Relationship Woes And Advice, Part Two (Read First Post)

[Dragonrider]

Yeah, my mom just gave me two pieces of advice:

(1) Come clean with him. We won't be able to stay friends unless we're honest with each other. I'm drafting an email right now.

(2) Try to move on. Keep up a friendship but don't waste my life wishing things were different.

My God, I just hit "send". No going back now. I hope that wasn't the biggest mistake I ever made...

This is really hard.

[Pyrian]

My God, I just hit "send". No going back now. I hope that wasn't the biggest mistake I ever made...

Good luck, Dragonrider! I don't think you made a mistake. I do think you should've taken this step earlier, though.

Also, I do think that you just contributed to some of the most common bits of relationship mythology. Consider the situation from the guy's perspective; a short time ago he probably thought nobody liked him. Now, at least two girls are suddenly competing for his attention. What conclusions is he likely to draw from this? (1) That he's more attractive when it looks like other women are pursuing him and (2) that jealousy is his friend.

People can act very badly if they take those lessons to heart.

[Syka]

*hugs* I definitely know the feeling. It'll all be ok. It's not like you just ate an explosive that'll go off any second inside you...

...even though I'm sure it feels that way.

Cheers,
Syka

[zeratul]

My God, I just hit "send". No going back now. I hope that wasn't the biggest mistake I ever made...

This is really hard.

Hey Rider know what? You rock. I know how hard that is to do, and hey it sort of worked out for me. It took me a long time after I had composed the message to send it. so now know what you do? Relax. Ball's in their court girl, listen to some music, and get your mind onto other things for a while.

Way to go *hugs*.

[mudbunny]

Yeah, my mom just gave me two pieces of advice:

(1) Come clean with him. We won't be able to stay friends unless we're honest with each other. I'm drafting an email right now.

(2) Try to move on. Keep up a friendship but don't waste my life wishing things were different.

My God, I just hit "send". No going back now. I hope that wasn't the biggest mistake I ever made...

This is really hard.

Being in a serious relationship, be it romantic or be it simply friendship, involves dealing with shifting boundaries, making tough choices and being honest, both with yourself and with the other person (people) in the relationship.

[Logic]

Yeah, my mom just gave me two pieces of advice:

(1) Come clean with him. We won't be able to stay friends unless we're honest with each other. I'm drafting an email right now.

(2) Try to move on. Keep up a friendship but don't waste my life wishing things were different.

My God, I just hit "send". No going back now. I hope that wasn't the biggest mistake I ever made...

This is really hard.

You just did the hardest part for most of us. Opening communications. Now that your feelings are known to him, he has to respond.

[Dragonrider]

Thanks everyone. I'm waiting for a response now, and trying to remain detached from the outcome...whatever happens.

[Zeb The Troll]

While I would have advised waiting until they weren't a couple before saying anything to him, it certainly won't be the worst mistake you've ever made. In my view, it won't even rank in the "Top ###" things. Forgetting to check the expiration date on your milk might even rank a little higher. There are some good points to either side of that discussion and in my head the "wait for a little bit" side only barely wins over the "you must say something right now" side. So don't sweat that part. If he's horribly offended (and if you're friends, he won't be), his relationship status has nothing to do with it so timing wouldn't have been the issue anyway.

Do be careful of him leaving her for you though. I have some things to say about that too, but let's wait and see what happens before I dive into them, if necessary even.

I'm going to avoid saying anything along the lines of "I hope you did/didn't say..." things because you've already sent the message and I don't want to add to the pressure you must already be feeling and anything I add would only be opinion.

I will say good luck to you and that no matter what happens, things will probably work out in the long run and in the meantime, we'll be here to congratulate or support you, whichever you end up needing.


_____________________________________________
The PM box, it is open to any of you.

[Pepz]

Hey Advisors,

only just saw this thread (usually only to be find at the comics or smbg :) ) and wondered if you guys could give me a little gem of advice, or even a good wake up slap :)

Here's my situation:

I've been in love with a girl for 5 years now. I noticed her in the hallways of our school, and it was cupids and arrows flying around :) Now it's 5 years later, I haven't seen her in about 2 years, talk to her on msn about once a month, and those conversations usually start joking and laughing together, then she loses interest and the convo dies. But my crush won't die. Every time I think about her I still have butterflies, and think about what could have, should have been :)

Now till here it's been just a regular "kick me in the face, cuz I'm whining"-post, I know :)

But lately I've been thinking of maybe asking her for something of a closure-date. Just one date, to get me to realize that "no, we're not made for each other" and "this wouldn't work out".

