List of Mostly Useless Magic Items

[JAL_1138]

Fishing-line of Binding: Invariably tangles itself around every object in its container if not observed for more than one round. If untangled and used on a fishing reel, bird's-nests something awful and renders the reel useless after one cast. Also hangs in any plant life, rock, or other obstruction in the vicinity of the cast.

Cup of Last Comfort: This badly-dented tin cup from an ancient legionary chaplain's field kit holds about 8 ounces of liquid. Any drink administered to a dying creature from this cup tastes pleasant, dulls all pain, and makes the imbiber vividly remember their happiest moments until the imbiber either dies or is healed by other means. It has no other effect, and does not affect creatures for whom death is not imminent.

[Battlebooze]

Torch of Fire Detection.
A magic torch that glows red in the close presence of fire.

Boomerang Arrows.
When shot, these odd arrows travel half their normal maximum distance then return to their shooter if nothing was struck.

[BootStrapTommy]

This is a list of the best items from a list of "almost useless" items that I pulled from a thread around here years ago. Some might be duplicates of earlier posts, some are just amusing cursed items, others are nearly useless but might have a few intriguing uses if players are creative enough. That thread immediate turned into a "how can we make these gag items useful" thread. But any good player can make the best of just about anything, right? Internets (and possibly cookies) for anyone who can devise good uses for any of these.

