Why Kid Jake Is Still Single (With Examples!)

[Jon_Dahl]

It's not highjacking. I think we can contribute with our own stuff too if it's relevant to the thread. I think it would be unnecessary to have multiple threads that have the same stuff from different authors: "Witticisms of Jon_Dahl", "Witticisms of X", "Witticisms of Y"... If there's a thread for witticisms, just use it to show your own stuff, and there you have it.

[golentan]

Great. If you ever come up with one, feel free to let us know.

[Jon_Dahl]

Great. If you ever come up with one, feel free to let us know.

I didn't understand. If I come up with a witticism, right? I'll delete this message after receiving an answer.

[AliceLost]

It's not highjacking. I think we can contribute with our own stuff too if it's relevant to the thread. I think it would be unnecessary to have multiple threads that have the same stuff from different authors: "Witticisms of Jon_Dahl", "Witticisms of X", "Witticisms of Y"... If there's a thread for witticisms, just use it to show your own stuff, and there you have it.

I'm confident if you start a "Witticisms of Jon_Dahl" thread, it'll make it to page 4 before getting locked. You should try it, so we can stop derailing this one.

Kid Jake, more snarky one liners! More!

[Kid Jake]

Since you asked so nice, I'll post the first handful I can find before hitting the sack.

Spoiler: She wonders how you define the 'radical left.'

Show

By the time they're considered part of the 'radical left' I'd say things are pretty severe. I'd imagine they own two...maybe even three berets.

Spoiler: Her favorite channel is the Food Network.

Show

Do you actually like cooking, or do you just tune into the food channel to stare at them enviously and plot?

Spoiler: She claims to be the female Ron Swanson.

Show

I always thought that the female version of Ron Swanson would have an equally impressive mustache. Just..you know, braided or something.

Spoiler: She wants to find a great conversationalist.

Show

Not to toot my own horn, but I am a DAZZLING conversationalist. Just give me a person a place and an activity.

No wait...that's improv. Improv is the thing that I'm good at.

Sorry, my mistake.

[georgie_leech]

Spoiler: She claims to be the female Ron Swanson.

Show

I always thought that the female version of Ron Swanson would have an equally impressive mustache. Just..you know, braided or something.

Spoiler: Spoilers for the mobile folks

Show

[Kid Jake]

Now that's a handsome lady.

[Illven]

Spoiler: She wants to find a great conversationalist.

Show

Not to toot my own horn, but I am a DAZZLING conversationalist. Just give me a person a place and an activity.

No wait...that's improv. Improv is the thing that I'm good at.

Sorry, my mistake.

This one. This one was good.

[SaintRidley]

Now that's a handsome lady.

Spoiler

Show

[Serpentine]

Spoiler

Show

Spoiler

Show

There are some very great messages there For comparison, this is my usual inbox status (punctuated by comments about my boobs):

Spoiler

Show

As an OKC veteran I could have a look at your profile if you like. With your pictures, even the ugliest man in the world can take a good photo, and I'm guessing you're not him, and it does make a difference. Seems like you're not really after advice, though - though if you were, I'd ask whether those are the whole of your messages or whether you follow it up with something else. Great openers, but would probably be good to follow with the start of a proper conversation.
But if you're happy with what you do then you do what you do

[Kid Jake]

There are some very great messages there For comparison, this is my usual inbox status (punctuated by comments about my boobs):

Spoiler

Show

I've gotten some of those before. It's worse than no response, because where the hell do you go from there? "'sup?" "Yo?" "And a fine afternoon to yourself my friend, a true pleasure to make the acquaintance of one so insightful and witty as yourself?"

As an OKC veteran I could have a look at your profile if you like. With your pictures, even the ugliest man in the world can take a good photo, and I'm guessing you're not him, and it does make a difference. Seems like you're not really after advice, though - though if you were, I'd ask whether those are the whole of your messages or whether you follow it up with something else. Great openers, but would probably be good to follow with the start of a proper conversation.
But if you're happy with what you do then you do what you do

Seems like I've always taken terrible photos. They're a good likeness, but terrible photos.

