Things I May No Longer Do while Playing IX: GNO GNOMES!

[goto124]

Welcome, ogne agnd all to the gnignth episode of this illustrious thread series ogn exactly how best to make your DM cry. As usual, we are always willigng to legnd a kignd ear to your frustratiogns ogn thigngs that have beegn baggnned, vetoed or just plaign killed off at your table. Previous threads are listed below:

1: [Any] Things I may no longer do while playing.
2: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing II: Stop Making The DM Cry
3: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing III: I May Not Iron Heart Surge Rule Zero
4: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing IV: The Decanter of Endless Bad Ideas
5: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing V: Pun & Pun, Rules-Attorneys at Law
6: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing VI: This Isn't A Checklist We Swear!
7: Things I May No Longer Do While Playing VII: No, Not Even Then
8: Things I May No Longer Do while Playing VIII: Why is the PLOT on fire?

Gnote: if you're goigng to use gnumbers, please keep the gnumberigng ign order. This meagns:
1) dogn't add sub-rules to previous gnumbers--people will thignk that gnumber is the curregnt ogne
2) look to make sure that the last post isgn't a sub-rule to a previous gnumber

Asterisks are highly recommegnded, though.

* May gnot ask if I should've chagnged the titles of the listed threads as well.
** Gno, gnot evegn thegn

[Anonymouswizard]

* May gnot play a Tinker Gnome Artificer.

[GPuzzle]

*The Undead Wizard does not cast his Forced Polymorph spell by speaking "Orcus Porcus!"

[JAL_1138]

*May not play a Rock Gnome Bard with an electric guitar run off a generator powered by a Wand of Lightning Bolt.
**May not reply "What? They're called Rock Gnomes!" when this build is questioned.

[FlumphPaladin]

*The Undead Wizard does not cast his Forced Polymorph spell by speaking "Orcus Porcus!"

** May not complain when DM punishes that pun by teleporting the party to a certain undead demon lord's boudoir.

[DigoDragon]

* May gnot play a Tinker Gnome Artificer.

Sounds kind of redundant to me.


*A bag of marbles is really no substitute for demonic competence.

[Bard1cKnowledge]

*May play a Hill Dwarf Monk and make him a luchador
**may not invent the secret language of Luchadorese, which is just posturing and various gestures
***May not run up to put the BBEG in a full nelson as to repeatedly headbutt him as an unarmed strike
****Definately CAN NOT rip off any helms/hats/hoods/masks from my vanquished foes as a sign of triumph/to huniliate and shame them in the way of the luchador

[JAL_1138]

*My gnome may not clear the dungeon by taking advantage of the fact that chlorine gas is heavier-than-air and mixing a large batch of acid and bleach near the entrance.

*My gnomish cleric may not use the Create Water spell to spread the fire from the flask of oil I just threw.

*My gnome illusionist may not tie 100ft of thin wire to an arrow and use Shocking Grasp to invent either the taser or the detonator.

*My gnome may not tie 100ft of rope tied to a large stone block to a ballista bolt in order to harpoon a flying enemy and keep them in bow range.
**My gnome may not build a ballista.

*There is no gnomish god of explosions.

*Green slime is not the result of gnomish attempts to design waste-disposal systems.

*My gnome illusionist may not take advantage of brown mold's incredible propensity for rapid growth when exposed to heat in order to create a piston engine or launcher that runs off the Fire Bolt and Ray of Frost cantrips.

*My gnome illusionist must actually cast an illusion spell once in a while.

*Any plan involving magma and a team of gnomish engineers is vetoed.
**Especially if I got the idea from Dwarf Fortress.

[illyahr]

*Should not be surprised when the elven bard uses her spear as part of her Perform (dance) routine
**No, that is not how you use Fascinate

[Rater202]

*May not inhale new thread smell.

[Lord Raziere]

* May not through a miscommunication think that our new ally is secretly a villain
** Even if the theory why sounds totally plausible.
*** May not go around trying to make people distrust said new ally.
**** May not continue thinking the ally is a villain even after original reason why I thought they were villains was disproven on the reasoning that they were playing "the long game."
***** Even if they continued to be jerks who kept trying to distort my characters motives.

* may not greet the second god of the sky we meet as "Storm Dad"

[noob]

*I should never let my players use bards or wizards or anything with spells or skill points.

[Anonymouswizard]

* May not create a document detailing my tribe's customs and the reasons for them.

[JAL_1138]

*When DMing 5e, may not use the 2e version of various slimes and molds, such as Green Slime (instead of damage, turns a creature into more green slime in 1d4 rounds, no save, no resurrection), or Olive Slime (body-and-brain-hijacking parasite, save to notice it attaching to you or eventually turn into a zombie-like creature).

