Tell A Joke!

[UnintensifiedFa]

So there's a man named Skipper, and he always brags about being the most popular man on the planet, claiming that he "knows everyone there is to know". Now Skipper isn't some celebrity or politician but instead works your average white-collar job. Finally, after hearing his boasts for the nth time, Skipper's boss decides to call him out on his bluff.
"I'll bet you don't know Tom Cruise!" says Skipper's boss.
"Oh yes, we're very good friends!" Replies Skipper, "Let's fly over to Hollywood and meet him."
So Skipper and his boss fly to Hollywood, where Tom Cruise is filming his latest blockbuster movie. In the middle of a scene, he catches Skipper's eye, and stops production, and says,
"Hey, Skipper! I was just about to film the climactic scene but since you showed up let's have lunch!"
They have a nice lunch, but Skippers boss is still skeptical, surely it was just a coincidence?
"Well, I'll bet you don't know the president of the United States!" he says.
"Oh he and I go way back, let's stop at D.C. after this, I haven't seen him in forever".
So they both fly over to D.C. and meet the President after a speech. Once again, the President sees skipper and immediately stops what he's doing.
"Oh Skipper! I was just about to attend an important meeting, but then I saw you! Let's have dinner, on me!"
So they have a wonderful dinner at the white house, and they chit-chat the whole way, but once again, Skipper's boss is still having doubts and decides to put the nail in the Coffin.
"Well, I'll bet you don't know the Pope!" He says to Skipper.
But, once again Skipper replies, "Oh My family is very religious! We've always kept in touch with the current religious leaders, I think he's having Mass in Rome tomorrow, maybe we can catch him!"
So Skipper and his boss fly out to Rome, and arrive just in time for Mass, but Skipper still has one problem,
"Oh no! We'll never catch the Pope's eye in this crowd," he says, "I'll tell you what, I know all of the swiss guards, I'll tell them to let me go out on the balcony with the Pope, you stay here."
So, as planned, Skipper shows up on the Balcony with the Pope. However, after the Mass, Skipper learns that his boss had a heart attack, distressed, he runs to the hospital where his boss is recovering and asks what happened.
"Well, I was watching from the crowd when you came out with the pope," he says, "And all of a sudden the person next to me points up and says: 'Who's that up on the balcony with Skipper?'"

[emma jessica]

Animal jokes!

Most of these work better when you act them out. My kids love'em.

A rabbit sees a bear walking through the forest.
"Where are you going, bear?"
"Shopping abroad, behind the border."
"Oooh. Can I come?"
"You have a passport?"
"Nope."
"Well, jump into my breast pocket. We'll make it work."

The rabbit jumps into bear's breast pocket and the bear walks to the customs house. An officer walks out.

"Hello Mr. Bear. Where are you going?"
"Shoping abroad."
"Again? Well, you know the drill. Passport please."
The bear takes a passport from his back pocket and hands it over.
"Here you go."
"Anything to declare...?"
"Nooope."
Officer's eyes narrow with suspicion.
"...and what do you have in your breast pocket...?"

The bear answers, punctuating the answer by hitting the breast pocket.
"Here?" *BUMP* "In *BUMP* this *BUMP* little *BUMP* pocket? *BUMP* ...a photo of a rabbit."

---

A bear sits in front of his cave, with a notepad and pen. He sees a wolf walking nearby.

"Hey, wolf, Come here. I'm going to eat you tomorrow for breakfast. See? I'm writing it down. 'W-O-L-F... b-r-e-a-k-f-a-s-t... t-o-m-o-r-r-o-w.' Okay, so - tomorrow, you'll come here, in the morning, so that I can eat you. Any questions? No questions? You are now on the list, I've written you down. Now scram."

Wolf leaves, completely crushed. The bear, in good mood, sees a fox.

"Hey, fox! Come here! I'm going to eat you tomorrow for lunch. See? I'm writing it down. 'F-O-X... l-u-n-c-h... t-o-m-o-r-r-o-w.' So, tomorrow, you'll come here, around lunch, so that I can eat you. You are now on the list. Any questions? No questions? I've written you down. Now run along."

Fox leaves, terrified. The bear notices a rabbit hopping around.

"Hey, rabbit! Come here! I'm going to eat you tomorrow for supper. See? I'm writing it down. 'R-A-B-B-I-T... s-u-p-p-e-r... t-o-m-o-r-r-o-w.' Now, listen closely: tomorrow, you'll come here, in the evening, so that I can eat you. You are now on my list. Any questions?"

"Yeah, a question: what if I don't come tomorrow?"

The bear thinks for a moment.

"Well in that case, I'm striking you out from the list."

---

I know, these are much funnier in person.

It was actually funny :D

[emma jessica]

Dad: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: No
Dad: The girl is Bill Gates' Daughter.
Son: Then ok.

Dad goes to Bill Gates
Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates: No.
Dad: My son is the CEO of the World Bank.
Bill Gates: Then ok.