What do you think? Is that a good idea? A horrible idea? A penguin?

Pepz

ps just delete this if you think this is the wrong thread.

[zeratul]

Does she know? If not I advise you to tell her.

[Pepz]

She knows I once had a crush on her. I doubt she knows I still have feelings for her.

[SDF]

I wouldn't even tell her you like her. I would just ask her if she wanted to do something with you somewhere, lunch, whatever. And try to pick the friendship off from there, if the day goes well then ask her out on a date at the end of it. If not then I would try and move on.

[Pyrian]

But lately I've been thinking of maybe asking her for something of a closure-date. Just one date, to get me to realize that "no, we're not made for each other" and "this wouldn't work out".

What do you think? Is that a good idea? A horrible idea? A penguin?

A flaming penguin, no less.

Anyway, I think asking her out on a date is a great idea. However, I do not recommend saying anything to her about closure. In fact, I strongly recommend against it.

[mudbunny]

But lately I've been thinking of maybe asking her for something of a closure-date. Just one date, to get me to realize that "no, we're not made for each other" and "this wouldn't work out".

Asking her for a date, good.

Asking her for a date because you want to end this chapter in your life is, IMO, a very bad idea. Ask her instead with the point of view that it doesn't matter what happens on the date.

Seriously.

What is the worst that could happen, she finds out she is really into you and wants to go on more dates with you?? Yeah, that would be rough. :P

Just ask her. No comments on whether she likes you or not, just ask her for a date.

[Dragonrider]

Update:

Him leaving her for me wasn't really an issue. I don't want him to feel guilty. I also don't think I'd have had the guts to say anything if I'd waited...because I was in the "I-don't-even-care-what-happens-I-don't-want-to-care" stage. I've been cycling all day between that and caring so much it hurts.

But anyway, he wrote me back and said he guessed, sort of. And that he still wants to be friends with me. And that he doesn't want me to be mad at my cousin, if I'm angry with somebody, let it be him.

She REALLY doesn't deserve him.

But I guess that's the balance things have come to. I'd better start getting used to it.

[zeratul]

I'm soory DR. But who knows. After they break up, he may start to realize how awesome you are, and then consider you as more than a friend.

[Cyrano]

Hopefully, your cousin will live up to the reputation of evil. Then, you get both A, hot guy and B, shoulder crying.

Goddamnit, I'm not a good help.

Anyway, DR, that WAS a good thing to do and good work. Good luck, too, with your friendship. Nice job.

[sktarq]

Update:
...
But I guess that's the balance things have come to. I'd better start getting used to it.

Perfect actually. Now you two can start being friend while he is dating your cousin. If she shapes up for a good guy great your family life improved. If she doesn't the relationship is not likely to last and you two will have a real base for either a strong friendship or a romantic relationship as will be seen when you get there. Also now you get to see how he treats his girlfriends and be sure you'd WANT to be in that situation.

[Dragonrider]

Yeah....

Am in the midst of trying to convince myself that as of going to bed tonight, I will be DONE with dwelling on it.

This most recent episode with my cousin is going to be hard to deal with, because her mother facilitates her behaviour (whether intentionally or not) and this is not the first time I've been the victim of it. She is going to be bugging me ("don't be mad at me, I can't help it! I love you!") and I'm not taking any crap from her.

Hmm. Tonight might be a little soon. I want to let him go without erasing him from my life, staying friends, and it's gonna be hard to disentangle my feelings from my friendship.

*hugs* to everyone for their advice and support. Thanks guys.

[Syka]

My advice about the cousin is if she brings it up, curtly tell her, "Drop it, or I'm walking away." She doesn't need to be apologizing and if she knew you liked him he should have been off limits, so she knew what she was doing and really isn't sorry. And, honestly, if she keeps bringing him up, walk away.