Shirt of Throwing: This simple green shirt is the perfect size for the average Halfling, Gnome, or Dwarf. When doned, the wearer's range increment increases by 50ft when thrown.
Amulet of Delay: sounds made by the wearer delayed 1d4 rounds
Staff of Disintegration: on use the staff disintegrates. One use.
Coin of Indecision: A gold coin with the word "YES" on one side and the word "NO" on the other. If it is flipped while asking a question, the coin always lands on edge.
Magic Stone: a stone which registered as a powerful magic item when Detect Magic item is cast on it, but does nothing else.
Ring of Invulnerability: The ring can never be destroyed.
Ring of Invisibility: When worn, this ring becomes invisible.
Spoon of Cooking: When held, make a DC 12 Wisdom save or be dominated to make a delicious meal out of materials currently available to you.
The Dog Whistle: This is a common whistle, except that when blown it makes no noise. However, 1d10 rounds later, a dog will be summoned (as per summon nature's ally 1). This dog does not obey the commands of the whistle blower, or anyone else, and if the whistle is blown again, if it is attacked or if anyone attempts to use a spell or skill on it, it runs away immediately. After 1d4 minutes, it will marks its territory (possibly on a PC or NPC, this is a ranged touch attack with a range of 5 feet and a +10 bonus to hit) and then disappears. If the dog is killed, its remains vanish within 1 round and it cannot be summoned again for a week.
The Sword of Damoclese: A magic blade from legendary tales. It would act as a Dancing Scimitar for anyone who knows the command word - unfortunately that command word is in a forgotten tongue for a dead race who's physiology was capable of producing completely unique sounds. Without the command word, then this sword will imprint itself on a random individual and hang 3 feet above their head (pointed down, as though about to fall and impale their skull), soft of like a giant metal exclamation point or a very dangerous ion stone. If it is unable to maintain this position (due to a low ceiling or persistent attempts to catch it), it will disappear, turning invisible, and silently stalk its intended 'master' for a time. It will always re-appear shortly before the person awakens from sleep, so that the first thing they see in the morning is a sword a few inches above their nose, suspended in mid-air. A character who is being followed by this sword who enters an anti-magic field should make a Dex save (DC 15) to avoid getting skewered by the falling blade. On a successful Dexterity check (also DC 15), the character can attempt to wrest the sword out of the air and wield it as a weapon. Each round they wield the blade, however, they take a -4 circumstance penalty to attack and damage (because the sword is uncooperative) and must make a DC 15 Strength check. Immediately after losing control of the sword, it will flat them for 1d6 non-lethal damage in retribution before taking it's place again (or turning invisible, if it's feeling spiteful).
Earmuffs of Songs: A special theme song plays for your character (out of no where) every time he does something interesting, but he can't hear it himself.
Amulet of Oppositional Emotion: Whatever the character's emotion is, its shown the opposite on his face. If he's sad, he'll smile, if he's fighting he'll giggle like a school girl, etc.
Tome of Uselessness: Whenever this plain brown tome is opened, it closes (as the Open/Close spell).
Presto's Hat: When they cast a spell using the magic hat, pick a word at random. The player must immediately create a rhyme using that word which also described what the spell should do. If they quickly and correctly do so, then apply a random beneficial effect (metamagic, secondary healing or protection effect, auto-hit, etc). If they delay, stumble in their words, or can't think of anything, they lose the spell and something weird happen.
Grapeberry: A magical grape with the shape, colour, texture, and flavour of a strawberry.
The Item: This innocent looking item has a strange effect on those who hear of it. They are consumed with the desire to own the Item. The owner of the Item feels it to be one of his most precious possessions and cannot be persuaded to part with it. However, this does not stop him from giving the Item away as a gift. Just from selling it. The current owner will do the best they can to both keep the Item secure, and keep it close to their person at all times.
If it is stolen it's owner, the former owner will seek it out. The new owner will be affected by the magic of the Item as above.
Mug of Dwarven Hate: Any alcoholic beverage placed into the cup instantly becomes alcohol-free and tastes of raw sewage.
Rod of the Magician: This Rod appears to be magical, but an Identify spell yields no information other than an activation word: "Kaboom." When the Command Word is stated (as a Full Round Action), a Prestidigitation spell is activated to make a popping sound and a flash. Afterwards, a flag is unrolled from the top of the rod. The flag reads "Bang!"
Crossbow of Inner Torment: This is nothing more than a masterwork crossbow which always targets the user. It cannot be fired any other way.
Sack of Infinite Capacity: As long as anything you put into it weighs less than 1/10th of a pound, anything put into this sack will weigh nothing at all!
Amulet of Drop Bear Repellent: When worn drops bears will not attack you. Or will they?
The Chair of Steadiness: This chair can be moved but cannot be tipped over by anything less than a DC 35 Strength check.
Book of Confusion: The letters in this book always appear to be upside down, even if viewed from different directions at the same time.
Sharpened Staff of Iron: This Staff is actually made out of iron and is quite sharp. Deals 1d8 + Strength damage per hit.
Ring of Nonvisibility: You become invisible, as long as no one is looking at you.
Shirt of Pants: As long as you wear this item, you are immune to the naked status.
Hat of Disguise Self: Once per day on command this hat will cast Disguise Self. On itself.
Mantle of Awe: On entering a room with the mantle in one's possession, a flock of doves fly through the doorway from behind you, a fanfare plays and an angelic chorus can be heard singing a verse. The larger the room, the more impressive the effect (more doves, longer angelic chorus).
