Personal Woes and Advice 6

[Sermil]

I'm not sure that I handled that quite right.

I think it was a generally awkward situation -- person 1 saying "I want to hang out with someone", person 2: "OK, I can hang out.", person 1: "Umm, I didn't mean you" -- but not really your fault. Or really anyone's fault.

I love my friend very much and I want to do right by him, I just worry that I'm not quite the friend he needs right now. For that matter I don't know if the right thing is to try to get closer or back off.

Well, since he said he wanted you to be the one accompanying him to the store, presumably he wants time with you.

So I would guess closer. Unless there's another reason you think that's not the right thing?

[The Fury]

Kinda hard to give solid advice with no details to go by. From what you wrote however, you seem to be a considerate friend who is thinking about other people's welfare and who's heart is on the right place. Whether you're friend recognises that depends on their mental state and general empathy/closeness towards you.
It seems to me you're doing the best you can.

I am trying. I'm a worrier just in general, and the issue is complicated further by the fact that my friend has a pretty big guilt complex. After getting some encouragement, I actually talked out some of what I've been feeling with him. For his part, he does recognize that I'm doing my best and admitted that asking for help is difficult for him. He also told me that he's been a "pity friend" enough times that it's not easy for him to accept that people want him around because they just like him. I think it might have been good that he got that reaffirmation that I'm someone that loves and cares about him and that he has other friends that feel the same way.

I think it was a generally awkward situation -- person 1 saying "I want to hang out with someone", person 2: "OK, I can hang out.", person 1: "Umm, I didn't mean you" -- but not really your fault. Or really anyone's fault.

I think it was awkward more because my friend seemed to really not want to choose which of us three to take with him, and neither of the two others seemed OK with staying. That was my thinking anyway when I volunteered to stay. Hopefully I spared everyone else a little extra awkwardness and didn't disappoint anyone too badly.

Well, since he said he wanted you to be the one accompanying him to the store, presumably he wants time with you.

So I would guess closer. Unless there's another reason you think that's not the right thing?

I guess. I feel like I come off as pretty cold a lot of times, and I don't really want to be that person. I also don't want to come off as obnoxiously clingy either.

When I had a heart-to-heart with him earlier today, my friend did offer me some reassurance. He said that just having me around makes him feel better and that I was about the best friend he could ask for.

[The Fury]

So, something sort of unfortunate happened this week. I was talking about comics with some friends, and a particular artist came up, and I used Google to find some of his artwork to show. This artist was someone that I knew personally, kind of like a mentor or professor, he also died of cancer about ten years ago. The search results included some photos of him too. Being alive and cheerful. They made me so intensely sad that I dropped my phone and left the room crying.

[Lissou]

I am so sorry to hear that :( Sorry for your loss. What a way to learn about it, too :S

[The Fury]

I am so sorry to hear that :( Sorry for your loss. What a way to learn about it, too :S

I know, right? I feel bad about for my friends that I was talking with. I was literally fine up until I wasn't, and it sucks that talking about things I enjoy can actually turn out to be triggering for me.

For what it's worth, I did come back after taking a minute to settle down and explained what happened. Both my friends were really cool and understanding about it. I still wish that I hadn't reacted the way I did.

[halfeye]

So, something sort of unfortunate happened this week. I was talking about comics with some friends, and a particular artist came up, and I used Google to find some of his artwork to show. This artist was someone that I knew personally, kind of like a mentor or professor, he also died of cancer about ten years ago. The search results included some photos of him too. Being alive and cheerful. They made me so intensely sad that I dropped my phone and left the room crying.

Did you already know he was dead? I thought I read it that you did, but the later posts imply not.

[The Fury]

Did you already know he was dead? I thought I read it that you did, but the later posts imply not.

He died ten years ago, I was at the funeral. So yeah, I knew he was dead. It's just that I had thought that I'd moved on after all these years, evidently I haven't.

Edit: when responding to Lissou regarding "learning about it" in my dumb brain I was thinking that I learned about having a trigger that I didn't know I had.

[Lissou]

Oh, sorry, I misunderstood. I thought you had lost touch and didn't realise he was dead and that's how you learned about it. Sorry about the misunderstanding. The rest of my message still stands, though.