I told the guy I had been dating the other night when we started to argue again that if he wanted to stay friends he needed to drop it. He did. :) So I know how you feel. Telling my ex I didn't want to talk to him was one of the hardest things I've had to do, and breaking up with this other guy is up there. Trust me, you'll be dwelling on it for a while. But it'll slowly start to fade if you keep talking to yourself and trying to keep yourself in the mode of a platonic friendship. I doubt the feelings ever go away completely, but I think they get to a manageable level.

Speaking of...said guy want's to come visit this weekend. If he does, I won't be able to hang out with him much and I fully expect him to aid in the moving of my mini-fridge. Don't get my wrong, I'd hang out with him some, but I'm packing up to move this week and this weekend is going to be a big part of that (my mom is even coming up). Yes, he'll get full warning of this.

Beside letting me know he really wants to hang out again, he had sent me a text on Saturday saying he missed me. It's kind of weirding me out. Don't get me wrong, there is definitely a lot of me that would want to go back with him (with the provisions that A. we're exclusive and B. if in an argument about a problem that I am not the cause of he tries turning it on me, or tries dodging a question, it's over). But part of me is suspicious that he just wants to go back to what we'd had before.

I'm kinda in a mood, also, because this past weekend literally would have been perfect for him to come up (which he'd been planning to) but, I'm assuming due to the rollarcoaster ride we've been on, that that is why he didn't. *grumble* Sometimes, timing is completely bad.

Cheers,
Syka

[The Great Skenardo]

I need some suggestions. My long-distance lady-friend is coming to visit for a week in mid-August, and I'm trying to think of a list of things that I could offer up to do.

A: The beach. Living by a Great Lake has its advantages
B: The Theatre. I happen to know one of Shakespeare's comedies is playing onstage at a local university (professional troupe)
C: Fancy dinner. Dress up and step out.
D: Cultural Exchange night: She brings some of this..."anime" stuff, and I show her a few episodes of Firefly or Stargate.
E: Shopping. She'd enjoy it, and It would mean that I get to see her trying out a variety of pretty clothes...

Any further suggestions from the playground?

[Rex Idiotarum]

Pay attention to what she says. I know a lot of what I did this week was just off the subtle hints that she gave me. From Boston Cream Donuts ((We were going to Boston, so even if it wasn't her favorite, I could still hint at what we'd be doing.))

I can't tell you what I'd do, since I haven't talked to your lady friend.

[FdL]

Beside letting me know he really wants to hang out again, he had sent me a text on Saturday saying he missed me. It's kind of weirding me out. Don't get me wrong, there is definitely a lot of me that would want to go back with him (with the provisions that A. we're exclusive and B. if in an argument about a problem that I am not the cause of he tries turning it on me, or tries dodging a question, it's over). But part of me is suspicious that he just wants to go back to what we'd had before.

Oh, crap...It's the classic emotional terrorism through cellphone messages :( You soooo don't deserve that crap.

That stuff is awful, it can drive you crazy, and it affects you, as you said. It shakes your confidence and fills you with doubts, because it hits where you're weaker. I think it's awful that he does that to you, he should know better. :(

Of course, when you end up a relationship you miss it, because something that made you feel good at some point is not there anymore. But once it's been talked and it's not viable anymore, when you both know it's over, doing that only confuses the other person and doesn't lead to anything.

This kind of things is precisely why I say it's better to cut any sort of communication when you break up with someone. Of course someone misses you when he no longer has you. But things can't magically go back to "ideal state".

As a past victim of this kind of strategies, I heartily recommend you to do anything to avoid it. It only leads to more confusion and suffering.

[SDF]

This kind of things is precisely why I say it's better to cut any sort of communication when you break up with someone. Of course someone misses you when he no longer has you. But things can't magically go back to "ideal state".

I don't think any relationship is ideal, and if you had a relationship based on friendship there is a reason to fight for it. Other times if you are in a relationship where you all hang out with the same people cutting off communication isn't feasable. It all depends on circumstance.

[Syka]

Oh, I never actually answered the message. When he got online he asked if I got it, I said yes, and he said it made him feel weird that I didn't answer. I told him it made me feel weird for him to say it at this point in time, given the situation. A minor tiff ensued over...something completely pointless I'm sure. Heh.

