LGBTAI+ #59: Will You Take This Woman To Be Your Galpal?

[Kesnit]

I realized something lately...

I started my transition 13 years ago. In all of that time, my mother never approved. I graduated with an advanced degree, but Mom didn't go to my graduation because I was graduating under my male name. I got married, but Mom didn't know it because she didn't approve of my now-wife. (Dad knew and wanted to be at the wedding. However, he had to keep Mom occupied so she wouldn't realize that my aunts - who were invited - were not responding to her e-mails while they were out of town.) I stopped going to holidays with the family (though part of that was because I lived 13 hours away for a few years). I skipped my 20 year high school reunion because my parents were still living in the town where I grew up and I didn't want to embarrass them. When I finally got on Facebook (6 years into transition), I intentionally didn't look up friends from high school because I didn't want to have to explain who I was. Although I was friends with some of my family on FB, Mom blocked me so she wouldn't accidentally see my name if I responded to a family member. The one time I did see my parents (as they drove through going north to visit the rest of the family for Christmas), I shaved my beard (which I had had for years) because I knew Mom would have a fit if she saw it. (I was not without support from family. My in-laws love me, and refer to me as their son, not their son-in-law. It weirds my wife and I out a little, but we know what they mean.)

My mother passed away last November. To my shock (and pleasure), Dad wrote the orbit listing me under my male name. This orbit ran in the local paper where I grew up, as well as the one where my parents moved after they retired. Not long after, I got a FB message and friend request from someone I knew in high school. The message said she wasn't sure if I remembered her (I did), and was very supportive, but said she would understand if I didn't want to reconnect with people who had known me before. I accepted her friend request, and within days had about 20 more friend requests from others I had known in HS. I was added to the FB group for my graduating class and got to see all the posts planning our 25 year reunion. (I wasn't able to go to that because one of my best friends was getting married that weekend.)


It occurred to me that I feel so much freer than I did before. I also didn't know how much I missed people I knew in high school until I had reconnected. (My disconnect was not completely related to my transition. I had drifted away from them after I graduated from college.) My family all calls me by my male name. Dad has offered to take me and my wife on a cruise for our honeymoon. (We've been married over 7 years, but never had the time or finances to have a real honeymoon.)

I didn't know how much hiding my life from my mother was wearing me down until I no longer had that burden. I miss her, and there are many times when I catch myself thinking "I need to call Mom and tell her about this." But I am so glad I am no longer going along under that weight.

[CWater]

I realized something lately...

I started my transition 13 years ago. In all of that time, my mother never approved. I graduated with an advanced degree, but Mom didn't go to my graduation because I was graduating under my male name. I got married, but Mom didn't know it because she didn't approve of my now-wife. (Dad knew and wanted to be at the wedding. However, he had to keep Mom occupied so she wouldn't realize that my aunts - who were invited - were not responding to her e-mails while they were out of town.) I stopped going to holidays with the family (though part of that was because I lived 13 hours away for a few years). I skipped my 20 year high school reunion because my parents were still living in the town where I grew up and I didn't want to embarrass them. When I finally got on Facebook (6 years into transition), I intentionally didn't look up friends from high school because I didn't want to have to explain who I was. Although I was friends with some of my family on FB, Mom blocked me so she wouldn't accidentally see my name if I responded to a family member. The one time I did see my parents (as they drove through going north to visit the rest of the family for Christmas), I shaved my beard (which I had had for years) because I knew Mom would have a fit if she saw it. (I was not without support from family. My in-laws love me, and refer to me as their son, not their son-in-law. It weirds my wife and I out a little, but we know what they mean.)

My mother passed away last November. To my shock (and pleasure), Dad wrote the orbit listing me under my male name. This orbit ran in the local paper where I grew up, as well as the one where my parents moved after they retired. Not long after, I got a FB message and friend request from someone I knew in high school. The message said she wasn't sure if I remembered her (I did), and was very supportive, but said she would understand if I didn't want to reconnect with people who had known me before. I accepted her friend request, and within days had about 20 more friend requests from others I had known in HS. I was added to the FB group for my graduating class and got to see all the posts planning our 25 year reunion. (I wasn't able to go to that because one of my best friends was getting married that weekend.)