[The Fury]

Oh, sorry, I misunderstood. I thought you had lost touch and didn't realise he was dead and that's how you learned about it. Sorry about the misunderstanding. The rest of my message still stands, though.

More like I thought I had processed my grief over the situation. It turned out that I still have something that never quite healed.

[Spore]

My go-to reaction when my mom talks about people she lost and loved is to remember the fun things about them, the positive feelings. There is no need to focus on the death. It comes for us all one day. Share some of his art with us, so we can enjoy it together. I'm quite curious about it too, now that I've mentioned it.

(Plus, about your friend: Sometimes it is best not to ask and just to barge in on a day you know they have time and just keep them company. No words needed, just "hey, I was in the area, I am pretty bored, wanna grab a coffee?" the worst that can happen is a "no".)

[The Fury]

My go-to reaction when my mom talks about people she lost and loved is to remember the fun things about them, the positive feelings. There is no need to focus on the death. It comes for us all one day. Share some of his art with us, so we can enjoy it together. I'm quite curious about it too, now that I've mentioned it.

Right now, I feel a little emotionally raw. I miss him terribly, seeing photos of him makes me want to cry. So I apologize, but looking up his comics is a bit too much for me right now. His name was Dylan Williams though, if you'd like to look up his art for yourself.

(Plus, about your friend: Sometimes it is best not to ask and just to barge in on a day you know they have time and just keep them company. No words needed, just "hey, I was in the area, I am pretty bored, wanna grab a coffee?" the worst that can happen is a "no".)

...I don't think I have the kind of relationship where I can do that. I mean, I don't think anyone I know would be OK with me suddenly barging in. It might be that I just think that because I'm bad at seeing boundaries and I know I'm bad at seeing boundaries. So I tend to assume that a lot of things are not OK until I'm told specifically that they are.

To tell the truth, I don't have a great sense for understanding what kind of relationship I even have with people. Yesterday I was out with a different friend, whom I'll call May. At one point May told me that they appreciate that we can have "comfortable silences," moments in conversation where neither of us say anything and it's not weird. I guess our friendship is a closer one than I thought it was?

The friend that I was really worried about, whom I've called RJ in other places on the forum, has actually been pretty insightful about what I'm going through. I brought it up in a group Discord that I'm still not over a death and I might be a little weird to be around for a while. Especially if I suddenly become a sobbing wreck again. RJ had a conversation with me about it over PMs. I won't get into specifics, but I can get into the gist.

Spoiler: TW: Death, suicide ideation

Show

Something that's been bothering me about all this is that I don't really understand why I'm thinking about Dylan again. RJ thinks that it might have had something to do with what happened between us. The reason why I was really worried about RJ is that he mentioned wanting to die and being in pain. Maybe this unconsciously reminded me of what happened to Dylan. That's what RJ's theory was anyway.

Just to be clear RJ was really sweet and supportive about all this. May was too. I'm not used to people treating me this way. Normally people in my life rely on me to support them. Which is another thing I wish wasn't true about me... I don't really understand normal, healthy relationships when I have them. Why can't I let good things happen to me?

[aberratio ictus]

Hello playground, thanks for reading!

I am happily married with a stepdaughter.

Yesterday my wife was sick. I took leave from work, took our daughter to kindergarten, read to my wife, took her to the doctor's, prepared a bath, held her hand, made a steady supply of tea and snacks, and asked her all the time if I can do anything else for her. Fetched our daughter from kindergarten, entertained her for a few hours, then made special tea for my wife on demand.

I took my daughter to fetch medicine for my wife.

There was the mistake. We took to long, or didn't start soon enough. I started too late with preparing dinner, and my wife snapped at me. Our daughter would be late for bedtime because she hadn't showered yet, and she had to show me something about how to prepare the food, because it apparently was a family recipe. So she and her sick self decided she would shower our daughter and do some part of the cooking herself, and she was angry at me for it.

She accused me of not caring, and bemoaned that she can't even be sick for one day without everything falling apart. When I brought up just some of the things I had done for her that day, she just snapped a "And you're already overwhelmed by that?!" back at me. I snapped back, I admit. To be honest, I felt incredibly hurt.
I made a few stupid mistakes while cooking due to that, which of course didn't better her mood or mine.