Created for a noble who wished to make a good impression at a party. Has the unfortunate effect of activating every time one enters a room. Every room. This fact was discovered by a scoundrel who robbed the original owner and tried (failing) to escape.
Lenses of the Wary Tyrant: These lenses make orphans glow with a subtle golden light, to the wearer.
A set of these was commissioned for use by an evil despot who had cottoned on to the fact that those same intrepid heroes that overthrow despots are, 95 times out of a hundred, orphans. Elite death squads were equipped with the lenses and ordered to cull the population in what turned out to be one of the most successful evil reigns in history.
When worn by an orphan, has the unfortunate effect of applying the golden light to oneself, rendering one effectively colorblind (you see everything in shades of gold) and halving one's ability to see in the dark.
The Stone of Jordan: This small ring, set with a plain piece of gray sandstone, weighing .01 pounds (weight is important here, and should be tracked). It has an aura of moderate conjuration. Every hour the user spends active, the stone duplicates itself, with the copy appearing somewhere on the owner's person. Each copied ring retains the duplication quality. As such, after two hours of activity, the user will have 4 Stones of Jordan. After ten hours, they will have 512 in their possession. After sixteen hours, they will have 32,768.
The duplication effect does not tend to apply to discarded rings, but works as a conjuration effect that tracks the most recent individual to use the effect. In short, if one picks up the ring and it activates while in their ownership, the duplication effect will only work for that individual, until they go 72 hours without triggering the effect, at which point the duplication effect fades on all but one of the rings and other rings crumble to sand. (The same will occur to any ring that one attempts to harvest for crude materials) This was implemented as a safeguard to keep the ring from carpeting the world.
Owners of the Stone of Jordan will find that, much like sand, the rings will get everywhere. The duplication effect is indiscriminate and places the rings around armor straps, in pockets, hanging from buttons, inside scroll cases, in the recesses of bedrolls, and so on. Failure to find that one last ring will result in one's backpacks and pockets overflowing with the damned things by the end of the day.
Created by a gnome wizard as a gift to his betrothed, likely with some kitschy sentiment like "My love for you redoubles every hour." Ended in tragedy when the fiance was found buried under tens of thousands of the things.
The Magic Ring of Magic Detection: This magical ring will glow very softly if it is within 10 feet of any magic items including itself (must be within 5 feet of the ring and make a DC 10 Perception check to notice it).
The Infinite Book of Magic Reading: This book is indecipherable without the use of the Read Magic spell. The front and back cover of the book are covered in runes which, when deciphered, promise to teach the reader of every page of the book how to cast spells more efficiently. The first page of the book contains a modified version of the spell Read Magic, which can only be used to read the second page, which contains a modified version of Read Magic which can only be used to read the third page, etc. The book has an infinite number of pages.
The Bottomless Mug: This ordinary looking mug does nothing until the bottom touches any liquid. At which point the bottom disappears. For some reason most pubs ban anyone who asks for it to be filled up
Flanagan's Endless Flask: Contains an endless supply of alcohol, if you're sober.
Scroll of Literacy: Caster becomes Literate.
Scroll of Cure Blindness: Caster is cured of Blindness
Potion of True Resurection: True Resurection on a potion, not much to explain.
Potion of Gate: The gate spell is cast ... inside of you, a random monster comes out of it, it's hostile to the drinker and will proceed to burst out of the drinker upon coming out of the gate.
Potion of Time Stop: Your digestive system acts freely for 1d4 +1 rounds.
Boots of Levitation: These boots levitate when not worn.
Bastard Sword: This sword goes into a frenzy when his creator is mentioned.
Duck of Many Things: This duck lays 1d4 eggs a day, random mundane oddities are found in the eggs. The duck tends to lay them in hidden places.
Cloak of Billowing: this cloak will always billow dramatically behind the wearer, it has no other effects.
Amulet of Feather Fall: When worn, this amulet turns into a feather and falls to the ground.
Ring of Gygaxian Teleportation: This ring will teleport you d% of the distance to your target location. You will then have a CR appropriate random encounter: roll initiative.
Opportunistic Sword: This weapon will sprout small metallic legs and run away when no one is watching.
Hammer of Dwarven Thrower: When wielded by a dwarf, this hammer throws the dwarf 30 ft in a random direction.
Bag of Holding: Upon first opening the bag, a voice speaks in a language the user can understand. The user is told the bag contains important information the user needs to know. It then tells the user to hang on a second while it rummages through its memory. The bag speaks no more.
Partisan Cravat: This brightly colored tie is sympathetic and will change its hue to a colour calculated to cause the maximum amount of hostility in anyone who sees it.
Feather of Ring Falling: Anyone holding this feather have their rings fall off.
Cannon of Canon: A cannon that when loaded with a piece of literature and fired at a church immediately causes whatever is in the literature to become part of the canon of that religion.
Rod of Wander: A rod that causes the owner to have no sense of direction.
Relative Pole: A twenty foot pole that decreases in length as your speed increases.
Pole Vault: A large Safe that is always filled with poles of various lengths, ranging from 10' to 42'
Polish Remover: A duel purpose potion that when rubbed on an object causes it to no longer be shiny. Also causes anyone from Poland to disappear.
The Axe of Bar: Whenever a trap is spotted by the owner this axe immediately points to the trap and loudly announces "IT'S A TRAP!"
Potable Hole: A hole that is not portable, but is full of water that is safe to drink.
Potion of Regurgitation: a potion that immediately causes the user to vomit
Violin of Violence: A violin that when played produces music so bad that all within 20' immediatly become hostile