*May not buy numerous earthen or stone jars and a large number of cattle, use the cattle to feed the puddle of green slime, gather the green slime into the containers, and fire said containers out of trebuchets.
**May not have access to trebuchets.
***May not use Animate Objects on the containers since I can't have trebuchets.
****May absolutely not have enemies use this tactic if I'm DMing.

[Cazero]

*May not buy numerous earthen or stone jars and a large number of cattle, use the cattle to feed the puddle of green slime, gather the green slime into the containers, and fire said containers out of trebuchets.

**May not cause the green slime apocalypse 'because zombies are overdone'.

[Draconium]

**May not cause the green slime apocalypse 'because zombies are overdone'.

***If anyone complains with the above, I may not respond by making a wight-pocalypse.
****Or ghoul-pocalypse.
*****Or morhg-pocalypse.
******Or lich-pocalypse.
*******Dracolich-pocalypse is right out.

[JohnTheSavage]

* May not through a miscommunication think that our new ally is secretly a villain
** Even if the theory why sounds totally plausible.
*** May not go around trying to make people distrust said new ally.

****May not be the one who started the "they are secretly villains" theory in the party
*****May not encourage going around and making people distrust said allies
******Even if the reasoning was perfectly sound
*******Come on, who trusts a snake spirit?
********Let alone two snake spirits.

[Anonymouswizard]

***If anyone complains with the above, I may not respond by making a wight-pocalypse.
****Or ghoul-pocalypse.
*****Or morhg-pocalypse.
******Or lich-pocalypse.
*******Dracolich-pocalypse is right out.

******** You do not have to beat a DC 20 perception check to notice that the ninja apocalypse has happened.

* 'Number of players who have become adepts since starting this campaign' is not the unit of GM ability.
** Especially if that is players and not PCs.

[Draconium]

******** You do not have to beat a DC 20 perception check to notice that the ninja apocalypse has happened.

*********Of course not, there's no way the DC would be so low.

*May not make the plot of the game be "Ninjas vs Pirates."
**Especially if the players are neither ninjas or pirates.

[GrayGriffin]

* No longer allowed to start shipping characters by the first session.
** Or the second.

* Not allowed to make a group of characters that are all lovechildren of my OC ships.
** Not even if it's AU.

[JohnTheSavage]

* No longer allowed to start shipping characters by the first session.

**May not begin shipping characters during session zero.

[DigoDragon]

* No longer allowed to start shipping characters by the first session.
** Or the second.

Third times the charm?

* Not allowed to make a group of characters that are all lovechildren of my OC ships.

One of the campaigns I'm in actually discussed doing this.

[illyahr]

One of the campaigns I'm in actually discussed doing this.

*May not build a campaign where all PC's are the children of a very prolific bard.
**Said bard cannot be named Dgimi Hen'drx
***Said bard's eternal rival cannot be another bard named Crit Kobaign
****Cannot have the group discover that the bard was an incubus to explain why they are all different races
*****Cannot thereafter have the group be contacted by the bard's divine demon/dragon daughter to have them hunt down all his other children
******Even if all of this is the Players's idea after hearing about a previous character that the DM played as
*******Anti-railroading is now defined as "the players forcing the dm to change the plot to suit their new OOC world view"

[NRSASD]

*May not open a hot dog stand in the kingdom's capital
**May not use 2e mustard jelly as a condiment

[FlumphPaladin]

*May not open a hot dog stand in the kingdom's capital
**May not use 2e mustard jelly as a condiment

***Can't open a chip shop, either.
****Batter-fried black pudding is right out.

[Socksy]

*The Undead Wizard does not cast his Forced Polymorph spell by speaking "Orcus Porcus!"

** This is also not how commoners get the Pig Bond flaw.

[Rater202]

*I am not to traumatize a member of a peaceful race just by describing the inherent abilities of my own race.

[DigoDragon]

* If the players ask me to run an X-Files campaign, I am no longer allowed to wait until the night before to cram together a campaign.
** I'm banned from taking a shortcut and using Monster of the Week for my X-Files research materials.
*** There's only one 'X'. No shipping.

[GPuzzle]

*No longer allowed to make Unexpected Cena jokes.

[Bard1cKnowledge]

*My Luchador/Monk may not have a dramatic back story
**The backstory can't have the antagonist be a literal dire bear in a mask
***No it can't also be a big hairy guy of a certain persuasion either. Stop asking
****No backstories. Period.