I have managed a few conversations on there, but it seems impossible to actually hold someone's attention. Either they ignore me (which is fair enough, I'd probably ignore me until I went away too) or they give 2-3 word replies until I run out of ways to stretch that into something that looks like a conversation and I excuse myself to find someone else to bother; since it's hard to tell if it's disinterest and they're just one of those people who are too polite to tell me to go away or if they're on a dating site because they're just that bad with people. The longest I've talked to someone, that actually seemed engaged, was when I ended up giving a girl advice on how to fix her router; but that literally only lasted until the router booted up, so....a technical success I guess?

So advice is welcome, but I'm pretty much doing this because I find it all amusing but it's wrong to just sit and laugh at your own jokes over and over again by yourself. That's what crazy people do, and I've already got enough marks against me.

[FinnLassie]

Gotta ask... do you ever cringe at what you've written? This is some hilarious stuff, but as you go through your messages do you ever go "what why oh why why"?

[Kid Jake]

Nah, I've got a rich history of saying things that would make lesser men facepalm in embarrassment. I do occasionally say to myself "So THAT'S why she deleted her profile..." though. I mean if I could redo some of these I probably would, but I can't so there's no reason to worry about what past-me's already done. Besides, who knows what the hell I'd come up with on the second pass.

[georgie_leech]

Nah, I've got a rich history of saying things that would make lesser men facepalm in embarrassment. I do occasionally say to myself "So THAT'S why she deleted her profile..." though. I mean if I could redo some of these I probably would, but I can't so there's no reason to worry about what past-me's already done. Besides, who knows what the hell I'd come up with on the second pass.

Probably something hilarious. This thread is making me wish there was a "subscribe to poster" button.

[Winter_Wolf]

There are some very great messages there For comparison, this is my usual inbox status (punctuated by comments about my boobs):

Spoiler

Show

:

I'll bet all those "hey" messages make boob comments almost witty by comparison. Actually I highly doubt it, but it does raise the question of why bother sending a message if that's the pinnacle of their opening lines.

At least we can say Kid Jake has style. And possibly is insane. (I consider that a plus, btw.)

[Kid Jake]

Probably something hilarious. This thread is making me wish there was a "subscribe to poster" button.

It'd mostly just be campaign recaps and me waving around pieces of clay that I made look like things. Both of which I've been neglecting lately, due to all the time I've spent documenting my seduction harassment of the ladies.

I'll bet all those "hey" messages make boob comments almost witty by comparison. Actually I highly doubt it, but it does raise the question of why bother sending a message if that's the pinnacle of their opening lines.

At least in droomtc's case, it looks like he's hoping his 'guns' will do the talking for him after he's made the necessary introductions.

At least we can say Kid Jake has style. And possibly is insane. (I consider that a plus, btw.)

I think I'ma sig that.

[Winter_Wolf]

I think I'ma sig that.

Have at it. You've more than earned it.

My daughter has been asking what I'm laughing at when I read your humor. I've elected to say "nothing" because trying to explain it to a four year old is more than my sanity can take. Because eventually "why" stops sounding like an actual word.

[lio45]

So advice is welcome,

You probably won't like the one single elephant-in-the-room piece of advice then, which is that your approach of showing off how clever you are with a one liner (sometimes even putting her down in the process) is very bad if your goal is to get replies, then get to know them better and eventually meet them on dates and eventually get into a relationship with one.

On the other hand, I guess one could say that it's a powerful filter for the very rare type of girl who won't be rubbed the wrong way by it.

But given that even the most desirable men out there have abysmal reply rates, I'm not sure adding one more filtering layer -- and a really strong one at that -- is what you want to do at this point.

I'm pretty sure you're enjoying this mild trolling anyway, so I'd say you're more than welcome to continue :)

For more interesting results (since the goal isn't to get to meet girls anyway) you might try again using a random handsome guy pic like you did already in the past, see if you get more two-way interaction.

[golentan]

Nah, I've got a rich history of saying things that would make lesser men facepalm in embarrassment. I do occasionally say to myself "So THAT'S why she deleted her profile..." though. I mean if I could redo some of these I probably would, but I can't so there's no reason to worry about what past-me's already done. Besides, who knows what the hell I'd come up with on the second pass.

Hey, I mean... The reason I deleted my profile back when was because the person I was talking to turned out to be SUPER racist.

So if you're just going with embarrassing and insane, I would say you are well ahead of the curve.