[GorinichSerpant]

When my players decide to throw the gnome in an awesome fashion, I will award their craziness with a shirt of throwing.

That item also synergies wonderfully with the Dwarf Throwing Hammer adding up to a dwarf going a distance of 70 ft! Give this combo to a rouge and with enough training you've an excellent infiltrator, give it to barbarian and you've got a warrior who'll inspire fear in orcs and goblins for ages to come! *re-reads the passage* Oh wait never mind, this isn't nearly as exploitable.

[Battlebooze]

Cannon of Canon: A cannon that when loaded with a piece of literature and fired at a church immediately causes whatever is in the literature to become part of the canon of that religion.

Oh boy, this is an Artifact power level item!

[Battlebooze]

This thread dredged up an old memory that makes me smile. Once upon a Rolemaster campaign I happened to be browsing a list of minor magic items in one of the many rules supplements. I came across an amusing item called a "pot of cookery".

I believe the flavor text said, "When the command word is spoken, anything in the pot is instantly and deliciously cooked."
No save was listed, so I asked the GM and he said. "If it doesn't give a save, there is none."

At the time we were fighting some ancient elder dude who could eat dragons for breakfast. He was godlike in fact. (I think he was an alien who helped create all life on the planet eons ago or some crazy thing like that.)

My Runemaster/Alchemist came up with a plan...

I made a pot of cookery, spending thousands of gold to make it look like a helm fit for a god. Just for the chance we would meet the bad guy and I could bribe him and instantly and deliciously cook his head!

It never happened. But it was worth a laugh to try anyway.

[goto124]

'I try to cook the air inside the pot.'

[Mrmox42]

Torch of Fire Detection.
A magic torch that glows red in the close presence of fire.

I love this item

[kaoskonfety]

Ring of Gygaxian Teleportation: This ring will teleport you d% of the distance to your target location. You will then have a CR appropriate random encounter: roll initiative.

One of us is remembering Gygax and his encounter tables differently than the other: "CR appropriate" not so much, "random" very yes.

[JAL_1138]

One of us is remembering Gygax and his encounter tables differently than the other: "CR appropriate" not so much, "random" very yes.

At low level a random encounter in the woods could be anything from "three medusas, a pool of green slime, and a rust monster" to a lone housecat. Who could still one-shot the wizard.

[Joe the Rat]

At low level a random encounter in the woods could be anything from "three medusas, a pool of green slime, and a rust monster" to a lone housecat. Who could still one-shot the wizard.

That's just silly.


You could only have two of the three (Roll twice)

[kaoskonfety]

Some quick rolling on the 1st ed overland encounter tables (temperate wilderness specifically)... giant ant, dragon (red), a skunk, a mummy... (Titan is on the list... I THINK thats is the most bonkers one...)

good old bad old times....

[RedMage125]

Coin of Indecision: A gold coin with the word "YES" on one side and the word "NO" on the other. If it is flipped while asking a question, the coin always lands on edge.

I would love something like this for flavor purposes.

Ring of Invisibility: When worn, this ring becomes invisible.

Beat you to this one in an earlier post, lol.

Earmuffs of Songs: A special theme song plays for your character (out of no where) every time he does something interesting, but he can't hear it himself.

Lol, almost the reverse of my "Beats of Elvenkind"

Mantle of Awe: On entering a room with the mantle in one's possession, a flock of doves fly through the doorway from behind you, a fanfare plays and an angelic chorus can be heard singing a verse. The larger the room, the more impressive the effect (more doves, longer angelic chorus).
Created for a noble who wished to make a good impression at a party. Has the unfortunate effect of activating every time one enters a room. Every room. This fact was discovered by a scoundrel who robbed the original owner and tried (failing) to escape.

I also want this, but in real life.

Scroll of Literacy: Caster becomes Literate.
Scroll of Cure Blindness: Caster is cured of Blindness

I love these so much.

Potion of True Resurection: True Resurection on a potion, not much to explain.

This one I don't get as "useless", given that potions can be administered to another. Kind of like a Phoenix Down, ne?

Duck of Many Things: This duck lays 1d4 eggs a day, random mundane oddities are found in the eggs. The duck tends to lay them in hidden places.

