List of Mostly Useless Magic Items

[TheFlyingBrick]

Although we didn't start with the D&D stable alliterative 'in an Inn', a serious metaphysical discussion in the pub gave rise to an observation; that quality control at the magic item sweatshops is superb - there never seem to be any duds of anything on the market. Everything works exactly as it should, and everything is really useful - even the cursed items.

This is patently absurd, unless you want to really argue that your D&D realm is some sort of Free Market utopia where the competition ensures high standards. Our theory (well, mine, mostly) is that there must be some magic items in circulation which didn't quite work out as intended, or were conceived by the apprentice, subject to the Friday Afternoon rule, or deliberately made down to a budget for the 1GP Magic Store chain.

Mostly these items will start to creep into campaigns either as nuisance items, obscure use, or just of the lolz by creating a sudden panic when the item does something completely irrelevant and unexpected. A small sample of the list is below, but I would welcome some more if you have any;

Wand of Pointing: casts really minor light spell, useful vs cats.
Cloak of Dramatic Billowing: makes anyone look heroic (optional +1 charm), but a downright liability when you're trying to sneak up on people
Candle of Incandescence: an apparently normal candle until lit, then everyone in 10' radius gets very cross indeed
Scroll of Striking: upon incantation, all NPCs/Hirelings immediately form a worker's committee and take industrial action
Gauntlets of Self Abuse: oh good lord, he's doing it again
Triangle of Ting: Smells suspicious. Summons 1D3 dreadlocked Buffalo Soldiers, who are pacifists, and very hungry. User gets +2 to JAH (not CHA)
Ring of Turning Undead: Congratulations, the zombies now enjoy an alternative lifestyle. Otherwise, does nothing to stop the encroachment of undead, gay or otherwise.
Bag of Insufficient Volume: Everything just doesn't quite fit in this magical sack of frustration
Amulet of Referring To Oneself In 3rd Person: Early onset narcissism.
Shatner's Bassoon: An... apparently... normal... instrument... except... for... constant... dramatic... pauses. Girdle and ripped shirt optional.
Rock of Returning: S'funny, could have sworn I threw that thing away.
Drumkit of Dolphin Summoning: Does exactly what it says on the tin. Quite what the party are supposed to do with the 4D20 dolphins that have just entered the material plane is anyone's guess
Shield of Continuity Error: It's on the left arm, then the right, the left again, etc. Best used by the ambidextrous.

More follows as I think of them.

[GorinichSerpant]

Those 4D20 dolphins could be very useful for some hungry people.

Wand of SneezingYou point at someone and they sneeze, could hypothetically be used to trip someone up in combat, but it has failed to be successful so far.

[Epoch]

These are all great! Here are a few off the top of my head:

Sword of Studio Applause: Explosive applause every time the sword is drawn or kills an enemy. Laugh track if the wielder crit-fails on an attack roll.
Diadem of Upward Inflection: The wearer always sounds like they're asking a question?
Dole's Amulet: The wearer is now cursed: Whenever they peel a banana, they will NEVER be able to get rid of the icky stringy bits.
Decanter of Endless Milk: Unfortunately, the milk expired centuries ago.
Breeches of Trust: Once per day, the wearer makes very uncomfortable advances on a random party member.
Quill of Rage: An ordinary quill that will only write when you scribble in the corner to make sure it is working.
Rod of Castellation: An intelligent item that will loudly comment on the quality of construction of any structure you happen to be near.
Tasha's Hideous Bowler: An enchanted hat so utterly unfashionable that it causes anyone within a 20ft radius to point and snigger, but only when the wearer isn't looking.
Ring of Doom: Allows the wearer to discern the location of any enemies hidden behind secret doors or walls. However, the only way to discover hidden foes is by knocking on every surface of the room to the tune of "Shave and a haircut" until the enemy is compelled to finish it.

