"
    "They used to be missionaries sire"
    "We you'd think that once they switched to our side they'd change their name to something a little more in keeping with being evil mad men. I mean come on 'The Word Bearers'? It's a silly name."
    "Yes my Lord"
    "You know, I think the forces of Chaos should have proper Chaos names. There's no room for mistakes when you're called something like 'The World Eaters' or 'The Death Guard'..."
    "Actually Lord, both those chapters had those names when they were loyalists."
    "You're kidding."
    "No, My Lord."

    "Yeesh. I would have thought names like that would be a bit scary for the average imperial citizen. I mean "Yay we're being rescued by the World Eaters" just doesn't sound credible while "Aargh! Flee! It's the World Eaters" seems much more likely."
    "Yes, My Lord. I believe the latter is more likely these days anyway."
    "Makes no bloody sense at all."
    "Yes, My Lord."
    "Kill 'em all and let the Chaos Gods sort 'em out I say."
    "Sounds like a completely reasonable approach to me, My Lord."
    Last edited by Executor; 2008-02-01 at 10:20 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by EvilElitest
    Executor - for a Vs. thread, you have laid out the case for this confrontation very intelligently - bravo!
    he is like the demigod of vs. threads
    They can take our lives... but they'll never take our AWESOME!!!

    Awarded EvilElitest the Trophy for winning the internet.

    Alumnus of the Sauron vs Voldemort thread

  7. - Top - End - #7
    Troll in the Playground

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    Default Re: Warhammer 40K jokes

    Thanks solo that waas very funny..... Porn for the porn god!!
    Quote Originally Posted by Peelee View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Greenflame133 View Post
    So what do you think? What is best use for Signatures?
    To curate my brilliance and wit, of course. Any other use is a waste.

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    Bugbear in the Playground
    Zenos's Avatar

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    Default Re: Warhammer 40K jokes

    A commissar working in the Vostroyan Firstborn and a commissar working in the Savlar Chem Dogs meet. They are discussing minefields.

    VF Commissar: My battlegroup has recently been issued with two mine flails for our tanks. It was rather difficult to get the Adeptus to issue them to us, but we made it.
    SCD Commissar: Why bother the Adeptus when you can herd the worst shots in front of your better shots?

    And the there is an alternative abreviation for a Space Marine instead of SM.


    And then there's the Horus Heresy, on Horus' battlebarge.

    The Emperor: "Horus, I am your father"
    Horus: *yawn*
    Last edited by Zenos; 2008-02-02 at 05:45 AM.
    Avatar by Arokh.

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    Bugbear in the Playground
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    Default Re: Warhammer 40K jokes

    Executor *applauds*

    Wow, you know I never actually realized that lol.

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    Ogre in the Playground

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    Default Re: Warhammer 40K jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Zenos View Post
    The Emperor: "Horus, I am your father"
    Horus: *yawn*
    that has to be the real reason for the heresy
    check out my metal band: http://www.facebook.com/Dreamslain

    Wash: "Sweetie, we're crooks. If everything were right, we'd be in jail."

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    Bugbear in the Playground
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    Default Re: Warhammer 40K jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Zenos View Post

    And the there is an alternative abreviation for a Space Marine instead of SM.

    Actually, the preffered nickname is SMurf (in particular, the ultramarines, and particularly the 1st company veterans). On the Forums I fequent at any rate.

    And the real reason for Heresy was that Horus was going though a Teenage Rebellion a few hundred years too late.
    Then it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an` Tommy, 'ow's yer soul? "
    But it's " Thin red line of 'eroes " when the drums begin to roll
    The drums begin to roll, my boys, the drums begin to roll,
    O it's " Thin red line of 'eroes, " when the drums begin to roll.

    "Tommy", Rudyard Kipling

  12. - Top - End - #12
    Bugbear in the Playground
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    Default Re: Warhammer 40K jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Storm Bringer View Post
    Actually, the preffered nickname is SMurf (in particular, the ultramarines, and particularly the 1st company veterans). On the Forums I fequent at any rate.

    And the real reason for Heresy was that Horus was going though a Teenage Rebellion a few hundred years too late.
    Yeah, I knwo that abreviation, the SpaM was because no-one had mentioned it before (to the extents of my knowledge).
    Avatar by Arokh.

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    Orc in the Playground
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    Default Re: Warhammer 40K jokes

    There are about 40,000 40k lightbulb jokes, but my favourites are:
    How many Inquisitors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    Three: One to screw in the lightbulbs, one to outlaw lightbulbs and one to deny the existence of lightbulbs.

    How many followers of Slaanesh does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    Two, of course, but don't ask me how they got in there

