What if it was a competition?

[Unoriginal]

As said in the comic referenced in this thread's name, the Order of the Stick has witnessed a certain number of evil speeches during their adventures.

So the question is simple: which evil speech do you think is the best?

I think focusing only on the evil speeches witnessed by at least one member of the Order would be best, but the speeches which weren't can still get honorable mentions.

Personally, my vote goes to Xykon's "power equal power" speech.

Not only the delivery is perfect, but the Lich is 100% correct about what power is. And that single speech ends up changing Vaarsuvius immensely, kickstarting their character development toward becoming a better person and a more efficient user of power.

[yeetusmcgeetus]

ABD’s “fragile pointy-eared monkey” one is a personal favorite of mine.

[Peelee]

ABD’s “fragile pointy-eared monkey” one is a personal favorite of mine.

Seconded. It's similar to Xykon's power speech but much more impactful.

[KorvinStarmast]

Xykon's power is power speech.

[Sir_Norbert]

Durkon's "You are who you are on your very worst day".

[Precure]

Kubota's big delivery.

[Synesthesy]

If I lose, I get to be a king. If I win, I get to be a legend.

[137beth]

Xykon's Power Equals Power speech is usually my go-to. Hel's big speech at the Godsmoot is also a contender, in addition to the others mentioned.

I'd also say

Spoiler: SoD

Show

RXykon's final monologue to Redcloak is a contender.

If we're limiting ourselves only to villain monologues given by members of the Order, I'd say spliced V describing the effects of Familicide beats any villainous monologue Belkar has given (and no one else in the Order has anything that qualifies as a villain speech).

[Ionathus]

Online-only, it's a tossup between Xykon's Power Is Power and Tarquin's There Is No End, Just The Part Where The Storytellers Stop Talking. Tarquin's is more insightful on the whole, and more philosophical, but Xykon's is far more menacing, and cements his status as Big Bad in my eyes.

But in my opinion, they're both blown out of the water by the speech at the end of SoD.

Spoiler: SoD

Show

And now I see that planning doesn't matter. Strategy doesn't matter. Only two things matter: Force, in as great a concentration as you can manage, and style.

And in a pinch, style can slide.

That speech goes so hard. I get chills every time I read it.

[Metastachydium]

If we're limiting ourselves only to villain monologues given by members of the Order, I'd say spliced V describing the effects of Familicide beats any villainous monologue Belkar has given (and no one else in the Order has anything that qualifies as a villain speech).

To be fair, the closest thing to a villainous monologue from Belkar I can recall is his short speech to Mr. Scruffy at the Guild. It's just not really his thing to bother with delivering these (instead of stabbing someone), even though when he does choose to monologue… Well, his breaking speech to Roy in the Pyramid is a world-clas heavyweight.

More on topic, yeah, Xykon is the absolute champion of these. Even his less inspired one given to Roy during the Zombie Dragon fight is quite something, and the two big time Wizard lecturings… Well, damn.

[Precure]

There is this.

[Unoriginal]

There is this.

This one is an heavyweight in a very different way.

[Provengreil]

Xykon's power is power speech.

Seconded, with the caveat that that's his best speech a member of the order witnessed.

IMO his best was the brutal one he delivered to RC at the end of Start of Darkness.

[Metastachydium]

There is this.

This one is an heavyweight in a very different way.

Heh. Wouldn't exactly call that one a monologue, though.

[Sniffnoy]

Seconded, with the caveat that that's his best speech a member of the order witnessed.

IMO his best was the brutal one he delivered to RC at the end of Start of Darkness.

Ha, that's what I was about to say. I don't think anything else comes close. If we're counting ones the Order didn't witness, Redcloak before he killed Tsukiko was also pretty good, though.

[RatElemental]

Xykon got another one here. Very Tarquin-esque, before Tarquin was even introduced.

Then a brief one here cementing his "style" thing.

Then there's Redcloak's heel realization here, but that's not so much a villain monologue.

[Tanarii]

Kubota's big delivery.

V has a pretty solid evil speech in response.
"Disintegrate. Gust of Wind. Now can we PLEASE resume saving the world."
https://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0595.html

[Errorname]

V has a pretty solid evil speech in response.
"Disintegrate. Gust of Wind. Now can we PLEASE resume saving the world."