[AbyssStalker]

Boots of Banana Resistance: You now have advantage on any Dex(acrobatics) rolls when slipping on a banana.

[GorinichSerpant]

Boots of Banana Resistance: You now have advantage on any Dex(acrobatics) rolls when slipping on a banana.

I don't know what about this item makes it funnier then the other ones. It just somehow is.

Ring of Mutual Ignorance This ring makes you unnoticeable to people who you are not aware of. This often leads you to bumping into a person your trying to stealth around, where by ruining the magic.

[TheFlyingBrick]

Arsonist's Tinderbox: An otherwise innocuous tinderbox that sets fire to everything - flammable or not - in a 20' radius.
Ring of Ring of Fire: Start every morning with a blood curdling scream
Wand of Persistent Drizzle: Everyone within an 80' radius gets damp and miserable after 1D6 turns.
Plate Armour: Dishwasher & Microwave safe, unfortunately shatters on impact

[kaoskonfety]

Ring of the Lamb - sings insistently, in high pitched slightly off key braying. It never ends...
Unportable hole - Its a hole, good job
Taliasman of Ultimate Neutrality - Does nothing, ever, but is silently judging you for being an extremist
Boots of Halfling kind - makes your feet very hairy
Girdle of Kobold Strength - Makes your strength score 6 (yes this would have been a decent bonus to carry capacity on a few characters over the years)
Well of many Earls - Every time you open it, its full of landed nobility and guys named Earl, sometimes both, none of therm are happy with the situation
Robe of useless items - a rubber chicken, 100' of dental floss in 1' pieces, the busted four foot ladder your father never threw out, a burned out rusted pot, 22 pounds of worn out roofing shingles, 8 pieces soggy firewood, the rotted hull of a canoe, a key to that lock you lost ages ago, half of an ashtray
Talisman of Ziggy - Helps you empathise with the comic character Ziggy
Rubik Gate - A Rubiks cube that when solved makes you feel clever, it may also open a gateway to hell, but you solved the puzzle, so whatever.

[eastmabl]

Those 4D20 dolphins could be very useful for some hungry people.

I have all these cans of tuna to fill!

[Gwendol]

Breeches of Trust: Once per day, the wearer makes very uncomfortable advances on a random party member.

Surely that has to be the Breeches of Thrust? ;-)

[Shining Wrath]

Boots of Bacon: Useful if you want to grease Paul Bunyan's griddle by skating across it.

Belt of many pouches: has storage room for all the magic components, coins, trinkets, and similar small items you will ever own. Requires a DC 25 Int check to remember which pouch a particular item is in.

Earl Grey's pot: Allows you to pour 6 cups of delicious tea, once per day. Unfortunately does not come with matching cups.

[supergoji18]

The Book of Bland Neutrality: The ultimate guide to being as boring and non-Good or Evil there is. Its pages are blank.

[Bubzors]

Robe if useless items - a rubber chicken, 100' of dental floss in 1' pieces, the busted four foot ladder your father never threw out, a burned out rusted pot, 22 pounds of worn out roofing shingles, 8 pieces soggy firewood, the rotted hull of a canoe, a key to that lock you lost ages ago, half of anot ashtray[/QUOTE]

ha lost it on this one. My favorite

[Shining Wrath]

The Ultimate Book of Ultimate Law: the text of every law ever enacted, anywhere, anywhen. It is arranged alphabetically by the words of the first sentence in the law with no index or table of contents.

The Book of Ultimate Chaos: a single page that says "Why do you care what I think? Make up your own mind!"

The Bottle of Breezes: a 5 mph breeze blows in the direction you point the neck of the bottle, 5' wide, 10' long. Lasts 3 rounds per day.

[Eldan]

Belt of many pouches: has storage room for all the magic components, coins, trinkets, and similar small items you will ever own. Requires a DC 25 Int check to remember which pouch a particular item is in..

That reminds me of one we once had in a campaign. The pouch of many pouches. Anyone reaching in can retrieve a slightly smaller pouch every round.