It occurred to me that I feel so much freer than I did before. I also didn't know how much I missed people I knew in high school until I had reconnected. (My disconnect was not completely related to my transition. I had drifted away from them after I graduated from college.) My family all calls me by my male name. Dad has offered to take me and my wife on a cruise for our honeymoon. (We've been married over 7 years, but never had the time or finances to have a real honeymoon.)

I didn't know how much hiding my life from my mother was wearing me down until I no longer had that burden. I miss her, and there are many times when I catch myself thinking "I need to call Mom and tell her about this." But I am so glad I am no longer going along under that weight.

I'm glad things have improved for you. Hiding can be very distressing, it's great that you don't have to deal with that anymore. :)

Thank you for sharing this story, it gives a positive example of how one's situation can get better and find a more accepting surrounding. My situation in life is not entirely similar to yours, but there are some common aspects, so hearing your story cheered me up a little.

I am sorry your mother never found the mindset to accept who you are, but I'm glad you could find happiness nonetheless.

[AliceLost]

I stopped talking to my parents when I came out, because I knew the alternative was a life of hiding like that, and honestly it's refreshing to see other people who have had similar experiences. People who don't get it can be utterly uncomprehending of how someone can choose to cut themselves off from their birth family, but you're right that life not dictated by other people's expectations is so much more freeing. I'm glad you're getting to experience all of that now.

[Lentrax]

It's been over a month without a post in here.

Is everyone doing alright?

[Heliomance]

Yep! Healing nicely, back to normal activity levels now!

I think the forum is slowly dying in general, tbh

[SaintRidley]

My spouse is having a hard time of trying to adjust to the idea of me dressing more for comfort and adopting a more androgynous style. Happy I'm happy, but it's a big change for her.

Otherwise doing well. I've had a few dates this week, including one Tuesday night that went really well. I've got a date tomorrow night with Tuesday's girlfriend, as both are very interested in me.

[EternalMelon]

After a long and arduous fight against the untaught rules of the healthcare system and the entropic maw that is my own mind I have finally, since yesterday, achieved hormones.

[CWater]

After a long and arduous fight against the untaught rules of the healthcare system and the entropic maw that is my own mind I have finally, since yesterday, achieved hormones.

Congrats! I hope everything works out!

[137beth]

After a long and arduous fight against the untaught rules of the healthcare system and the entropic maw that is my own mind I have finally, since yesterday, achieved hormones.

Congratulations!

On a related note, I just got a blood test for the first time since starting E.

[noparlpf]

Haven't been here for ages but I have a question.

Is there a specific gender identity label for somebody who experiences genital dysphoria but is otherwise comfortable with their secondary sex characteristics and more or less comfortable with their socially perceived gender? (Not broad terms like genderqueer and nonbinary.)

[Lissou]

Haven't been here for ages but I have a question.

Is there a specific gender identity label for somebody who experiences genital dysphoria but is otherwise comfortable with their secondary sex characteristics and more or less comfortable with their socially perceived gender? (Not broad terms like genderqueer and nonbinary.)

If there is one, I don't personally know it.

[lio45]

I think the forum is slowly dying in general, tbh

Yeah, it hit me that Lentrax's post was a hair away (a couple days away) from constituting Official Thread Necromancy as per the Forum Rules, which suggests that they were written with a much busier era in mind.

[Lycunadari]

Does anyone have advise on reconnecting with people who knew you pre-transition/name change without having to misgender/deadname yourself?