I went to the parent's kindergarten meeting on her behalf soon, and when I came back, I wanted to talk things out. She thanked me for going to the meeting, and agreed to talk.

She always waits for me to start when it's time for those talks. I apologised for snapping at her. She used a half sentence to say her reaction wasn't ideal and she was sorry , and a lot of time to painstakingly explain what I did wrong, as if talking to an idiot. I explained I understood that, but that I was simply a bit hurt that shed say I didn't care when I obviously did.
She told me she was disappointed she couldn't trust me to get by on my own for even one evening.
She didn't understand why I was hurt. She was just disappointed.

I don't know. It's so often like this. I feel like I'm never enough. Effort isn't enough for her, she holds me to her own standards. I told her multiple times this doesn't work, but she thinks they're not too high. It's never enough.

She didn't this time, but she often says she feels like having a second child. I hate that. She knows I am NC with my parents and that they also never accepted me as an adult, which is one of my personal issues. She stills says things like that, for reasons like I took the wrong type of towel for myself when going to the swimming pool (apparently there's bathroom shower size and swimming pool shower size, the difference is negligible in my eyes) or when I can't remember which exit to take while driving on the highway, and ask her. She hates when I ask things, because I should manage on my own. Except when I don't and do things wrong. Then I should have asked. Buy then I'm apparently also a child.

It just isn't appropriate for the guy who always does half of work in the household, even when working more hours.
The guy who wakes you with coffee every single day because it's hard for you to get up in the morning. That guy is your second child?

I feel its disrespectful, but she says she's just expressing her feelings, and that she should be allowed to do that.

It's not often, don't get me wrong. But it happens regularly. It grates on me.

I don't know what to do.

Am I wrong for being hurt? She's right after all, I failed to do all things right in the end.
Is it wrong to want to feel appreciated even if you fail?

[Cozzer]

I'll just say two things: first, that's not the way one should feel while in a relationship. It would be one thing if that was an exception, a rare outburst caused by stress, but apparently it's regular for her to make you feel like this. Now, maybe you're just venting during a particularly tense moment, but what you're describing in that post is a toxic situation. A functional relationship makes you feel like you're the right person, not the wrong one.

Now, the second thing is that there's a child involved. Normally I would encourage you to estabilish some boundaries, estabilish them very hard, and screw the consequences. If you two have a child, though, her wellbeing is not just number one priority, but like all the top ten of priorities combined. Which includes not letting her grow up with an imbalanced and toxic relationship as an example.

Again: if this was just an outburst, an exception in an otherwise healthy relationship, you can just wait for things to calm down. But I think if it was, you wouldn't be posting that here, looking for help from strangers. You need to re-estabilish the very foundation of the relationship, which is that you two are both functional and complete adults who could be on your own if you wanted, but choose to stay together because you like staying together. Counseling might be involved? Maybe even couples therapy? I don't know, but you two have a responsibility to do this right, not just to yourself. (And also it would probably improve your life and make you feel much better which, you know, doesn't hurt?)

[The Fury]

I've had issues with being in functional, healthy friendships for a while. I've gotten too used to the idea that I can be caring and supportive, but I just can't expect to have that care and support turned towards me, and that if I needed help from someone I've helped, that relationship is over. I've even self-destructed friendships that were actually good because I couldn't fathom why anyone would want to help me. I've mentioned this before. I thought that I was over it, but having kindness and understanding directed at me over someone's death has shown me that I'm not. I sort of want to break off from my current friend group, even though I know I shouldn't. Especially since RJ has said that he's afraid of driving people away, I really don't want to be the one that confirmed his worst fear. Looking at the whole thing from a more objective lens, it's pretty crazy. I want to break it off with my current friend group because they're too nice to me. How messed up is that?

A term I heard recently in passing is "compulsive fixer," and I thought, "yeah, that sounds like me." I keep trying to fix things and help people because I just feel like I have to. Like I could just leave it alone, but I'm not sure I'd be OK with myself if I did. When combining that trait with not being able to accept help, support, or even a damn compliment, well...