[EvanescentHero]

That reminds me of one we once had in a campaign. The pouch of many pouches. Anyone reaching in can retrieve a slightly smaller pouch every round.

Was there a cap? How small could these pouches get?

P.S. I'm bookmarking this thread for useless crap to give my players if I ever need it.

[TheFlyingBrick]

Some more

Ring Of Low Self Esteem; because you're not worth it
Bag of Withholding; you'll never get any of it back
Sword of Misplaced Ownership; "Oi! That's my sword!"
Book of Middle Distance; immediately transforms user into catalogue model.
The Enormous Magnificent Bejewelled Codpiece of Introversion; wearer seeks to avoid the limelight at all costs

[Shining Wrath]

From Hitchhiker's Guide because awesome:
A Towel of Hitchhiking, grants a +3 bonus to flagging down a ride, but only if the bearer is floating in outer space.
A Somebody Else's Problem Field Cloak: grants a +20 bonus to Hide checks.

From Lord of the Rings:
A Ring of Eagle Summoning, allows you to summon 3 Giant Eagles at the end of the campaign
A Pen of Peter Jackson Scriptwriting: Allows you to see the DM's notes and completely rewrite his plot to add more romance while removing logical coherency

[Yagyujubei]

"" Sword of Studio Applause: Explosive applause every time the sword is drawn or kills an enemy. Laugh track if the wielder crit-fails on an attack roll. ""


oooooh my god do i support this in a sillier game setting. to take it even further just make it a sword of 80's sitcom, and have it do the full shebang with background music, ooohs, aaaahs, oh's of shock, laughter....everything, and make it so that when you wield it an npc appears at random to help keep the plot moving.

[TheFlyingBrick]

"" Sword of Studio Applause: Explosive applause every time the sword is drawn or kills an enemy. Laugh track if the wielder crit-fails on an attack roll. ""


oooooh my god do i support this in a sillier game setting. to take it even further just make it a sword of 80's sitcom, and have it do the full shebang with background music, ooohs, aaaahs, oh's of shock, laughter....everything, and make it so that when you wield it an npc appears at random to help keep the plot moving.

I'd alter that to Sword of Soap Opera; causes resurrection of random NPCs from two or more campaigns back, plus everyone is immediately related in some way.

Rod Of Studio Set; that fortress, why does the wall wobble when the door shuts?

[dev6500]

Bag of Infinite Gold - because you can't buy magic items in 5e. Also, its very heavy and will kill you if it falls on you.

[Shining Wrath]

Spear of Straight Man: Keeps feeding the wielder set up lines, gets a +1 each time the wielder recognizes the set up and makes a funny. The +1's are additive. However, a groaner sets the total back to zero.

[Icewraith]

Gorilla Glass- This elegant looking wineglass does nothing unusual until it is filled with liquid and someone attempts to drink from it. The drinker must make a dc15 dex save or take 8d6 bludgeoning damage when the liquid turns into an enraged adult gorilla mid-sip. The gorilla tries to kill the drinker until one of them is slain, at which point the gorilla evaporates.

[Kerrin]

Wand of SneezingYou point at someone and they sneeze, could hypothetically be used to trip someone up in combat, but it has failed to be successful so far.

This one could be useful for interrupting someone in the middle of casting a spell.

I can picture the evil bad guy nearing the end of a long and complex ritual .... then AH-CHOO!

Especially funny if summoning something dangerous and now that something dangerous is no longer controlled in any way.

[Kid Jake]

Monocle Of Blinding: A cursed item made with dark glass which obscures ALL mundane forms of vision. Requires the other eye to be closed for the curse to function.

[RedMage125]

Invisible Ring: Good luck finding it!

Beats of Elvenkind: This somewhat garish and ungainly (but somehow perceived to be stylish) headgear provides to your ears the finest quality Elven Music, at the cost of dampening out all other noise. Gives Disadvantage on all Wisdom (Perception) checks based on hearing.