[Velaryon]

If you're 0 for 300 then you've got an even worse track record than I do. But then it seems from the research I did the first time I signed up on OKCupid that even a guy who's doing everything "right" will only get a reply at all maybe one time in five.

For what it's worth, I am really enjoying reading the excerpts you've given us. Some of your humor has a bit of meanness to it, whether that's intended or not. It doesn't bother me at all, but then I'm not the people you're hoping to hook.

Spoiler: She admits she can't ride a bike.

Show

The hardest part of riding a bike is learning how to slow down two lanes of traffic at once while acting like everyone else is in the wrong. Once you've mastered that you're golden.

A lot of your messages have made me laugh, but this one especially so.

[Kid Jake]

My daughter has been asking what I'm laughing at when I read your humor. I've elected to say "nothing" because trying to explain it to a four year old is more than my sanity can take. Because eventually "why" stops sounding like an actual word.

I can relate to that. My niece is prone to saying the same crap that I am, but doesn't quite understand why it's supposed to be funny so she usually just thinks people are laughing at her. Which of course just makes her deadpan delivery funnier.

You probably won't like the one single elephant-in-the-room piece of advice then, which is that your approach of showing off how clever you are with a one liner (sometimes even putting her down in the process) is very bad if your goal is to get replies, then get to know them better and eventually meet them on dates and eventually get into a relationship with one.

On the other hand, I guess one could say that it's a powerful filter for the very rare type of girl who won't be rubbed the wrong way by it.

But given that even the most desirable men out there have abysmal reply rates, I'm not sure adding one more filtering layer -- and a really strong one at that -- is what you want to do at this point.

I'm pretty sure you're enjoying this mild trolling anyway, so I'd say you're more than welcome to continue :)

For more interesting results (since the goal isn't to get to meet girls anyway) you might try again using a random handsome guy pic like you did already in the past, see if you get more two-way interaction.

One of my biggest problems approaching a girl online is that so many of them give you absolute jack to go on in their profiles so I'm pretty much grasping at straws trying to think of something to say. Most of my more...aggressive messages are usually the result of only having a few minor remarks to go by and just blind firing before I move on. I mean a smartassed message has a ridiculously low probability of a response, but no message has no chance...and isn't as fun.

Hey, I mean... The reason I deleted my profile back when was because the person I was talking to turned out to be SUPER racist.

So if you're just going with embarrassing and insane, I would say you are well ahead of the curve.

Wow, I've never been ahead of a social curve before.

For what it's worth, I am really enjoying reading the excerpts you've given us. Some of your humor has a bit of meanness to it, whether that's intended or not. It doesn't bother me at all, but then I'm not the people you're hoping to hook.

Thankya. I've been accused of having a vicious sense of humor in the past, as Jormengand mentioned I used to run a comic strip that as I recall was once described as 'gut-wrenchingly funny and indescribably offensive', but I've never really meant to be mean-spirited. Like I said, deep down I'm just kind of an a-hole without intending to be.

[Kid Jake]

Spoiler: She wants a man strong enough to message her.

Show

So, how does one prove he's strong enough to message you? Is there some kind of wrestling contest? Do I need to reel in a marlin or arrange some manner of...bear joust?

I'm down for any but the last one. I have a strong moral objection to bear jousting. No, wait...I don't think moral's the right word.

What's the word for 'fear of being eaten by a mounted bear in half-plate' again? Because that's the one I have.

Spoiler: For some reason she wants to be the Poison Ivy to somebody's Batman...

Show

When you say that you want to be somebody's Poison Ivy, I assume you mean you want to fill some lucky guy's hometown with toxic, maneating plants?

Spoiler: She says she's a Disney fan waiting for Micky Mouse to eventually leave the 'friend zone.'

Show

Don't tell me you're one of those Mickey/Donald shippers. Sorry to break it to you lady, but the duck's first and only love will always be the navy.

Spoiler: She likes curling up and watching Hulu.

Show

You know, you're quite the rebel, I can't say that I've ever seen another profile that mentions Hulu. I was starting to think that Okc had some sort of promotional deal with Netflix to promote it as the 'video streaming service...of love.'

Spoiler: She claims she avoids Facebook because it's nothing but politics and Pokemon memes. Then asks "Pikachu's running for president, right?"