Spoiler: Background

Show

I used to have two very close friends from primary school age to when I moved away after graduating from high school- two sisters who lived down the street, one about my age (let's call her A), the other two years younger (B)than me. We were really close- playing together every day when we were younger, lots and lots of sleepovers, going on vacation together when we were older, walking to school and home together every day (though we went to different schools, we shared part of the way). I grew a bit less close with A when we got older and we developed different interests (I was still interested in "childish" things like roleplaying, and she was bored of our games. Also, she sided with my bullies one time, and while we patched things up later, we never were as close again), but I stayed really close with B even though we had really different interests (she was a total social butterfly- lots of friends, interested in "girly stuff" like makeup and fashion, going out etc, while I had very few friends, severe social anxiety and was more interested in books and video games)- she never made me feel like I was inferior for not being popular.
When I moved away when I was 19 we tried to keep in contact (and they also left for uni at the same time/ a year later), but neither of them used skype, and I wasn't on facebook, and we didn't keep up with writing emails, so we drifted apart. We met a couple of times when we were both at home during the first two years, and B wanted to visit me at uni (she considered going to the same uni as me) but she ghosted on me and only wrote me an email two weeks later to say that she had decided on another uni (also, she has some mental health problems, so I'm not angry at her or anything). Now I haven't seen or heard from her for a couple of years. I met A last summer by chance and we both said that we want to meet up some time, and she gave me her phone number, but we never followed up on that (that's on me).
During these 6 years, I came out as genderqueer and changed my name (I haven't physically transitioned). I realised I was trans about a year before I moved away, but wasn't ready to come out then so I never came out to them. The few times we met (with exception the one meeting last year) were also before I had changed my name or came out to anyone but immediate family, and so I didn't bring it up with them. But now I'm fully out, and exclusively use my new name.
I really want to reconnect with them- I miss them a lot, I sometimes even still dream about them, and tbh I don't really have many other friends (and making new friends is hard with social phobia). But I don't know how to contact them because they don't know my new name and I really don't want to use my old name. I've considered writing them a letter, asking to meet up, and also explain the name & gender thing, but I can't think of a way that doesn't feel too obtrusive. "Hi A and B, you haven't heard from me in years but btw I'm trans and now called Juniper.[insert trans 101] Wanna meet up? Oh right, you knew me as [redacted]." That's also the reason why I never wrote/called A after she gave me her phone number- I didn't want to deadname myself, but I couldn't figure out a way to use the new name in a way that still let her know who I am.

[Mith]

Does anyone have advise on reconnecting with people who knew you pre-transition/name change without having to misgender/deadname yourself?

Spoiler: Background

Show

I used to have two very close friends from primary school age to when I moved away after graduating from high school- two sisters who lived down the street, one about my age (let's call her A), the other two years younger (B)than me. We were really close- playing together every day when we were younger, lots and lots of sleepovers, going on vacation together when we were older, walking to school and home together every day (though we went to different schools, we shared part of the way). I grew a bit less close with A when we got older and we developed different interests (I was still interested in "childish" things like roleplaying, and she was bored of our games. Also, she sided with my bullies one time, and while we patched things up later, we never were as close again), but I stayed really close with B even though we had really different interests (she was a total social butterfly- lots of friends, interested in "girly stuff" like makeup and fashion, going out etc, while I had very few friends, severe social anxiety and was more interested in books and video games)- she never made me feel like I was inferior for not being popular.
When I moved away when I was 19 we tried to keep in contact (and they also left for uni at the same time/ a year later), but neither of them used skype, and I wasn't on facebook, and we didn't keep up with writing emails, so we drifted apart. We met a couple of times when we were both at home during the first two years, and B wanted to visit me at uni (she considered going to the same uni as me) but she ghosted on me and only wrote me an email two weeks later to say that she had decided on another uni (also, she has some mental health problems, so I'm not angry at her or anything). Now I haven't seen or heard from her for a couple of years. I met A last summer by chance and we both said that we want to meet up some time, and she gave me her phone number, but we never followed up on that (that's on me).
During these 6 years, I came out as genderqueer and changed my name (I haven't physically transitioned). I realised I was trans about a year before I moved away, but wasn't ready to come out then so I never came out to them. The few times we met (with exception the one meeting last year) were also before I had changed my name or came out to anyone but immediate family, and so I didn't bring it up with them. But now I'm fully out, and exclusively use my new name.
I really want to reconnect with them- I miss them a lot, I sometimes even still dream about them, and tbh I don't really have many other friends (and making new friends is hard with social phobia). But I don't know how to contact them because they don't know my new name and I really don't want to use my old name. I've considered writing them a letter, asking to meet up, and also explain the name & gender thing, but I can't think of a way that doesn't feel too obtrusive. "Hi A and B, you haven't heard from me in years but btw I'm trans and now called Juniper.[insert trans 101] Wanna meet up? Oh right, you knew me as [redacted]." That's also the reason why I never wrote/called A after she gave me her phone number- I didn't want to deadname myself, but I couldn't figure out a way to use the new name in a way that still let her know who I am.

This isn't within my experience, but to hopefully get some ideas flowing:

My first thoughts is in either an email or letter to include photos of you all as children along side a photo of yourself now. You can hint at them knowing you by a different name, but never use it. This doesn't work if you do not want _any_ association pre transition, but to me it gives a starting point of "this is who I am, this is how I know you, and I really would like to reconnect." This thought is also from the perpective of the memories they have is of the same person, just that appearances have changed*. Also, who else would have access to these photos?