This sort of thing is why I don't see Kubota even making top ten. He's got an okay grasp of the fundamentals but he's got not weight to put behind it.

[Kardwill]

If I lose, I get to be a king. If I win, I get to be a legend.

That's mine, too. Tarquin may be petty and deluded, but the man can deliver some sweet villain monologue.

[Kish]

I'm not sure what "villain speech" means in context of this thread. Is it just a speech given by a villain? Because there's nothing actually evil about Xykon saying that everything is oddly balanced* until he gets to the end and is suddenly talking about how he's choking Vaarsuvius.

*However much distress it causes optimizers on this forum.

[Precure]

I'm not sure what "villain speech" means in context of this thread. Is it just a speech given by a villain? Because there's nothing actually evil about Xykon saying that everything is oddly balanced* until he gets to the end and is suddenly talking about how he's choking Vaarsuvius.

It supposed to be like this.

[Unoriginal]

I'm not sure what "villain speech" means in context of this thread. Is it just a speech given by a villain?

Indeed.

Because there's nothing actually evil about Xykon saying that everything is oddly balanced* until he gets to the end and is suddenly talking about how he's choking Vaarsuvius.

I mean, he also states he's going to torture O-Chul ever worse than before, in the middle, and also starts by mocking the elf's gender.

[Tanarii]

I'm not sure what "villain speech" means in context of this thread. Is it just a speech given by a villain? Because there's nothing actually evil about Xykon saying that everything is oddly balanced* until he gets to the end and is suddenly talking about how he's choking Vaarsuvius.

*However much distress it causes optimizers on this forum.

I've always taken the oddly balanced thing as a bit of a non-sequitur, in the middle of a rant about true power is actually powerful and can't be stripped away from you.

Now I'm wondering if he's just rambling on about class levels borrowed vs class levels actually earned. How disappointing.

[Metastachydium]

I'm not sure what "villain speech" means in context of this thread. Is it just a speech given by a villain? Because there's nothing actually evil about Xykon saying that everything is oddly balanced* until he gets to the end and is suddenly talking about how he's choking Vaarsuvius.

*However much distress it causes optimizers on this forum.

It's not like he's delivering a humiliating and threatening lecture on how one must be ruthlessly pragmatic to eliminate opposition and how he's just inherently powerful enough to kill stuff, including the recipient or anything.

[Unoriginal]

I've always taken the oddly balanced thing as a bit of a non-sequitur, in the middle of a rant about true power is actually powerful and can't be stripped away from you.

Now I'm wondering if he's just rambling on about class levels borrowed vs class levels actually earned. How disappointing.

It's not a non-sequitur, nor a ramble against borrowed levels.

Xykon is saying that it doesn't matter what kind of power is used, so long as it is power. He's specifically calling out Vaarsuvius for thinking a) that arcane magic is somehow inherently superior b) that their power was "two epic arcane casters' arsenal of magic" as opposed to "my personal capacity to keep the Soul Link ongoing".

[KorvinStarmast]

The key to the put down was the bit about
Your soul shenanigans are realy flashy, but they had one weakness: they were shackled to your lame, mid-level ass!

The other reason I like that mini rant is that it reminded me of a line Jock Ewing used on Bobby in the drama (night time soap?) Dallas:
Power isn't something you are given, power is something you take!

[Tanarii]

It's not a non-sequitur, nor a ramble against borrowed levels.

Xykon is saying that it doesn't matter what kind of power is used, so long as it is power. He's specifically calling out Vaarsuvius for thinking a) that arcane magic is somehow inherently superior b) that their power was "two epic arcane casters' arsenal of magic" as opposed to "my personal capacity to keep the Soul Link ongoing".

How does the "oddly balanced" comment fit into that?

[Unoriginal]

How does the "oddly balanced" comment fit into that?

It's part of the "power is power, it doesn't matter what type of power" point, and serves to continue the "you seem to think arcane power is greater. I used to think the same, but I know better now" line of thought.

It's also a joke about game balance.

[Liquor Box]

I like Xykon and his power is power speech.

[Precure]

Xykon belittles Vaarsuvius because they're using borrowed power.