And that's the thing 90% of the time with him is really good. Most of that 10%, while not really good, wasn't a sort of bad that I couldn't handle, just minor annoyances. That small fraction of the 10% was the dodging and turning stuff on me which was a new occurance. Post break up, it's still been about 80% good during our conversations and all. I think it's worth fighting for as long as we get these boundaries worked out. As I told my best friend, I think this is the post-break up jostling to figure out the boundaries.

And no, I'm not totally adverse to going back with him given those provisions. Namely, because so much of our relationship (ie- friendship) is still good. But he'd also have to be the one to broach the subject, and the relationship wouldn't automatically pick up where it left off. He needs to regain some trust (I've knocked him down to Friend Trust, which is below Significant Other Trust, which is different) before we'd do anything beyond kissing.

In other news, I have my movie back. :)

Cheers,
Syka

[zeratul]

This kind of things is precisely why I say it's better to cut any sort of communication when you break up with someone. Of course someone misses you when he no longer has you. But things can't magically go back to "ideal state".

That's actually exactly what happened with me last year hehe. Though weweren't actually dating. We were just in like with one another. I think it really depends on the people. If they are both kind resonablep eople I believe it can work out. If one is going to hold a grudge though it isn't worth it.

[FdL]

I don't think any relationship is ideal, and if you had a relationship based on friendship there is a reason to fight for it. Other times if you are in a relationship where you all hang out with the same people cutting off communication isn't feasable. It all depends on circumstance.

Well, of course, and it's different for everybody and every relation. And I can only speak from what I know and think.
But my opinion is that this is precisely the kind of situation that forces you to do what I say. Because if you still hang out with that person, and one of you clings to the idea that you should be back together, people are going to get hurt.

In any case, it could well be that he misses her and he wants her back. But saying it to her, knowing that she's confused and getting herself back together, does it do any good? In the best possible scenario, would it work to get back together? Does it really change how things are? If not, it's time to be mature and stop doing that kind of things for the sake of yourself first, and then the other person and whatever relation you want to/can have with her/him (if any).

Personally I had sooo much of this "I miss you" crap from an ex after a breakup. Then it was usually followed by my reaction and when I acted on it, believing it was a sign of her really wanting to be with me she backed off :S So then if she misses me but she's not willing to do anything to get back together, what's the game here? A game of insecurities and confusion, that only hurts people.

Gladly now I know better. But it comes at a price.

I might explain more of this failed relationship of mine some day. But it was so convoluted and twisted, and it's still kinda painful for me to remember. I still get kind of depressed when I think about it, even if I consider it as finished. :( :( :(

[Syka]

*hugs FdL* I don't think any serious relationship where you end up really close/loving the person will ever leave you. I hope it goes better.

I don't know if he's playing games. If he does honestly get back together, it's either exclusive or not at all. But, until he says something (or, ya know, tries making a move on me), I'm not going to bring it up. I want to, oh do I want to, but I'll let him handle it.

Oh well, overthinking again. I'll handle it as it comes and keep y'all updated.

Cheers,
Syka

[Pyrian]

But part of me is suspicious that he just wants to go back to what we'd had before.

If he fools you again, shame on you.

I want to, oh do I want to, but I'll let him handle it.

Personally, I think you should be looking for another fish in the sea.

In any case, it could well be that he misses her and he wants her back. But saying it to her, knowing that she's confused and getting herself back together, does it do any good?

That's exactly the sort of thing I never allowed myself to indulge in - which is why I have some good friendships with ex's. I think FdL's experience is limited and has led him to a premature one-size-fits-all attitude, but in this sort of case I more-or-less agree with him. If the other side of the "friendship" is not taking things maturely, you should first tell them to stop it. If they don't, you should stop it yourself by cutting them off.

It takes two to tango...

[FdL]

That's exactly the sort of thing I never allowed myself to indulge in - which is why I have some good friendships with ex's. I think FdL's experience is limited and has led him to a premature one-size-fits-all attitude, but in this sort of case I more-or-less agree with him.

I admit that this is the case, I've had limited and horrible experiences. I'm sorry if what I say often sounds harsh but it's part of a defensive attitude I've developed to be able to survive pain and rejection :( I wish it could be different but it can't be. Not with how she is and how I am.

If the other side of the "friendship" is not taking things maturely, you should first tell them to stop it. If they don't, you should stop it yourself by cutting them off.

That's the point I want to make.