Woolly Bulette: This is a plush toy of a Bulette. It is very cute, and when squeezed, plays a few bars from an older song that everyone finds catchy, but no one quite knows the lyrics to.

Snap, Kraken, Pop: This box made of oddly firm paper-like substance contains a delicious puffed rice that is edible and nutritious. If milk is poured over the rice, it makes a snapping, popping sound. There is a 33% chance that it will instead make the third sound, upon which a live kraken is summoned from the briny deeps and now occupies your cereal bowl. The kraken is immediately hostile.

Dancing Pole: Often mistaken by the name for a weapon capable of fighting independently of the wielder, upon speaking the command word, this cursed staff instead plants itself into the ground vertically, and forces the wielder to remain in the square, affected as if by a failed save against Otto's Irresistible Dance. In addition, the cursed individual's AC is lowered by 1 every round that he or she remains dancing, as the individual's armor is slowly peeled off piece by piece (this is an exception to normal removal time for armor). Unarmored individuals are not affected in this manner. At the end of each affected round, the cursed individual may attempt a CHA save (DC 15). Success causes the dancing to stop.

Unnatural Axe: This +3 weapon (any axe) is so horrendous, so unsightly, that most Good or Neutral people are offended by the sight of it, and will likely not tolerate it in their community. The wielder can expect to be shunned (at best), chased out of town, or even put on trial and punished, sentenced to whatever the (mightily offended) judge or magistrate sees fit for such an obvious sicko.

Plotable Hole: This tear in the fabric of storyline/continuity-space can be exploited to cause NPCs to suddenly remember that they were killed, like, 8 sessions ago, and suddenly change the time of day as the Powers That Be are reminded that they just said the sun was shining and it couldn't possibly be midnight.

Ampersand: This item is a metal object, about a foot in length and shaped like a "&" with slightly draconic features. Upon coming into contact with any true dragon, it will immediately transport that dragon into a "dungeon", where it will be forced to remain until it is slain, or ceases to become a true dragon (like becoming a Shadow Dragon or Dracolich, but Changing Shape does not count). Dragons banished by PCs in this manner do not award any XP for "defeating" them. Also, the dragon's hoard is transported with it.

And finally, because I just love it (but can't take credit for it)...
The Armoire of Invincibility: This legendary wardrobe is impervious to damage from all sources. It appears to be crafted from fine darkwood, but it's weight would almost make one think that it is made from pure adamantine. A particularly mighty warrior might be able to carry it by himself, should he steady it with both hands, and leave it resting atop the crown of his head, perfectly aligned with his spine. As a piece of furniture, its quality and craftsmanship are beyond compare, and it houses a number of frocks, dresses, and tunics, with plenty of drawer space for leggings and hose.

My twisted sense of humor also came up with some others that are not appropriate for the forums, but I will mention the name only, here in this:

Spoiler

Show

Date Rapier
D**k of Many Things - More of a Curse than an item
Tentacle Rod - Similar name to the DMG item, different purpose

[Gritmonger]

Several manufacturers have tried to capitalize on popular, sought-after objects with slight variations on the name. Many of these are sold with no warranty.

Able Porthole - A much smaller "Portable Hole" that simply creates a face-sized visible window through as much as a foot of wood or steel, visible on both sides. It does not store anything, and frequent use (more than ten minutes at a time) causes a Poisoned condition (seasickness) in anyone without the Sailor background.

Hole-able Port - A flask of dark red liquid that, when poured, allows a person to create small supporting rings out of the liquid. A chain of up to fifty foot of length can be created, but evaporates within ten minutes, leaving dark red stains on any users that last an in-game week, or until cleaned magically. The flask replenishes by the next morning.