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    The 653 "Other" Commandments of the Adeptus Astartes (part 1)
    1.)Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as "Bolter Bitches," nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of the "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle.
    2. Orks are not "cute."
    3. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.
    4. Thou shalt not replace the Librarian's staff with a magic wand.
    5. Thou shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.
    6. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.
    7. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.
    8. You shall not dare others to eat Squigs.
    9. No, you cannot "take the Titan for a spin."
    10. Thou shalt not use thy Multi-Meltas to light campfires. (In a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's Chainfist to open tins of baked beans)
    11. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.
    12. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin."
    13. The Chapter Master is not a “drag”.
    14. Thou shall not use Power Swords to cut your food.
    15. Thou shall not ask a Sister if you might "donate some of your own Gene-Seed."
    16. Thou shall not throw soap at Nurglings.
    17. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.
    18. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".
    19. Thou shalt not stick a 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' sticker on the Sisters' Rhino.
    20. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' on a Sister's Rhino.
    21. Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
    22. Thou shalt not make the Emperor read your palms, or call upon him as "Miss Cleo".
    23. Virus bombs are not fun in a box.
    24. Shooting one of your own men who looks at you funny does not count as an "enemy casualty".
    25. Thou shalt not clog the Lascannon tubes "just to see what happens".
    26. Thou shalt not spread cooking oil in front of a Dreadnought.
    27. Thou shalt not attempt to shake the Chaplain’s hand whilst wearing a Power Fist.
    28. Putting sand inside the Terminators’ Armour is not "funny".
    29. Thou shalt not refer to the Standard of Fortitude as a "walking stick"
    30. Thou shalt not refer to the Bolt Pistol as a novelty cigarette lighter.
    31. The Earthshaker Cannon is not a "hat stand" nor is the Sentinel a "standard lamp".
    32. Thou shalt not use Land Raiders to "play chicken" with Imperial Guard Chimeras.
    33. Thou shalt not put a "Purge me!" sign on the back of the Chaplain’s armour.
    34. Thou shalt not compliment the Dark Eldar by calling them "kinky"
    35. Thou shalt not let an Ork be the designated driver
    36. Thou shalt not replace the holy unguents for the Machine Spirit with grain alcohol
    37. Thou shalt not invite a Banshee to Karaoke
    38. Thou shalt not replace the O2 units on the Commander’s Power Armour with laughing gas
    39. Thou shalt not train a Hormogaunt to be a watchdog
    40. Thou shalt not take "Old One Eye" out of context..."He's in my Artificer Armour he..he..duh!"
    41. Thou shalt not call Dark Angels "hippie alter boys"
    42. Thou shalt not taunt an Eldar "gee didn't these used to shoot further?"
    43. Thou shalt not refer to the Golden Throne as "the nicest commode in the galaxy"
    44. Thou shalt not attempt to offer a Carnifex a breath mint.
    45. Thou shalt not throw a Warp Beast a dog biscuit.
    46. Thou shalt not hope for mud wrestling during a Wych/ Sisters battle.
    47. Thou shalt not ask a Warlock what he wears under his robe.
    48. Thou shalt not tease an Inquisitor with "look Sir-Heretics!"
    49. Thou shalt not play whack-a-mole with those little Jawa-wannabe Dark Angel thingies (tangent).
    50.Thou shalt not wear oven mitts when issued a Plasma Gun.
    51. Thou shalt not take the Rhino to procure monkish ale before filling out His Most Holy acquisitions forms.
    52. Thou shalt not ask the Librarian if he has records concerning Uranus.
    53. Thou shalt not refer to the flamer as a "novelty toaster"
    54. Thou shalt not ask the Apothecary to guess what you have eaten by looking at your tongue.
    55. Thou shalt not remove the motors from a Terminators' Armour during battle.
    56. Thou shalt not point and laugh saying 'look somebody missed the toilet when battling Snotlings.
    57. Thou shalt not break wind in the presence of the Emperor (unless properly addressed to do so)
    58. Eldar helmets may not be use as hole-punches.
    59. Thou shalt not refer to the daily rituals as "psychological warfare" nor shalt thou refer to the Index Astartes as "the book of grudges"
    60. Thou shalt not say, "will someone please tell the Emperor to crap or get off the Throne"
    61. Thou shalt not petition His Most Holy administration to make "Inquisition" an Olympic sport.
    62. Thou shalt not instigate a "my Primarch could beat up your Primarch" debate.
    63. Thou shalt not use heavy breathing and "I am your father" as a battle cry when wielding a Power Sword and entering an assault
    64. Thou shalt not affect a Transylvanian accent around the Blood Angels.
    65. No hair pulling when enjoying brotherly contests with the Space Wolves.
    66. Duct-taping a Flamer to your Boltgun does not count as a Combi-weapon, and painting it pretty won't make it "Master Crafted"
    67. Thou shalt not punt Grots for pleasure.
    68. Thou shalt not shout "Thongs for the Thong God!" in front of the Dark Eldar lest thou wish to learn the true meaning of pain.
    69. Thou shalt not debate the protective merits of purple spandex with the Dark Eldar.
    70. Thou shalt not write theatre criticism and charge His Most Holy treasury to mail it to the Harlequin.
    71. Power armour never makes a Sister look fat.
    72. Thou shalt not laugh maniacally when flaming the non-believers.
    73. Thou shalt not use Thunder Hammers to play croquet.
    74. Thou shalt not start rounds of "you might be a C’tan if" while imbibing strong monkish ale.
    75. Though shalt not refer to thine brethren, whom the Emperor has dictated be armed with an incendiary weapon, as a "Flamer" constantly. For this has been proven to lower morale and cause strife within His Most Holy showering facilities.
    76. Thou shalt not affect an Austrian accent around the Necrons.
    77. Thou shalt not ask Rough Riders if you can pet their ponies.
    78. Thou shalt not stray from the Adeptus Mechanicus' directive towards ornamentation of Rhinos; specifically no aluminium sport rims, neon, extraneous exhaust pipes, or fuzzy dice.
    79. Thou shall not attempt to challenge the Eldar to games of 'Counter-strike'.
    80. Thou shall not, in any way, shape, or form, take the Land Speeder joyriding.
    81. Remember; shining Lasguns in the Guards’ eyes is WRONG.
    82. Thou shall not pretend to have been possessed by a Daemon.
    83. Thou shall not call the sacred Plasma gunners of the Imperial Guard 'fizz busters'.
    84. Yes, it will be noticed if you 'borrow' the Chapter Master's equipment.
    85. Thou shall not use supported War Hounds to 'play ball' with Imperial Guard Sentinels.
    86. It is NOT cool to feed Snotlings copious amounts of narcotics!
    87. It is not "funny" to dress up as a Bloodletter and jump out in front of the Chapter Master.
    88. Replacing a Brother's ammunition with blanks is not "funny"
    89. Wiffle bats are not approved hand weapons.
    90. Playing naughty movies in your Power Armour’s Autosensors is not sanctioned by the Adeptus Astartes.
    91. Thou shalt not teleport into the Sisters showering facilities.
    92. Thou shalt not taunt our revered Dreadnought brethren by tapping on their window and saying "anyone in there?"
    93. Thou shalt not commandeer Drop Pods to go for pizza.
    94. Thou shalt not refer to the Emperor’s Champion as "that brown-noser"
    95. Nuking from orbit is not doctrinally feasible for removal of annoying insects-unless they be Tyranids.
    96. Thou shalt not tickle the Fallen to press for confession and redemption.
    97. Thou shalt not follow a Librarian around thinking, "Can you hear me now", repetitively in an attempt to drive him insane.
    98. Thou shalt not refer to the Wulfen as "damn dirty apes".
    99. Thou shalt not use Whirlwinds to put on fireworks displays.
    100. Thou shalt not ask the Dark Angels if they "can keep a secret"
    101. Thou shalt not do Scooby Doo impersonations when speaking to the Space Wolves.