The name makes me think you play Munchkin.

[EvanescentHero]

This one I don't get as "useless", given that potions can be administered to another. Kind of like a Phoenix Down, ne?

I think it means that the potion itself can be resurrected.

I very much plan to give my party a Duck of Many Things now too.

[Gritmonger]

I think it means that the potion itself can be resurrected.

I very much plan to give my party a Duck of Many Things now too.

As a character who habitually played a pack-rat, I would SO have a Duck of Many Things, just so I could stow a whole load of the eggs for use at inopportune times to throw at enemies. If it's gold or a boat or a ladder, it should still suffice to slow a horde of goblins...

[Battlebooze]

Silly Putty: A small and mildly disgusting looking lump of fleshy goo. When smeared on the owners face, the putty grants advantage to Deception checks used for disguising the character as a clown.

Bat-a-rang: Bat shaped throwing dart that turns into a bat and flies away after it is used as a weapon.

Portable speed bump: The opposite of a portable hole. This odd object resembles a gray circular disk of soft fabric. By using an action, the owner can expose a six foot diameter pillar of stone, ten feet high. While folded the object has no weight. When exposed the pillar weights 10,000 pounds.

[Mrmox42]

Giant Lock Pick set: A set of 3 feet long magical Lock Picks. Grants the user Advantage when picking really really big Locks. May be used as improvised weapons in desperate situations.

[kaoskonfety]

Random Encounter Table - A 10' by 10' heavy oaken table that becomes attuned to the first character that touches it and remains so until their death. Any given room the character enters has a 1% chance of containing the table in a random eligible space. The table will have one of the following at it when so found:

- 1d6 random adventurers of the parties level sitting in the same number of chairs, arguing about their upcoming adventure (if possible a module the party has already completed)
- a bored Death Knight, dealing for Blackjack, 1 occupied (by the death knight) and 5 empty chairs, minimum wager 100 gold (the house always wins)
- 2d4 Orcs with 2d4 chairs playing musical chairs, to the death!
- a birthday cake, there is an iron file in the cake, the cake is delicious
- (*Read aloud*) *all the players here and DM, playing the game of D&D the characters are in, any interaction with the players will result in the characters immediate death* -the players and DM are DM controlled NPCs, interaction has no consequences
- The DM, several sets of dice, and enough empty chairs for all but one of the characters, interaction has no consequences
- the table is covered in salt, aprox 20 gp value, 400 lb
- an ominous set of skulls and arcane marking
- 3 human drunks and a cask of fouled ale
- 2 house cats, one black, one orange, cleaning themselves
- a ticking box
... and so on to taste...

Characters Move at half speed while passing though the tables space, the table weights 300 pounds and is in all respects a normal oak table. Any damage to the table is repaired when it next "appears"

[goto124]

My first touch with the table will be using it as a giant cudgel.

[Mrmox42]

Orb of Koboldkind: A powerful wizard was asked by his king to create a weapon against the Kobold menace. Unfortunately the wizard was hung over, så the item is not quite what the king had in mind. The Orb of Koboldkind can cast Dominate Kobold once per week. It allows you to dominate one Kobold of the ordinary kind, as per the Dominate spell. This means that Kobold Spellcasters, leaders and Kobolds with more than 10 HP are unaffected.
When held over the head, the Orb also allows you to gain advantage on attempts to track the Kobold that you have Dominated.

[JAL_1138]

Wand of Silent Image: This wand, made of a rare and exotic wood, is inlaid with intricate filigrees of colored gold (blue, green, white, and rose gold in addition to pure gold) that depict climbing morning glory vines, and is capped with a sapphire worth 200 gp. Engraved in fine elvish script on a ring-sized, well-worn gold band around the center of the wand, the only part of the wand that shows any sign of age, are the closing words of a High Elven wedding vow. The wand holds 10 charges, and regains 1d10 charges per long rest. When used, it invariably creates an image within 10ft of the caster of a plain-looking young human woman dressed in peasant's clothing placing a morning glory flower in her hair, smiling shyly to the caster, and waving in greeting, then fading away in the same round as the wand was used. No amount of magical skill short of direct action by a deity can make it change the image it produces.