Able Whole-Port - A pair of hand-sized disks that, when placed each on a surface, allow an object to pass through one to the other as if there is no intervening space. One cannot look through the pair of portals without a looking glass that extends beyond the surface. If one is removed from a surface before the other, and there is an object there... the Whole-Port of the name becomes a liar and thereafter ceases to function. The nature of the damage or injury is up to DM discretion.

[Kyutaru]

Those 4D20 dolphins could be very useful for some hungry people.

Wand of SneezingYou point at someone and they sneeze, could hypothetically be used to trip someone up in combat, but it has failed to be successful so far.

Dolphins are highly intelligent sentient beings with communication skills! You cannot eat them!! But that many brilliant sea creatures can make scouring the infinite depths of the seas for something quite a bit easier. Summoning 4d20 dolphins is what you do if you need to find sunken treasure, lost ships, or sahaugin cities.

[KiltieMacPipes]

These are all great! Here are a few off the top of my head:
Breeches of Trust: Once per day, the wearer makes very uncomfortable advances on a random party member.

That is the greatest name ever.

[Gritmonger]

Hayward's Handy Haversack - A normal Haversack until you have to make a Dexterity save, at which point the Haversack gives you advantage, at the expense of supporting you with multiple extruded hands - in - less than comfortable ways.

Hueward's Handy Haversack - A normal Haversack that displays its special property once you put any damaged item in it. Damaged items left in the Haversack for a day are repaired as if exposed to the "mending" cantrip. Only one random item of several is affected if more than one is put in at a time.

Howard's Handy Haversack - A normal Haversack that always appears when you seem to need it, usually just as you turn around and start to look.

[JAL_1138]

Painbrush: Looks like an ordinary paintbrush, but gradually causes the artist to develop severe carpal tunnel syndrome, cluster headaches set off by paint fumes, and chronic back pain over the course of several paintings made with it. These do not go away when the brush is no longer used; only Remove Curse or Wish can end these conditions.

Phat Lute: An oversized and extremely valuable-looking lute that causes any person in possession to disregard any societal notion of politeness or self-restraint, seeking to annoy and enrage others at every opportunity. No one can make the connection between these behaviors and the lute without a DC 25 INT check.

Pi'tuie's Potable Hole: A portable hole that can only hold safe (potable) drinking-water (hence that part of the name); all other objects are rejected with great force when the hole is moved, aimed directly at whoever put them in it. If a character attempts to remain in it when it is moved, they will be ejected (accompanied by a loud noise that sounds like "PTOOEY!" audible for a 300yd radius, hence the other part of the name) and take a minimum of half their maximum potential HP (calculated by assuming maximum rolls on hit dice and constitution of 20) in bludgeoning damage from either a fall or impact with nearby objects.

Bag of It's Got To Be In Here Somewhere: Functions as a bag of holding, but is constantly filled with random junk in addition to the contents. It always takes a full hour to find the item(s) one wishes to take out of it, during which the character cannot gain the benefit of a short rest.

Da Mytt's Dog Collar: This collar allows an animal to automatically find its owner, regardless of how difficult or unlikely it would otherwise be, if it is possible for the animal to find them at all without abilities the animal does not possess. However, it makes any animal it is placed on disobey commands in the most frustrating manner possible that does not entail actual hostility, in ways that may defy the laws of physics. For example, a dog instructed to "fetch the keys!" with said keys hanging on a nail five feet away from it, will instead completely-inexplicably return with one of the following: harpsichord keyboard keys, the ceremonial key to the city, a kiwi bird, a kiwi fruit, a large blue batlike creature, a portal key from Sigil that does not function outside it (if the characters are in the Material Plane), a monkey named Kiki that steals 1d20 of the highest-denomination coins in the character's inventory before escaping, the sign from a pub called the Cross Keys, or (if there is a monk in the party) one point from the monk's current pool of Ki points, recoverable only by taking it back from the dog. Characters attempting to figure out how that last one even works take 1d4 nonlethal psychic damage.