    102. Thou shalt not tell the Salamanders "sorry about the Multi-Melta thing"
    103. Thou shall not ask directions from the Wulfen.
    104. Thou shall not ask Berserkers for an axe.
    105. Thou shalt not do doughnuts in a Rhino, unless thou wishes to clean the passenger's vomit from the floor, as doughnuts make passengers dizzy
    106. Thou shalt not write "Biggest Bitch on the Battlefield" on the side of thy Land Raider, even if it is true.
    107. Thou shalt not take the Rhino out on Saturdays to 'impress the girls'.
    108. Tyranids are not cute.
    109. Though shalt not use Lasguns as laser sights for thy Bolters
    110. Just because you’re fighting Necrons it doesn’t mean your standard equipment is a Skaven and a tin opener.
    111. Thou shalt not throw snowballs at Salamander Space Marines whilst yelling, "THINK FAST!"
    112. Thou shalt not ask Ork prisoners "why the red ones go faster"
    113. Thou shalt not attempt to drown out Noise Marines with ye old rave music
    114. Never ask a Dreadnought "how old are you?"
    115. Thou shalt not use the Golden Throne as a microwave
    116. Thou shalt not wear a dress in the presence of the Dark Angels
    117. Thou shalt not wear fake fangs in the presence of the Space Wolves
    118. Thou shalt not ask a Space Wolf if he wants a biscuit
    119. Thou shalt not eat another Marine’s paste
    120. Thou shalt not trip a Dark Angel in front of an Interrogator-Chaplain
    121. Thou shalt not trip an Interrogator-Chaplain
    122. Thou shalt not fill Demolisher shells with lots of flowers.
    123. Scouts are not 'target practice'.
    124. Thou shalt not replace the Chapter Master's Power Sword with a plastic sword.
    125. It is not funny to put an 'Eat me' sign on the Librarian's back prior to a Tyranid attack.
    126. Thou shalt NOT refer to the Dreadnought as 'Granddad', nor shalt thou hang a, 'I told you I was sick' sign from it.
    127. Thou shalt not play 'peek-a-boo' with the Machine Spirit.
    128. Thou shalt not unscrew your Battle Brethren’s leg plates.
    129. It is not funny to play ring toss with Orks tusks.
    130. When faced by the Inquisition, don’t laugh.
    131. Necrons are not cans
    132. Thou shalt not eat prunes before a battle
    133. Thou shalt not refer to the company Tech-Marine as "Scotty."
    134. Thou shalt not challenge the Terminator Company to a game of "Twister."
    135. Thou shalt not refer to Ripper Swarms as... "Cute."
    136. Thou shalt not refer to Catachan Jungle Fighters as "tree hugging hippies"
    137. Thou shalt not suggest the Eldar "live long and prosper."
    138. Thou shalt not tell a Space Wolf it smells as if something crawled up and died in their mouth.
    139. Thou shalt not replace the Space Wolves store of Tuna with cans of Puppy Chow.
    140. Thou shalt not use Imperial Guardsmen as sticks while playing fetch with a Hive Tyrant.
    141. Thou shall not use Flame Falcons to toast thy marsh mellows
    142. Thou shall not ask an Inquisitor's Psyber-Eagle "does Polly wanna cracker?"
    143. Thou shall not ask the Lametors "are ya feeling lucky punk, well are ya?"
    144. Dating the Veteran Sergeant is the exclusive privilege of the Heavy Weapon trooper
    145. Thou shalt not ask the Eldar females if they are interested in a hand-portable 'Vibro Cannon'...
    146. Thou shalt not strut around Imperial Guardsmen bragging about how 'well-equipped' you are.
    147. Thou shalt not ask the Thousand Sons if they are that slow on purpose.
    148. Thou shalt not taunt the Imperial Guard with threats of utilizing a Lascannon upon their posteriors in an unnatural fashion.
    149. Thou shalt NEVER, under any circumstances, interrupt a Navigator's concentration during warp travel to ask him if you "are there yet."
    150. Thou shalt not challenge Karandras the Shadow hunter to an arm-wrestling match
    151. Thou shalt not refer to Eldar Swooping Hawk grenades as "bird droppings," nor shalt thou taunt them by using a mortar to pet them with birdseed.
    152. Thou shalt not use the Emperor's Champion Iron Halo to play horseshoes in thy free time.
    153. Thou shalt not use the Chapter Standard to dry thy undergarments upon
    154. Thou shalt NEVER take the Steve Irwin approach to Tyranids; if they do not respond to external stimuli, do not attempt to poke it with a stick.
    155. Thou shalt not consider it "funny" to replace the smoke canisters in your Chapter's Land Raider's Smoke Launchers with narcotic substances
    156. He who takes advantage of the Emperor's paralysis by painting his fingernails will be summarily executed
    157. Shoulder Pads are not to be removed for use as ice-cream scoops.
    158. Thou shalt not replace our Honoured Brother Terminator Captain's Storm Bolter with a Vulcan Mega Bolter, nor shalt thou feign surprise at his inability to lift it.
    159. Thou shalt not distract our Librarian whilst he attempts to cast Smite; else thou shalt be forced to clean the inside of his helmet.
    160. Thou shalt not replace a Thunderhawk's firebase supplies with bouncy castles.
    161. Thou shalt not burn our Captain's robe on a cold night.
    162. Thou shalt not replace the Apothecary's Reductor with a syringe.
    163. Undoing the straps between a Brother and his jump-pack is not funny.
    164. Thou shalt not utilize the Tech-Marine's Signum for engaging in long and sexy chitchat with Battle Sisters.
    165. Thou shalt not replace the Grimoire of True Names with "Daemon Hunting for Dummies"
    166. Thou shalt not put thine Emperor gifted gene seed into the beverage of your fellow Battle Brothers.
    167. Thou shalt not duct tape over the emergency venting on the most holy Plasma Pistol of the Chapter Master
    168. Thou shalt not make "Your Mum" jokes in the presence of the Adeptus Soritas
    169. Though shalt not unscrew the bolts on thine Brothers' greaves in order to "pants" him.
    170. Thou shalt not use thine holy Meltagun as an arc welder.
    171. Thou shall not play pin the tail on the Dreadnought
    172. Thou shalt never say, "You can’t handle the Truth!" to a Dark Angel.
    173. Thou shall not use bug spray on Tyranids (it won't work only distracts)
    174. Thou shall not name a Salamander Dreadnought "the Hulk"
    176. Never mix up Khorne marines with Blood Angels
    177. Do not play golf with Mortarion (he uses Nurglings to move the ball)
    178. Never play American football with a Bloodthirster
    179. Thou shalt never throw a stick at Space Wolves and command them to fetch.
    180. Thou shalt not challenge Guardsmen to arm wrestling whilst thou is wearing a Power Fist
    181. Thou shalt not rent advertising space on thin banners
    182. Thou shalt not hurt Cypher
    183. Thou shalt not question Commandment 182
    184. Thou shalt not be turned on by anything related to Slaanesh
    185. Thou shalt not refer to Daemonettes as 'booby daemons'
    186. Thou shalt not glue thy Land Raider assault doors shut
    187. Thou shalt not mock exalted members of thy Chapter for 'not having the enemy’s permission to fight'
    188. If thou is worth 300 points thou must kill 300 pts before being allowed to die.
    189. Thou shalt use unleaded gas only for thy Land Raider
    190. Thou shalt not use Servo Skulls as baseballs
    191. Thou shalt not laugh at thy Brethren whom are from 1st or 2nd edition
    192. Thou shalt not compare Commissars to Nazis
    193. By order of the Inquisition: There is no such thing as the Inquisition, questioning this will have thou deemed heretic by the Inquisition
    194. Thou shalt not complain to thy Force Commanders in coming months when thou cannot attack the enemy immediately following exiting Rhinos
    195. If thou are members of the Black Templar then thou must not whine that the Emperor's Champion has the your only Iron Halo
    196. Thou shalt not install hydraulics on thy Rhino
    197. Thou shall not question the decoration of the Chapter fortress: if skulls with wings are good enough for Him on Terra they are good enough for you.
    198. Thou shall not strap lawn furniture to jump packs in an attempt to recreate first ed. Land Speeders.
    199. Thou shall not complain about no longer having Jet Bikes.
    200. Thou shall not confuse Guardsmen by shouting "OMG! Zerg Rush!".
    201. Thou shall not point out there is no 175 commandment
    202. Thou shall not give members of thy Biker squad Thunder Hammers and Grots so thy may play polo