I am not saying it will not result in slip ups, but I would guess the best way to avoid being deadnamed is to not be the one to start it. That explicitly plants the seed, even if they do not view it as an "excuse".

Hopefully this helps, if not as good advice, then as something to get ideas rolling. I hope I have not crossed any boundary lines with this advice.

*Not meaning to diminish your own (or anyone's) transition, but more that people are so much more than their bodies, so transitions do not change any deep relationships one has that go beyond physical appearance.

[ve4grm]

Does anyone have advise on reconnecting with people who knew you pre-transition/name change without having to misgender/deadname yourself?

Spoiler: Background

Show

I used to have two very close friends from primary school age to when I moved away after graduating from high school- two sisters who lived down the street, one about my age (let's call her A), the other two years younger (B)than me. We were really close- playing together every day when we were younger, lots and lots of sleepovers, going on vacation together when we were older, walking to school and home together every day (though we went to different schools, we shared part of the way). I grew a bit less close with A when we got older and we developed different interests (I was still interested in "childish" things like roleplaying, and she was bored of our games. Also, she sided with my bullies one time, and while we patched things up later, we never were as close again), but I stayed really close with B even though we had really different interests (she was a total social butterfly- lots of friends, interested in "girly stuff" like makeup and fashion, going out etc, while I had very few friends, severe social anxiety and was more interested in books and video games)- she never made me feel like I was inferior for not being popular.
When I moved away when I was 19 we tried to keep in contact (and they also left for uni at the same time/ a year later), but neither of them used skype, and I wasn't on facebook, and we didn't keep up with writing emails, so we drifted apart. We met a couple of times when we were both at home during the first two years, and B wanted to visit me at uni (she considered going to the same uni as me) but she ghosted on me and only wrote me an email two weeks later to say that she had decided on another uni (also, she has some mental health problems, so I'm not angry at her or anything). Now I haven't seen or heard from her for a couple of years. I met A last summer by chance and we both said that we want to meet up some time, and she gave me her phone number, but we never followed up on that (that's on me).
During these 6 years, I came out as genderqueer and changed my name (I haven't physically transitioned). I realised I was trans about a year before I moved away, but wasn't ready to come out then so I never came out to them. The few times we met (with exception the one meeting last year) were also before I had changed my name or came out to anyone but immediate family, and so I didn't bring it up with them. But now I'm fully out, and exclusively use my new name.
I really want to reconnect with them- I miss them a lot, I sometimes even still dream about them, and tbh I don't really have many other friends (and making new friends is hard with social phobia). But I don't know how to contact them because they don't know my new name and I really don't want to use my old name. I've considered writing them a letter, asking to meet up, and also explain the name & gender thing, but I can't think of a way that doesn't feel too obtrusive. "Hi A and B, you haven't heard from me in years but btw I'm trans and now called Juniper.[insert trans 101] Wanna meet up? Oh right, you knew me as [redacted]." That's also the reason why I never wrote/called A after she gave me her phone number- I didn't want to deadname myself, but I couldn't figure out a way to use the new name in a way that still let her know who I am.

(Note: Not trans, so none of this is from experience, just trying to help with what I might need if I got sent such an email. I'm not always the most observant, so some more obvious clues are appreciated for me.)

Do you use the same email as before? If so, you can refer to it by starting the email with something like "Check the email address if you're confused about who this is." If there's another way they might know it's you without the name (old screen name, character name, house number, etc), you could try that. "Hey, it's me, 123 Main Street!" can be just as explicit as "Hey, it's me, Joe!"

Or you could start with "Do you remember a childhood friend you had named 'X'? Well that person has evolved into someone new and fabulous. Hi, my name's Juniper, and I'd like to re-introduce myself for the first time." - This would avoid directly referring to yourself by the deadname, while still giving context. Up to you if you're comfortable enough with that.

Other option, if you have a mutual friend who would be willing, you could have them send the initial email, explaining the situation and saying you'll be in touch, and then you could follow up a few days later with a new introduction.