I feel like I'm just not good at being alive. Now, I don't mean that I'm suicidal, I just think I'd be better as something that was never alive in the first place. An inanimate object of some kind. After all, some inanimate objects are pretty useful. If I were a rock, that would be pretty good. People can climb on rocks and get a lot of enjoyment out of it, If I were a rock in a stormy ocean, people could cling to me and be safe from drowning. Rocks don't need anything, they don't feel anything, they just are. That sounds amazing.

[Mith]

I've had issues with being in functional, healthy friendships for a while. I've gotten too used to the idea that I can be caring and supportive, but I just can't expect to have that care and support turned towards me, and that if I needed help from someone I've helped, that relationship is over. I've even self-destructed friendships that were actually good because I couldn't fathom why anyone would want to help me. I've mentioned this before. I thought that I was over it, but having kindness and understanding directed at me over someone's death has shown me that I'm not. I sort of want to break off from my current friend group, even though I know I shouldn't. Especially since RJ has said that he's afraid of driving people away, I really don't want to be the one that confirmed his worst fear. Looking at the whole thing from a more objective lens, it's pretty crazy. I want to break it off with my current friend group because they're too nice to me. How messed up is that?

A term I heard recently in passing is "compulsive fixer," and I thought, "yeah, that sounds like me." I keep trying to fix things and help people because I just feel like I have to. Like I could just leave it alone, but I'm not sure I'd be OK with myself if I did. When combining that trait with not being able to accept help, support, or even a damn compliment, well...

I feel like I'm just not good at being alive. Now, I don't mean that I'm suicidal, I just think I'd be better as something that was never alive in the first place. An inanimate object of some kind. After all, some inanimate objects are pretty useful. If I were a rock, that would be pretty good. People can climb on rocks and get a lot of enjoyment out of it, If I were a rock in a stormy ocean, people could cling to me and be safe from drowning. Rocks don't need anything, they don't feel anything, they just are. That sounds amazing.

So I can empathise with your thought process here. I have some ideas on what _may_ help.

If you don't already, try making regular social gatherings where everyone is on an equal footing so there is nothing to "fix". The main thing is that it's nothing that requires reciprocation, aside from showing up regularly. Especially if you can have the gathering in a neutral place with no host.

I cannot say if this will resolve issues (still figuring that out on my end), but it may give a settled pattern to make it easier for handling personal stressors, since it should be an environment where such things are minimal.

[Spore]

@aberratio ictus
Yea, there is just not enough communication going on in your relationship. I never got that far in a relationship, but it mostly always hinges on people not talking AND listening enough.

Understand this: While my relationship with my mom is not ideal, we talk on the phone for 2+ hours every week. I would expect for me and any partner to top that time. Seriously, you both seem kinda busy, but it also feels like you never take the time to talk to each other. You just live together. Talk more, LISTEN more. Make her listen: Not forcibly, but there are techniques. Stop talking when you are not heard. Talk the lowest speaking volume you can muster so she has to pay attention when she wants to hear you.

His name was Dylan Williams though, if you'd like to look up his art for yourself.

His art is wonderful, and this is coming from someone that isnt really the artsy type. The minimalistic style and the colors show a vibrant world, with enough vagueness to fill in the blanks. Great decorative items.

...I don't think I have the kind of relationship where I can do that. I mean, I don't think anyone I know would be OK with me suddenly barging in.

That is the nice part. You pretend to not care. (Obviously you do care. But for once, just shut off those voices to help.)

Why can't I let good things happen to me?

I am the same way. Simply put, because I feel I don't deserve good things. Just spitballing here but this could be your issue too.

[The Fury]

So I can empathise with your thought process here. I have some ideas on what _may_ help.

If you don't already, try making regular social gatherings where everyone is on an equal footing so there is nothing to "fix". The main thing is that it's nothing that requires reciprocation, aside from showing up regularly. Especially if you can have the gathering in a neutral place with no host.

I cannot say if this will resolve issues (still figuring that out on my end), but it may give a settled pattern to make it easier for handling personal stressors, since it should be an environment where such things are minimal.

