D&D Tools - The Beard [Spoof]

[UndeadJames]

Playing D&D for 2 years, I began to get a strange feeling, at first I thought it was coincidence, perhaps a statement of fashion, or just a hint of the personal grooming habits of my fellow players. This feeling became stronger as I noticed it even more.

About 90% of my fellow (male) players have beards. Why?

I can hear the tone of contempt in your voices as you dismiss my observation as mere chance. I was inclined to follow your line of thinking once, but then I grew to believe there was power in the almighty beard. After some research, I began to grow one myself, despite protests from my girlfriend and peers. Herein follows further observations on the ecology and habits of the beard.

Pecking Order

In a varied age group of players, hierarchy is often established by the length, colour, texture, and style of the beard. In my first group, my mosher's goatee gained me the prestigious title of Party Leader, while Scott and Joe became my lieutenants, thanks to their scruffy full-face beards. Alex, a beardless adolescent, was the Omega of the party, with not even the merest hint of stubble to gain him some footing in our discussions. Of course, we all paled in comparison to the James Hetfield-style face-fur adopted by our Dungeon Master, John, who could quell a rules-inspired uprising among the group with a simple stroke of his moustache.

A Thinking Tool

When troubled by a riddle, a maze, or even a dilemma as to which enemy to eviscerate first, we would waste time discussing such actions amongst ourselves, ignoring the most powerful tool at our disposal. The Beard. With a simple stroke, we felt enlightened, acting decisively to save the day.

[Feel free to add further uses to this thread =]] ]

[Learnedguy]

A good a reason as any to roll Dwarf!

[Burley]

I've found my beard to be a great role-playing aid. I grew mine after creating a character who wears a cowl (due to facial burn scars). Before I grew it, I had to hold my hands up when I spoke in-character for dramatic effect. After the beard, I simply had to change the tone of my voice, and everybody understood and got a much more vivid image of my character and the inability to see his face.

[AslanCross]

Does this apply to DMs too? Maybe my scruffy 5 o'clock shadow helps me narrate better. Or is it simply a sign of spending countless hours preparing statblocks? D:

[theMycon]

I've found, as the night goes on and I experience more as a player/DM and get more "in" the role, my beard grows noticably larger.

[horseboy]

You know, I did notice about 10 years ago I was the only guy in the group without a goatee.

[Farmer42]

I started out a lost, confused player with scraggly stubble and and unkempt beard. I have since grown manly and a powerful DM, with my porkchop sideburns of primal authority.

[Zincorium]

While I'm not, due to uniform standards, allowed to have a full beard, I do have the world's worst 5 o'clock shadow. And back in the days when I played a lot more, I had a very nice goatee.

Well, I was proud of it anyway, not too many 13 year olds have more than a few straggly hairs.

[Admiral Squish]

I have five-week shadow.

[metalbear]

I used to get by as a noob with but a mere goatee, but in time as I began to understand to game more, I was able to grow a full and glorious beard. This beard soon became the envy of my gaming friends, and for some inexplicable reason I had become the party leader (even though I missed about one out of every three gaming sessions). The beard gave me a greater authority that transends little things like experience in playing the game or knowledge of the game mechanics.

[SilentNight]

Grow it big and store your dice.

[Swordguy]

Meh. I grew mine when I started working Ren Faires years ago and got used to it. RPGs had nothing to do with it (I really missed it during my Army days - I grew it back as soon as I was discharged).

[Durendal]

I'm currently rocking the soul patch, but it was originally a full goatee that I used to unconsciuosly stroke at the game table whenever something perplexing came up.

[Mewtarthio]

I've found, as the night goes on and I experience more as a player/DM and get more "in" the role, my beard grows noticably larger.

...!

...I will not make a dirty joke... I will not make a dirty joke...

[Worira]

Mandatory reference.

[theMycon]

...!

...I will not make a dirty joke... I will not make a dirty joke...

A note to those following my last posted thread- the DM is meeting me for "coffee" later this morning (Valentines), we're probably watching a movie "for class" after that, and we're hanging out for a few hours later on, before he goes out to dinner at late-night half-off-Indian with the mentioned "girlfriend". And he is an unbelievably sexy man, IMO, so...

There's now triple entendre with a "growing beard" when we refer to my table. Any dirty jokes made will actually be ironic understatement.

[evisiron]

I wanted to argue with the beard idea, but the only people in my normal group without beards are the girls!
Oh, and that one guy no one listens to...