Unfortunately, if you want to reconnect, you'll probably need to give a bit of context so they know what's happened and who you are/used to be. If you were connected with them the whole time, they'd already have this context. Reconnecting, it might have to be provided. There are ways to do that more or less subtly, and maybe without directly deadnaming yourself. But I imagine you'll want to be explicit that the name IS dead, and it might be tricky difficult without alluding to the name in the first place.

Best of luck.

[LaZodiac]

Not to just barge in here with a "writing LGBTA characters" question but; If I'm writing a story with a trans character, and the story is about them slowly being more open about themselves and finally transitioning, but they know they're trans, how do I go about using pronouns?

To further elaborate, they are trans but I don't want the reader to know till the end of the first chapter. They are't confident about it, at the start of the story, but they know they want it and just need that extra push, so presumably after the reveal to the reader, I'd use their proper pronouns. But would it be a faux-pas to refer to them by the wrong pronoun in the close-third-person narration if they are not currently the viewpoint character, and the person who is doesn't know that they're trans?

I realize this might be a confusing question. Thank you for your patience.

[DataNinja]

Not to just barge in here with a "writing LGBTA characters" question but; If I'm writing a story with a trans character, and the story is about them slowly being more open about themselves and finally transitioning, but they know they're trans, how do I go about using pronouns?

To further elaborate, they are trans but I don't want the reader to know till the end of the first chapter. They are't confident about it, at the start of the story, but they know they want it and just need that extra push, so presumably after the reveal to the reader, I'd use their proper pronouns. But would it be a faux-pas to refer to them by the wrong pronoun in the close-third-person narration if they are not currently the viewpoint character, and the person who is doesn't know that they're trans?

I realize this might be a confusing question. Thank you for your patience.

If it's not the person gendering themself in their own thoughts, I do not think that it would be an issue. An observers thoughts could correspond to what they're presenting as. (It's reminding me of one book where one of the protagonists was a girl disguising herself as a boy. So all of her chapters referred to her as a girl, and used her name. While all of the ones from the viewpoint of the other protagonist - who did not know for pretty much the entire run of the series - referred to her as "him", and used her assumed name. And all of it was done in limited third person.)

I don't imagine it being offensive at all, since the entire point of the limited third person viewpoint is all based on perspective. (Granted, of course, there're always ways to do things wrong, so it's not a blanket statement, but I don't see anything inherently wrong with it.) Since they're not out, especially if they're presenting as the other gender, then I don't see an issue arising.

[EternalMelon]

Does anyone have advise on reconnecting with people who knew you pre-transition/name change without having to misgender/deadname yourself?

Spoiler: Background

Show

I used to have two very close friends from primary school age to when I moved away after graduating from high school- two sisters who lived down the street, one about my age (let's call her A), the other two years younger (B)than me. We were really close- playing together every day when we were younger, lots and lots of sleepovers, going on vacation together when we were older, walking to school and home together every day (though we went to different schools, we shared part of the way). I grew a bit less close with A when we got older and we developed different interests (I was still interested in "childish" things like roleplaying, and she was bored of our games. Also, she sided with my bullies one time, and while we patched things up later, we never were as close again), but I stayed really close with B even though we had really different interests (she was a total social butterfly- lots of friends, interested in "girly stuff" like makeup and fashion, going out etc, while I had very few friends, severe social anxiety and was more interested in books and video games)- she never made me feel like I was inferior for not being popular.
When I moved away when I was 19 we tried to keep in contact (and they also left for uni at the same time/ a year later), but neither of them used skype, and I wasn't on facebook, and we didn't keep up with writing emails, so we drifted apart. We met a couple of times when we were both at home during the first two years, and B wanted to visit me at uni (she considered going to the same uni as me) but she ghosted on me and only wrote me an email two weeks later to say that she had decided on another uni (also, she has some mental health problems, so I'm not angry at her or anything). Now I haven't seen or heard from her for a couple of years. I met A last summer by chance and we both said that we want to meet up some time, and she gave me her phone number, but we never followed up on that (that's on me).
During these 6 years, I came out as genderqueer and changed my name (I haven't physically transitioned). I realised I was trans about a year before I moved away, but wasn't ready to come out then so I never came out to them. The few times we met (with exception the one meeting last year) were also before I had changed my name or came out to anyone but immediate family, and so I didn't bring it up with them. But now I'm fully out, and exclusively use my new name.
I really want to reconnect with them- I miss them a lot, I sometimes even still dream about them, and tbh I don't really have many other friends (and making new friends is hard with social phobia). But I don't know how to contact them because they don't know my new name and I really don't want to use my old name. I've considered writing them a letter, asking to meet up, and also explain the name & gender thing, but I can't think of a way that doesn't feel too obtrusive. "Hi A and B, you haven't heard from me in years but btw I'm trans and now called Juniper.[insert trans 101] Wanna meet up? Oh right, you knew me as [redacted]." That's also the reason why I never wrote/called A after she gave me her phone number- I didn't want to deadname myself, but I couldn't figure out a way to use the new name in a way that still let her know who I am.