What sucks is that I can't really have those types of interactions. On a certain level I need something to fix. I understand people needing me to fix something, but my dumb brain can't quite get around the idea that someone might just want me there because they... enjoy my company for some reason? Not that I don't appreciate the advice, it's perfectly reasonable for someone that doesn't have my issues, I just don't know if I can actually apply it.

His art is wonderful, and this is coming from someone that isnt really the artsy type. The minimalistic style and the colors show a vibrant world, with enough vagueness to fill in the blanks. Great decorative items.



That is the nice part. You pretend to not care. (Obviously you do care. But for once, just shut off those voices to help.)



I am the same way. Simply put, because I feel I don't deserve good things. Just spitballing here but this could be your issue too.

Thank you for looking into Dylan's art. I hate that he's fallen into obscurity following his death. His work deserves to be remembered by better people than me.

All the same, I really don't think I should drop by friends' houses as a surprise. I really can't imagine that going any way but badly.

I think you're right. I really don't believe that I deserve good things to happen to me. I feel like everything I touch turns to trash. I think that I understand on some level, that isn't rational. Sometimes I find myself just sitting in a dark room alone thinking, "Man... why am I like this?"

Ugh. That was horrible and melodramatic and I'm sorry. But I really do feel like that a lot of the time.

[dehro]

stuff

What you describe contains a lot of red flags in terms of healthy relationship bordering on toxic/abusive.
Of course, this is your side and her take might be a little different.
I'm familiar with the feeling of not being enough, not being grown up, falling to meet expectations or failing in general... And I recognise that those feelings do have a tendency to becoming a self fulfilling prophecy, thereby reinforcing the negative situation and feelings... So, ultimately I'm not sure what to suggest other than not open confrontation and dialogue, clear expression of the feelings that her attitude and remarks cause, and, of those conversations don't help, maybe involve a third neutral party, professional, if need be

[Mith]

What sucks is that I can't really have those types of interactions. On a certain level I need something to fix. I understand people needing me to fix something, but my dumb brain can't quite get around the idea that someone might just want me there because they... enjoy my company for some reason? Not that I don't appreciate the advice, it's perfectly reasonable for someone that doesn't have my issues, I just don't know if I can actually apply it.

[snip]

...His work deserves to be remembered by better people than me....

All the same, I really don't think I should drop by friends' houses as a surprise. I really can't imagine that going any way but badly.

I think you're right. I really don't believe that I deserve good things to happen to me. I feel like everything I touch turns to trash. I think that I understand on some level, that isn't rational. Sometimes I find myself just sitting in a dark room alone thinking, "Man... why am I like this?"

Ugh. That was horrible and melodramatic and I'm sorry. But I really do feel like that a lot of the time.

When I say I empathise with your situation, I mean that I often have moments where I am wondering why am invited to things outside of social inertia (been fortunate to keep friends since junior high). In my situation, the reason having the no obligation events or small meet ups with friends, is that it refutes the idea of inertia by building new experiences. So while my struggles are not directly comparable to yours, what I am thinking of is situations that are direct a refutation of this basic premise that "No one actually wants you around."

So stopping by your friend's without warning (especially if they are dealing with chronic illness) isn't going to work. Trying to set up times for meeting for coffee may work better.

[The Fury]

When I say I empathise with your situation, I mean that I often have moments where I am wondering why am invited to things outside of social inertia (been fortunate to keep friends since junior high). In my situation, the reason having the no obligation events or small meet ups with friends, is that it refutes the idea of inertia by building new experiences. So while my struggles are not directly comparable to yours, what I am thinking of is situations that are direct a refutation of this basic premise that "No one actually wants you around."

So stopping by your friend's without warning (especially if they are dealing with chronic illness) isn't going to work. Trying to set up times for meeting for coffee may work better.

I'm jealous. I can't keep friends that long. I think I can blame my weird self-destructive impulses for that. As for events where I get specifically invited, yeah that's the only way I'll even consider showing up. Even then I still assume that I was invited because they need someone to move a table or something.

By the way, just as a clarification, Dylan was a cancer patient but RJ and May are both in fairly good physical health and aren't suffering from any chronic illness that I know of.

[Mith]

I'm jealous. I can't keep friends that long. I think I can blame my weird self-destructive impulses for that. As for events where I get specifically invited, yeah that's the only way I'll even consider showing up. Even then I still assume that I was invited because they need someone to move a table or something.