As for uses, the beard can catch fallen foodstuffs, leading to a higher level of consumed energy by the bearer of the beard.

And yes, I have a beard

[Admiral Squish]

My beard is a psionic power, and my chest hair eats people.

[Krusty Kobold]

I do not have a beard due to occupational reasons and tend to remain clean shaven, yet I was the acting strategist, comic relief and all around butt kicker in my last party.

I wonder if this is a corrolation to the fact that kobolds (character race) tend to be called "poo" for brains and smart "butts" leading one to believe that their brains are then in their rears. I do scratch my butt when thinking, in character of course.

hmm... interesting.

Would i then be immune to mind flayer brain eating. Does this also mean i go off the length, fullness, and style of my butt hair. I hope not

[Maxymiuk]

Without my beard (I shaved it off a couple days ago just to remind myself how I look without it) I'm just a somewhat pudgy shlub. With it, I look like a cross between the best (or worst?) qualities of a Gypsy, a Viking, and a highway bandit.

I've had people run from me when I smiled at them from under my beard. Hells yeah I'm growing it right back.

[Shademan]

i want a sly-looking flippbeard.
but currently all i get is like... three long strains of hair popping outta my chin.
beardgrowth comes late in my familly. but when it DO comes it gets MIGHTY!

[Khanderas]

Mandatory reference.

Curses !
I was gonna do that !
Well played Sir.... Well played...

[UndeadJames]

Alas, in my new campaign. there is only one male player so far, and I'm DMing, so the remaining three players can neither grow beards, nor fall under the power of the beard. Those of the female persuasion seem immune to the mind-controlling aura of a well-grown beard.

Does this apply to DMs too? Maybe my scruffy 5 o'clock shadow helps me narrate better. Or is it simply a sign of spending countless hours preparing statblocks? D:

Yes, always. If anything, DMs should have the most spectacular facial plumage.

I started out a lost, confused player with scraggly stubble and and unkempt beard. I have since grown manly and a powerful DM, with my porkchop sideburns of primal authority.

Congratulations on your move up the food chain =]]

As for uses, the beard can catch fallen foodstuffs, leading to a higher level of consumed energy by the bearer of the beard.

Alas. my beard is kept trimmed to deter food particles from clinging to said beard. I couldn't think of anything worse than clots of soup hanging from any hairy region of myself.

i want a sly-looking flippbeard.
but currently all i get is like... three long strains of hair popping outta my chin.
beardgrowth comes late in my familly. but when it DO comes it gets MIGHTY

Your day will come, oh yes, your day will come.

[theMycon]

My (rather stoned) friend Sean looks at this thread, thinks double-entendre, and says "so... gay dudes with girlfriends respect whoever has the fattest girlfriend? Is that like, 'I can still get interested in uglier chicks, so I'm closest to straight. Therefore, you should want me more.' or somethin?"

How I love the fratboy thinking process.

[Eldmor]

I have attempted to grow the legendary Beard of Intellect but I have come across something far more interesting. My hair seems to grow uneven along the jawline and made a vague pattern. Then I consulted the local Magewright to cast Identify on it in case of some magical malady. To my amazement, I am the possessor of the first Stripes of the Zebrafolk.

[Admiral Squish]

Appropriately masculine beards are like masterwork tools, but they work for every check EVER.


My beard is weird. I haven't cut it in months, yet it refuses to move beyond it's pupal stage. It's too long for five-o'-clock shadow, but too short for a full beard. I am saddened.

[Armoury99]

"He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard is less than a man."
- William Shakespeare

But taking an honestly dispassionate and scientific view... since I grew my goatee, I am more evil.

On the other hand, maybe that's something to do with the fact that my girlfriend won't kiss me anymore.

[Swooper]

Now I feel weird. No-one in my group grows a beard. Those of us that can, shave.

I did grow a goatee for a larp session once, though... I was playing Merlin, and I got my powers from the devil, so I had to

[Roderick_BR]

My beard is a psionic power, and my chest hair eats people.

Mine casts magic missiles. In the darkness.
And my arm hair can deflect bullets. Not really. But would be cool. Though I'd look like Wonder Woman... a bearded Wonder Woman... hmm... no.

I should let my beard grow again. It grows very quickly. My brother takes twice the time to grow a beard as big, and is not as thick.

[MorkaisChosen]

Interestingly, since I started playing D&D more, my facial hair has advanced from "ridiculous proto-moustache" to "ridiculous proto-moustache and slightly bristly cheeks." Mysterious...

(I shave it all off, by the way)