[TheDeadlyShoe]

Segway's Urban Transport
Consists of a wheeled plank, with a long pole extending upwards and ending in a pair of handles.

Once the wielder steps onto the plank and grasps the handles, the wielder is afforded a 50 ft move speed while looking totally ridiculous. If they let go of the handles the machine will suddenly stop, spilling the wielder prone in their square.

Orb of Commentary
This orb provides access to limitless knowledge accrued from the beginning of time. However, upon learning any knowledge through the device, the wielder is compelled to memorize thousands of inane, useless, and often totally wrong comments made by anonymous others on the topic in question. Upon being released from this compulsion, the wielder is left confused and unsure, unable to tell the truths they have learned from the controversies and meanderings of the unveiled discussions.

[kaoskonfety]

Orb of Commentary
This orb provides access to limitless knowledge accrued from the beginning of time. However, upon learning any knowledge through the device, the wielder is compelled to memorize thousands of inane, useless, and often totally wrong comments made by anonymous others on the topic in question. Upon being released from this compulsion, the wielder is left confused and unsure, unable to tell the truths they have learned from the controversies and meanderings of the unveiled discussions.

Oh noes! its 1dpi internets! Run for your minds!

[GorinichSerpant]

Ring of Giant's Strength:
Designed to be like a Belt of Giant's Strength but only smaller, this ring gives tremendous strength, but only to the finger it's put on do to being poorly made. It also re-sizes itself to fit any person, but only on the pinky, again due to being poorly made.

The gnome who made this ring was soon after executed for wasting government funds and as a safe guard as to prevent him from breaking the universe in some way.

[ondonaflash]

Wand of Silent Image: This wand, made of a rare and exotic wood, is inlaid with intricate filigrees of colored gold (blue, green, white, and rose gold in addition to pure gold) that depict climbing morning glory vines, and is capped with a sapphire worth 200 gp. Engraved in fine elvish script on a ring-sized, well-worn gold band around the center of the wand, the only part of the wand that shows any sign of age, are the closing words of a High Elven wedding vow. The wand holds 10 charges, and regains 1d10 charges per long rest. When used, it invariably creates an image within 10ft of the caster of a plain-looking young human woman dressed in peasant's clothing placing a morning glory flower in her hair, smiling shyly to the caster, and waving in greeting, then fading away in the same round as the wand was used. No amount of magical skill short of direct action by a deity can make it change the image it produces.

This actually sounds both heartbreakingly tragic, and potentially the start of an intriguing campaign.

[Mrmox42]

Slippers of slipping: Cursed items that makes you have disadvantage on dexterity checks and saves.

Earmuffs of silence: Wearing these enchanted earmuffs makes the user completely unable to hear anything. This makes him immune to spells like Command and effects like those that Bards deliver. They come in different colours, too.

Rod of planting: When stuck into the ground, this Rod instantly grows roots several feet down. Then branches and leaves pop out. The Rod will thereafter act like any other small tree.

[MadBear]

Solar Powered Lamp- This magical lamp functions perfectly when in sunlight. When in dim/dark areas, the light ceases to function.

[Mrmox42]

Solar Powered Lamp- This magical lamp functions perfectly when in sunlight. When in dim/dark areas, the light ceases to function.

I have one of those in my garden

Carpet of Instant Orchestra: When this carpet is unfurled and put on the ground, an orchestra will instantly appear on it and start playing. They will do this until the carpet is rolled up again.
There are several types of Carpets of Instant Orchestras:
Carpet of Instant Harp Trio
Carpet of Instant Banjo Band
Carpet of Instant Peruvian Pipe Players
Carpet of Instant Military Brass Band
Carpet of Instant Tuba Quintet
Carpet of Instant Bagpipe Deluxe Band

[Strill]

The Book of Exalted Deeds: A book which lists the most impressive properties and beautiful mansions currently for sale in the kingdom, along with prices and locations.

[JAL_1138]

This actually sounds both heartbreakingly tragic, and potentially the start of an intriguing campaign.

Thanks! I've always had a soft spot for sad little things that suggest a history of some kind. The Trinkets table is loaded with them; it's my favorite part of the PHB.