Do you have a nickname? Or do you think they remember your last name? Let me know if you come up with a solution though, I've been mulling over how to handle similar situations myself and I'm pretty sure I'm just going to have to bite the bullet.

Not to just barge in here with a "writing LGBTA characters" question but; If I'm writing a story with a trans character, and the story is about them slowly being more open about themselves and finally transitioning, but they know they're trans, how do I go about using pronouns?

To further elaborate, they are trans but I don't want the reader to know till the end of the first chapter. They are't confident about it, at the start of the story, but they know they want it and just need that extra push, so presumably after the reveal to the reader, I'd use their proper pronouns. But would it be a faux-pas to refer to them by the wrong pronoun in the close-third-person narration if they are not currently the viewpoint character, and the person who is doesn't know that they're trans?

I realize this might be a confusing question. Thank you for your patience.

I think that its ok, kinda like how you change what name is used if someone... changes their name in the story, or if someone realizes they are gay over the course of the story the narration doesn't contradict them anytime they say they are straight.

"Oh no sorry," he said, embarrassed "I'm straight."
He wasn't

Also, call it cheesy but a pronoun change at the end of the chapter might be a good way to confirm to the reader that yes, the character right in thinking they are trans.

He took a deep breath and said "I'm trans."

And he was.

[LaZodiac]

I think that its ok, kinda like how you change what name is used if someone... changes their name in the story, or if someone realizes they are gay over the course of the story the narration doesn't contradict them anytime they say they are straight.

Also, call it cheesy but a pronoun change at the end of the chapter might be a good way to confirm to the reader that yes, the character right in thinking they are trans.

Thanks.

Naw that was something like what I was thinking. I don't want to write out my ideas yet since this was basically be brainstorming for Nanowrimo and that'd be cheating I guess, but I suppose it wouldn't hurt. I was thinking somethin' like...;

"All that talk of puberty depressed her. Thinking about growing up, becoming a woman, depressed her. Because Anne had a secret, a secret she hadn't told her best friends, her crush, even her twin sister.

Anne wasn't a girl. He was a boy."

[Morgana]

You could use gender neutral pronouns

[ve4grm]

You could use gender neutral pronouns

That might give away that something is up, if overused. But it is only one chapter.

Heck, for just one chapter, you could just avoid using pronouns altogether! Make it gradually more awkward and obvious that you're avoiding it, until you come out with that proper pronoun at the end of the chapter.

I mean, I won't say that's good writing practice, but it might be amusing to see.

[LaZodiac]

That might give away that something is up, if overused. But it is only one chapter.

Heck, for just one chapter, you could just avoid using pronouns altogether! Make it gradually more awkward and obvious that you're avoiding it, until you come out with that proper pronoun at the end of the chapter.

I mean, I won't say that's good writing practice, but it might be amusing to see.

I think I could get away with that. I'll try it out once November comes around.

[Sobol]

The latest strip from Housepets! webcomic. One of the characters, a human teenager, has been transformed into a squirrel:

Spoiler: Housepets! 2019-09-13

Show

[137beth]

The latest strip from Housepets! webcomic. One of the characters, a human teenager, has been transformed into a squirrel:

Spoiler: Housepets! 2019-09-13

Show

That gave me a chuckle. Housepets has been on my list of "webcomics to read at some point" for a long time, but I haven't gotten around to it yet.

[halfeye]

The latest strip from Housepets! webcomic. One of the characters, a human teenage boy, has been transformed into a female squirrel:

Spoiler: Housepets! 2019-09-13

Show

FTFY

[Sermil]

Heck, for just one chapter, you could just avoid using pronouns altogether! Make it gradually more awkward and obvious that you're avoiding it, until you come out with that proper pronoun at the end of the chapter.