Show

Don't be ridiculous, Pikachu can't run for office. He's Japanese.

Spoiler: Her profile is a little...sparse.

Show

So, what're you into ****? If your profile's anything to go on, I'm going to assume it's not talking about yourself.

*I didn't curse at her, just didn't want to post her name.

Spoiler: True story.

Show

I can relate to being really excited at the prospect of gardening, only to find out that my superpower is apparently killing plants by touching them.

I remember years back my mom (who could grow anything) got me an aloe plant and was like "I'm going to walk you through this. ANYBODY can learn to garden, it's easy!"

Two days later she comes back to check on my progress and the thing is completely dead. She was just like "Alright, you should probably just give up now. This isn't going to happen."

Spoiler: She considers herself a taco connoiseur.

Show

As a connoisseur of fine tacos, what would you say really 'makes' the taco? The quality of the meat? The freshness of the tortilla? The texture of the cheese? Or is it how many they can stuff in a sack for under $9.99?

Spoiler: She thinks that people who can speak multiple languages are sexy. Of course Elvish doesn't count.

Show

How about the universal language of love? Klingon.

Spoiler: She replies that she thought Vulcan would be the language of love in Star Trek.

Show

That's....highly illogical.

Spoiler: She replies that my logic seems sounds.

Show

Well, if there's one thing I'm big on; it's logic. If there was a second thing it'd be S'mores. But second place doesn't put asses in the seats, so I stick to the logic.

[georgie_leech]

Spoiler: She wants a man strong enough to message her.

Show

So, how does one prove he's strong enough to message you? Is there some kind of wrestling contest? Do I need to reel in a marlin or arrange some manner of...bear joust?

I'm down for any but the last one. I have a strong moral objection to bear jousting. No, wait...I don't think moral's the right word.

What's the word for 'fear of being eaten by a mounted bear in half-plate' again? Because that's the one I have.

I want you to know that I may have permanently strained something trying to not burst out laughing in a quiet waiting room. Also, I may just sig that last line there if you don't mind.

[Kid Jake]

Yar, feel free.

[2D8HP]

What you are being, however, is hilarious.

Hey, kinda like the old UTCS!

I've been accused of having a vicious sense of humor in the past, as Jormengand mentioned I used to run a comic strip that as I recall was once described as 'gut-wrenchingly funny and indescribably offensive', but I've never really meant to be mean-spirited. Like I said, deep down I'm just kind of an a-hole without intending to be.

So the "CS" in UTCS is for "comic strip"?
That's such a cruel, cruel tease!
Link please (or just tell what to "Google")!

[Anonymouswizard]

Oh man, some of these are causing me to literally laugh out loud.

There are some very great messages there For comparison, this is my usual inbox status (punctuated by comments about my boobs)

I'd ask if those comments work, but I've made a commitment to be the other kind of weirdo that appears on dating sites.

Also, I think I've had about three variations of 'hey' myself, it's just annoying. I can't even be asked to check their profile after that.

...Man, maybe I should try this thing going around of sending stupid first messages. Trying to show interest in what people's profiles say has gotten me nowhere. Okay, I've had about two conversations, but nowhere near the quality Kid Jake seems to have experiencedinflicted? on a regular basis. Maybe I need to up my game and become a *******?

[Kid Jake]

So the "CS" in UTCS is for "comic strip"?
That's such a cruel, cruel tease!
Link please (or just tell what to "Google")!

Yar, it was the Untitled Comic Strip. Sadly it doesn't exist anymore because I under-budgeted for my hosting and spent most of what I had left on ad space. Before it ended it took the #1 spot on one webcomic ranking site, #6 on another and something like 105th on the biggest one I registered for; if given enough time it might've gotten an audience.

I saved a bunch of them though, so I'll try to dig them up and put them in Dropbox or something.

[Kid Jake]

Here's the ones I could find. I seem to remember there being quite a few more, but they're probably on the laptop I lost.

Spoiler: My old banner. Some people might remember this as my signature on here for quite a while.

Show

[Tvtyrant]

This thread is steadily becoming my favorite on the forum.

How did you manage to kill a plant in two days?

[Kid Jake]

Glad to hear it.


I have no idea, if I knew what I did I could backwards engineer it to find out how to keep one alive. From what I can tell though, most of its problems began at "Jake touched it."