By the way, just as a clarification, Dylan was a cancer patient but RJ and May are both in fairly good physical health and aren't suffering from any chronic illness that I know of.

I really count my blessings with this group. I moved schools for junior high and honestly cannot say I would definitely be around when I think of what my social circle was like. Pretty sure more than one person I knew in elementary literally disappeared.

I realise that my experience is likely not to the same degree as yours, but the idea of regular scheduled social events is something where you are invited, you know you are wanted in that moment.

If it helps you to think of it this way, this wouldn't just be for you. You say your friend worries about his friends leaving? This builds support for him as well. Any fit person can move tables, but the emotional support that any relationship is built on specific individuals. Don't sell yourself short, and don't sell them short either.

You can help with your very presence. You help them with your time. Your attention. It doesn't really matter if you find this baffling at times, because that truth is there before you.

I use games as a suggestion, but anything that works as a discussion piece works. Book discussion. Walking/physical activity. Movie + chat afterwards. Whatever works for you and yours.


==============
The reason for my use of chronic illness was because my understanding is you describe RJ struggling with wanting to be alive and "in pain", which I assumed was at least mentally/emotionally struggling, if not physical health. Perhaps "chronic" is the wrong word, but I would not use the term "well" based on your description.

[The Fury]

I really count my blessings with this group. I moved schools for junior high and honestly cannot say I would definitely be around when I think of what my social circle was like. Pretty sure more than one person I knew in elementary literally disappeared.

I realise that my experience is likely not to the same degree as yours, but the idea of regular scheduled social events is something where you are invited, you know you are wanted in that moment.

If it helps you to think of it this way, this wouldn't just be for you. You say your friend worries about his friends leaving? This builds support for him as well. Any fit person can move tables, but the emotional support that any relationship is built on specific individuals. Don't sell yourself short, and don't sell them short either.

You can help with your very presence. You help them with your time. Your attention. It doesn't really matter if you find this baffling at times, because that truth is there before you.

I use games as a suggestion, but anything that works as a discussion piece works. Book discussion. Walking/physical activity. Movie + chat afterwards. Whatever works for you and yours.

Both RJ and May have said that they're afraid of scaring people off or otherwise driving people away. The only thing keeping me around is that I don't want to make that fear come true. Especially since I think that they'd have a hard time accepting that it wasn't their fault and I was the one with the problem. I just keep coming back to the ridiculousness of my problem-- I end friendships because... I can't handle people caring about me? I can't handle people being kind to me? I feel like I'll never be loved because some part of my dumb brain won't let me be loved.

I think I understand on some level that you're right. I keep finding myself in a role that I don't comprehend. Maybe it's good that I'm not treated like an unpaid employee or an emotional trashcan, those are roles that I understand though.

==============
The reason for my use of chronic illness was because my understanding is you describe RJ struggling with wanting to be alive and "in pain", which I assumed was at least mentally/emotionally struggling, if not physical health. Perhaps "chronic" is the wrong word, but I would not use the term "well" based on your description.

I see how I might have given that impression then. As far as I'm aware RJ is not suffering from a chronic illness, but he does have bad days. Like having pain for seemingly no reason. He does have anxiety and severe depression though. So I guess it's fair to say that RJ isn't feeling well. He's surviving though. Even though he's mentioned not wanting to be alive anymore. That said, he has assured me that he's not going anywhere and is scheduled to start counseling next week. For my part I told him that I'll try to trust more and worry less. I know I'm going to mess up and need to reign in my worry. RJ was really nice about it though and told me, "You just have a big heart and a scared brain."
...Well, the latter is definitely true.

[Mith]

Both RJ and May have said that they're afraid of scaring people off or otherwise driving people away. The only thing keeping me around is that I don't want to make that fear come true. Especially since I think that they'd have a hard time accepting that it wasn't their fault and I was the one with the problem. I just keep coming back to the ridiculousness of my problem-- I end friendships because... I can't handle people caring about me? I can't handle people being kind to me? I feel like I'll never be loved because some part of my dumb brain won't let me be loved.