Dad goes to the President of the World Bank
Dad: Appoint my son as the CEO of your bank.
President: No!
Dad: He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.
President: Then ok!
This is business. :D

[baraton]

Why do people say “break a leg” when you go on stage? Because every play has a cast.

[Silent Hunter]

What's black, yellow, dead and flies?

A zom-bee!

[EmmyNecromancer]

Well, I would tell you my joke about the broken pencil... but honestly... it's pointless.

[Rogan]

Do you know the joke about the elevator?

Spoiler

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Me neither, I have taken the stairs

[Trafalgar]

Am I a bad person because I really want to read all the scrubbed jokes?

[Rater202]

Not my joke, but one I was reminded of recently.

A man is driving down a road outside of town, it's late, and he gets pulled over by a cop.

The cop says that he's driving 51 in a 50 zone, he's getting a ticket for speeding, and demands his license and registration.

The man, rather annoyed at being pulled over for something so minor, responds: "I don't have them on me officer, I didn't want to be identifiable."

'Why not?"

"Becuase I'm smuggling crack."

At this point, the officer is incredulous, he's not sure he heard what he thought he heard: "Sir, have you been drinking tonight."

"Only vodka. And Absinth... Wait, is meth a drink?"

"Sir," the officer replies, "I need you to step out of the car."

"Okay officer, just, back up, I've gotta be slow and careful. Got a loaded gun with a hair-trigger on me."

"Why do you have a gun?"

"How else was I supposed to kill the woman in my trunk?"

At this point, the cop tears open the man's door, rips him out of his seat, throws him down, cuffs him, takes him to the back of his own car, and calls it in.

Five hours later, the man is in an interrogation room and the local sheriff comes in.

The sheriff says "Sir, I have to apologize... The arresting officer told us that you'd been driving intoxicated, without a license, with a loaded weapon, and ad confessed to smuggling illegal substances and the body of a woman that you'd murdered. However, after searching every nook and cranny of your car we found no drugs, no dead woman, no firearm in your car or on your person, your license and registration were in your glove compartment, and you tested negative for any drugs or alcohol. The officer has been... Severely reprimanded for this horribly series of events."

The man looks the sheriff in the eye and, cool and calm as a British Palice guard, says "I bet that bastard said I was speeding, too."

[JeenLeen]

What do you call a book made by hand?




A manual.
Or a manuscript.
Like, the stem manu means hand. Not funny, eh?

Less funny: handbook.

My daughter asked me that question as a legitimate question, and I paused a bit trying to think of if there was a real answer or not (e.g., a word that meant that), then I laughed and said manual. When I described the joke, she said it wasn't funny.

[GravityEmblem]

Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?

To get to the rubber side.


....i stole that one from Backyardagains

[Edreyn]

An old joke adapted to current forum discussions.

A man walks around the slums district of a city in the middle of the night. When he is near a pond that everyone in the area uses as a sewage drain and garbage pit, he suddenly sees a hooded figure, drinking with a cupped hand from it!
Scared for the stranger's health, the man yells:
"Stop, have you lost your mind! All the sewage and garbage goes here, from the whole neighborhood!"
The hooded figure continues to drink.
"Stop it, you madman, this water is deadly poisonous!"
The hooded guy turns around, and the man sees that it is actually... a goblin!
The goblin asks "wut deed yu thay"?
"I said - DRINK WITH BOTH HANDS, IT'S EASIER!"

[Fyraltari]

What do you call a book made by hand?
a manuscript.

That's not a joke, that the meaning of the word.

---

What goes through the mind of a man falling from the thirtieth floor?

Spoiler

Show

His spine.

[Insane Jeenyus]

I call shenanigans. Everyone knows a pirate's first love is the C.

I thought it was Arr!

[Rogan]

A woman invites her lover to her house while her husband is away. They don't want her son to disturb them but they don't have much space either, so the boy is supposed to play in a dark chamber.
When the husband comes home earlier, the lover has to hide there.

Boy: It's dark in here...
Lover: Hmm....
B: I have a ball.
L: Great...
B: Do you want to buy it?
L: No.
B: I will tell my daddy you are here!
L: Fine I will take the ball. How much?
B: 50$

In order to avoid getting caught the lover pays and gets the ball.


Some days later, the situation repeats.

B: It's dark in here... I have a pump for a ball. Do you want to buy it?
L: No
B: I will tell daddy
L: Okay okay... how much?
B: 100$

Again, the lover would rather pay this price than getting caught.

The next day, the husband noticed the ball and the pump are gone and he asks his son what he did with them.

B: I sold them.
H: What did you get for them?
B: 150$
H: What? That's far too much! You have scammed some poor guy. You will go to the church immediately and confess!

So the boy goes to church and enters the confessional box.

B: It's dark in here...
Priest: Don't start again!

[Trafalgar]

Why does the Norwegian Navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?

Spoiler: Answer

Show

So when they come back into port, they can Scandinavian

[Lysbeth]

I have jokes!

Two atoms of helium walk into a bar. HeHe.

Xenon, Krypton, and Neon walk into a bar. The barman tells them "get out, we don't serve noble gases here!" But they do not react.