    203. Thou shalt never use Lasguns as flashlights during a night fight
    204. Thou shalt not take the emperor's teeth in vain
    205. Thou shalt not comment on the odd shape of the Inquisitor's head
    206. Thou shalt not do "wheelies" or "donuts" on you bike.
    207. Thou shalt not have a "kegger" on the eve of battle, thus making yourselves less effective in the morning.
    208. Thou shalt not refer to the Almighty Emperor as "The Righteous Dead Dude."
    209. Thou shalt not check to see if your Bolt Pistol is loaded by looking down the barrel!
    210. Thou shalt not go on panty raids into Sister Of Battle Monasteries.
    211. Thou shalt not use thy scope for anything outside of battle. Anyone caught using them to spy out life mates shalt lose privileges.
    212. Thou shalt not sell thy extra organs on the Black Market.
    213. Though it is entertaining, thou shalt not wave a fly swatter near the Tyranid fleets.
    214. Thou shalt not use thine Chainsword as a backscratcher.
    215. Thou shalt not use thine Bolt Pistol as a q-tip.
    216. Thou shalt not attempt to imitate heathen noise marines with "heavy metal" or "death metal" through thine com-speakers.
    217. Although tempting, do not attempt to give a Tau a "high-five”.
    218. Thou shalt not laugh at how small Imperial Guardsmen are.
    219. Thou shalt not bend to the will of nerds playing war games, and act upon your own free will.
    220. Thou shalt not transmit images of unclothed Sisters to the Astropaths.
    221. Thou shalt not advertise on thine armour.
    222. Thou shalt not wave fake skulls at the Berserkers.
    223. Thou shalt not wave a red flag near a Chaos Dreadnought.
    224. Thou shalt guard thy Bolter when camping with Imperial Guard.
    225. Thou shalt not sniff Warp fumes.
    226. Thou shalt not use bug bomb against the ‘Nids
    227. Thou shalt not play Internet games with Tzeentch.
    228. Thou shalt not e-mail the Emperor.
    229. Thou shalt not e-mail the Emperor spam.
    230. Thou should beware of thy Lictor behind cardboard bushes.
    231. Terminators and glue do not mix.
    232. Thou shalt not spray paint thy armour to make it look cool.
    234. Thou shalt not have water gun fights with Lasguns. (The guard needs them)
    235. Thou shalt not juggle Power Weapons.
    236. Thou shalt not hide video links in the Sisters of Battle's Monastery.
    237. Grenades are not water balloons.
    238. Thou shalt not use insect repellent against Tyranids.
    239. Thou shalt not use water guns against Necron.
    240. Thou shalt not piss on the Iron Halo.
    241. Daemons are not your friends.
    242. Barney the Dinosaur is not your friend.
    243. Barney is a heretic.
    244. Barney merchandise are simply prohibited.
    245. Barney is not a Tyranid
    246. Digimon are not in the 40K universe.
    247. Digimon are not affiliated with the Necron.
    248. Pokemon are not Digimon!
    249. Pokemon are not fun to play with.
    250. Thou shalt not steal candy from babies, Orks, Gretchins or Commissars.
    251. Thou shalt not play “Truth or Dare” with Sisters.
    252. Thou shalt not “Spin the Bottle” with Sisters.
    253. Thou shalt not play “Hangman” with the Inquisitor or Berserker.
    254. Thou shalt ignore strange voices in your head.
    255. Thou shalt not put a cork in the Inquisitors pistol.
    256. Thou shalt not hide the Land Raider in a lake.
    257. The Land Raider is not a hotel room!
    258. Spiking the beer is forbidden.
    259. Shotguns are not practice guns.
    260. Lasguns don’t make cool disco lights for your party.
    261. Pixie wings are not jump packs.
    262. Thou shalt not trade thine bike for a skateboard.
    263. Thou shalt not ignore the Chaplain as he recites the tales of Spot the Dog.
    264. Darth Vader isn’t the son of Abaddon.
    265. Thou shalt not use the sentinel Powerlifter as a babe-magnet for the Sisters.
    266. “It makes a funny noise” is not an excuse for punching Imperial Guardsmen.
    267. “He started it” is not an excuse for punching Imperial Guardsmen.
    268. Thou shalt not get a Sister intoxicated for thy own pleasures.
    269. Thou shalt not sexually harass the Servitors even if they won’t notice.
    270. Thou shalt not have an ice cream Superfantasical Day.
    271. Thou's name is not GiX.
    272. Thou shalt not smoke, inhale or inject illegal pharmaceuticals into thy holy body even though your advanced physiological structure could probably withstand the effects.
    273. Thou shalt not put "Ecstasy" in the punch when Battle Sisters arrive for a formal meeting with the Chapter's Authorities.
    274. Thou shalt not practise vampiric tendencies despite your urge to do so.
    275. Thou shalt not howl when the Chapter Master bends over. (Full moon out tonight!)
    276. You shalt not comment on being a better shot then the Inquisitor.
    277. The Chaplain is not too preachy.
    278. Gambling for Grots is not allowed.
    279. Your sergeant is not a pugy bastard.
    280. You shalt not smack the Sister’s butt and then wink at her.
    281. The lab research Tyranids are not for emergency rations.
    282. Thou shalt not use a Flamer to cook a whole cow and leave none for the others.
    283. Thou shalt not set fly strips outside your tent in a Tyranid warzone.
    284. Thou shalt not wear Lord Commander Dante's Death Mask (or any Death Masks at all for that matter) on Halloween, any other masquerade parties or for fun when not in battle!
    285. Thou shalt not try to see how much a Death Company Marine can take (physical or psychical)!
    286. Thou shalt not put "tags" on the Holy Shrouds or Banners or write on it in anyway at all.
    289. Rico’s Roughnecks are not real.
    290. Thou shalt not over-charge thy bike!
    291. Thou shalt not use the over-charged engines for "drag-racing"!
    292. Thou shalt not have a Blood-party (as in tea-party) with Mephiston during battle!
    293. Thou shalt not play "no blinking" with Mephiston!
    294. Thou shalt not give Tycho an Ork for his Birthday (or any day at all for that matter, or speak him about Orks).
    295. Thou shalt not release Moriar from his restrainment or tap in his vital liquids!
    296. Thou shalt not ask the Sanguinary Priest for something to drink!
    297. Thou shalt obey these 627 commandments! (Isn't it hard counting when being a scout?)
    298. Thou shalt not use thy Jump Packs to "fry your diner"!
    299. Thou shalt not use thy Jump Packs to get “KFC” or “Macca’s”.
    300. Thou shalt not kill each other because "thou are the real Sanguinius".
    301. Thou shalt not make wounds to resemble the wounds of thou mighty Primarch Sanguinous, the Chaplain paint these on your armour!
    302. Thou shalt not "make bunny-ears" with thy fingers behind the Chaplain whilst he gives battle-orders.
    302. Thou shalt not fake death in order to get blood from the Sanguinary Priests.
    303. Thou shalt keep thou armour on, although thou might think thou are invincible, thou DO need thy armour!
    304. Thou shalt not fall asleep whilst the Chaplain is in prayer.
    305. Thou shalt not use thy weapons upon thyself, thou still can get hurt.
    306. Thou shalt not jump out in front of the Rhino to get into the fight whilst still in motion...wait for orders to disembark!
    307. Thou shalt look both ways before crossing the street.
    308. Thou shalt not try to "steal" assaults away from Battle Brothers....they are allowed some fun too!
    309. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Tyranids’ mighty One-Eyed monster ( arr pirate matey).
    310. Thou shalt not mistake the Harlequin's Kiss for some fruity clown prank.
    311. Thou shalt not light cigarettes near the Hellhounds.
    312. Genestealers ARE NOT trying to rob you of your denim trousers.
    313. Thou shalt not chase thy Grot with a fork.
    314. Thou shalt not call the firearms of the Imperial Guard “Sega Lock-Ons”.
    315. Thou shalt not call the Adeptus Arbites “pigs” or “bacons”.
    316. Thou shalt not place buckets of water over the Inquisitors door.
    317. Inquisitors are not “Nigel no friends”
    318. Thou shalt not use thy laser sight to blind Imperial Guard.
    319. Thou shalt not remove the Imperial Guards power packs from their Lasguns while they are asleep.
    320. Thou shalt not play “frisbee” with a Tau Shield Drone.
    321. Remember a Primarch is for life not just for Christmas.
    322. Thou shalt not eat toast in your Power Armour (I’m not going to vacume the crumbs out of the toes again).