I think I understand on some level that you're right. I keep finding myself in a role that I don't comprehend. Maybe it's good that I'm not treated like an unpaid employee or an emotional trashcan, those are roles that I understand though.



I see how I might have given that impression then. As far as I'm aware RJ is not suffering from a chronic illness, but he does have bad days. Like having pain for seemingly no reason. He does have anxiety and severe depression though. So I guess it's fair to say that RJ isn't feeling well. He's surviving though. Even though he's mentioned not wanting to be alive anymore. That said, he has assured me that he's not going anywhere and is scheduled to start counseling next week. For my part I told him that I'll try to trust more and worry less. I know I'm going to mess up and need to reign in my worry. RJ was really nice about it though and told me, "You just have a big heart and a scared brain."
...Well, the latter is definitely true.

Hey, you care for people for their own sake! I think RJ is correct on the former too.

I hope my thoughts help. They basically boil down to setting regular, tangible reminders that not all your worries are founded, especially in a way that allows you to relax. Dial down "grounded stress" in the regular interactions to allow for these other worries to be addressed.

[The Fury]

Hey, you care for people for their own sake! I think RJ is correct on the former too.

I hope my thoughts help. They basically boil down to setting regular, tangible reminders that not all your worries are founded, especially in a way that allows you to relax. Dial down "grounded stress" in the regular interactions to allow for these other worries to be addressed.

A part of me wishes there was enough room in my heart for me. I hate that I need other people's fears to keep me from acting on some compulsion to emotionally hurt myself.

I do my best to be understanding and compassionate to my friends and it makes sense that they try to do the same thing for me. I should be grateful but... Maybe it's some sort of imposter syndrome I'm dealing with? I feel like a monster doing some grotesque impression of how good people act. The other day, someone told me that I have very "wholesome energy." I think the compliment came from a genuine place of caring, but it made me feel awful. It shouldn't have, but it did.

[Tvtyrant]

A part of me wishes there was enough room in my heart for me. I hate that I need other people's fears to keep me from acting on some compulsion to emotionally hurt myself.

I do my best to be understanding and compassionate to my friends and it makes sense that they try to do the same thing for me. I should be grateful but... Maybe it's some sort of imposter syndrome I'm dealing with? I feel like a monster doing some grotesque impression of how good people act. The other day, someone told me that I have very "wholesome energy." I think the compliment came from a genuine place of caring, but it made me feel awful. It shouldn't have, but it did.

Self-loathing is very difficult to deal with, I have struggled with it my whole life as well. I think therapy is a good idea if you can afford it; the times where I hate myself least I find I am less selfish and more able to connect with people.

[The Fury]

Self-loathing is very difficult to deal with, I have struggled with it my whole life as well. I think therapy is a good idea if you can afford it; the times where I hate myself least I find I am less selfish and more able to connect with people.

I'm glad that you can hate yourself less and that it helps you connect with people. That may be true for me too, just because in moments where I truly despise myself I feel like I'm doing my friends a favor by not being around them. I'll admit that I'm not thinking clearly in those moments. I guess I should self-reflect a little more. I'm not sure how selfish I'm being when I hate myself. Therapy has worked for you though? Is there anything that your therapist said that was particularly helpful?

I'm sure that I'll be fine eventually. Even though there's been some minor gestures, mostly from May and from RJ, that make me think that I don't deserve the love that they show me. Things like picking up on my mannerisms and tics. Things like "The Fury, you're doing that thing you do with your eyebrows when you have something on your mind. Did you need to say something?" and most of it is stuff that I didn't even know I did.

Frankly, I'm surprised that anyone thinks about me at all. Much less, putting in so much care and effort to try to understand me. I wish I could be normal and just accept the kindness the people in my life show me. I wish that I could see what they see in me.

[Tvtyrant]

I'm glad that you can hate yourself less and that it helps you connect with people. That may be true for me too, just because in moments where I truly despise myself I feel like I'm doing my friends a favor by not being around them. I'll admit that I'm not thinking clearly in those moments. I guess I should self-reflect a little more. I'm not sure how selfish I'm being when I hate myself. Therapy has worked for you though? Is there anything that your therapist said that was particularly helpful?