I mean, I won't say that's good writing practice, but it might be amusing to see.

I think I could get away with that. I'll try it out once November comes around.

Spoiler: Spoilers for the 41-year-old Thieves' World book

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The original Thieves' World book had a short story in which the main character was a woman, disguised as a man - but the narrator just never used pronouns for her until the very last sentence. You didn't notice because the other characters call Lythande "he / him" in a few places, so the fact that the narrator doesn't use pronouns doesn't stand out.

At least, I didn't notice until the very last sentence, even though the entire story revolves around her having a secret and people trying to figure out what the secret is. Of course, I was lot younger back then...

[Algeh]

So, I feel like I am having a lot of trouble separating "perhaps I am non-binary" from "I experienced a lot of gendered bullying as a child and have a range of coping skills involving how I express gender, some of which are kind of terrible" and suspect that perhaps I should Talk To Someone About That. (A large part of my constantly-being-in-trouble-as-a-child narrative, as explained by my mother, is "everyone isn't putting up with [some behavior or other, not always the same one] from you because you're a girl, which is unfair because they never get boys in trouble for that, society is full of terrible misogyny and you don't have to put up with it, but if you don't conform more school/dating/life will be much harder for you", which means I'm having trouble separating not-a-girl from my-life-would-be-better-if-I-weren't-a-girl, which aren't inherently the same concept because I can think of lots of true things about myself that make my life harder.)

Does anyone have suggestions for how I go about finding a suitable sort of someone to talk to about all this? I have not had the greatest luck with therapists in the past, but admittedly I haven't gone in quite awhile and never brought up gender stuff. I'm not looking for the kind of therapist who exists to sign off on red-tape paperwork to medically rubber-stamp what people know to be true about themselves, but rather someone to help me actually think about my own gender stuff, and I worry that if I go to someone who specializes in Gender Stuff I'm going to find someone focused on the red-tape-clearing role.

[JusticeZero]

My orientation has quietly shifted slightly into a stupider shape. That or I don't remember the data from before. Either way. *airthrottle* makesense! Grump.
Also hormonal today, so everything is turned to 12.
Right now I seem to be S+/= ace, sensual attraction aimed at women and romantic attraction.. Ish? Maybe? I'm not sure? Aimed at men.
There's a completely unavailable guy I know who makes me jelly for some reason with lots of 'please notice me' stuff I catch myself doing. Quietly but insistently hinting about availability of RP characters. Being extra nice. I don't want to touch him, and it's not as though I know why I'm doing that. I'm pretty sure that's not the first time this year.
Meanwhile I keep seeing women and fantasizing about cuddling or kissing them, even though I know from experience that I have never actually enjoyed kissing. Don't want to do anything more than that.
Is there a word for that kind of jumble?

Husband is sick today. Has surgery coming up soon... Again... Keeping those details under wraps.

[EternalMelon]

My orientation has quietly shifted slightly into a stupider shape. That or I don't remember the data from before. Either way. *airthrottle* makesense! Grump.
Also hormonal today, so everything is turned to 12.
Right now I seem to be S+/= ace, sensual attraction aimed at women and romantic attraction.. Ish? Maybe? I'm not sure? Aimed at men.
There's a completely unavailable guy I know who makes me jelly for some reason with lots of 'please notice me' stuff I catch myself doing. Quietly but insistently hinting about availability of RP characters. Being extra nice. I don't want to touch him, and it's not as though I know why I'm doing that. I'm pretty sure that's not the first time this year.
Meanwhile I keep seeing women and fantasizing about cuddling or kissing them, even though I know from experience that I have never actually enjoyed kissing. Don't want to do anything more than that.
Is there a word for that kind of jumble?

Husband is sick today. Has surgery coming up soon... Again... Keeping those details under wraps.

Ugh, ace spectrum stuff is hard... unfortunately for us no one can really figure things out except ourselves. Although it sounds like you are touch/attention starved. How about a date night with your husband when he feels better before the surgery, if you can?

[Florian]

Ah, you know, it´s one of _those_ days.

You know, one of these when one of the people you work with outs him/her/itself as having an afghan lover, then as being bi and being secretly in love with one girl, then moths later as being trans and wanting to transition F2M? Now I'm cool with all that, but now I'm asked to find a good psychiatrist in Munich/Bavaria to get the prep work done and, well, I'm lost there.