    323. Thou shalt not put fridge magnets on thy power Powerarmour (Even if you have been to Cornwall).
    324. Thou shalt not tune into FM rock on your intercom.
    325. Thou shalt not put bananas in the Commander's Rhino's exhaust pipes.
    326. Thou shalt not hang "Pine Fresh" on Moriar (even if he is a bit ripe by now!)
    327. Scented Pine Trees hanging off Rear Vision mirrors in favour of the Dice, is now prohibited.
    328. Thou shalt not offer to clean the Sister's armour whilst they change.
    329. Thou shalt not use Power weapons or Chain-weapons to cut your food.
    330. Thou shalt not remove the batteries from weapons to put in your RC toys.
    331. Thou shalt not swap the salt and pepper.
    332. Thou shalt not play "I see, I see what you don't see" over the intercom during battles!
    333. Thou shalt not "go out to get cigarettes" during prayers!
    334. Thou shalt not make remarks about the physical appearance of Sisters.
    335. Thou shalt not swap your Battle Brothers gun with a water pistol.
    336. Thou shalt not participate in any intoxication (i.e. alcohol) contests with Imperial Guardsmen.
    337. Thou shalt not ask a Sister if her armour is too small.
    338. Thou shalt not ask a Sister about her age.
    339. “No” means “No”.
    340. Thou shalt not make cat-sounds when Sisters argue.
    341. Thou shalt not refer to Sister Supreme as 'Mistress'.
    342. Thou shalt not refer to Ork Dreadnoughts as 'garbage bins'.
    343. Thou shalt not make funny noises during a speech/prayer.
    342. Thou shalt not "play shooting range" with Gretchins.
    343. Thou shalt not brag about how many you've killed with a Dark Eldar.
    344. Thou shalt not write or "put tags" on vehicles or armour.
    345. Thou shalt not use Servitors to catch your paper.
    346. Thou shalt not yell “catfight!” when Sisters argue.
    347. Thou shalt not press the buttons in a Demolisher tank.
    348. Thou shalt not hum cartoon theme songs when around the Tau.
    349. Thou shalt not refuse the Sisters your chocolate rations, especially during the time of their "Red rage".
    350. Thou shalt never refer to the size of a Sisters rear armour.
    351. Thou shalt always offer to rub a Sisters feet after battle. I need not explain why.
    352. Thou shalt always carry thine universal remote control when facing Necrons.
    353. Thou shalt never offer to sell your soul to the Dark Eldar for beer money. Not even in jest.
    354. Thou shalt never ask a Daemonette for some "handiwork", else thou will have to join the Sisters.
    355. Thou shalt not remind your commander how many times he has been slain by the badly colored Tyranid.
    356. Thou shalt leave the Plasma Gun well and truly alone.
    357. Thou shalt not play Russian roulette with automatic weapons. It doesn't work .
    358. Thou shalt not shave the Space Wolves while they are asleep.
    359. Thou shalt not load the dice.
    360. Thou shalt not move that extra little inch in movement phase.
    361. Thou shalt not fire thy Bolter at enemies you can't really see except a leg sticking out of a building.
    362. Thou shalt follow thy rulebook.
    363. Thou shalt not make up rules.
    364. Thou are not fearless... thou art fearless... argh anyone got a codex?
    365. Thou shalt not laugh at the Cultist.
    366. Thou shalt beware of bird poo when Greater Daemon of Tzeentch is around.
    367. Thou shalt not use Penicillin tipped bolts in your Boltgun against Nurglings.
    368. Thou shalt not waste thy 15 minutes free time trying to get laid.
    369. Thou shalt beware of possessed 2 litre coke bottles.
    370. Thou shalt not stare at feet during the battle march.
    371. Thou shalt not aim at thy Commanders back.
    372. Thou shalt watch thy foot steps.
    373. Beware of the drunken Leman Russ.
    374. Thou shalt not binge drinks with the Imperial Guard.
    375. Thou shalt not challenge a Daemon Prince to a fist fight.
    376. Thou art not unexpendable.
    377. Thou shalt look before thou leap.
    378. Thou shalt not bring your sack lunch to battle.
    379. Thou shalt not use they Bike as a battering ram.
    380. Thou shalt beware of potholes and speed bumps.
    381. Lord Logan is not "Wolfie".
    382. Seraphims do not want to join the "Mile High Club".
    383. Spiky bits are not meant for hanging laundry on.
    384. Ultramarine scout is not "little boy blue".
    385. Never refer to the Canoness as "big momma".
    386. Thou shalt not put “kick me” signs on thy Brothers backs.
    387. Thou shalt not nail Nurglings to the back of the Rhino as fuzzy decorations.
    388. Thou shalt not put itching powder in a Dreadnought.
    389. Thou shalt not wink suggestively at Daemonettes.
    390. Thou shalt not use can openers on Ork Dreadnoughts.
    391. Thou shalt not replace the commissars' comm-link with a Plasma Grenade for a laugh.
    392. Thou shalt not refer to Armoured Companies as agoraphobes.
    393. Thou shalt not ask Tech-Marines to put mag wheels on your Bike.
    394. Thou shalt not use a looted Terrorfex for Halloween.
    395. Thou shalt not sneak into the Rock while the Dark angels are asleep and discover that their secret is that all the high ranking Angels wear dresses. Er... oops...
    396. Thou shalt not invite babes back to the Monastery.
    397. Thou shalt not spike drinks with Sanguinius’ blood.
    398. Thou shalt not step on Guardsmen and then say thou didn't see them.
    399. Thou shalt not refer to Paul Sawyer as "The Great Unclean One".
    400. Thou shalt not call a Dark Angel "Jessica Alba".
    401. Thou shalt not give a Sister breast implants.
    402. Neither shalt thou ask whether those “guns” are real or not.
    403. Thou shalt never say anything about the Squats.
    404. Thou shalt not overheat a Plasma Gun for a college prank.
    405. Thou shalt not give the Death Company caffeine.
    406. Thou shalt not insult a Thousand Son about his manly bitz.
    407. Thou shalt not taunt a Space Wolf with a piece of steak.
    408. Thou shalt not poop thy Power Armour.
    409. Thou shalt not make mention of the irony that a Grot blaster is a Lasgun, only the Orks admit it is crappy.
    410. Thou shalt not over clock thine Pentium and use it as a Plasma weapon.
    411. Thou shalt not intentionally overheat a plasma weapon and give it to an IG.
    412. Thou shalt not trip over Tau.
    413. Thou shalt not attempt to steal a Tau's weapon "to give to the poor Guardsmen".
    414. Thou shalt not moon the Tau in combat. They are good shots.
    415. Thou shalt not invoke the wraith of conures. If you are foolish enough to do so, a conure the size of two to four titans shalt descend upon the table and inflict his wraith.
    416. Thou shalt not attempt to borrow Tau Stealth Suits so that you might spy on the Sisters in their quarters.
    417. Thou shalt not attempt to rebuild a Necron as a washing machine.
    418. Thou shalt not laugh at the poorly painted armies.
    419. Thou shalt not play “fetch” with a Kroot Hound using a Guardsman.
    420. Thou shalt not go big game fishing for Manta Missile Destroyers.
    421. Thou shalt not try to change the batteries on a Scarab.
    422. Thou shalt not use the Blades of Reason to trim thy fingernails.
    423. Thou shalt not feed the Warp Beasts.
    424. Thou shalt not pet the Kroot Hounds.
    425. Thou shalt not ask the Sisters whether it's dyed or real.
    426. Thou shalt not call Old One Eye "Surf and Turf".
    427. Thou shalt not moonlight as a security guard if thine armour is red.
    428. Thou shalt not use the Hellhound to cook thy rations.
    429. Thou shalt not use thy Power Armour comm-link to prank call the Imperial Guard Storm Troopers.
    430. Thou shalt not sneak up on thy Commanding Officer, and yell "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD" in his ear.
    431. Thy Bolter is not to be used to shoot cans off walls.
    432. Thou shalt not steal the Land Speeder to "pick up Sisters".
    433. The Leman Russ is not a kettle. Do not attempt to use it to make tea or coffee.
    434. Thou shalt not attempt to empty your waste-paper basket into an Ork Dreadnought.
    435. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino as a "Clown Car", although thy might think it is.
    436. When throwing thy holiest of His grenades always count to three, yes three, not one,
    for it is not the holiest of numbers, or two, for the holiness of two pales in comparison, but three, yes three, not one or two, unless thou shalt be proceeding to three.