I'm sure that I'll be fine eventually. Even though there's been some minor gestures, mostly from May and from RJ, that make me think that I don't deserve the love that they show me. Things like picking up on my mannerisms and tics. Things like "The Fury, you're doing that thing you do with your eyebrows when you have something on your mind. Did you need to say something?" and most of it is stuff that I didn't even know I did.

Frankly, I'm surprised that anyone thinks about me at all. Much less, putting in so much care and effort to try to understand me. I wish I could be normal and just accept the kindness the people in my life show me. I wish that I could see what they see in me.

It was going pretty well with losing weight and a relationship and all, but between a break up followed by 6 months of unemployment, dropping out if grad school and gaining 50lbs its been a hard year. I'm employed again, trying to find some optimism in it all.

I think the big thing is trying to separate your self worth from your social standing and economic value (at least for me.)

[The Fury]

It was going pretty well with losing weight and a relationship and all, but between a break up followed by 6 months of unemployment, dropping out if grad school and gaining 50lbs its been a hard year. I'm employed again, trying to find some optimism in it all.

I think the big thing is trying to separate your self worth from your social standing and economic value (at least for me.)

There's an activist that I follow on social media that said something to a similar effect. To paraphrase in brief, you aren't your job. You have intrinsic value as a person separate from whatever you do for a living. Which is a nice thought, and I wish more people took that lesson to heart.

I think I may be experiencing something slightly different. I just feel unlovable. Part of me wants love, though something in me actively resists it. It's definitely self-loathing of some kind. I think I might be afraid of letting my friends down.

[Kesnit]

This is as much me venting as it is looking for help. However, any advice is welcome...

I'm about to hit 3 years working as a public defender. The office where I work has 6 attorneys and 5 support staff. (We only have 5 attorneys at the moment since one just left for another office. We'll call her Beth.)

BACKGROUND
I was working with Beth on a jury trial. Then for reasons I can't go into, the case blew up. Since Beth was in court the day it blew up, everything came down on me. I don't feel I did anything wrong, and Beth (who is a considerably more experienced attorney than me) agreed with everything we did. My boss, "Jim," threw me under the bus, and would have come down harder on me had Beth not gotten back from court and stood up for me. (I was told by one of the support staff that Jim has thrown attorneys under the bus before.) I spent the last weekend in February wracked with anxiety and suicidal thoughts. (No, I never seriously considered suicide. I just wanted the pain to stop.)

Now it is two weeks later. Beth has moved on to her new job and I'm still here. Jim has decided I'm a screw up and has limited even more the kind of cases I can get. (Because of my inexperience, I was already limited, which was completely understandable.) I can agree that everything could have been handled better, but it wasn't just me. Jim is criticizing everything I do, which has my nerves and my confidence shot to the netherworld.

OPTIONS I HAVE CONSIDERED
I don't have enough experience to hang out my own shingle. I would prefer not to go to a private firm, as I am in the Public Service Loan Forgiveness program and know that is the only way I'll get my student loans paid off.

My wife and I are in the process of building a house, so I have to stay in this area.

There is another PD office about 30 minutes away (which would actually be closer to where we are building), but they don't have any openings right now, and I'm afraid Jim would sabotage any attempt I made to go there.

I actually live in a different state from where I work, and would be eligible to waive into that state's Bar without having to take the bar exam. However, that process will take several months to complete. (I have the letter requesting the application ready to send off.) And even once I go get admitted, I would have to find a job there. (There is no public defender office in the county where I live, though there is one in the next county south. Of course, I could suck it up and apply for a prosecutor job in my home county or any of the surrounding counties...)

[The Fury]

To anyone that was wanting to know, I am feeling a bit better. For a while I really thought I had turned a corner with my mental health, but after having a breakdown following seeing pictures of my dead friend, I'd thought that I slipped back into the dark place that I thought that I spend the better part of ten years escaping. I don't think that's the case anymore.

Following a death in my friend group, having people in my life move on and leave me or cut me out of their lives did a number on me. I thought that I had recovered, but now I think that I was just got used to being alone. Now that I have real, genuine friends that care about me, I'm starting to realize how lonely I actually was. It hurts, but I think I'll eventually be OK.