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for half a pint. The third one asks for a quarter pint. The fourth one for half that. When the fifth one opens their mouth, the barman cuts them off: "I'll just be pouring two pints for all of you. You guys really oughta know your limits."

[farothel]

-rabbits jump and live for 8 years, dogs walk and live for 15 years, turtles do nothing and live for 150 years. Lessons learned.

-When I go missing I want my picture on a beer bottle rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

-I bet earth makes fun of other planets for having no life.

-psychic fair cancelled, due to unforeseen circumstances

[Tvtyrant]

I have a scam involving limestone, it is a pyramid scheme.

[Peelee]

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for half a pint. The third one asks for a quarter pint. The fourth one for half that. When the fifth one opens their mouth, the barman cuts them off: "I'll just be pouring two pints for all of you. You guys really oughta know your limits."

Beat ya to it.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a glass of beer." The second says, "I'll have half a glass beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter glass of beer." The bartender says, "dammit, even I have my limits!" and pours two beers.

[KorvinStarmast]

I only have one joke, but I've perfected it to use it on anything:

How many subjectivists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?{snip}

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Spoiler: The answer

Show

Two, but how did they get in there in the first place?

-Why is it called a 'beauty sleep' when you wake up looking like a troll.

Keeping this one for later.

(This joke works better in the UK, but here goes)
A white horse walks into a bar, sits at the end, and orders a pint.
He is served and sits there sipping his pint.
The bartender, having never seen a horse do this, tries to break the ice.
He points up at a bottle of scotch on the bar shelf and says "We've got a bottle of whisky named after you"
The horse replies, with a raised eyebrow: "What, you named that bottle Eric?"

[paddyfool]

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Spoiler

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Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

[Trafalgar]

These are good jokes for anyone doing a job they love that pays little or no money. I am using "ski instructor" here but you could replace it with climbing guide, artist, art history major, musician, philosopher, etc.

How do you get a "ski instructor" to leave your front door?

Spoiler: Answer

Show

You pay for the pizza.

What is the difference between a "ski instructor" and a pizza?

Spoiler: Answer

Show

A pizza can feed a family of 4.

[Peelee]

These are good jokes for anyone doing a job they love that pays little or no money. I am using "ski instructor" here but you could replace it with climbing guide, artist, art history major, musician, philosopher, etc.

How do you get a "ski instructor" to leave your front door?

Spoiler: Answer

Show

You pay for the pizza.

What is the difference between a "ski instructor" and a pizza?

Spoiler: Answer

Show

A pizza can feed a family of 4.

Q: What do you say to an actor in Los Angeles?

A: Your drink order, and if you're ready to order the entrees.

[Sermil]

Q: What do you say to an actor in Los Angeles?

A: Your drink order, and if you're ready to order the entrees.

Q: What's an LA actor's hardest role?

A: Sourdough.

[Lacco]

A forest in winter.

You see a lovely snow-covered scenery. Snow-covered trees, rocks, frozen brook.

Suddenly, a tree falls down. Something is coming closer. You hear grumbling.

A bear appears. He walks slowly towards where you stand. He kicks a tree, it falls down.

*grumblegrumble*

The bear picks up a rock, throws it to the brook, cracking the ice.

*grumblegrumble*

It is coming closer. It kicks down another tree. You can almost hear him.

*grumblegrumble... stupid rabbit... grumblegrumble... and his stupid ideas... grumble... have an espresso in october, what's the worst that can happen?...grumblegrumble...*

[Trafalgar]

What is the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

Spoiler: Answer

Show

THE TASTE!!!!!

[Misereor]

Doctor: I'm afraid I have som bad news. You have incurable cancer.
Patient: Incurable cancer? Oh no!
Doctor: And I'm afraid I have more bad news. You also have a bad case of Alzheimers.
Patient: Alzherimers? Oh no! But look at the bright side, at least it's not like I have incurable cancer.



Chief of police Harrigan came home from work early one day, and found his wife in bed with the curtains shut and all the lights off. She asked him to please keep the lights off, as she had a terrible migraine. Needing a bit of rest himself, he quickly got out of his clothes and got into bed, making sure not to turn on the light, but before he could go to sleep his wife asked iif he could please go to the pharmacy and get her some Paracetamol. Harrigan gets up, puts his clothes back on and goes to the pharmacy. When he enters, the pharmacist looks confused for a second, and then the following conversation ensues.

Pharmacist: "I'm sorry, but aren't you chief of police Harrigan?"
Harrigan: "Well of course I am. I've lived in this neighbourhood for 20 years and must have come in here and bought things from you a thousand times!"
Pharmacist: "Yes, I thought so. Iit's just that this is the first time I've ever seen you in a mailman's uniform."

[BisectedBrioche]

Q. Why are French speaking rogues the most dangerous?

A. When they sneak attack there are always several d6'd!

[Fyraltari]

Q. Why are French speaking rogues the most dangerous?

A. When they sneak attack there are always several d6'd!