    437. Thou shalt not use blind grenades to sneak into the Sister's encampment.
    438. Thou shalt not mention the name "Buffy" when near the Blood Angels.
    439. Thou shalt not use Necron Scarabs as "Boogie Boards".
    440. Thou shalt not call Harlequins “psychedelic” or “groovy”
    441. Thou shalt never show an army of Orks more than two Harlequins at once.
    442. Thou shalt never laugh at the Laughing God.
    443. Thou shalt never play “Hide and Seek” with Librarians or Inquisitors.
    444. Thou shalt not play “tag” with Gaunts.
    445. Thou shalt never tie thy Power Armour laces together.
    446. Thou shalt never say "Resistance is futile" to the Adeptus Mechanicus.
    447. Thou shalt never criticize the “paper boys” in the Adeptus Administratum.
    448. Thou shalt not sell Chapter property on E-Bay.
    449. Thou shalt not put a cork in thine Battle Brothers waste disposal outlet tube.
    450. Thou shalt not "entertain" The Adeptus Sororitas in your billet.
    451. Thou shalt not refer to Imperial Guardsmen as "Cannon fodder".
    452. The Imperial Guard Colonel did not visit a fancy-dress shop.
    453. The Lasgun is not to be used to carve your name into the Land Raider's/ Predator's/
    Rhino's/ Razorbacks/ Leman Russ's/ Titan's armour plating.
    454. Thou shalt not lend Imperial Guardsmen your Power Armour or swap places for a day with Guardsmen.
    455. Thou shalt not try to perform brain surgery whilst wearing Power Armour.
    456. Thou shalt not assume that because you can take a Bolter hit in the head, the
    Guardsman over there can too.
    457. Thou shalt not use Tau shoulder pads as padding in games of cricket.
    458. Thou shalt not hide the keys to the Battle Barge.
    459. Thou shalt not call Ork Dreadnoughts or Killer Kans "R2-D2's big brother".
    460. Thou shalt not threaten thy enemy with a "Plasma enema" and thou shalt not carry out the act.
    461. Thou shalt not flirt with the Banshee. They are the enemy.
    462. Thou can not date a Dark Eldar Wych. They are the enemy too.
    463. Thou shalt not steal the Battle Sisters makeup.
    464. Thou shalt not try on the Battle Sisters armour to see if it compares to your own.
    465. Thou shalt not make fun of Warp Spiders guns.
    466. Thou shalt not take the Land Raider for a joy ride.
    467. Thou shalt not perform dare devil stunts in the Rhino. Especially if thine Brethren are in the back.
    468. Thou shalt not hijack the Battle Sisters Immolator. Especially if there are any Battle
    Sisters still on board!
    469. Thou shalt not add bits to thine armour to try to pass thine self off as a Battle Sister.
    470. Thou shalt not try to dance with a Banshee on the field of battle.
    471. Thou shalt not throw sticks for the Space Wolves.
    472. Thou shalt not play “fetch” with the Space Wolf Commanders “pet” Fenrisian Wolves.
    473. Thou shalt not keep a Tyranid as a pet.
    474. Thou shalt not challenge a Carnifex to a game of “catch”.
    475. Thou can not tie a Wraithlords laces together
    476. Thou shalt not call a Battle Sister “babe”.
    477. Thou shalt not be envious of the IG unit who art friends to the Sister Famulous!
    478. Thou shalt not steal the Tau Pulse Rifles, even if they are better than thy Bolters.
    479. Thou shalt not ask the Battle Sister if they would like to slip into something more comfortable.
    480. The Hellhound is not something you put on a leash and take for "walkies".
    481. Thou shalt not arm-wrestle with Tactical Dreadnoughts.
    482. Thou shalt not watch whilst the Battle Sisters change out of their Power Armour.
    483. Ork Warbosses are not toys, you can not try to pull their arms off and jump up and down on them.
    484. Thou shalt not relieve thy self behind a tree during battle.
    485. Thou shalt not go to thy great Emperor and make him "perform an illegal operation and be shut down".
    486. Thou shalt not wrestle the Battle Sisters and try to "pin them down".
    487. An Iron Halo is not a toy.
    488. A tank is not a toy.
    489. A Dreadnought is not a toy.
    490. Thou shalt not jump on the back of a Dreadnought in battle and see how long you can stay on.
    491. Thou shalt not play toy soldiers with the Guardsmen.
    492. The Space Hulk is not a wrestler.
    493. Spiky Bitz are not 'cool'.
    494. Khorne is a Chaos God not a food.
    495. Thou shalt not use Power Claws as scissors.
    496. Thou shalt not use Power Armour power points to plug in thy Gameboy.
    497. Thou shalt not use Hellion skyboards to impress the Sisters.
    498. Thou shalt not place a flashing light on top of the Rhino so that it is easier to find in the car park.
    499. If showing a Tau how your Boltgun works thou shalt not give it to him the wrong way round.
    500. A Necron is not a Meccano kit
    501. Thou shalt not tell the Inquisitor "say what you want about Chaos, but those Slaanesh can party!"
    502. Though shalt not blast "flight of the Valkeries" when buzzing enemies in your Land Speeder
    503. Thou shalt not trade His Most Delectable rations for gourmet Eldar tofu
    504. Thou shalt not offer backscratches when issued Lightning Claws
    505. Yes, it’s cheating to use Jump Packs during a basketball game
    506. No, you can't pose for Playgirl's "the men of the Adeptus Astartes"
    507. Enforcing discipline is not sending the Neophytes to procure strong monkish ale
    508. Don't call the Adeptus Mechanicus about warranty information concerning your destroyed Land Raider
    509. Don't shave a Bloodthirster in its sleep, it only makes them more angry when it wake up
    510. Do not deface His Most Blessed Battle Barges with the bumper sticker "We don't Brake"
    511. Thou shalt not compare thy height with that of the Ratling Snipers
    512. Thou Shalt not go the Way of The Navy
    513. Thou Shalt Not Kick the Emperor if thy see the Kick me sign on Him.
    514. Thou shall not try to prove your '1337' skills on Necrons, in the Eldar Webway, or on the Martian central cogitator mainframe
    514. Thou shalt not throw a bone at a Bloodthirster or flesh hounds shouting fetch
    515. Thou shalt not ask the Salamanders for a light
    516. Thou shalt not get Blood Angles to go to anger management classes
    517. Thou shalt not challenge White Scars to a street race.
    518. Thou shall not refer to Imperial Guard as gun fodder
    519. 20ft high electro-magnets should not be used around Necrons
    520. Thou shall not place the Liber Chaotica in your ex-wife’s possession
    521. Reid is completely useless against a Carnifex
    522. Salamanders do not need to go to "how to stop burning things" classes
    523. Thou shall not borrow the librarians psychic hood for the annual Guess Who Competition.
    524. Thou shall not pour water on an Avatar
    525. Thou shalt not attach a "For Sale: Previously owned by one careful user" to the wreck of a destroyed Dreadnought.
    526. Thou shalt not feed bio-carbonate soda to the Inquisitors Psyber-Eagle
    527. Thou shalt not use a Railgun as a see-saw.
    528. Thou shalt not comment on Captain Tycho not having his "happy face" on.
    529. Thou shalt not mention the phrase "bath time" in front of the Space Wolves.
    530. Thou shalt never mention, under pain of death, the stunted race of humanoids that mysteriously disappeared from the universe for unexplained reasons.
    531. Thou shalt not consider a detachment to Armageddon as a "Holiday".
    532. Thou shalt not refer to Tallarn as "the big beach".
    533. Thou shalt not tie an Inquisitors boot laces together and then run away giggling.
    534. Thou shalt not utilise the highly sophisticated, advanced and expensive long range communications array to make prank phone calls to the local bar and ask for a "Mr I.P.
    535. Thou shall not take the Emperor out walking
    536. Thou shall not attempt to be friends with Tyranids
    537. Thou shalt not "Borrow" the Land Raiders to race them then when they come back wrecked, blame it on Chaos
    538. Thou shalt not write clean me on a Catachan Chimera
    539. Thou shalt not fry ants with the Meltagun
    540. Thou shalt not fill the back of the Missile Launcher with promethium to "see what happens"
    541. Thou shalt not paint "beware of dog" on the Wolf Lord's armour
    542. Thou shalt not play pin the tail on the donkey with the Rough Rider’s horses
    543. Thou shalt not date Deamonettes or other followers of Slaanesh, no matter how tempting the concept may be.
    544. Thou shall not blame the Chapel heating for falling asleep during prayer
    545. Thou shall not paint 2 blue stripes down the middle of a Rhino and call it a 'Viper' variant
    546. Tau are not 'noobs'
    547. Thou shalt not refer to Assault Marines as 'tooled up pretty boys'
    548. The Ultramarines do have a sense of humour
    549. Thou shall not use the Land Raider for off road races
    550. Thou shalt not give manicures to Lightning Claws
    551. Thou shalt not procure Noise Marine’s weapons for thine garage band
    552. Thou shalt not comment on the temperature around thine Salamanders Brethren
    552. Thou shalt be punished for speaking the blasphemous "argh matey" around thine Chapter Master with the bionic leg
    553. Thou shalt not offer to "pump you up" to Imperial Guardsmen
    554. Thou shalt decline all invitations to party with Slannesh
    555. Thou shalt not salvage Spore Mines for whoopee-cushions
    556. Thou shalt not drag race thine abdominous opponents for bragging rights
    557. Thou shalt not ask "Ever wonder if the machine god is a C'Tan?" or thine shalt be branded Heretic and purged.
    558. "Pucker up homos!" is not an Adeptus Astartes approved battlecry
    559. Thou shalt not suggest a Banshee take voice lessons.
    560. Thou shalt not attempt to procure "the good stuff" from thine Apothecary
    561. Thou shalt not suggest thine Chapter Master is "so old his farts bow dust"
    562. Thou shalt not resort to nipple crippling when losing a fight girded with a Power Fist
    563. An Honour badge was never granted for basket weaving or surfing, to suggest so in sacrilegious and thou shalt report to the Chaplain for suitable penance.
    564. Thou shalt not replace thy Veteran Sergeants Bolt Pistol ammo for a flag with "bang" upon it.
    565. Thou shalt not use Power Swords for letter openers.
    566. Thou shalt not challenge Eldar to a bike race.
    567. Thou shalt not place thy holy banana into a Ravenwing Bike exhaust.
    568. Thou shalt not use Tyranid rending claws as tooth picks
    569. Thou shalt not use thy Plasma Cannons power pack for Christmas lights.
    570. Thou shalt not use Lightning Claws as back scratchers.
    571. Thou shalt not use thy Techpriest tools to unblock thy holy toilet.
    572. Thou shalt not use thy Emperors throne for personal use.
    573. Thou shalt not use the Techmarine's Servo Arm to serve drinks.
    574. Thou shalt not replace the Chaplain's Bike with a pedal-tricycle.
    575. Thou shalt not replace the Chaplain's Holy Relic with a cuddly toy.
    576. Thou shalt not use Chain Fists to clip thy toenails.
    577. The fact that Razorbacks have spiked rams at the front does not entitle you to use them as bumper cars.
    578. Thou shalt not attempt to fill Smoke Launchers with Silly String.
    579. Thou shalt not pester Dreadnoughts with "So what's it like to die then?”
    580. Thou shalt not sing "Who Let The Dogs Out" when visiting the Fang
    581. Thou shalt not offer the Emperor any kind of anti-wrinkle products
    582. Thou shalt not do loops while flying a Battle Barge.
    583. No, a Jump Pack is NOT a hairdryer.
    584. Thou shalt not refer to Marneus Calgar as 'Papa Smurf'
    585. Thou shalt not call Blood Angels 'pretty boys'
    586. Thou shalt not say 'dead man walking' every time thou see a Dreadnought
    587. Kroot hounds DO NOT make good Company mascots
    588. Space Wolf bites are actually worse than their bark
    589. Thou shalt not use Rhino dozer blades to help build thy Brother in-laws patio
    590. Remember Krootox are to be used as Christmas presents
    591. Thou shalt not make breathing noises and say 'we meet at last Obi-Wan' when handling Power Weapons
    592. Remember a 2+ armour save does not make you a Primarch
    593. Thou shalt not refer to Chaplain Lemartes as 'ticker-tape man'
    594. Thou shalt not say to an Inquisitor 'hey, i hear they’re bringing out the Malus
    Codicium in paperback'
    595. Thou shalt not whistle 'close encounters of the 3rd kind' every time you see a Tau
    596. Thou shalt not send Legion of the Damned Brethren trick or treating
    597. Thou shalt not "drag" with the Chapters Thunderhawks
    598. Thou shalt not ask an Ork for some "'shrooms"
    599. When thou hast taken many casualties, thou shalt 'flee' towards the guns of thy enemy hoping that their next volley may be more accurate
    600. Thou shalt not refer to the Grey Knights as 'Catholic fundamentalists'.
    601. Regardless of any laws regarding 'Daemon season', thou shalt not refer to the Grey Knights as 'poachers'.
    602. Thou shalt not make comparisons between Night Haunter and Batman.
    603. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Inqui- *Bolter fire*
    604. Thou shall not refer to the Golden Throne as a royal flush nor refer to a royal flush in poker as the golden throne
    605. Thou shalt not have a thumb war while wearing a Power Fist
    606. Thou shalt not take dancing lessons from Slaanesh
    607. Thou shalt not start a say that history is wrong and it was they Emperor who turned to Chaos
    608. Thou shalt not say thy Emperor is a false God in front of an Inquisitor
    609. Thou shalt not try to get they Battle Sister drunk for a little fun
    610. Thou shalt not become drunk before a battle so thy accidentally shoots thy Brothers
    611. Thou shalt not call Interrogator-Chaplains "Cross dressers"
    612. Thou shalt not attempt to trip up a Titan.
    613. Thou shalt not refer to the Deceiver as "Just a big gold court jester".
    614. Thou shalt not ask Tzeentch how to pull a rabbit out of a hat.
    615. Thou shalt not tell a Brother Space Marines that they can only move six inches at a time.
    616. Thou shalt not ask why Eldar Wave Serpents are just Falcons with an extra gun.
    617. Thou shalt not confuse the Black Legion with the Black Templars.
    618. Thou shalt not refer to Slaanesh as "That freaky nymphomaniac guy"
    619. Thou shalt not slice three toes off each foot of the Tau and see how well they walk.
    620. Thou shalt not underestimate the power of a Vibro Cannon, even if it is shoved up a Slaanesh Daemon Prince where the sun don't shine.
    621. Thou shalt not refer to the Ravenwing as "Speed Freeks in Power Armour."
    622. Thou shalt not point and laugh at Dark Angels.
    623. Thou shalt not cry "Toro!" while within earshot of a Blood Angel.
    634. Thou shalt not throw sticks while in the company of Space Wolves.
    625. Thou shalt not refer to the Ultramarines as "Ultrasmurfs."
    626. Thou shalt not keep pet Rippers.
    627. Thou shalt not ever, ever repeat the "Black and white Space Marine on the black and white bike" joke, ever.
    628. Daring neophytes to sniff flamer fuel is not appropriate training.
    629. Scouts are not "meat-shields with attitude."
    630. When an apothecary is administering narthecium, he is not giving the injured "a hit-up".
    631. Thou shalt not refer to the 1st company as "Tooled up Pretty boys".
    632:Thou shalt not drop ammunition for alcohol or other substances.
    633:Thou shalt not engage in "My Primarch could beat you Primarch" arguments with brother marines.
    634: Thou shalt not compare weaponry size with the size of reproductive organs
    635. never go up to a Daemonette and ask it if it wants to "get lucky".
    636. never go up to a Plaguebearer and tell it how its "looking better".
    637. Never go up to a Horror and say "hey, you look different today".
    638. Never go up to a Bloodletter and... well, never go up to a Bloodletter.
    639. Never go up to a Keeper of Secrets and look at it up and down and tell it with a surprised look on your face "YOUR supposed to be an avatar of the god of excess?"
    640. Never go up to a Bloodthirster and... never go up to a Bloodthirster.
    641. Never go up to a Great Unclean One and offer it a flu shot.
    642. Never go up to a Lord of Change and look at it and ask it "YOUR supposed to be an avatar of the Lord of Magic?"
    643.Thou shalt not refer to a hot drink as a "Battle sister", "Jaghati Khan" or "Imperial Standard" (Tea white nun, white one and white two respectivly).
    644.Thou shalt not chant "Thirteen - nill, Thirteen - nill, Thirteen - nill" at Abbadon the Despoiler.
    645.Thou shalt not ask Kharn how his mates are.
    646.Thou shalt not send a "Get well soon" card to Mortarion.
    647.Nor shalt thou give him a hanky.
    648.Thou shalt not cheer with joy that certain Games Designers now only work on Warhammer Fanatsy.

    Avatar and sig-banner by Mr_Saturn.

  15. - Top - End - #15
    Bugbear in the Playground
    Vespe Ratavo's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Over thattaway

    Default Re: Warhammer 40K jokes

    The 653 "Other" Commandments of the Adeptus Astartes (Part 2)
    649.Thou shalt not buy Firewarrior for the P.C. Ever.
    650.Thou shalt never, ever share a bed with anyone in the penal legion. It dosen't mater if it might be your last night alive.
    651.Thou shalt never name one of the Imperial navies vessels "Titanic", "Titanicus" or any variation on that theme.
    652.Thou shalt not compare the magical prowess of a Lord of Change with the mystical powers of the magic 8 ball.
    653. Thou shalt not do commandment number 652 in front of a Lord of Change, as the magical 8 ball will surely win.

    Dawn of War Dark Crusade Parodies (based on the speeches each leader gives as you invade their stronghold)
    +++Space Marine Cooking Business+++

    Davian Thule:

    The customers are at our doorstep, and thinks they can eat us out of business.

    He is already gloating, he can hear his money.

    But what he fails to see is that we'll make this his last bet!

    The Chief Chef has ordered the spamming and advertising of our business to protect our Chapter's pockets.

    Are we to close down our stalls, without them buying our food?

    Are we to let our Chapter's pockets empty?

    I say we do not! I say our customers will eat so much food that they will run out of money!

    Our battle barge orbits overhead, ready to empty our customers pockets.

    More of the Chefs shall join the cooking, but as ever, our customers are damned greedy, each of you, must cook a meal.

    Master Chefs the finest of the entire Chapter shall cook with us! Let their valour force the food into the customers' mouths!

    The waiter is with us! The cooking pan is with us!

    They have come for our food, but they will drown in their spit!

    +++Imperial Guard Cannon Fodder Day+++

    Lukas Alexander:

    5th Company! This is the suicide mission. You will not live, you will not be complete, and you shall not avoid the enemy's shots!

    Random Cannon Fodder:

    Sir! you don't deserve that big hat! Give it to me!

    *Commisar Shoots Cannon Fodder*


    If you would not serve as cannon fodder on the front lines, then you would serve the target practice!

    Lukas Alexander on Master Klaxons:

    Enemies of the Imperium, hear me!

    You have come here to shoot. The guy on the Golden Toilet is with us and we shall be great target practice.

    His soldiers shall be meat shields.

    His warmachines will absorb all your shots.

    His mighty guns will fire women at you.

    You will run out of ammo.

    The Big Guy has given us a useless piece of crap.

    So make yourselves ready!

    For today you shall run out of ammo!

    +++Eldar Political Scandal+++

    Clown: All is prepared.

    Farseer Taldeer: Excellent, loser Prechanus (Spelling?), take your losers to their positions and return to the Loser's Bar.

    Loser Prechanus: We are on our way.

    Taldeer: You have danced clown?

    Clown: I trust in your 100% failure chances, Taldeer of Ulthwe. But to stand surrounded by the paparazzi, makes me uneasy.

    Taldeer: I understand your jackassedness. We Eldars are made to lose instantly, not be torn piecemeal and carrying my boyfriend Akranadas' baby in me.

    The Orks however, make for an excellent political scandal. They will direct attention away from us and I and my boyfriend could marry in secret.

    Clown: And what if the Orks becomes yesterminutes' news?

    Taldeer: I do not doubt that they will remember my scandals, but it will cause them the time. And in their delayed state, they will face the greatest political scandal of all time!

    The Cabinet has named the scapegoat, Loser Prechanus will sacrifice himself to awaken the greatest political scandal of all time, the Avatar of Losers!

    Avatar: None shall not report me on the news!

    Avatar and sig-banner by Mr_Saturn.

  16. - Top - End - #16
    Ogre in the Playground
    Illiterate Scribe's Avatar

    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Dat Shoggoth

    Default Re: Warhammer 40K jokes

    Remember, love can bloom even between two enemies. Click on this initial image to get the rest. Not entirely SFW, but nothing explicit.


    Also, Kharn is awesome.


    The face of the Liar flapped on the wind, before slowly dragging itself off the claws of the Eversor. A casual flick, and it was torn again, but still caught on the breeze, to fall upon the still breathing body of Ensire the Liar.

    "Hraggg...Why. Why am I abandoned?" The Eversor cocked its head, and then turned, standing over the Chosen of Chaos, removing its pistol.
    A warp scarred hand tentatively arose, placing itself between the barrel and the bloody mess, "Hold, agent of the false god, before anything else, tell me-"

    The pistol stood, stark as iron. Then, slowly, slowly, lowered.

    "Can-" the man gulped spit and blood through his ragged throat, a spurt dribbling over his chest piece, "Can love bloom, on, on the battlefield?"
    The pistol, impatient off to the side, crept over to the Liar's face again.

    "Cause," the Liar shut his eye, a salty tear running across the meat of his cheek, "I-I think it just did."

    The pistol froze. The Eversor stared down, at the pathetic face of hamburger.

    "I-" Blood flooded off the face, as the Chaos man looked away, "I can understand if you don't-"

    The skull gently tocked against his forehead, as plasteel teeth ran into broken remains of teeth set in ruined gums, and tongue met tongue, wrapping and writhing over one another.

    Last edited by Illiterate Scribe; 2008-02-02 at 09:42 PM.

  17. - Top - End - #17
    Orc in the Playground

    Join Date
    Sep 2007

    Default Re: Warhammer 40K jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by LBO View Post
    There are about 40,000 40k lightbulb jokes, but my favourites are:
    How many Inquisitors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    Three: One to screw in the lightbulbs, one to outlaw lightbulbs and one to deny the existence of lightbulbs.

    How many followers of Slaanesh does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    Two, of course, but don't ask me how they got in there
    Q: How many Inquisitors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: 2, one to screw in the lightbulb and the other to shoot him in the head for knowing how a lightbulb works.

    Heh, how did you like the Inquisitor raid on Hogwarts?
    Quote Originally Posted by EvilElitest
    Executor - for a Vs. thread, you have laid out the case for this confrontation very intelligently - bravo!
    he is like the demigod of vs. threads
    They can take our lives... but they'll never take our AWESOME!!!

    Awarded EvilElitest the Trophy for winning the internet.

    Alumnus of the Sauron vs Voldemort thread

  18. - Top - End - #18
    Orc in the Playground
    Meshakhad's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jul 2005

    Default Re: Warhammer 40K jokes

    Vespe, those jokes were awesome. I was laughing constantly.
    Quote Originally Posted by Druid_lord View Post
    I rise from the depths of hell once more to answer the call of...MESHAKHAD!!!!
    Founder/Rabbi of the Kazumi Kato and Daigo ???? Fanclub

    Gordon Freeman avatar by Dr. Bath.

  19. - Top - End - #19
    Bugbear in the Playground
    Zenos's Avatar

    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Bærum, Norway

    Default Re: Warhammer 40K jokes

    How many orcs are needed to screw in a lightbulb?
    Only one, but lots of lightbulbs.

    How many Eldar are needed to screw in a lightbulb?
    Three, one to screw in the lightbulb, one to play a song and one to make an epic poem about it.
    Avatar by Arokh.

  20. - Top - End - #20
    Orc in the Playground
    LBO's Avatar

    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Altansar Craftworld

    Default Re: Warhammer 40K jokes

    Hmm... Scribe, that's not exactly historically accurate, cause Taldeer got a Bolivian Army Ending rather than fleeing. (Oh, yeah, and an Officio agent not killing someone, right.) Funny stuff though. I assume there aren't any more pictures?

    Executor, that inquisition raid on Hogwarts should be standard reading material in WH40k vs threads as an example of brutality, not to mention the be all and end all of HP vs 40k threads

    On the topic of hilarious 40k comics, anyone who hasn't read TSOALR should RIGHT NOW: here is a typical offering (find the commandment!)
    Last edited by LBO; 2008-02-03 at 07:10 AM.

  21. - Top - End - #21
    Bugbear in the Playground
    Zenos's Avatar

    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Bærum, Norway

    Default Re: Warhammer 40K jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by LBO View Post
    Hmm... Scribe, that's not exactly historically accurate, cause Taldeer got a Bolivian Army Ending rather than fleeing. (Oh, yeah, and an Officio agent not killing someone, right.) Funny stuff though. I assume there aren't any more pictures?

    Executor, that inquisition raid on Hogwarts should be standard reading material in WH40k vs threads as an example of brutality, not to mention the be all and end all of HP vs 40k threads

    On the topic of hilarious 40k comics, anyone who hasn't read TSOALR should RIGHT NOW: here is a typical offering (find the commandment!)
    Ah, yes. TSOALR, very good comic.
    Avatar by Arokh.

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